How much to wait? And whether to compromise?
Hi!
I had not idea of putting my question here. But I read some answers and now I am going to do it.
Here it goes, I am a male, 27. I've always imagined a perfect life, (how much I got it is another question) and so I've imagined perfect love. And I had kind of 'feeling' I will get it, right from my teen age. I always thought I will get the love I am imagining, and many things in me got affected by it. Specifically, if inspired me a lot. I was such a purist that I wanted to remain (for the lack of a better word) 'untouched' until I get my love, so I stayed away from relationships, or maybe it was my shyness, I don't know.
But time went on, and nothing 'happened'. Now need, and desperation, is increasing, I am losing faith. Was it all my own feeling? Ain't I ever going to get it? I trust, and understand my destiny. So I think waiting may get me a perfect soulmate.
Where I live, mostly parents arrange marriages, though children have right to say yes or no, but parents are involved. Marriages where children choose their partner are also there, and my parents are free so that won't be the issue. Plus, you have somewhat free environment when you are young, for friendship and all. But I haven't been doing it much. Whenever it happened, it happened oddly.
The question is, what to do now? It seems stupid, but for some time I denied my parents to look for my marriage, so as to give my 'future love' time to come. I always thought I wasn't ready, I wasn't good enough. Getting to meet my life partner late is in my destiny! (Hope you are not laughing)
Now comes another twist. A girl loves me. She's my student (see, again some oddity). She used to mail me and then we used to chat. Once she told me her password for no reason and I read some 'draft' mails she didn't sent me. Before in past she had told me that she's writing things but not telling me, and I think this made me curious. Now she got to know that I had read those drafts. She got hurt. I've lost much of self-esteem. I never make mistakes like this, I never betray people. But this just happened.
I don't want to break her heart. But I don't love her. I don't like her that much too. But still I am attracted to her. There's very good understanding between us, we are like best friends. But she doesn't fit in the picture I've always had. Her and mine overall 'level' (hate writing this way) don't match. But living whole life knowing that I've got this life by crushing someone's heart seems impossible. And making a compromise for whole life seems strange too. Though this gives a quick solution to my desperation. I am entirely confused.
Any suggestions, analysis, scolding, welcomed. And sorry for so long post.