Hi, All!

Okay. Serious matter. I'm going out on a limb, here...

For a long, long time that which we now consider to be abuse in the legal sense, wasn't labeled as abuse. Now, there are many types of abuse that have been labeled, whereby there are possible legal ramifications for the abuser - fines, imprisonment, counseling, etc.

I was physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally abused by a much older, close member of my family. This included being beaten with a fist, yelled at and threatened to be killed numerous times. I can't remember everything else that went on, because I've either blocked it out of my memory or simply forgotten because it happened so long ago.

It left me emotionally scarred to the point, that to this day, I'm still very afraid of that person. Although, if I saw that person now, I would stand up to that person.

I was in counseling for a number of years to deal with my anger as well as my fear... I got over my anger, but I've never truly gotten over my fear.

It also hasn't been until recent years, that I actually realized that I was being abused.

Dysfunction can run rampant within an immediate family that might also include the extended relatives.

For those of you who are adults who were abused as a child, how does being abused affect you now? What coping strategies have you used to deal with how you think and feel, in a positive, proactive way? And, if you don't mind, please share the type of abuse that you suffered, if you're comfortable doing that.

Also, can we truly get over the fact that we might have been abused as children? Some appear to be able to, others not. What's the difference?

Being abused as a child can truly shape the way that we think, feel and act for decades to come.

Thanks!

Because I don't want you left dangling out on that limb that you have bravely gone out on I'm going to reply right away.

I was physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused as a child. I came from a very dysfunctional family with a schizophrenic mother and alcoholic father.

As to how it has affected me in life I will need to give some thought to this before I can answer properly.

One thing I will say though is that although there were many negative effects there were also some positive ones.

I feel it has given me a lot of compassion and made me determined to forge the best possible relationships with my own children that I could, and think I have done a reasonable job with that.

It is probably the underlying reason I came to and come to this site. Sometimes the shadow it casts emerge in day to day problems and I need to ask for help. Sometimes the positive legacy motives me to reach out and try and help others. I imagine there are quite a few people on here, yourself included, that are similarly motivated after surviving difficult experiences themselves in life, of one sort or another.

I too have come a long way in coming to terms with negative emotions like anger, and in my case shame as well. I agree fear can be the hardest to conquer. I was abused in various ways by several different people and one of them I do still fear. Having said that, I met this person recently and he is still an out and out bullly who obviously gets a lot of satisfaction from other people's pain, and incidentally is much bigger and stronger than me physically even now I am an adult. So maybe being scared of him and preferring to avoid him is actually a reasonable response.

I'm not sure what else to say at this point but will give it some thought. I would be interested in what else you have to say if you want to share any more thoughts and you can be assured I will never judge you badly for whatever you suffered and how you have reacted to it. Should I even have to say that? No. But that's the legacy of feeling shame for something you weren't responsible for, there's always that awareness that the victim can somehow feel tainted by their experience.

<<HUGS>>

Yes, being abused. No matter in what way does and can shape who we are later in life. Some get counseling for it and some do not.

Will tell you that it is up to each individual to allow that abuse to eat away at you, and turn it into a negative as you grow older. Or use it as a positive and learning lesson on how to treat others when your older by never repeating the same behavior towards others.

There is lots of years of guilt and pain, emotionally and physically and the scars of abuse always run deep and honestly feel that no matter what way it effects each individual positive or negative in the future, that mark will always be there.

Meditation and prayer and having a very close relationship with God helped through all situations and helped with healing. Bringing it up though is not thought of and moving forward away from all the guilt and pain is important.

Trying to live a happy life with happy family and not repeating anything is so important.

I truly believe that every negative, every situation bad that has been gone through has taught how to be a better, more rounded person.

So a positive outcome, yes. What kind of person would be without those experiences who knows.

I am who I am because of all of my lessons and life experiences. Better person because of it.

Joe

I grew up in a house where there was no father, sometimes uncles I never knew I had. My mom was always here and there, my sisters were with my grandmother, I still don't know why she didn't take me too.

My mom either drank, smoked, or got high. I remember that my mom would lock me in the basement while she had parties or if she said I was acting out. My mom had loads of fun calling me names. I don't even remember her cooking anything else than Kraft Dinner. I was hungry a lot as a kid-- now I obsess about food being in the fridge, it's always stocked up.. so are my cabinets.

A few years later I got involved with a 19 year old at such a tender age and had unconsenual sex with him. My mom called me a slut and told me I deserved it.

Fast forward a few years, I fell in love with a guy who wasn't good for me, had a child young.. I could see me going into my mother's direction but I stopped. I didn't want Rachel to be like I was when I was little.. so lost and confused, lonely... ahh. So I dropped the guy who didn't make me feel like the prize I am... not saying I'm someone's prize but.. whatever you know what I mean.

Well I moved forward, I'll pat my own back and say I'm a good mom, I'm a good friend and I'm overall a good person.

Even if my mom has "changed" and is now this weird bible thumper that did a total 180 in a few months... I still can't talk to her. I don't want to talk to her. Call it pent up anger or resent, I'm fine with that. I just don't want her in my life or Rachel's.


It's not called life experience for nothing

The way I delt with it is without pills or councilors, I just got up and did it all myself. I got a job, got out of the relationship, got some better friends, got on AMHD and let it all out and made friends here too-- I got all the support I need...

I was abused as a child, as a teen and as an adult. All by different people in different stages of life.

The sexual abuse has made a huge impact on my relationships with others, male and female. Made me sexually curious and active at a very young age, exposing me to the wrong types of people who continued to sexually abuse well into my later teens and early adult hood.

The emotional abuse I suffered put a huge drain on myself esteem which left me vulnerable to those wanting to take advantage of my situation. Again I ended in relationships that would make anyone's blood curdle. But I honestly thought I didn't deserve any better. I truly believed I wasn't worth saving, wasn't worth being treated like a human. A day did not pass that I wasn't reminded of that in one way or another.

Like Muddy, I fell hard and fast into all the wrong types of relationships. I became a mother at a young age, and only then did I see myself worth. It was looking back at me from
The most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen.

To this day I still have issues with sex and relationships. I still have issues with friends. I am still all too trusting. I don't have any coping skills beside taking one day at a time. I try to look at what I have learned as well... learning lessons, I try to look at my past and tell myself it made me who I am today. Some days doing that is easier than others.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by QLP

Because I don't want you left dangling out on that limb that you have bravely gone out on I'm going to reply right away.

I was physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused as a child. I came from a very dysfunctional family with a schizophrenic mother and alcholic father.

As to how it has affected me in life I will need to give some thought to this before I can answer properly.

One thing I will say though is that although there were many negative effects there were also some positive ones.

I feel it has given me a lot of compassion and made me determined to forge the best possible relationships with my own children that I could, and think I have done a reasonable job with that.

It is probably the underlying reason I came to and come to this site. Sometimes the shadow it casts emerge in day to day problems and I need to ask for help. Sometimes the positive legacy motives me to reach out and try and help others. I imagine there are quite a few people on here, yourself included, that are similarly motivated after surviving difficult experiences themselves in life, of one sort or another.

I too have come a long way in coming to terms with negative emotions like anger, and in my case shame as well. I agree fear can be the hardest to conquer. I was abused in various ways by several different people and one of them I do still fear. Having said that, I met this person recently and he is still an out and out bullly who obviously gets a lot of satisfaction from other people's pain, and incidently is much bigger and stronger than me physically even now I am an adult. So maybe being scared of him and prefering to avoid him is actually a reasonable response.

I'm not sure what else to say at this point but will give it some thought. I would be interested in what else you have to say if you want to share any more thoughts and you can be assured I will never judge you badly for whatever you suffered and how you have reacted to it. Should I even have to say that? No. But that's the legacy of feeling shame for something you weren't responsible for, there's always that awareness that the victim can somehow feel tainted by their experience.

<<HUGS>>

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For many years, I've lived with the self-imposed pressure and guilt, that if I succeeded at doing anything, I was afraid of this person getting jealous and taking out the wrath on me!

However, I did succeed a number of times... I also got the wrath!

I've tried to get along with the person many times so that we could have a united family. Doing so though, has never worked.

We've gone our separate ways now...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper1976

Meditation and prayer and having a very close relationship with God helped through all situations and helped with healing. Bringing it up though is not thought of and moving forward away from all the guilt and pain is important.

Joe

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I hope that I'm not misunderstanding you, Joe, but are you saying not to bring up the hurts of the past? What if healing still needs to take place? Also, shouldn't we all face the "demons" or maybe "demonic" things that have happened to us so that we can heal and continue to grow?

I will also need to put my thoughts together for a better response but in brief... I have slammed the doors in my heart and mind about all the childhood things that have happened to me and there were plenty. Although a therapist once told me that I need to open each of those doors... no thank you. I have dealt with most of them and was fortunate that I had a mother that encouraged me and was my strength during those tragic times... I learned lessons that were basically not to be like the person that caused all this. And hopefully became a better husband and father to my children and now to my grandkids.

Later some more...

For me it is very hard to bring up and talk about. For me living in the past is a waste of time. I have spent many years in many different stages of emotions and guilt and etc from what I have experienced. You know what though, bringing it up over and over again is not going to help the healing. Dealing with it, in my own way has helped. Just because I prefer not to talk about it, or dwell on it does not mean that I have not healed from it. I am not living in the past but in the present. I will be damned if I am going to let the past run my life now.

I honestly do not feel like any amount of counseling or talking or bringing up the past all the time is going to make the healing process any faster or even create the healing atmosphere. In my on experience and opinion. No matter what those marks will always be part of me.

I am growing through being happy. I am growing through being a husband, I am growing through being a Good father. I am growing and have grown through all my experiences. There is not much more then to do, except take the positive out of the experiences that made me a better person today and run with it.

Nothing else matters, except for today. Nothing else matters except for my Precious wife and precious son and living a life to the fullest.

We are kin in this Joe, I completely understand.

Stringer

I was so angry and at times violent because of the abuse, that I had to seek out professional help. There was no one, not myelf, friends or relatives who could help me.

My dear Clough. I have a few things to say, and then I’ll share my story.

First, I want to tell you how brave you are for telling us the things of your past and your present. It takes a lot of courage to admit to past abuse and to admit to a problem with alcohol. I admire your courage, and I admire you.

Second, I want to apologize for my temper tantrum not that long ago. I consider you a friend; I hope you still consider me the same way.

Now for my story.

I’ve posted this before. Posting it the first time was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I want to state one thing. My parents never hurt me. My parents were the best parents anyone could have ever asked for. I was blessed. They were the kindest most wonderful people I’ve ever known. Only the good die young and they did. I had 30 years of wonderful with them and had I ever told them what I went through I know they would have stood by me all the way. Actually, my dad would have died in prison because he would have gone after the people that hurt me. They were the best .

When I was 5 years old I was sexually molested by my cousin. She was my babysitter (yes, she) and a teen at the time. She emotionally and physically scarred me for the rest of my life. The molestation went on for years and I never told anyone, not my parents, not other family, not friends.

I lived with this and tucked it away. I put little 5-year-old Alty in a closet and shut the door, or so I thought. I fooled myself. It didn’t work.

Because of the molestation I didn’t really give a darn about myself. My body was a tool, it was something I used, not something I appreciated or respected. I gave myself to any guy that wanted me. Sadly there were a lot of guys that did. I didn’t have respect for myself. I didn’t care.

When I was 18 I was raped. The guy was a friend of an ex-boyfriend. He raped me in my home. In my bed. He beat me and then he left. I made excuses for the bruises, claimed clumsiness and left it at that. I was believed and this too was put away.

After that I became even more promiscuous, if that’s even possible. I thought it was better to give it away then have it taken from me. I didn’t believe that I had a right to turn anyone down. I didn’t care about myself or my body. My spirit, my soul, it was dead. I hid it well.

Because I wasn’t choosy, there were guys that weren’t the pick of the litter. Guys that would beat me, would do whatever they wanted. I have the scars as a reminder; those scars are now a badge, because I survived.

When I was 19 I met a guy. He wasn’t like the others. I would have willingly had sex with him, because I really didn’t care. He didn’t want to. We went out, had fun, played pool, and went to movies. He was so nice. I couldn’t deal with that. He had to go. No matter how many times I pushed him away, he kept coming back. He wouldn’t back off. Boy was he annoying. ;)

The first time we had sex I cried. I couldn’t stop. He held me, asked me what was wrong, I couldn’t’ tell him. I left. I married that guy. I’m still married to him. He’s the first one I told about everything. He didn’t judge, he didn’t back away, he didn’t cringe and he didn’t hate me. He held me, he loved me, and he accepted me. He’s my hero. We’ve been together for 20 years.

When my daughter turned 5, it all came crashing down. I looked at that sweet child, that innocent child, that child with a future of possibilities ahead of her, and I saw five year old me. I saw the child I was for the first time ever. I let that child out of the closet I’d been keeping her in and for the first time I told my story, I let her have a voice. It was terrifying. I did it here on AMHD and the responses I got, the support I got, it wasn’t what I was expecting. I really thought I’d be shunned. I wasn’t. I was told that I’m a hero. I was told that I’m brave. I was told that I’m an inspiration. I’m not, I’m just a survivor.

I am who I am because of my past. That’s something I’ve finally accepted. Every thing I’ve gone through has lead me to where I am, a wonderful husband, two beautiful, healthy, happy kids, animals everywhere, and a life I never thought I’d have. I am blessed. Change one thing and I may not be here. I wouldn’t change anything.

Yes, I have scars, both physical and emotional. I’ll never forget the past, but I can live with it because I am alive. Every part of me is made up of every experience I’ve had. I like me. I’m happy with who I am, what I am, the person I am. I’m a good person, a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter, and a good human being. Who can ask for more then that?

You asked how people deal with their past. You let it be a part of who you are now. You accept who you are, what you were, and let both live in harmony. Never forget, just accept. Your past doesn’t define you, the future is what we covet, what we strive for. The future isn’t set and the past is just that, the past. Merge who you were and who you are and you’ll find a way to see the path to the future.

That’s it. Hugs Clough.

Hey clough!
I will till you my experience. Being a young boy born in the Philippines abuse was nothing new. I was abuse physically and emotionally for as long as I can remember. I remember one time when I was about 5 maybe 6 years of age, I was riding my bicycle and the motorcycle almost hit me. Being a kid that scared the s*$ out of me, I stopped by the barber shop and watch them cut other peoples hair, I guess someone had told my dad that I almost got hit by a motorcycle,cause I saw him coming for me and instead saying are you OK son, he hit me with a belt drag me from my ears and hair across town where people could see, got in the house, abused me some more, put me in the room and locked me in for 1 whole week. I was like a prisoner, my mom would open the door to give me food and lock it, without saying any words.
I have many siblings and all were very bright. Come home with good grades and always gets an award on everything they do. Me being as I am, never makes good grades, never got an award. I would over hear my parents and sibling talking, comparing me to a retarded child, saying theirs no difference, I would cry in bed as I hear them laugh and eat in the dinner table. They always call me stupid and I could never become anything even if I try hard.
At the age of 8 we moved to the US, so my parents can give us a better future, we moved in with my cozens and my grandparents that I have never met. Things were better so I thought it did.
One night I was walking down the hall, I saw my grandpa and I said hi, he looked at me slapped me got his belt and started hitting me, I had realized that my cozens blamed me for the things they did, so I got punished many times for the mistakes they made. I never said a things that's just how we were raised, never talk back when you are being hit, if you do they will do it longer.
The abused, emotionally and physically from my dad, mom, and grandpa had became like a daily routine. I got used to it and thought I really did deserve it and that I was such a bad child.
Middle school finally came and I was very excited, I had met a person that I looked up to as a mentor and someone I can talk to. A few months later he sexually abused me and had convinced me that it was OK for him to do that. For many years I let him do it to me and said no words to anyone till this day on.
The abused from the house got so bad, not just from my parents but from all my brothers older and younger. I finally made up my mind to run away. So I did and moved in with my sister and her boyfriends house. I was happy and thought that my life would finally get better, I was wrong, for 3 years I was being treated like a slave. I can only go to school, after school I have to go to their karate studio, teach karate, go home, eat, clean the whole house, by the time everything was done it was about 1 and I can finally start doing my homework and study. They made me drop out school when I only had a few months left to graduate.The reason for it is because they don't want to drop me off any longer.
When I turned 19 My sisters boyfriend decided to sell his karate studio to me, I just bought a condo with my friend in Utah and I sold that and bought the karate studio.
I was wrong he scammed me in every way. I lost a lot of money from that mistake I made.
I don't remember ever having a teenage life, I was so busy being someone's servant that I lost myself for many years. I go day by day like a robot doing things that people would make me do.
But I can honestly say with everything that happened, it made me become the person I am. Yes I do have problem facing and dealing with issues and confronting people. I am doing my best to fix my weakness and focus on my future. As you know I just opened a business with my best friend and my whole family see it as a failure but who are they to judge. The more they say it the more motivation they give me. The abuse, I will always have as a memory but that's all they will be a memory. I will make a better memory and prove everyone that had ever doubt me and show them that I can make something of myself.
From this day on I still can't talk to my dad, not even a sentence, my parents are different now, I guess they are now older and were all older. I love them to death, but I can't be like my friends and have a conversation with my father. I am still from this day scared of him, but I love him to death.
Being sexually abused, had damage me a lot, but I had put that away and accepted the fact that I can't change the past and I can only fix my future. I don't think about it at all. Im gladi had GOD in my life when I was going through all that. I had more bad experience but I think this is good enough.
Just be positive about yourself and trust in the LORD, God is my only counselor!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Showme_urmove

hey clough!
i will till you my experience. Being a young boy born in the Philippines abuse was nothing new. I was abuse physically and emotionally for as long as i can remember. I remember one time when i was bout 5 maybe 6 years of age, i was riding my bicycle and the motorcycle almost hit me. Being a kid that scared the s*$ out of me, i stopped by the barber shop and watch them cut other peoples hair, i guess someone had told my dad that i almost got hit by a motorcycle,cause i saw him coming for me and instead saying are you ok son, he hit me with a belt drag me from my ears and hair across town where people could see, got in the house, abused me some more, put me in the room and locked me in for 1 whole week. I was like a prisoner, my mom would open the door to give me food and lock it, without saying any words.
i have many siblings and all were very bright. Come home with good grades and always gets an award on everything they do. Me being as i am, never makes good grades, never got an award. i would over hear my parents and sibling talking, comparing me to a retarded child, saying theirs no difference, i would cry in bed as i hear them laugh and eat in the dinner table. they always call me stupid and i could never become anything even if i try hard.
at the age of 8 we moved to the US, so my parents can give us a better future, we moved in with my cozens and my grandparents that i have never met. things were better so i thought it did.
One night i was walking down the hall, i saw my grandpa and i said hi, he looked at me slapped me got his belt and started hitting me, I had realized that my cozens blamed me for the things they did, so i got punished many times for the mistakes they made. I never said a things thats just how we were raised, never talk back when you are being hit, if you do they will do it longer.
the abused, emotionally and physically from my dad, mom, and grandpa had became like a daily routine. I got used to it and thought i really did deserve it and that i was such a bad child.
Middle school finally came and i was very excited, i had met a person that i looked up to as a mentor and someone i can talk to. A few months later he sexually abused me and had convinced me that it was ok for him to do that. for many years i let him do it to me and said no words to anyone till this day on.
The abused from the house got so bad, not just from my parents but from all my brothers older and younger. I finally made up my mind to run away. So i did and moved in with my sister and her boyfriends house. I was happy and thought that my life would finally get better, I was wrong, for 3 years i was being treated like a slave. I can only go to school, after school i have to go to their karate studio, teach karate, go home, eat, clean the whole house, by the time everything was done it was about 1 and i can finally start doing my homework and study. They made me drop out school when i only had a few months left to graduate.The reason for it is because they dont want to drop me off any longer.
When i turned 19 My sisters boyfriend decided to sell his karate studio to me, I just bought a condo with my friend in Utah and i sold that and bought the karate studio.
I was wrong he scammed me in every way. I lost alot of money from that mistake i made.
I dont remember ever having a teenage life, i was so busy being someones servant that i lost myself for many years. I go day by day like a robot doing things that people would make me do.
But i can honestly say with everything that happened, it made me become the person i am. Yes i do have problem facing and dealing with issues and confronting people. I am doing my best to fix my weakness and focus on my future. as you know i just opened a business with my best friend and my whole family see it as a failure but who are they to judge. The more they say it the more motivation they give me. The abuse, i will always have as a memory but thats all they will be a memory. I will make a better memory and prove everyone that had ever doubt me and show them that I can make something of myself.
From this day on i still can't talk to my dad, not even a sentence, my parents are different now, i guess they are now older and were all older. I love them to death, but i can't be like my friends and have a conversation with my father. I am still from this day scared of him, but i love him to death.
being sexually abused, had damage me alot, but i had put that away and accepted the fact that i can't change the past and i can only fix my future. I dont think about it at all. Im gladi had GOD in my life when i was going through all that. I had more bad experience but i think this is good enough.
Just be positive about yourself and trust in the LORD, God is my only counselor!

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Just wanted to say a few things. I know your story that you shared will hopefully help other people in the same situation or people have experienced similar situations in their life. You are becoming a stronger person because of all your experiences and you have had God, as your only counselor which I personally feel is important and what has helped me through out my life as well. Like you too, I could probably write a whole book about my life growing up but shared what I needed to share and I also felt like I did not have a happy child hood or teenage years. I am happy to know that you have worked through your past, and trying to make a happy bright future for yourself.

I am so moved by all your stories and your bravery in sharing them. It makes me feel like I'm part of a band of survivors, battered but not beaten, who have all struggled hard but are still standing, often stronger for it, and who have the compassion to reach out to others. Time is short right now but I will come back to your question Clough soon. Hugs to all. Xxx

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper1976

I have spent many years in many different stages of emotions and guilt and etc from what I have experienced. You know what though, bringing it up over and over again is not going to help the healing. Dealing with it, in my own way has helped. Just because I prefer not to talk about it, or dwell on it does not mean that I have not healed from it. I am not living in the past but in the present. I will be damned if I am going to let the past run my life now.

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Reached me in more ways than one.

Thanks for sharing this.

I have been thinking some more about this but it seems like a huge subject the more I think, so I will have to tackle it in chunks.

The first thing I will tackle is probably the most straightforward and that was the abuse by my mum.

She used to shout and scream at me, tell me she hated me, beat me, throw me down the stairs, and lock me out of the house from early morning until my dad rolled out of the pub about midnight. I was often under-fed and was diagnosed with some malnutirition problems at school. I didn't often have clean clothes.

She had some strange hang-ups about sex and once wrote to my school telling them I was a whore and they should watch me constantly because of this. (at that time I had no sexual experience at all it was just in her mind).

Nobody ever explained to me that she was mentally ill, I only discovered she was a schizophrenic when I found myself taking care of her and liasing with the health professionals when I was 16 and my father had left us.

I remember her being put in a straight jacket and forcibly removed from the house, but I had no idea what was going on. When taken to visit her I didn't understand that the place she was staying was a hospital, as we were taken to a sort of communal sitting area with a pool table in it, not a place with beds and nurses. I found all this bewildering as a child. The people there (the other patients as I now understand) seemed strange and scary.

So the results:

I became a very obedient child as I was too scared to do anything wrong. As an adult I found it hard to say no to any requests or speak up for myself for a long time, I'm still not what you would call argumentative but I can make myself stand my ground when I need to.

I loved school, it was my safe haven. I was a good student and got some good exam results. I still enjoy learning new things.

I wasn't very good at making friends. I was the dirty scruffy kid with the weirdo mum who wrote strange letters to the school. I wasn't allowed to see friends outside school hours either so that didn't help. Making friends is something that I have had to learn very slowly and I'm probably still not as good at it as many people but I value the friends I have and try to be a good friend to them.

I had a massive fear of insanity. Both of developing it (since I found out schizophrenia can be hereditary) and of being around sufferers. When I had my children I was really scared in case they got it. It is not as bad now but there is still a slight anxiety about it. I have a lot of understanding of people who do suffer from mental illness and little patience for people who stigmatise it or make bad jokes about 'nutters'.

It made me determined to be the best mother I could possibly be and I'm proud of how well I managed to do. I love children and have enjoyed working with them at times, and have a massive concern for them. My expectations of parents are high and I have to guard against being judegmental because I usually see things through the eyes of the child.

The sex thing is complicated further by the sexual abuse by another person, so I'll save that for another chunk.

As well as being locked out of the house I found myself being sent to different places to live as a child, relatives, even neighbours on occasion. I wasn't wanted there and there was more abuse. This has given me a real fear of homelessness. I'm not sure I will ever lose that. It motivated me to get a modest house and pay off the mortgage as quickly as possible to try and always ensure we have a roof over our heads. My children are young adults now. One had flown the nest and the other only lives here part of the time. I have always, and always will, make sure they know that this is their home whenever they need it. I never want them to feel the way I have.

I still have some physical scars. Sometimes they make me feel less attractive. Sometimes I see them as badges of honour, since I survived.

I had a lot of anger towards my mum until I fully understood and accepted her illness. Now I feel terribly sorry for her. She must have had a terrible life. This is why I think this is the most straightforwards thing since I can blame the illness rather than the person. I do sort of miss having a mum though, since she could never fill that role. I just feel a little bit lonely sometimes when other people are talking about their families.

Well that's the first chunk, I'll be back later, but try not to write a whole book lol.

Looks like we all have books to write.