My mom has been screwed over by people, got laid off and she has no money now. Throughout my life I have been considering suicide and it is on my mind once again, I can't see any other way. My thought is that I can leave a note explaining my reasoning and kill myself, I have done the research so I am pretty confident. My reasoning would be that my mom could sell all my stuff so she could have money to live in house for a little longer. I love her and I want to do what I can for her and get her money but I am losing money helping her pay the bills. I would die or live for her but right now the only way I can think to help her live a decent life is to die. I will lose my job soon because my boss who recently bought the location where I work can't afford it for much longer.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to have to resort to suicide, I know I need help and I am asking for it so please talk to me!

Have you or your mom checked into the various township, county, and local resources available to people who have lost their jobs or are barely making it?

I'm sure there is another way through this. How long have you been considering suicide?

Wondergirl: My mom has been researching ways to live on food stamps.

DrBill: I have considered it off and on throughout my life during times of depressing but now I consider it out of desperation. I want my mom to live in the nice place we live in and I don't know she can do that even with the food stamps and the help. I have also considered leaving with just my money in coin and paper, going out into the world try and start from scratch with a new life and one day be able to send her money from my new life but that would take too long.

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Originally Posted by Vabbi

My mom has been screwed over by people, got layed off and she has no money now. Throughout my life I have been considering suicide and it is on my mind once again, I can't see any other way. My thought is that I can leave a note explaining my reasoning and kill myself, I have done the research so I am pretty confident. My reasoning would be that my mom could sell all my stuff so she could have money to live in house for a little longer. I love her and I want to do what I can for her and get her money but I am losing money helping her pay the bills. I would die or live for her but right now the only way I can think to help her live a decent life is to die. I will lose my job soon because my boss who recently bought the location where I work can't afford it for much longer.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to have to resort to suicide, I know I need help and I am asking for it so please talk to me!

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Does your mom love you? I'm sure she does. I don't even really need to ask that question.

So, what do you think she'll go through if you commit suicide? Do you really think that her thought process will be "Oh good, I can sell her stuff and survive" or will it be "I can't believe she did this, my life is now devastated even more". I'm betting it's the latter.

My Uncle killed himself. His teen daughter is the one that found him. To this day, over 25 years later, she still hasn't forgiven him. His selfishness turned their lives upside down forever.

Suicide is forever. Your problems, no matter how big, can be dealt with, can be solved, they aren't forever. Work with your mom, find a solution, get into therapy, find a way out of this situation that doesn't include killing yourself.

I know that depression has a way of taking a hold of you. It feels that there's no way out, that you're at the end of your rope and you have no strength to continue holding on. Depression sucks, but there are solutions, there are ways to get over this, to move forward.

You've taken the first step. You reached out, asked for help. Well now you have to take the next step and that's getting the help. You need to see your doctor, talk about possibly going on anti-depressants, seeing a therapist. You need to talk to your mom about this, find a way to work together, to help each other. You can do it. You had the strength to post here, so you have the strength to get help.

We're here if you want to talk, but you really need more help then we can offer over the internet. See your doctor, take that first step. We're here to help you do it. :)

Altenweg: I thank you for your advice. What stops me from talking to my mom or a doctor about this is fear. I know that my family will probably find out about this and I don't want them to or my mom, I don't want her to know I am this way, I want her to think I am as happy as I can be and I am strong enough to not have ever thought of this. I will try to find a doctor online to help me, I want to keep this as private as possible so hopefully it can be fixed like it never happened and no one I don't want to know will know about it.

Clearly you are facing an economic crisis and your idea of self-sacrifice to benefit your mother is undoubtedly well intended but not well thought out. As Altenweg noted, suicide has enduring emotional consequences for surviving relatives. Your mother, in this instance, would probably blame herself for your death. I'm sure that isn't what you desire.

Vabbi, here is a direct and available resource. This is a confidential resource that no one but you will know about They are here to meet the specific need you are confronting. If you will just call this number they can get you the immediate support you need. 1-800-273-8255.

I assure the service is confidential, free and highly skilled.

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Originally Posted by Vabbi

Altenweg: I thank you for your advice. What stops me from talking to my mom or a doctor about this is fear. I know that my family will probably find out about this and I don't want them to or my mom, I don't want her to know I am this way, I want her to think I am as happy as I can be and I am strong enough to not have ever thought of this. I will try to find a doctor online to help me, I want to keep this as private as possible so hopefully it can be fixed like it never happened and no one I don't want to know will know about it.

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What are you afraid of? There's nothing wrong with admitting that you need help. There's nothing wrong with telling someone that loves you that you're not as strong as you've portrayed. I've been there, done that. I got help and I'm certainly glad I did.

I'm a mom, I have two beautiful children that are my life. If they ever needed me, no matter how much was going on in my own life, I would hope that they would come to me. That's what mothers are for, support, unconditional love, a shoulder to lean on. I'm sure your mom needs a shoulder right now too, and I doubt that you're hiding this as well as you think you are. Really, talk to her, she can help you through this. You can help each other.

We're here if you want to talk, to vent, whatever you want to say or talk about, but you really do need additional help. We're not doctors, we're not therapists and we're not your mom. Those are the things that will really help you get through this. I'm speaking from experience here.

Whatever you do, promise me one thing. Whenever you feel like giving up, come here, talk about it. The people on this site are great. We'll do our best to help you through this as much as we can.

Is there something you really enjoy doing? Something that brings a smile to your face, makes you feel good? If so, what is it? When was the last time you did it? Can you do it today?

Make plans for the future, see yourself getting out of this rut. There's hope out there, you just have to find it. I know you can. In fact, I dare you to. :)

DrBill: No it is not my intention, part of my thinking was that I might be able to relieve her of any possible thoughts of it being her fault in my letter, be as clear on my position as possible.

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Originally Posted by Vabbi

DrBill: No it is not my intention, part of my thinking was that I might be able to relieve her of any possible thoughts of it being her fault in my letter, be as clear on my position as possible.

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Sweetie, it wouldn't matter what you wrote, she'd still be devastated, it would be the end for her. My heart breaks just at the thought of what she would go through if you did this. I think of my own kids and I can tell you, I wouldn't want to live if one of them died, it would be even worse if one of them took their own life. It's a pain that would never go away, ever.

Can I ask how old you are? I'm also guessing that you're female, am I right?

Your age might have something to do with this mood, maybe,maybe not,,

You mentioned family,are there more than just you and your mother?
Imagine their feelings without you in their lives.

I understand depression,I can empathize with the feelings of desperation, the want to be through the pains.The few things that helped me through depressions were writing in here(AMHD),calling friends who don't just blow me off when I am in need,and I call my support.

I have a great doctor,an adequate therapist,close friends,etc,, but I didn't always have them,it took time to make this group(and for most of my life I have suffered with depression or bipolar episodes)

Wherever you are you should be able to find help for yourself, you can't stop your mothers suffering if you aren't there,you can't end her suffering if you can't help yourself.If you want to be the strong person you think she 'expects' you to be,you have to try to get help, and not just online,, I believe in face to face therapy,doctoring,etc.

If you would like,I can look for a center for you to look into for therapy,if you are too young or have money issues, there are free clinics in many cities,maybe there is one near you.They are discrete and will not tell others about your therapy, only you allowing them to can they do that.Have no fears, therapy isn't a fearful thing,it brings peace to the chaos.

Let us know how you are and let me know if I can help you further.

Ken

Altenweg: I do the things that make me happy to get my mind off things even though it dosen't last I try. I could say that I would talk to my mom but I know I won't, never have been able to talk to her about things like this. I have been encouraged to write diarys or journals but I never do because I don't want them to be read even if they help keep memories, I am afraid my mom would find out about this through them.
I'd rather just try my luck with seeing a doctor in a way that would not raise any suspicion that I have gone anywhere that I usually don't go. Maybe I will say I am going to the movies or mall with my friends when I do so if I have to find a doctor not on the internet.

KBC: I would need to find a free clinic in my area I highly doubt I'd have enough for one session.

Altenwig: I am female and 18 years of age, unlike most I am not one to travel far because of my fear of cars. I can drive my limit of school, work, and the grocerie store but beyond that I am working on it. I have been in enough car accidents that it has bothered me but I am working on getting over it.

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Originally Posted by Vabbi

DrBill: No it is not my intention, part of my thinking was that I might be able to relieve her of any possible thoughts of it being her fault in my letter, be as clear on my position as possible.

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Vabbi you are attempting to intermix logic and love. That doesn't work. The lingering and devastating artifact of suicide is always guilt on the part of a surviving loved one. "I could have done something to prevent this". If you take a little time to think through that element of your plan, my statement is self evident.

We're discussing here the most drastic and final solution to a problem that doesn't call for such a drastic action. I understand that you are desperate at this minute. That you see your situation as hopeless and feel that you are helpless to change it. But it is not and you are not.

If I could get you to contact the number I provided above, that should get you over the hump and put us in a position to begin a realistic search for alternatives. Will you contact the number? You have nothing to lose as compared to your current plans.

DrBill: I am not comfortable with talking on the phone, I am taking baby steps with this. I will make note of the number and when I feel comfortable I will call but I don't want talk like that, I feel I can better communicate by typing at this point.

Fair enough. That solves that point and you're getting some good input here. How are you feeling about that?

I feel much better now about the whole thing, still scared and I guess unsure but I think I can nip this. I think what really gets me is my mom's emotions and stress rubbing off on me and the fact that I'm 18 oh crap the real world, being pushed in it. So much uncertainty makes me feel like a powerless ant and people are looking at me to do something and I can't, I don't know what to do.

There's more out there for your mom than food stamps. What about unemployment benefits? I help people with resumes and job hunting. Maybe we can put out heads together to find her another job. And what about you? Call a local suicide hotline to find help for you AND for her. It really sounds like you need a cool head to talk you through all this. Could you give us an idea of where you live generally? That will help us identify possible resources. And do you ever go to the library? They have on file the names and contact numbers of all sorts of local organizations and agencies that will help.

Just remember -- you're not alone. You've got us, plus all sorts of resources near you.

Your mom's distress can't help but influence you. You want to help her and feel like you don't have the necessary tools. 18 is a frustrating age under ideal circumstances, adult expectations but childhood experience. Moving from dependency to self sufficiency. But you will make the transition.

One final bit of advice, for the moment. Your mother needs you as much as you need and love her. You should try to remove some of the artificial barriers (not letting her see weakness, etc) and confide in her. It sounds as though you care very much about each other and working closer, coordinating and working as a unit would hold benefits for you both.

As WonderGirl has noted there are a lot of resources available and when you have a bunch of assistants, like us, we will find the help you and your mom need.

Please keep checking in so I, all of us, know how you're doing and what else needs to be done.