My girlfriend is a virgin, we fool around a lot and she turns me on without any effort. When I start penetrating I lose my erection really fast. I'm also unable to reach any orgasm with her, but I've always been able to last for quite a while so I don't know if this is related but I've been really close to coming through oral sex without being able to cross that simple line. Instead I just lost my erection.

Clearly this is a relaxation problem. There are several issues at play here. I was raped by my best friend in my early teens, but this didn't really affect my sexual life much initially and I had no real issues performing with my first girlfriend, however she turned out to be a homicidal manic depressive and she tried to kill me quite regularly over futile reasons, and as you can imagine this didn't really help my sex life with her but I was still able to perform, lasting 2 hours, sometimes less. Anyhow, after finally getting rid of her, and finding a new girlfriend, I find all these issues and past experiences running through my head every time I find myself in an intimate situation, even by myself, masturbating. I also find it really hard getting erections watching porn recently.

The disappointment of not being able to perform surely doesn't help me relax but I still manage to please her with my fingers, mouth and toys, so as far as I am concerned I've found a way to at least relax about that.

Still, any help on relaxing and focusing on her, without that focus reminding me of past experience and similar emotions would be great. :)

How old are you?

The first suggestion that comes to mind is talking to a counselor/therapist and working through the issues from the past.

I'm 24.

And yea I don't really have the economy, or the patience, to deal with the whole therapist thing. I'm strong, I'll manage, as long as I know how.

I have to ask, do you drink heavily, or take drugs? Smoke pot?
How is your diet?

If it's just with the "new" girl, what have you been doing differently in your life?

Have you been for a full check-up lately?

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Originally Posted by deadkennedy

I'm 24.

And yea I don't really have the economy, or the patience, to deal with the whole therapist thing. I'm strong, I'll manage, as long as I know how.

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I suggest that there are issues here you're not capable of dealing with, if this post is genuine.

Rape, attempted homicide and an inability to maintain an erection? More than the average person could handle... no wonder the previous scenarios keep running through your head and you can't focus when you're with a real person.

Being strong is not the issue - understanding what's at the core of your sexual problems is the issue.

Can you afford not to invest in your sexual enjoyment and well-being by not talking to someone - even if it's your doctor?

I don't smoke anything or drink heavily, and my diet is great, I eat just about everything.

I've been doing a lot of tings differently. When this relationship started a few months ago I had been making a whole bunch of friends, which has never really been my forte. With my previous girlfriend I was not allowed to talk to girls or anything, and even before getting to know her I was repeatedly in trouble with my peers, getting verbal and physical abuse from everyone outside my family since I turned 5. So by all means I was in a good place mentally when this started, better then ever actually, had been feeling great for half a year.

I have not been to any checkup, but I'm not worried about that. I'm capable of getting erections, and when this started I could jerk off easily.

And it's not so much a matter of priority in investment, it's more that I don't have a steady income, so there's no economy at all here to be able to afford any form for therapy.

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Originally Posted by deadkennedy

I don't smoke anything or drink heavily, and my diet is great, I eat just about everything.

I've been doing a lot of tings differently. When this relationship started a few months ago I had been making a whole bunch of friends, which has never really been my forte. With my previous girlfriend I was not allowed to talk to girls or anything, and even before getting to know her I was repeatedly in trouble with my peers, getting verbal and physical abuse from everyone outside my family since I turned 5. So by all means I was in a good place mentally when this started, better then ever actually, had been feeling great for half a year.

I have not been to any checkup, but I'm not worried about that. I'm capable of getting erections, and when this started I could jerk off easily.

And it's not so much a matter of priority in investment, it's more that I don't have a steady income, so there's no economy at all here to be able to afford any form for therapy.

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Have you looked into free/reduced cost counseling in your area? The more you write about your history, the more I think talking to someone face to face about your problems would be best. Immediate feedback and non-verbal communications can be very important.

People who have been abused (especially mentally or emotionally) can have the tendency to fall back on negative thought processes when things are going good for them. In some cases, it is because subconsciously they feel undeserving of anything good. There is some part of them that feels like the bullies/abusers were right about them.

Recognizing that there are those thoughts can help, however, trying to work through them on your own might not be enough. This is not something you want to make your girlfriend responsible for either. By now, she may be harboring some feelings of inadequacy due to your continuing problem.

How much does she know about your past? Does she know enough to comprehend that your problems are not her 'fault' or anything that she has control over?

How old is your girlfriend? How much do you care about her? Do you care more about her than you have other girlfriends?

On a technical note: Has there been any penetration with your girlfriend? If so, then she is no longer a virgin. I hope you have been using protection to keep other issues from occurring.

I have not been looking for anything free or cheap to be honest, I prefer not to be in the way as such so therapy has never been something I've taken too seriously.

She know everything about it and is fully aware that my bad mood and failure to have sex has nothing to do with her. I've haven't really been one to hide any of it really, at least for this past year. I joke about it from time to time trying to ease things up, and I am capable of talking to just about anyone about these things. Everything except my inability to have erections that is.

She's 20, as far as caring for her, I don't believe in love or friendship or any such nonsense, at least until recently. I was able to feel this "love" a while ago however after I had a really bad accident with my friends. A lapse in judgment, so to say, where I lost control of my actions in a violent fashion, imagining I was facing violent peers from my past. Returning to my normal state of mind I realized that I care a great deal about her. She is also amongst the few who were able to forgive me and understand what happened, as far as I am concerned this proves that she does not feel any guilt or anything in regards to my inabilities, both emotionally and in the bedroom. However, when I compare care to my previous girlfriend, who I only found interesting because she was the only one interested in me and as such I created this "love" to feel normal, and this one, who I picked out of a rather large pile of attractive girls who had displayed interest in me, I'd have to say that I care a great deal about this girl and her traits. She's my ideal choice. I've even begun to discredit my disbelief in love and friendship and whatnot. I love this girl, which by itself is quite an accomplishment.

As far as penetration goes... well, sort off. My previous girl was also a virgin when we started, however she was nowhere near as tight as this girl, even though she was a midget in comparison... The furthest we have gone is to a pushing stage, and I was able to keep an erection for quite a bit, but since this proved to be incredibly painful for her and I stated losing my erection I pulled out. She was wet and ready when we started. We use both the pill and condoms.

However I think you are on to something here:

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People who have been abused (especially mentally or emotionally) can have the tendency to fall back on negative thought processes when things are going good for them. In some cases, it is because subconsciously they feel undeserving of anything good. There is some part of them that feels like the bullies/abusers were right about them.

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Whenever I'm in a party or anything "big" where most people would be really happy, or after such events, I shut down completely. I'd say that whenever I'm in an intimate situation with her I feel a great deal of guilt, as if I'm leading her on or abusing her, which doesn't make sense since I'm not doing any of those things. This mixed with pleasure, arousal, and flashing memories on an emotional level.

Thanks for all your help so far, this is all more then what I had hoped for. :)

Hhhmmmm...

Oral and vaginal stimulation aren't doing it for you, and yet you can still masturbate.

When you're masturbating, how hard are you gripping your penis?

I have a different thought here, while therapy is good for sorting out some of your issues, I believe that you might have trained your body to achieve orgasm in a very specific way. When you penetrate your GF, vaginally or orally, you're giving your body the right stimulus and you go flacid.

Just a thought. Let me know.

BTW, what birth control are you using? If you're using condoms, you might want to experiment with different varieties.