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he tells me that he loves me and that I satisfy him sexually but I continue to find porn on the computer history and when I bring it up he just lies and says the computer had a virus... but today I found some on the other computer and he couldny=t lie so he told me he watched because he felt like it but still denys the other times... should I drop it? Or should I tell him that I'm not mad just makes me feel like I'm not enough for him
First thing is open communication. You should both be able to tell each other how you feel and listen to how the other person feels. If you don't make a big deal about it, then he probably will be okay with sharing instead of hiding it.
Have you said anything negative about porn (and probably masturbation) which might have given him the thought that hiding and lying about it was preferable to being honest? Could it be a hold over from a previous relationship?
Second, most people who look at porn do so because they are visually stimulated. It means as much to them as reading a romance or erotica is to other people.
If you don't have a personal problem with viewing porn, then you might try looking at it with him. It is a way to get ideas and to think about what might be a turn on. It can be a great conversation starter on what different things to try.
To be honest, virtually all men watch porn. It's just a fact of life. If they try to deny or hide it from you, then what else are they hiding? Porn has nothing to do with their relationship with you.
I think it's important that you tell him how you feel. Just so that he understands, but perhaps you also need to understand him a bit better.
Porn is like science fiction. It's a fantasy world full of larger than life characters (in every sense) that live in a parallel universe to ourselves. It can be very addictive to live in this fantasy world because it stimulates the body and the senses.
Porn is also very accessible and most guys - excluding the Dalai Lama, I would imagine - would have downloaded or looked at porn at some point on the internet.
The thing is - it's not real. You ARE real - a living, breathing, sexual woman that is his partner. He says he enjoys sex with you, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want additional visual stimulation. Some guys do.
It doesn't mean that you're not enough - it just means that he sometimes wants something different. Have a look yourself, you might like it.
Remember, you're the one in his bed.
I don't believe that virtually all men watch porn for one. I stopped watching it for a long while. I only use porn when need be as a release when love making isn't an option or isn't happening.
Secondly, some men do have to please themselves at times. It is just something we got to do. Its healthy and it feels really good.
Porn itself releases endorfins that relax out mind and stimulates our bodies. It allows us to fully concentrate on a world that is not our own and see our fantasies come to life without doing it ourselves. There is no pressure in asking your lover to do something that she probably doesn't want to do when you can watch another woman do it.
Just because he enjoys looking at another woman's body doesn't mean that he does not love you. I can understand why this causes such issues in many relationships, the only reason I do not watch porn or masterbate anymore is simply because my fiancé is super uncomfortable with it. It isn't dirty or anything like that.
One thing you could do however to get him to stop watching other women is to video yourself and make it pop up in front of his face at just the right time. I guarantee this will get his goat. (make darn sure you know where that tape is at all times, you do not want kids or even anyone else getting ahold of it.)
If that is not enough for you, you can talk to him about it in a very calm and understanding voice. You can tell him that you do not like it and you would like him to stop if he can. Here is where you must respect him though, if he cannot or will not stop, that is something you're going to have to deal with. I hate to say it but since it is not like a drug habit or smoking, there is not real health issue behind your argument. This is something he is going to have to choose to stop doing for you, because of you, and for the relationship. That is to say if he finds that it will help things. (hint, let him know it would help you feel better about yourself).
I also want to add that sex itself is a very big mental process. You have to be in to it and since men are very visually oriented we see our fantacies come to life while we are making love a lot. If we have seen it happen in detail we can imagine that this is what we are doing. Its fun. And its not that most of us are invisioning the other woman during sex, we are invisioning the other woman as our partner (meaning that you take her place in the fantacy) and that you are doing what we saw them doing.
Harder to explane than the process itself.
Personally I say if he doesn't want to quit doing it, you should leave him alone. Be glad he is not masterbating 24/7. I know of guys that do it 6 to 7 times a day. I don't know how that is possible, and I don't know how that does not hurt them, but that's what they have said. So once a day or a couple times a week isn't really that big of a deal in my opinion.
I would say that having him home and just looking at porn, is better then him going out and actually having a physical, sexual affair with somebody else.
You're his partner and your together. He is at home with you.
Etc Etc Etc...
The "I'm not mad it just makes me feel inadequate" approach may be your best option in opening the discussion. In our prudish Western society there is a tremendous guilt load about masturbation, so bringing the topic up requires a very delicate touch. From there you have the option of discussing fantasies, which can be a great deal of fun, or analyzing his need for visual stimulation, which may bring you to a deeper understanding.
One note of caution, do not assume that every time he opens a porn window he's only using one hand. Sometimes guys just look.
Guys LIKE to see naked bodies... we always have, we always will. It has nothing to do with you, Don't pretend it is. Push him and he WILL leave...
Porn to men is EXACTLY what Soap operas and Romance novels are to women. Don't make it personal... do learn he will have his diversions. And as they go... this is a very benign one.
Try not to see porn as direct competition to yourself. You say it makes you worry that you aren't enough for him, but nobody is everything to anyone else. We all need our own space and our own stuff.
As a woman I must admit I don't actually get what men find so fascinating about it, but then the same applies to sports, cars, and a whole load of stuff men are into.
I like sex, but I also like reading, chocolate, girly chats, masturbating, gardening, cooking, good food, holidays, the countryside...
Ie masturbation and porn are just pleasures that people enjoy like anything else. Granted they exclude the partner but so does reading a good book.
If masturbation and porn become excessive so that they replace sex in a relaionship then yes there is a problem. But the same would be true if someone spent all their time playing computer games, playing golf, sat reading in the corner, or anything else that shuts their partner out. View it like any other pass-time, as long as it doesn't intrude excessively in the relationship don't worry.
Of course some people have reservations about porn for moral, religious, or other such reasons, and then it can be more difficult for a couple to work out what is acceptable, but I don't get the impression that is your worry.
The lying would bother me though. So work on honest communication and let him know that lying does undermine the relationship.
Hello,
Is it really that bad that he looks at porn?
What I mean, is that he could be doing something worse.
I am a woman, and I like watching/looking at pron, of men and women, with my boyfriend. It adds spice to our sex life, plus it's hot!
Would you ever consider watching it with him? You might like it...
These are your feelings though, so if it bothers you that much, then talking to him about it, is the best way to go.
My take is, computer porn simply replaces (for the most part I think), paying to buy porn magazines and rent porn video's. No more going behind the curtain to pick out a good porn movie. Plus you save money, and don't have to even make the effort to go outside your home when it's on the computer.
I don't like artificial anything, including simulated sex acts, but that's just me. My husband brought home a porn movie once (old fashioned VCR tape), and after five seconds it was in the garbage can. Again, that's just me. My intelligence was insulted in so many ways...
IF it is 'just' porn he's into, and it is otherwise not affecting your intimacy with him, and he's not making sexual demands that he sees Debbie Does Dallas do, then let him have his fun. If it goes no further than porn on his computer screen, no big deal.
If however, it involves him joining websites, interractive video porn, chat rooms, and dating sites, I'd be putting my foot down, or up, as the case may be.
Ask him to show you what he is doing, and the websites he visits. Tell him why, and that you'd be more comfortable with his little hobby if you were sure he wasn't interracting sexually in other ways, with other women.
I think that is what I would do, and it's just my opinion of course.
But, like I said, if all systems are otherwise healthy, let him have his fun.
I believe porn can lead to adultry. Also there is a book called, "when good men are tempted" which explains more about porn and the effects it can have on marriages the mind and intimate relationships. Also 99% of child predators are hardcore porn addicts. This is an epidemic and if a man or woman allows themselves to be conditioned to watch it long enough then the relationship their in may become not enough sexually because they have pushed the envolope a little to far. This may not be the case for all men but it is an open door that can lead into more immorality like acting out on those fantasies. The mind is a very powerful tool and there are things we shouldn't allow ourselves to be sucked into and doors that should NOT be opened.
And I suppose masturbation causes you to go blind and grow hair on your palms as well?Quote:
Originally Posted by momomow33
What crap... sorry, but that's what it is... Guys like it or not are visual... always have been and always will be. We like to see flesh... in fact, there is no evidence what you stated has any basis in scientifically proven fact.
Porn is safe... it doesn't lead to anything but calouses... you can't get aids from it... it doesn't give you herpes or any other STD. And in fact its impossible to have adultry with a picture or movie.
99% of CHild molestors are hard core porn addicts? Please... what dark and damp body cavity did you pull that statistic from?
Child molesters are child molestors because they are sexually attracted to children... not because they viewed lots of totally unrelated porn.
Let me tell you... I've been married for 19 years... and while porn hasn't given me a single thought of committing adultry... having to live with a women that took that sort of attitude WOULD most definitely drive me to adultry. Because I would have a hard time being sexually intimate with that sort of prude.
Thank good I was smart enough in my younger years to distance myself from any such women I happened to stumble into dating... and there were a couple. And my wife ISN'T that sort of prude... even if she didn't sleep around, and I'm thankful she isn't.
Incidentally... I never got hairy Palms... or went blind... while my eyes aren't perfect... I was wearing glasses since before I knew what fun I could have with my little buddy or ever saw a nude photo..
I'm sorry, but I have to put my two sense in here...Quote:
Originally Posted by momomow33
Honey? Where are you getting your information from?
Just because MEN watch porn, does't mean that they will cheat on their partner.
Does your little theory also include women? So if I watch porn, I'm going to cheat, or be tempted to cheat?
I think not.
I think you are way off base here. Yes, some women feel threatened in a relationship if there partner is watching porn. They think, "Why can't I look like them?" "Is that what you want?" Do I not satisfy you enough?"
Also, just want to point out that this was posted months ago. So please check the dates before responding.
Thank you.
Thread CLOSED.
The person that resurrected this is welcome to start their OWN post about this, but this thread is CLOSED.
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