I have a 24 year old son, who is driving me nuts. He is a very good student in the University. My husband and I are under no obligation to have him home by law, but we allow it under one condition that he respects us while he continues his education. He isn't very socialable and refuses to look for a part-time job or a summer job. So we have him in the house daily. He is very rude to us, condensending, manipulative. We are fed up with his behaviour towards us, but he refuses to leave all together as well, claiming us, that we would ruin his life. If that is to happen he claims he would kill himself and kill me with it. I feel like I am a trapped animal living under these conditions. We end up in a fight and most of the time he says horrible things to me, and in retaliation, I tell him I hate him! I know it's a horrible thing to say, but I am fed up with the verbal abuse. We aren't bad parents my husband and I, we try our best but obviously my son seems to be ungrateful and reminds me that I have no education. My circumstances where different than his in my hay days, my mom was a divorcée and had to work for a living taking care of 2 kids, it wasn't easy and we had no child support as my father simply took off. What advice can you give me here to make it peaceful in my home, while he graduates and hopefully my son can have a good job.

Well I agree that he should be getting a job and pitching in. But I highly doubt that you are so innocent when it comes to starting the verbal abuse in the house. I can tell just by what your saying that you are probably most of the problem. Even putting yourself down to his level shows massive immaturity on your part, and I really think the manipulative one here is you, and here you are looking for people you don't even know to back up your B.S. Sorry lady, but your not getting my sympathy.

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we allow it under one condition that he respects us while he continues his education.

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He's not respecting you. Now you must carry out the consequences/punishment that was part of the deal.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

He's not respecting you. Now you must carry out the consequences/punishment that was part of the deal.

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I agree with Wondergirl... stick with the deal... it's your house!

The first thing that strikes me is where you say, 'my husband and I are under no obligation to have him home by law.. ' I can't imagine how bad things must have to get before a parent even begins to think like that. To me, my kids (young adults themselves now) would always have a home here whenever they needed it. My son has acutally left home now but if circumstances ever dictate he needs to return there would be no question of it being a problem.

So, I'm wondering, have you only felt that allowing your son to stay is a problem because his behaviour has been appalling for a very long time or did you at some point become resentful of having him still at home before this? I'm trying to work out where the roots of this lie.

Next I'm unclear exactly how bad his behaviour is and what the main problems are.

You say he is unsociable. Have you guys ever been on friendly chatting terms? Is it just his parents he is unsociable with or does he lack social skills?

Why is it important to you that he gets a summer job and how do you discuss it? My son was pretty lazy about earning money whilst at university, he seemed to feel that he worked hard enough studying. However, when we explained how tight things were financially and made it clear we could not bankroll his holidays, so it was have no money in the holidays or work, he did eventually get one. Do you need him to get a job for financial reasons or for some other reason? I ask this because when you say, 'so we have him in the house daily' it sounds as though the main reason is because you are fed up with having him around so much. I fully appreciate how much having a moody offspring underfoot can become irritating (yes I have been there) but he may feel you only want him to work to get rid of him and that would make him feel resentful. Are you focusing on how annoying it is for you or giving him clear reasons you feel he needs to get work? Are you giving him money when he could be earning it and so removing the incentive?

You say that he says terrible things and you retaliate. This is the first thing you can address. You need to be the adult and stop retaliating whilst making it clear that you do not accept being spoken to in a hostile and aggressive manner. You need to act like an adult and treat your son as an adult. Refuse to be drawn into slanging matches.

I get the impression from your last comments that as you had it hard, you resent him sponging off you ungratefully. This is fully understandable but you have to draw a line between your issues and his. Yes you had it difficult but that is hardly your son's fault. Look at what you want for your son's best interests, as well as a harmonious home, without bringing your past into it.

Finally, just to offer some hope, my son has now left home and has a great full-time job. He still makes mistakes, but he is becoming a sensible hard-working man, and he was most definitely a slobbish student in his time, so don't assume that what is happening today is what will always be happening. I wonder if that is the fear that drives you, that he will never man-up, get a job and leave?

I know it may be a stretch, but maybe your son is just saying he's going to kill himself/you just so you DO feel trapped and so you don't kick him out. (just a thought)
I understand that he doesn't want to leave because he is comfortable and can be lazy, but he is 24. He needs to learn respect before he receives respect (at least that's what my parents jammed into my brain haha)
I can honestly say if I acted that way, didn't have a job, threatened my parents, and continuously did nothing, I (at the age of 19) would be booted RIGHT out the door.
I don't think he should be getting away with how he's acting. Boundaries have got to be made and he has to follow them or take on the consequences.
But I do think you should look on the brighter side as well, your son is getting a great(?) education and will one day get a job and get out of your house, and be responsible.
Could your son maybe just be afraid of leaving what you have created for him?

Good luck!

I'm not going to bash you as a parent, and blame you for your adult son's behaviour.

If you are paying for his University education, and have managed to get him that far, and he's getting good grades, you must have done something right along the way.

Extreme frustration causes even the most saint like among us to lose it, and say things we don't mean, and live with the guilt of our words and actions.

What you do know about your son, is that he doesn't lose it in the classroom, or with his friends, or walking down the street and suddenly lash out at people. He doesn't lose it when his bus is 10 minutes late and scream at the driver, nor does he kick puppies for fun.

His behaviour is directed at you. It is probably a matter of him expecting certain things from you. Unfortunately you have to have some expectations, not only because he is an adult, but because he is living in your home. The more you try to have him conform even to simple rules, the more stops he puts out, right down to murder/suicide. Eventually his behaviour, and your reaction to it, will stop any positive changes that could possibly have been made.

When you tell him he has to 'respect' you. What do you mean exactly.

Put a smile on his face while he piles dirty dishes all over the place?

You need to control yourself, and then you need to set concrete expectations for him. He doesn't have to agree with it, he can move out. His choice.

Respect means showing due care, appreciation, and behaviour that is appropriate to the circumstances. It does not include abuse, swearing, threats, and using your home and resources like a trash can.

Be reasonable. But, do let him know what changes he can expect, and why. It is not up for negotiation, this is your home and your life now. Him staying there is a temporary, (and very generous) repreive from providing for himself on his own, like most adults do.

What he is doing is protecting 'his' turf. If you are afraid, or argumentative, or affected by idle threats, he further establishes his 'right' to live in your home. He's wearing you out, and wearing you down to have HIS needs met. And, he's playing you like a fiddle.

Let's get one thing straight here. You don't hate your child. First of all he's not a child, and second of all, you hate his behaviour, not him. He also knows this, and knows that guilt will drive a parent to allow behaviour that wouldn't be allowed under any other circumstances, or with any other person.

I suggest that you and your husband attend counselling together. Ask for guidance and instruction on coming up with a practical plan to place some control over the actions of your son, while he is in your home. When your son knows you are serious, he will likely be sweet and kind, and maybe even do a load of laundry, but he's only buying time, and it is not a permanent change.

At 24 years of age, you need reasonable expectations, and enforceable rules in your home.

Even a puppy gets trained. Make the effort. You aren't doing him any favours by allowing this behaviour to continue.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I'm not going to bash you as a parent, and blame you for your adult son's behaviour.

If you are paying for his University education, and have managed to get him that far, and he's getting good grades, you must have done something right along the way.

Extreme frustration causes even the most saint like among us to lose it, and say things we don't mean, and live with the guilt of our words and actions.

What you do know about your son, is that he doesn't lose it in the classroom, or with his friends, or walking down the street and suddenly lash out at people. He doesn't lose it when his bus is 10 minutes late and scream at the driver, nor does he kick puppies for fun.

His behaviour is directed at you. It is probably a matter of him expecting certain things from you. Unfortunately you have to have some expectations, not only because he is an adult, but because he is living in your home. The more you try to have him conform even to simple rules, the more stops he puts out, right down to murder/suicide. Eventually his behaviour, and your reaction to it, will stop any positive changes that could possibly have been made.

When you tell him he has to 'respect' you. What do you mean exactly.

Put a smile on his face while he piles dirty dishes all over the place?

You need to control yourself, and then you need to set concrete expectations for him. He doesn't have to agree with it, he can move out. His choice.

Respect means showing due care, appreciation, and behaviour that is appropriate to the circumstances. It does not include abuse, swearing, threats, and using your home and resources like a trash can.

Be reasonable. But, do let him know what changes he can expect, and why. It is not up for negotiation, this is your home and your life now. Him staying there is a temporary, (and very generous) repreive from providing for himself on his own, like most adults do.

What he is doing is protecting 'his' turf. If you are afraid, or argumentative, or affected by idle threats, he further establishes his 'right' to live in your home. He's wearing you out, and wearing you down to have HIS needs met. And, he's playing you like a fiddle.

Let's get one thing straight here. You don't hate your child. First of all he's not a child, and second of all, you hate his behaviour, not him. He also knows this, and knows that guilt will drive a parent to allow behaviour that wouldn't be allowed under any other circumstances, or with any other person.

I suggest that you and your husband attend counselling together. Ask for guidance and instruction on coming up with a practical plan to place some control over the actions of your son, while he is in your home. When your son knows you are serious, he will likely be sweet and kind, and maybe even do a load of laundry, but he's only buying time, and it is not a permanent change.

At 24 years of age, you need reasonable expectations, and enforceable rules in your home.

Even a puppy gets trained. Make the effort. You aren't doing him any favours by allowing this behaviour to continue.

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It is your home. He needs to abide by the rules or leave!

He may be 24, but you still have the upper hand. By end of day, you are still the parent, and he is still the child. Nothing will ever change that.

If he's not going to contribute to the house in anyway, is rude and disrespectful.. threatens to kill himself if you kick him out... then kick him out.

I wish death upon no one, and I do not wish anyone to witness a suicide... but he's threatening it because he knows he will win.

I'm 24 and unforutnately still live at home. I do however, have a job. I help my mom out with a lot of things. If I did none of the above, I could almost guarantee I'd be living on the streets.

What you're doing for him is not something you HAVE to do for him. You're being nice and hoping that he will get a good job and will be able to stand up on his own two feet.

If I were you, I would lay down the rules. Either get a job, or get out. If he comes back at you saying he's going to kill himself, maybe turn him into a psych ward for threatening suicide. Suicide is not something to mess with, and is usually due to him being depressed. Plus, if he's bluffing, you'll know.

I don't have kids... I'm a kid myself! But don't let your so boss you around. He's an adult. Hes more than capable of taking care of himself, he's choosing not to and treating you like trash. Stand up for yourself. Give him the ultimatum. If he refuses, then he needs to go. Colleges have dorm rooms, I'm sure he can live there.

Good luck