Ask Me Help Desk - Step parenting problems

My wife and I have been married for seven years now. She has three kids from her previous marriage, and I have two from my previous marriage. Our situation is more than a little unique in that she and I live on the East Coast with her kids, and I travel back and forth to the West Coast to spend every other weekend with my kids and support my consulting career with my West Coast clients. The problem is with my wife's 16 year old son. As I said, she has three kids including the son. The others are an 18 year old daughter and a 12 year old daughter. I get along just fine with the girls. Unfortunately the boy is quite another story. The root of the problem is pretty obvious. My wife's ex has waged a war on my wife and I ever since she left him about 10 years ago. He believes that she left him for me when that she left him to save herself since he was abusive to both her and the kids during their marriage. Yes, she knew me when she left him. But, our relationship didn't start until afterward. His abusive nature was so obvious and well documented that my wife was granted complete custody of all three kids. Her ex has been granted only visitation rights (2 evenings a week + every other Sunday afternoon). He specifically has no overnight visitation privileges. Despite numerous lawsuits that he has initiated to adjust visitation, to lower child-support, etc. etc. nothing in the initial court ruling has ever changed with the exception of my wife's having to seek alternative means to collect the child-support payments that became delinquent due to his refusal to pay. In any case, my wife and I have in the 7 years of our marriage gone to what I consider heroic measures to avoid saying anything bad about her ex to the kids. We've believed that eventually the kids will figure things out for themselves. This has proven to be the case with the two girls. It's pretty clear that the 12 year old has somehow understood the nature of the situation from day one given her pretty much wholehearted acceptance of me all along. Although there was some mild friction with the 18 year old a few years ago, I don't regard that friction as something inspired by my wife's ex. In the last couple years, the 18 year old and I have grown to become pretty good friends. Simultaneously, she has taken steps to remove herself from her father because she has experienced a couple incidents where he showed his true colors to her. Consequently, she rarely even sees her father at the scheduled visitation hours or any other time for that matter. As mentioned, the 16 year old boy is quite the opposite. And, its becoming obvious that the situation is only growing worse and worse. His level of disrespect for both me and my wife is outrageous. He tells my wife things like: "you can't tell me what to do!!!".. . "you have no right to make me do this or that . . . . "
These outbursts are accompanied by language that would make a sailor blush and threatening body language that at one point ended in my having to push him to the floor and hold him there so that he was unable to hit me or my wife. Once I released him he proceeded to yell at me from across the house about how I "ruined his life!!!" This is a accusation I've heard more than a couple times from him. Recently, in the midst of one of his verbal attacks on his mother, I felt the need to intervene simply because I wasn't going to accept that form of language and abuse being dumped on my wife in my house. The intervention resulted in his leveling personal attacks on my parenting and relationship with my kids (the ones in California that I visit every other week and maintain a condominium where they live with me when I'm there). When I reminded him that I've have tried and tried over these last 7 years to be good to him doing everything including attending his baseball games, his basketball games, his soccer games, trying to teach him to sail, taking him to pro baseball games, taking him out on my boat(s).. . etc. his response was to stare me in the eye with a particularly devilish grin and proclaim that he was "glad that I failed!!" He then went on the explain that the only person he listens to is his father. The look in his eyes as he issued that statement told me that he fully understood every possible aspect and every possible meaning of that statement. Clearly, his father sees himself as being at war with my wife and I. Just as clearly, when this kid proclaims his loyalty and admiration for his father, he is basically stating that he's his father's little soldier in that war. The result is that I have told my wife that I will no longer tolerate this kid. I know that he is in her custody, and that there isn't much I can do about that until her turns 18, but for the next two years, this kid is to steer clear of me at all times. He's not allowed to eat with me, he's not allowed to utilize my internet connection, he's not allowed on my boat. Obviously, this kid is a problem. But, the problem goes beyond the kid, beyond the father and is partially a function of his mother.. . My wife. She allows him to get away with things too easily. Its been less than a week since this kid spouted off with some of the most vile things any kid could say to any parent and despite the fact that I asked her before I left to return on my typical alternate weekend in California not to make my absence a holiday for that kid, I find that she took him to the movies on Saturday night. Probably a small thing to most people, but in light of what had traspired less than a week previous, I feel that it provides the kid with precisely the wrong message and shifts the dynamic so that instead of him being the "problem," now I'm the "problem." I really don't know what to do. I spent a couple hours on the phone with my sister yesterday and she thinks I should just leave both for my sanity and personal safetly (she feels that this kid is perhaps capable of physical violence). I don't agree about the physical violence part, but I'm seriously wondering about my sanity.

His mother needs to lay down some ground rules and hold to them. It sounds like (from what you have said) she is raising a copy of her ex-husband. I say 'she' because she is the primary parent. You are correct that she should not reward him for acting the way he is. He needs for her to be a strong parent not a guilt-ridden mommy.

I think he needs to see a counselor/psychologist. By the time line you have given, he was 6 when she left her ex. That would be old enough to know something was wrong but maybe not to associate it with his father's actions. To him, it probably does seem as though his mother disrupted his life and relationship with his father for her own selfish reasons. His father is feeding into that anger. Unfortunately, being male, the ex is less likely to show him the same contempt, etc. that he has for the females. He needs a neutral party to listen to him and help him work through the anger.

There needs to be a try at family counseling. While he may be the biggest problem, it is only time until his outbursts affect his sisters especially the younger one, if they haven't already. The louder child does seem to get most of the attention at the expense of the quieter children.

As for leaving or staying, that is entirely up to you. I think you need to sit down with your wife without children around and have an open and honest discussion about the problems. Marriage counseling might be an idea. A neutral party to keep the discussion on track and to give ideas could be very helpful.

One resort a step away from the 'last resort', might be separate households for you and her until he is out of the house. Do you think you could handle a separation and could she handle her son feeling like he 'won'?

Kids from any home, or blended family, or families with step-parents, or families with both natural parents, etc. etc. go through the teenage years. They use anything and everything in their verbal (and sometimes physical repertoire) to turn everybody's life upside down.

Why? Maybe his girlfriend ditched him, or he woke up with a zit. Who knows. Teens change on a dime and respond inappropriately to the most obvious things (to us).

Your personal situation being the step-parent, makes you no different than any other loving parent, as far as realizing teenagers go through stuff that will likely never have a reasonable explanation for. It isn't because of you, or who you are, or what you do- it is merely a convenient excuse to use you as a 'cause' of all his problems.

I think you are adding insult to injury here in a few ways. First you are putting your wife in an impossible situation. You have dug your heels in to cut the kid out of your life essentially- you have given up the parenting role you chose to take on. She is in the position of now dealing with two warriers. She cannot abandon her son, and she can't make you happy because you have dialed out. What is she supposed to do.

By not even allowing the kid to eat with the family, to be honest with you, is hurtful and childish. If you think he is providing ammo to his father about you, you've just given him a weeks' worth right there. Do you really think that your actions are in the child's best interest? To isolate him, and appear not to care or love him?

You need tools and guidance to cope with any teenager going through the stage of rebellion to such an extent that it is verging on physical violence. Obvious behaviours must be changed, and all of you need to repect each other enough to figure out what you need to do to make changes everybody can live with.

Keep the problem where the problem is. The environment you are in, your wife and kids are in, and particularly this male teenager. Consider only the needs of the family. Some balance and expectations with consequences have to be put in place. Please please please see a family counsellor to address the needs of your family.

You sound like a very good man, father and person, and I'm not faulting you for reacting the way you have, or thinking the way you do. But, you cannot bail now. Come up with a different plan, with help from an experienced counsellor, for both you and your wife to use to take back control- united together- in your own home.

Consider too that as long as you have taken yourself out of the picture, your wife is under particular pressure to keep the peace and keep everybody happy.

Please get the help that many of us have already had, having lived through these years.

You can do this.

What was his attitude and behavior like 5-7 years ago? Has this been the issue from day one or is it more recent? Any chance he is into drugs/alcohol? What are his friends like?

How you respond may depend on those factors... if it is more recent behavior, it very well be major teen angst as Jake2008 suggested. If this is the case, you can't pick when it is convenient or comfortable to parent. Yes, it is tempting to push him away (and now he suddenly becomes your wife's son), but that may only serve to justify his behavior in his eyes.

Would it help if mom was tougher? Maybe, but that is something that gets laid down early on. Difficult to suddenly try to pull rank if the boundries and level of respect were not established earlier as they should be. She certainly can discuss the issue with him, but only at a time when there hasn't been an outburst so that he may be more open to listening and perhaps even sharing he own feelings and thoughts.

Try not to rise to his bait and feel the need to defend your parenting... he is lashing out in anyway he feels will hurt you.
Respond coolly and calmly, keep it matter of fact... but don't hesitate to seek intervention if you feel physically threatened.

I agree with the suggestion of counseling. It can help you and your wife deal with the situation from a united front without pitting you against each other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

His mother needs to lay down some ground rules and hold to them. It sounds like (from what you have said) she is raising a copy of her ex-husband. I say 'she' because she is the primary parent. You are correct that she should not reward him for acting the way he is. He needs for her to be a strong parent not a guilt-ridden mommy.

I think he needs to see a counselor/psychologist. By the time line you have given, he was 6 when she left her ex. That would be old enough to know something was wrong but maybe not to associate it with his father's actions. To him, it probably does seem as though his mother disrupted his life and relationship with his father for her own selfish reasons. His father is feeding into that anger. Unfortunately, being male, the ex is less likely to show him the same contempt, etc. that he has for the females. He needs a neutral party to listen to him and help him work through the anger.

There needs to be a try at family counseling. While he may be the biggest problem, it is only time until his outbursts affect his sisters especially the younger one, if they haven't already. The louder child does seem to get most of the attention at the expense of the quieter children.

As for leaving or staying, that is entirely up to you. I think you need to sit down with your wife without children around and have an open and honest discussion about the problems. Marriage counseling might be an idea. A neutral party to keep the discussion on track and to give ideas could be very helpful.

One resort a step away from the 'last resort', might be separate households for you and her until he is out of the house. Do you think you could handle a separation and could she handle her son feeling like he 'won'?

Thanks for your consideration. Although I think counseling might be a help for my wife and I, I'm unsure about the good that can come of it for the step-son. I say that because he's already been going through counseling for as long as I can remember, and with a couple different counselors who had different approaches. He's spent the most time with a woman psychologist who (I feel) was all but completely ineffective. She was partners with a psychiatrist who had diagnosed him as bi-polar, and medicated him accordingly. I'm not a psychologist, but the behavior didn't match the descriptions that I had read about bi-polar. Yeah, he had the outrageous highs at times (he would sometimes literally bounce off the walls), but I never saw the extended (nearly suicidal) lows that I believe is typical of true bi-polar. His lows weren't of a depressive nature, they were more like fits of anger. My wife eventually agreed that this psychologist/psychiatrist combo wasn't really accomplishing anything and was perhaps harming him with the potentially inappriopriate prescriptions. So, now he's seeing a psychiatrist who has diagnosed him as simply hyper-active (with some potential for attention deficit). And, he's now being medicated accordingly. The medication seems to be helping in that his grades are definitely improved and more consistent. Counseling, however, I believe has proven and will continue to prove ineffective with him. That is perhaps why the psychologist/psychiatrist combo was ineffective. They focused on the psychologist's counseling with the psychiatrist seeing him only about twice a year. I believe that the counseling was ineffective because of the father's influence. The father has been openly hostile towards counseling/counselors all along - even before my wife left him. They had tried marriage counseling and he completely mocked the entire process (according to my wife). Subsequent to their divorce and the custody ruling, the judge insisted that a family counselor-type be appointed (there is a specific term for this person which eludes me at the moment, but suffice to say that this person's job is something between a counselor and an attorney whose advocacy is towards the kids). We went through three of these people because they all kept resigning due to the ex's abusive, manipulative, deceitful, etc. behavior. When my wife first took her son to counseling, the psychologist asked to include the father. After numerous attempts to get him into to make an effort to attend a session (calls/letters from my wife, from the psychologist, from the psychiatrist.. . ) he finally showed up at one session one evening. As it turned out he would have been better left out of things because from the moment he got there until the moment he left (which consisted of only about 20 minutes from what I heard) he openly (as in right in front of the kids) mocked the psychologist and even verbally abused her calling her things like a "quack" and various other comments intended to not only humiliate her but to also discredit her in the eyes of his son. It's noteworthy that my wife felt that all three of the kids would benefit at that time from sessions with the counselor, and so they would all get their 45 minutes with her once a week. So, they were all there to witness their father's treatment of the psychologist. My guess is that he was pretty successful in that attempts to influence the kids (particularly his son's) attitudes towards counseling, which is why even though the counseling efforts were only mildly effective if at all up until that point, they were rendered a total waste of time/money after that incident.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

What was his attitude and behavior like 5-7 years ago?? Has this been the issue from day one or is it more recent?? Any chance he is into drugs/alcohol?? What are his friends like??

How you respond may depend on those factors.....if it is more recent behavior, it very well be major teen angst as Jake2008 suggested. If this is the case, you can't pick and choose when it is convenient or comfortable to parent. Yes, it is tempting to push him away (and now he suddenly becomes your wife's son), but that may only serve to justify his behavior in his eyes.

Would it help if mom was tougher? Maybe, but that is something that gets layed down early on. Difficult to suddenly try to pull rank if the boundries and level of respect were not established earlier as they should be. She certainly can discuss the issue with him, but only at a time when there hasn't been an outburst so that he may be more open to listening and perhaps even sharing he own feelings and thoughts.

Try not to rise to his bait and feel the need to defend your parenting....he is lashing out in anyway he feels will hurt you.
Respond coolly and calmly, keep it matter of fact.....but don't hesitate to seek intervention if you feel physically threatened.

I agree with the suggestion of counseling. It can help you and your wife deal with the situation from a united front without pitting you against each other.

I would be shocked to the core if it turned out to have anything to do with drugs/alcohol. One thing that I didn't mention before is that his father is a cop.. . And a massively self righteous one at that. In fact he even tried to accuse my wife and I of being alcoholics by having his son steal the occasional wine bottle out of our trash so that he could present two wine bottles as evidence in his argument that we abuse alcohol to the judge in the next custody "re-trial." Of course the judge never allowed him to go there, but the messages were clear (a) he claims not to drink and to therefore be a saint.. . Even though I happen to know he's had a beer or two, and (b) he will stop at nothing to involve his son in his war against his mom and I. In fact, this serves as a partial answer to your question about whether this behavior has been consistent over the last 7 years. The "trash picking" was near the beginning of the 7 years and was accompanied by other acts of theft carried out by the kid at the instruction of his father. He would remove smallish items from the house that the father felt he deserved even though he hadn't been awarded in the property settlement.

As for friends, you bring up an interesting point. Both of his sisters seem to enjoy an extremely healthy if not downright hectic social life. In contrast to them, he would seem to have few, if any friends - or at least it would appear that way from what I see. Maybe he's got plenty of good relationships at school, but doesn't do anything with those kids once he gets home. But, I believe it's more than teen angst. Such angst is probably not helping matters, but in that latest altercation, he pretty much declared (without having to read much in-between the lines) that he's his father's soldier.

Clearly his father is in need of serious psychological assistance, but just as clearly he will never get it. (In fact, his prior police employer - yes he's had a couple - attempted to have him evaluated psychologically. This was a long time ago, but as I understand it, the results were inconclusive and not sufficient to support their obvious intent which was to get him out of there. Instead they could only relegate him to a permanent station in the evidence room where he spent about five years of his career - while pilfering various pieces of inactive evidence like bicylces and computers - with that police department before he retired and sought his next police job in the next unknowing police locality.)

It's the status as his father's soldier (totally and completely buying into his father's "victim" posturing, his father's characterization of me as something less than the devil himself, and his belief that the combination of these two things and all the other less than satisfactory things in his life are somehow my fault) that make him something that I can no longer tolerate. In my gut, I don't believe that there is anything that will change the stepson's view of me, and make our existence of a more tolerable nature until he realizes for himself how much his father has used and abused him over these years. The way things are going, I'm guessing that he will be well into his 20s if not 30s before the light goes on and he realizes what kind of hell he has created for not just me, but his mother, and ultimately for himself, by allowing his father to use him like a puppet.

I know that I'm putting my wife in a difficult situation. So, yes it has come down to him or me. I realize that. I know that the stepson is not only aware of that, but that he has intentionally created the situation. What is interesting is that it only recently dawned on my wife that her son was possibly doing his utmost to promote this situation. We have had many discussions about all this lately and at one point she bemoaned the fact that I'm putting her in a "Sophie's Choice" situation. When I apologized and acknowledged that this was true, I mentioned that her son was probably not only aware of that also, but was actively promoting the situation because he (from his point of view) couldn't lose. If I leave, he wins. If he leaves, he wins.. . Because he assumes that he'll go to his fathers.. . Which is exactly what he wants. Somehow, this had never occurred to my wife.

Its also noteworthy that in the course of those discussions, my wife suggested that if I leave the West Coast for good and move East full-time, then she'll find some way to make her son go live with his father. First of all, I have no intention of abandoning my relationships with my 13 year old daughter and 10 year old son. Those relationships are healthy, my kids lead happy lives with their mother, their stepfather and me. There is no reason to dismember that structure at this point, even if I wanted to. But, most important, I don't want to. I love my kids and I love the time we spend together and the privilege of watching them grow up. I've told my wife that when my 10 year old son is well into high-school (no later than senior year, but no sooner than junior year) will I abandon the West Coast. I told her that at the very beginning. I have to admit, that I don't know what she was thinking with that offer. The point is that I found it more than a little offensive. My kids are not the problem.

Sure, she may see them as the problem since they are what keep me away from her for nearly half the time. But, with or without my kids, her son would be a considerable problem. Whether my kids existed or not, the father would be putting the same pressure on his son that he does now, and the behavior over which this is all about would exist.

So, where does this leave us? At the moment, my admittedly draconian rules are in place and the stepson seems to be avoiding me. He has no internet, and has made himself a frequent pest of his sisters to use their computers. They refuse not only because they understand the rule, but because of the other rule that's always existed.. . No computer sharing. He accepted the not eating with the rest of the family rule from the beginning because I think he thought it would give him a new freedom to do what he wanted for his meals. I think he's finding this one the hardest to deal with (close to the internet thing though). But, this rule has been a long time coming in that he's been making a mockery of the dinner hour for years now and has made his sister's lives hell at the table all that time. Basically, he's been begging for that one for years. I don't know if he realizes that he's out of hear on his 18th birthday. My guess is that if he does, he's happy about that (at least on the surface) because he figures he'll get what he wants which is to live with his father. I guess he'll figure out then - which will be much too late - that being raised by his father is not what he thought it might be. As far as other things, like no boats, I'm have no second thoughts on those either. I've spent waaaayyyyy too much money on those things to be able to stomach the notion of wasting gas and maintenance dollars on that kid after the way he's treated me. I was brought up among kids whose families had boats and the use of those boats were always treated as a privilege that was to be earned by proving that you were responsible enough to handle the obligation, and worthy of the privilege with the respect you provided the rest of your family. This kid has shown none of either.

My biggest concern right now is that for the last 7 years, my kids from California have spent the month of August on the East Coast with us. Every year, there has been some altercation manufactured by the step-son that taints those summers, but I continued to do it each year. In general, he would encourage and befriend my kids (particularly my son) early on in the month, only to morph into some form of godzilla later in the month in his creation of various arguments, ugly incidents, etc. I really don't want to go through that this year and can't figure out what to do.