Ask Me Help Desk - I Can't Get Over My Ex-gf

I dated a girl for four and a half years. I haven't dated her in over 3 years. I'm still madly in love with her. Every relationship since her has been ruined because I still call her four times a day. We were engaged twice. She cheated on me with over 40 guys over the four and a half years. Many of them being my friends. I still forgave her time and time again, because I do still love her. Now she has two kids and a boyfriend, and I STILL can't get over her. I just got off the phone with her again five minutes ago and I'm sure I'll talk to her again in a few hours. Although she cheated on me, I love so many other things about her. Not being with her makes me feel hollow inside, because I'm so used to having her right next to me. I don't know what to do. I can't picture myself with anyone else but her. I'm so in love with this girl and don't know what to do...

Oh, this is awful. She cheated on you with over 40 guys? She is not worth it. You obviously care so much for her, but you should find someone who cares for you. She only cares about herself. She doesn't care that she hurt you over and over again, she knew she could get away with it too.

You say she cheated on you with your friends, these people are not your friends, they wouldn't do that to you. Over 40 guys, that is a lot, I don't think that's even normal to be with that many people.

Why call her? Especially a few times a day. You need to delete her number, and get yourself respect back : ) She doesn't respect you or even herself.

You deserve better : )

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear about your pain that you have been going through.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jauntyoptimistic

I dated a girl for four and a half years. I haven't dated her in over 3 years. I'm still madly in love with her. Every relationship since her has been ruined because I still call her four times a day.

What are you doing?

This relationship was over 3 years ago. Why are you obsessing on something that is clearly gone and over? You are letting the past destroy any hope of you having a happy future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jauntyoptimistic

She cheated on me with over 40 guys over the four and a half years. Many of them being my friends.Although she cheated on me, I love so many other things about her

She does not sound like a good person AT ALL or even someone that is a good candidate for a serious relationship.

Does cheating on you over 40 times (as you say) not tell you something about her. What are the other things you love about her so much that completely cancels out what she has done to you in the time you spent with her?

Is the balance equal when judging what these things are?

I doubt it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jauntyoptimistic

She cheated on me with over 40 guys over the four and a half years. Many of them being my friends. I still forgave her time and time again, because I do still love her.

So.. you were like her doormat then?

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Originally Posted by jauntyoptimistic

Now she has two kids and a boyfriend, and I STILL can't get over her.

She's moved on!

She won't be a part of your life again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jauntyoptimistic

I just got off the phone with her again five minutes ago and I'm sure I'll talk to her again in a few hours.

Obsessive!

Borderline stalking..

At most, she will feel that she has some kind of control over you and your feelings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jauntyoptimistic

I don't know what to do. I can't picture myself with anyone else but her. I'm soo in love with this girl and don't know what to do...

What you need to do is remove her from your life completely.

Stop contacting her, seriously mate, this was over 3 years ago..

I ask you again, What are you doing?

I understand your pain but this is doing you no good. You see, she hurt you in the relationship and now you are letting her damage your future and prevent you from having a happy life.

She has moved on with her life and you are stuck in this emotional hole that in fact you keep digging further and further by contacting her.

I don't mean this in a bad way but if you need professional help i.e counseling, then I would recommend seeking this help. There is nothing wrong with that if you are having trouble letting go which you evidently are.

Begin your journey of letting go and don't allow this woman to prevent you from moving on and having a happy future with someone who is more deserving of you.

I wish you the best of luck in this journey!

What makes you hollow inside has nothing to do with missing her.

You need to find yourself... the person who is independent and believes he deserves better than to be with person who cheats.

There is no happy ending here with her. Period. Unless you simply want to be the guy she goes to when there is no other option.

It sucks, I know. But you never really left her. Calling her when you are in other relationships is simply self destructive. You can say that the other relationships were not good enough, but how do you know? You were never really there. You were, and are, still in the same relationship with the girl... you project your feelings onto her and she uses them to her liking. Who can blame her? You're setting yourself up to be used.

I dated a girl for over six years. Ended in infidelity of sorts on her side. Sucked for two years... but I cut off all contact. No keeping being friends when her interests were not to make me happy. Again, hurt like hell for a time, but in time, she was out of my life and out of my head.

You need to do the same. You think you've been without her but you haven't. Until you do that, you're going to wonder why she's still in your head. You are letting her in there.

No contact with her. Period. Then get the rest of your life in order, channel your energies there.

I'm not saying there weren't things that might have been great about the relationship, and some you may never see again in another partner. So? Each partner brings new things to your life if you let them.

So... you need to believe there is better than this. And I agree, the friends you have are also jerks. You need a leap of faith and you need to lose the people who you think are supporting you when they are actually dragging you down.

I previously posted:
I Can't Get Over My Ex-gf
I dated a girl for four and a half years. I haven't dated her in over 3 years. I'm still madly in love with her. Every relationship since her has been ruined because I still call her four times a day. We were engaged twice. She cheated on me with over 40 guys over the four and a half years. Many of them being my friends. I still forgave her time and time again, because I do still love her. Now she has two kids and a boyfriend, and I STILL can't get over her. I just got off the phone with her again five minutes ago and I'm sure I'll talk to her again in a few hours. Although she cheated on me, I love so many other things about her. Not being with her makes me feel hollow inside, because I'm soo used to having her right next to me. I don't know what to do. I can't picture myself with anyone else but her. I'm soo in love with this girl and don't know what to do...

And what I was told to do was cut off all ties with the girl and all the people who used to be my friends because they slept with my girlfriend.

Now I ask, What do I do now? I just stop hanging out with everybody and become a clam? I realize I was basically a doormat to this girl and my friends, but that's how things have always been. I'm just a really nice person and have a tendency to forgive people over and over. I have a hard time letting go of people in my life, particularly girls. I know it sounds bad, I just feel insecure without her. I mean I am a confident person, but I was just so used to having her around that even when she cheated I couldn't let her go. She knows me so well and I don't want to start over with a new girl just for things not to work out and then end up having wasted my time. I was so used to having her and not having to look for a new girlfriend. I met her in high school. I just don't know where to meet a good girl that is sincere... I don't want to go meet a girl at a bar... So what do I do? Ahhh... I'm so confused! :confused:

Well... yeah, there is confort in having a person know you.

There's no comfort in being with a cheater. Unless you are going to cheat too and then you can be two cheating people in love. Unlikely, I know.

So... this means you just have to suck it up.

no... its not always easy to meet the next great person... but there's a lot of other people in your shoes too.

So get busy with your life. Most people meet a mate either through their daily activities (work, school, recreation, church, organization, other common circles you frequent) or out of the blue from a chance meeting or from someone you know who knows someone.

Look... the problem from your previous post is that you never let her go. And you let your friends use you.

You know that. You want things to be different. OK.

There isn't a switch you can throw. It takes time. The first goal is to figure out how to get this girl out of your head, cause she's still ruining your relationships. It sucks... she out there getting something, and she's still keeping you from getting it. Sounds a little twisted, eh?

I don't have a magic answer. You do your life, you get busy, and one day you look up and there's a person you are interested in. *poof*

So, figure out how to make your life better without thinking too much in the context of how do I get someone... eventually someone will likely come along.

But you are in no way ready for a relationship. You are still hung up on this girl and you're looking to fill up the painful void.

Let yourself feel the pain for a bit. At some point it'll get so boring that you'll do something about it.

Hate to sound harsh but you are in for a rough ride if you don't take a more aggressive approach to your life. I mean what would you tell some one to do with themselves after letting some female kick you around like a dog and humiliate you in front of your so called friends? Cut them all loose and find a responsible adult male to talk to, and instead of looking for a good girlfriend start working on yourself. You have a lot of work to do on YOU, before you get to the point you can be in a healthy relationship. You need a lot of help my friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jauntyoptimistic

I don't want to start over with a new girl just for things not to work out and then end up having wasted my time. I was so used to having her and not having to look for a new girlfriend. I met her in highschool. I just don't know where to meet a good girl that is sincere... I don't want to go meet a girl at a bar... So what do I do?? Ahhh... I'm so confused!!:confused:

Talk about wasting time! It can't get more wasted than this. Where to meet another girl is the least of your problems. You are emotionally lazy and lack self-respect. Work on growing a spine and getting strong within yourself. Until that's done, any girl you get involved with will be a rerun of this relationship. Re-read Tal's post several times. Get to work.

The previous responses said it best so I have not much to add here.

I followed your previous thread. I stand by all the advice I gave you previously and also what others said too.

Time to be strong and let go of her. Why hang on to someone like that anyway? She treated you like a piece of dirt, walked all over you and as Tal rightly points out, humiliated you in front of your so called friends.

You lack self-respect and this is shown by your repeated forgiveness of other's actions which hurt you.

When you forgive people over and over again and give them repeated chances, they just think that you are a doormat and they can do what they like. The outcome will be the same. You will forgive them and they won't have to face the consequences of their behavior.

You are too nice, and there is a difference between being a good person and a nice person.

You say you are confident yet nothing in your post suggests that this is the case. In fact, your actions are of those of a person who lacks self-esteem. You let others control you and this must stop. You must begin to realise that you are worth more than this.

You don't go to bars and pick up nice women, well I mean sometimes you do but mostly you meet people in situations like work (inadvisable though) or perhaps joining some kind of club or community activity. Perhaps you could take up some kind of physical hobby that will not only improve your self-esteem but may help put you in contact with like minded healthy women. Forget meeting women in bars!

You are not ready to be in a relationship at the moment, you need to work on yourself otherwise you will just get used again!! People follow patterns unless they make the choice to make positive changes in their life.

The best of luck to you with this!

:eek: I did it again, I got to the end and realised that I said I had hardly anything to add.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

you are still hung up on this girl and you're looking to fill up the painful void.

let yourself feel the pain for a bit.

this was especially helpful!:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You have a lot of work to do on YOU, before you get to the point you can be in a healthy relationship. You need a lot of help my friend.

I am seeing a psychologist now. I started last Monday and now go once a week.