My husband and I of 11 years (2 children, ages 6 & 2) cannot agree on living arrangements. He owns a business and works 12-14 hours a day. I work full time, but have the added responsibility of carting the kids to all their activities. Our current home of 8 years is not extremely far from the schools, but just far enough, so it's very inconvenient and time consuming every time you need milk or someone has sports, etc. I want to move closer to the schools, but the only option is to build a house, as the real estate market is awful where we live. My husband does not like this idea and is perfectly happy with our current arrangements. He won't budge and I can't take being away from family, friends and the kids activities. Help

How far are you really?

You know what I can understand his way of thinking.

11 years and 8 years in your current home. It is a risk, to move closer, build a new home and buy new land.
There is probably other reasons it is better to stay where your at.

Please answer my question about how far are you really from the schools and such?

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Originally Posted by nnyorker

My husband and I of 11 years (2 children, ages 6 & 2) cannot agree on living arrangements. He owns a business and works 12-14 hours a day. i work full time, but have the added responsibility of carting the kids to all their activities. Our current home of 8 years is not extremely far from the schools, but just far enough, so it's very inconvenient and time consuming every time you need milk or someone has sports, etc. I want to move closer to the schools, but the only option is to build a house, as the real estate market is awful where we live. My husband does not like this idea and is perfectly happy with our current arrangements. He won't budge and I can't take being away from family, friends and the kids activities. Help

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Bear with me as I ask a bunch of questions to try to understand what is going on.

Let's start here: Do you own the home you are in right now? Do you owe more on a mortgage than the house is worth? Why did you originally move into this house? Are those reasons still valid?

How long have you wanted to move 'closer' to the school? If you moved closer to the school, how far away would that put you from his business and your workplace?

How many activities are your children involved in at six and two years of age?

Is this about the children or is it about friends and family? Were you used to being closer to them before you moved into this house? Has the distance seemed greater more recently than it did? Are you feeling lonely being 'away' from your friends and family? Do you feel like you are missing their support?

You say that he works 12-14 hours a day. Is this a recent development or has it been this way for a long time? Does he help with the house and children when he has free time? Do you have any free time to yourself?

As someone who has moved 12 times, and had to put my children in six schools in 8 years, if you don't have to move them- don't.

We lived in places that took 45 minutes to and from to get to the hockey arena, and the kids had a 1/2 hour bus ride to and from school every day in a few of those locations which was compounded by heavy snow and bad roads. When you add school activities, shopping, etc. it was VERY inconvenient.

It seems like your needs are somehow not being met here by quite a different situation. With inconvenience to you to get where you need to go, that doesn't sound too far away, I'm wondering if it is more of a problem with doing it all on your own, and you're just fed up and need some support- from your husband.

Instead of investing in building a new home, why not cut your hours back if you can afford to. Get a car pool going for the kids activities, and organize better so you don't have to make that trip for just a quart of milk.

My husband too worked those long hours, and many, many times I wanted to stick needles in my eyes, rather than keep it all up and running by myself. He would not compromise, so that's where I can relate to where you are coming from.

Be realistic and take him out of the picture and try not to hold resentment, it will drive you crazy. Hire a neighbourhood kid to cut the grass, and consider cutting back on your kid's activities. When mine were up to four each, per week, I realized how ridiculous it was, and cut them each to two.

If you can free up time, and cut the responsibilities (and driving) a bit, each of the hours you save will give you time to breathe.

I was very happy with our final move that we moved to a house with streetlights, sidewalks, and downtown within a 15 min walk. It has been heaven.

But, I would not ever, ever change my kid's schools for all the tea in China. It is just too hard on them, at least it was for mine.