Multiple threads merged

I have been following everyone's advice the best I can and now I am unsure. My ex's behavior has left me a little confused. I will try to sum it up for you.

Here is the situation: Two weeks ago my ex ended our relationship even though it was improving for the better. We had been having some problems but a few weeks before that we had come to some great revelations as to what the source of our problems is and how things could change. I had noticed a vast improvement already in our relationship and especially within myself because I had a much greater and understanding for my own and my ex's faults. Essentially, stress and distance was straining our relationship because my partner tends to become anxious and mean when presented with difficult situations and I tried my best to improve things the best way I could but I see now that my own reactions to their less than perfect behavior could have been different and more beneficial. However, two weeks later my partner ended it saying that they had treated me unfairly and that I deserved better so they were releasing me from the relationship. In my perspective though I had already seen much improvement and was ready to commit and move forward with the improvements knowing that I myself could improve my actions and in turn help improve our relationship. Sadly though, they would not listen to my reasoning but we had only seen each other once since this big talk so I feel they were scared of giving it the chance it deserves. The changes have really shown a different story to me though. For example, we hardly went a week without a huge phone fight (we live about 2.5 hours away from each other) but after the new revelations we went a few weeks without any fighting at all! No phone fights, no in person fights, in fact we got along better than ever the one time I got to see them. So I can't help but feel that the potential is there because there is a lot of love still there, we are peaceful and get along, we still talk, we want to be in each others lives more than anything.

One of the things my ex wanted was space so I promised to give it to them. I swore myself to no contact but the first three days after our break up I heard from my ex multiple times via phone, text Facebook etc. Then there was a week of silence, and then I got a random text about a show that reminded them of me. I waited a while and texted them back but asked no questions and did not try to initiate further conversation. Then a few days later, I got a message on Facebook about another thing that reminded them of me. Again, I respond but do not try to start a conversation. I want to emphasize that I am willing to give them the space they wanted. Question is, why do they keep contacting ME? Could they want me back? Or could they be just trying to fit me into the "Friend Zone" which I DEFINITELY do NOT want to happen until I am sure there is no chance.

Meanwhile, I've been inspired to take this time for me and it has been great! Picked up a new hobby, reconnected with some old friends, remodeled my bedroom (got out the bad Karma, haha!) I know my ex has heard from others how I'm doing just fine.. could that be prompting this contact? What does it all mean? They will be traveling through my town on May 1st and my plan was to continue no contact until about a week before, give them a quick call, see how it goes, and then see if they would like to meet briefly when they pass through town. Is this a good plan? Am I on the right path? They dumped me but their behavior has me so confused!

Sorry this turned out a bit longer than I had anticipated but I will appreciate ANY help or advice or guidance you can offer me. I feel a little lost! Thank you so so much!

Its normal to be confused here.

And its twisted thinking on the ex side... even if its not malicious...

Even when the other person says "look... i need some space and i need to step back"... they still probably want you to be thinking about them, missing them, etc...

Who hasn't done this? Wondered if that ex ever thinks about you?

Well... the problem here is your ex is going through the normal swings that come with a breakup... some days are good (silence) and some days are harder, even when a break is needed.

So... don't assume that contacting you when things are a little rough is any sign of wanting you back. Its likely a sign of missing the security of the known, but that's not enough...

Love that you redid the bedroom, by the way.

Listen to Kp2171 jules he knows what his talking about, also he helped me with the issues I had with my ex.

One question though
You keep saying they, them um it is only one person right?

Haha yeah it's only one person. I have a habit of not using gender pronouns in my writing, he she etc... just a bad habit I suppose left over from too much college writing where I was encouraged to drop he she I... etc.

Kp2171, Thanks for the advice and I'm glad you liked I redid my bedroom! The painting and everything gave me a great project to throw myself into and distract myself. I highly recommend it to anyone going through a break up

You are in the friend zone, and so available as a friend and you accepting that role, means your okay with it. It also keeps you in her corner, without romantic ties, and unable to move on. You're her comfort zone for when she has time on her hands, or bored.

What your doing is holding on to the false hope she changes her mind and that's why you say NC, but that's not what your doing, because your still available for her whenever she wants, even though you don't initiate it.

Your easier softer way will never work to get a proper healing as true No Contact is just as it says, a clean cutting off any kind of communications or meeting for any reason. Your doing the LC, (less contact) not the NC.

NC allows you to cope with your feelings without influence from her, and save a lot of confusion on your part, since you don't analyze or interpret anything she says and take it as hope that she will come back.

The reasons for doing NC the right way is for you to heal, let the emotional dust, and shock settle, and make better decisions based on facts, and not just feelings, so you make the right adjustments for yourself, and not others.

She thinks things are great, and friendship is enough, and she is free to pursue whatever interests her and whomever.

You have given her the cake, and allowed her to eat it. It happens when we don't accept that its over.

Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.


Talaniman Rule- Never let them break your heart TWICE! Didn't it hurt enough the first time?

Talaniman rules- When you get dumped, why go back, and get dumped again.

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- Never wait when you get dumped. Get your own life and let them get theirs.

Talaniman Rule-Never follow your heart when it’s so broken, it makes the brain feel like mush

Threads merged

Hello all and thanks for reading my post!

I got dumped a few weeks ago and my goal is to try to get my ex back in due time. I believe I have a decent chance and I have to try once more or I will always say what if but that's not really the issue here. Needless to say that since I want my ex back I'm not over them. However, an old acquaintance popped up in my life recently and asked me out for this Friday. I'm not really into them "in that way" even though they are nice but I accepted because I felt like a loser sitting around waiting for the right time to reconnect with my ex. Now I regret it. I feel like a big jerk because I feel like I am leading them on because I really have no interest in them romantically. Also, I can't help but have the stupid irrational fear that if my ex gets wind that I have started dating others I'll lose any chance with them in the future. Is that true? Or am I be silly and irrational... Am I being unfair to the new person and if so, how do I change plans without sounding like I'm feeding them a "line"? Or should I just shut up and enjoy a night out? Thanks so much for any advice!

Go out on the date and have fun. DO NOT talk about serious relationship issues re you and him or you and your ex. Talk about kittens and spring and favorite foods and books you hate. If he brings up older bfs or your ex, change the subject. One date is not a lifetime commitment.

Your ex might hear about it and get jealous and realize what he's losing. The old friend might turn out to be more interesting than you thought he was. You can't lose if you go out on this date. Win-win all the way!

If you know that the relationship with the person that you are not that into won't last than don't bother even trying. To improve you're your relationship with ex, just be more of a gentalmen and be charming and do that all through the relationship for more tips just go to my website. YouTube - kortneypt's Channel

Geez dude, its only hanging out with friends, so whays the big deal? Go to have fun with no expectations for romance, and intrigue. You do know what fun is don't you?

My gosh guy, she isn't even there, and she is telling you what to do.

That's sick!

Read the rules again. Especially this one.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Do you think she's really going to avoid going out with guy friends because it might hurt the possibility of maybe, perhaps dating you sometimes in the future?

Sorry. Usually when someone wants space, it is space away from you... not all men for all time. Just saying.

As for going out with the friend that you don't want to lead on... uh... do whatever. I don't see how you are going to betray someone by hanging out. If you know this person likes you too much I suppose you might need to back off or be willing to handle any drama... but really... like tal said... can't you go out with a friend and not have it be some big deal?

Again... is your ex going to structure her entire life around "will this hurt my possible chances of getting back together someday (or not) with the guy i just dumped?"

I doubt that you are the main theme in her plans. Sorry if that seems harsh... but that is reality.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jules6186

However, an old acquaintance popped up in my life recently and asked me out for this Friday.

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You're female, right? Everyone so far seems to think you are male. Or am I wrong?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You're female, right? Everyone so far seems to think you are male. Or am I wrong?

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Yeah... doesn't change the advice, but its nice to know...

Yeah I'm female and my ex is as well


Also, any advice to get my ex out of my head? I've been doing well with stuff, changing, growing, learning more about myself, picking up new hobbies, reconnecting with old friends, etc. Problem is, all the time, she's always in my thoughts! DRIVING ME INSANE! I want to reclaim all my life back, not just the outer images stuff. Tips?

I have a long history with my last Big Love Lost... and a child together... so no contact is not possible.

What has worked is first, at least limited contact and doing all the things you've been doing... reconnecting and meeting new people... etc

But that doesn't mean she's still not in my head... not to mention the really ugly details about what lead to the breakup... that, id love to lose and never think about again.

But it is what it is... I think it just takes time, its hard when you don't particularly want the break, and you have to do a lot of accepting.

My irish temper and dumb boy ways aren't particularly agreeable with this process... but it can be done. You just have to expect to have those thoughts and, to some degree, stop trying to flee from them. We are really lousy at accepting pain as a normal part of a process... we do all we can to try to "fix" it or escape from it... and we shouldn't, at least not immediately

no... that doesn't mean wallow in the mess. It doesn't mean do nothing and accept this is how things will be (as opposed to how they are right now)...

If a friend was going through this, you would show understanding and compassion for them, right?

Well... when we think of compassion, we often think of caring, love, kindness... but the latin root of the word means "to suffer with"... to really care for somebody you don't just have warm fuzzy feelings for them... you open yourself to hurting with them.

Well... we are willing to do this for our friends and family, but we aren't willing to do this for ourselves... to understand and be OK in hurting, and expecting that pain, and finding some peace in anticipating it.

I went through a really ugly stretch of depression and anxiety years back. The anxiety was ugly. Felt like id just woke up after hearing glass break and then seeing a shadow move down my hall. Just like that.

Well... the irony of it was just anticipating a possible anxiety hit would cause one... life is wacked. So... I found a few things to mentally ground me when that ugly moment was coming on, and honestly, part of it was stopping myself from fearing feeling lousy. Giving myself "permission" to really have those racing thoughts and not perpetuate them with additional stress. Its made a world of difference this time around, despite all the noise and mess... I'm just better tooled to work through it 'cause I know the pain isn't permanent and I know it's a part of the process.

So... you need to do all you've been doing... and to have a little compassion for yourself.

The only reason its scary is because its hard to trust things will be OK. Its normal to feel like that. Expect it.

Threads merged again

Hello! Hoping you guys can help me figure out where to go from here. My ex and I broke up about a month and a half ago and it was quite rough for me at first but I'm really doing great now! I gave myself time to heal, initiated a little contact and things are going well. We've talked on the phone and conversation flows better than before and she's even agreed to stop by and hang out for a little bit when she passes through town this weekend...

My question: Things are cool and comfy so far but I fear ending up in "the friend zone". I understand that it's a little necessary to create comfort between us but now how do I shake things up a bit so I'm not labeled the "ex turned bff"? I really think we should be together and would be good together as the causes of our breakup were her inability to deal with the stress she was under at the time and not great issues with our relationship. Those stresses are greatly lessened and I think if we gave it a shot it would be great! I just need to find a way to help facilitate that and not end up in the easy "friend zone". I know if it's not meant to be it just won't happen but I really want to give it a shot! Help me shake things up and give me some advice on how to encourage thoughts of a relationship beyond friendship! Thanks so much!