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Me and my boyfriend have been on and off for about three years. And of course we love each other deeply. But this year has been so weird, cuss we seem to argue a lot. He just told me that I'm not the same girl he fell in love with. He said I used to be more loving and caring. But I just turned into someone else. I don't know what to do. :(
Do you mind telling me how old you are?
Why have you been on and off for about three years?
Do you feel like you have changed? Could he be trying to distance himself from you to begin another break up?
If you love him and both of you want to work on building a relationship, then you need to sit down and talk about any concerns that each of you have. That means no pointing fingers, no blame, no accusations, being honest and listening when the other person is talking. If you aren't sure about what he is trying to say, ask for clarification. Don't assume you know what he means.
Do you think on some level that maybe you are afraid of breaking up again and are holding your emotions back?
After 3 years, you should have a very strong communication system. If it's fragile now, who's to say that another 3 years it will get better?
On and off relationships have a way of blowing up over and over again. If you can't fix the problems that broke you up in the first place, then why are you getting back together? Just so that you can push the reset button so that you can break up again?
Lay out the problems on the table. Fix them before restarting the relationship. Otherwise, you're better off going your separate ways.
Loving each other does not automatically translate into a good relationship.
You may well love each other but the relationship is on and off , you argue and it seems you've both changed.
Try nurturing the friendship and getting to know each other again.
Perhaps being in love is not enough. You need to like each other as well.
You have been on and off for 3 years? Sorry but to me that says that the relationship can't last very long for periods. Meaning that marriage is out of the question.
Not the same person? Maybe you have changed a little, but no one can totally change who they are. You may have picked up a few habits, but you are still you on the inside.
I second the how old are you comment.
What were the reasons for all these break ups? Who did the breaking up? And If you are fighting a lot now, think about how bad it will be next year.
But I know how you feel, a moth to a flame. Can't stay away even though that flame is going to burn you alive. Its just such a beautiful and warm thing, when you have the right distance, but you have to push it and try to get inside the flame. That's when it burns you. Yeah I know that feeling all too well.
Best suggestion that I even find very hard to do, flap those wings and blow that flame out. You'll thank yourself in the long run, trust me.
You need to find out why your partner thinks your growing apart from the relationship. You know arguments in a relationship can make it stronger if there is a purpose, but it can also destroy the relationship. Figure out why you guys keeps going back and forth from each other, I thought love is to be with each other even when the world is against you. Its never healthy when a couple breaks up to make up, nothing is ever fixed cause if it was why would you even bother breaking up the second, third, fourth, etc. Find away to improve your relationship if you can't then walk away from it. Its just my thoughts.
We all change as we grow and learn and we make the adjustment necessary to keep growing. Sometimes that means the people around us have to also adjust, as we adjust to them.
Honest communications is what smooths those adjustments, or reveal if they are not willing to accept them. Then we have to adjust our thinking, and so do they. Hard to have good communications when emotions get in the way though, so don't let them.
Have you changed or is it really him that's changed? It's possible that he's changed and is blaming you so he won't feel guilty about his change of heart.
First off, I am very curious, did you really change? Nobody here will know if whatever your boyfriend said about you is valid or not. Because we are not in his shoe. But let me tell you this from a male's perspective.
It is very rare for a guy to speak out his mind about whether you have change, or we are not happy about this or that. Men do not complain. It is not a male thing. They simply leave. BUt for your case, it is special. Your boyfriend looks like an assertive person to me. (as long as there are no verbal abuse) However, it also shows that this person has been watching, and evaluating you as a partner in a long run. There are the pros and cons to this kind of attitude but, well, we are all humans are self-centred at some point, so everyone would naturally want to protect themselves.
My say on this though is, you are on good grounds. Because your man is a talker and he brought up some sensetive stuff to a males psyche. He is indirectly hinting to you, "This is what i am unhappy about, and i would like it to be fixed. You are under monitoring phase." If he is the kind of man that you plan to make babies with him in the future, then you got to do something about it. Communicate. If you only plan to romanticize your so call relationship status like disneyland. You're wasting his time.
Nevertheless, I agree with what all the previous members commenting about your relationship on and off. I think it is at it's lowest maturity level. You will have to excuse me if I offend you. In reality, relationships doesn't work this way. Especially one that are committed and serious. Not even married yet and having all these tsunami's, hurricane, flood, turmoil to the heart? Common, what happen when you get married, worry about finance, transport, house, health care, etc.
Don't even think about it if you both can't pass the initial phase of
"This thing, called love" - Michael Bubble.
Hope that helps.
On and offs are those that only happen in Holywood. Modern society tend not to accept this which can be naïve. Now, if you truly love your guy, make effort, communicate, be more appreciative, listen, make improvement for the sake of yourself and him. You'll be far happier. If he still complains this and that, then it isn't your problem. Sometimes, some people are faulty (lack of an emotional chip, emphaty, understanding, caring, love). Let them be, that's okay.
Do you know why a lot of relationships fail? Communication and communicating in a right way, right time.
We are 16. &nd the negative answers about us breaking uhp is not needed. I thank you for trying to help. We broke uhp the first time because we barely talked to each other. The second time because he was dealing with a lot &nd I admittingly added on stress. We have come too far to give uhp. We have gotten better since this. He said he is still in love with me, buh I'm jusst not the same girl he fell in love with. Our arguments are basically petty. Buh we still argue. At least once ah week.
You are 16 and you have been together for three years (on and off) which means you began your relationship when you were 13 years old. Of course you have changed. I will bet so has he. You are teenagers and have a whole lot of changing ahead of you. You are growing up. It is normal and often relationships started at such a young age do not last into adulthood.Quote:
Originally Posted by alanamarie
Disagreements and differences of opinion are normal and should be worked through, together. Fights or arguments especially those that happen weekly are not normal. It means that you aren't comfortable being yourselves with each other or communicating effectively.
Only the two of you know if you can accept who each other is becoming. However, you shouldn't be so caught up in believing that you love someone that you try not to allow yourself to grow and change into the person you want to be. Trying to keep someone from being his/herself is not good or healthy for either person.
Our arguments were basically differences. Wha he could have done or wha I could have did. We feel way too comfortable around another. &nd our communication does need ah little more work. Buhh we are fine now. The love thaat we have is too strong to jusst give uhp over ah argument.
Quote:
Originally Posted by alanamarie
I am not saying that you have to 'give it up'. I am just saying that you need to work together and be understanding of the changes that growing up brings.Quote:
Originally Posted by alanamarie
One argument every once in a while is natural like differences of opinions, however, you are saying that the arguments are 'still' 'at least once ah week'. Please, if you two really want the relationship to continue, work on ways to let each other know what is bothering you before it blows up into fighting and agruing.
Good luck.
Thank you. :) I really appreciate it.
I would say you are both different people. You're growing and maturing, maybe looking for different things. There is a world of difference between 13 and 16.
Perhaps if two two learn to talk to each other, express yourselves honestly, not what you think the other may want to hear. Having fights every week is a sign something is not quite right and that could mean you two are simply growing out of each other.
You be the girl he fell in love with by being the girl you love yourself. Go do things that make you feel better - meditate, shop, work harder, hang out with friends, etc. If he sees your independence and strength, he's going to respect you a whole lot more. Once that respect is restored, he'll find his way right back there. It's not going to happen overnight, but be patient.
Good luck!
Check the year of the threads you are responding to. This one is two years old
Keep in mind, just because @alanamarie doesn't need the tips anymore, people are still searching key words and topics to seek advice.
Every relationship (even the good ones) go through the "I don't know you anymore/you're not the girl I fell in love with!" (you're testing me!) stage. A relationship that used to be a DREAM when we were first in love can be a real challenge when the relationship naturally grows and develops. Fears, issues, etc. pops up. Love is not all hearts and rainbows and everyone getting along all the time. This is true no matter what your age is.
This is where you learn if you can communicate through those petty arguments or if you let the arguments get bigger than what you DO like about each other.
Learning to argue/resolve conflicts is the most important skill we all learn! Don't give up... instead of fighting.. (attacking) or withdrawing in silence - maybe the two of you learning how the other person feels and communicating more about everything will help - (you said you broke up once because "we barely talk")...
Keep talkin' and good luck!
People change and love fades and changes as well, the older people get the more they can grow apart. Especially when you're young because you're constantly changing as you try to find the person you're supposed to be, achieve all the things in life you want to achieve, etc. It is very difficult to be with someone for an extended period and have them say that, as hard as it is to hear it, it's just as hard to say it. Maybe you and your boyfriend need to sit down and re-evaluate your relationship together, discuss BOTH of your guys' needs and wants in the relationship and what you both can do to meet the others needs. Above all always remember that sometimes just because you love someone, it doesn't mean they're the one for you, and if a solution to the issues you both have cannot be found, maybe it's best to count your losses and move on with your life as hard and painful as that is, sometimes it's what's for the best. I wish the best to you! I went through a similar thing with my ex boyfriend, we were deeply in love for two years, engaged to be married, etc. He was my best friend and everything I wanted in a man, but after two years I woke up one day and realized that he was nothing that I needed and I'd fallen out of love with him a lot time ago. It was very hard for me to be honest with myself about it, and even harder to let him go, we haven't been together in almost a year and I still think of him every day, hope he's happy, wonder what he's doing in life now, etc. And you would too, but don't ever cry because it's over, smile because it happened. You take the good with the bad and you live and you learn from your mistakes and experiences so that as you grow, you develop a better sense of what you want in life and in a partner. If he's not your prince charming, you will find him someday.Quote:
Originally Posted by alanamarie
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