Why is it so hard to let go of your first love?
All right, for anyone willing to listen or offer any advice whatsoever, this question is for you. I'm just going to let you know this is going to be pretty long in advance, I feel like I should recap what's going so the reader can somewhat understand/relate. Ok, so let's go back about 8 years. I was 14 years old at the time, freshman in high school. I met a boy through mutual friends that was in 8th grade at the time that I really started crushing on. I had had tons of other crushes before but this one was different. We talked every night for hours on end and literally became best friends. He had asked me to be his girlfriend eventually but I rejected him because of my own insecurities and for fear of other kids at school judging my relationship. A few weeks later, he starts dating a girl in his grade that I had grown up with and it seems like now that he was "with" someone, I wanted him to be mine more than ever. I thought their relationship was going to be just a fling because who honestly last a significant amount of time in middle school, So I continued to talk to him everyday/night and grew closer and closer to him. A few months go by and my obsession with him grows stronger and stronger, I feel like he's my best friend and that he can do no wrong. His g/f goes out of town and we decide to go on our first official date. It was then and there that we shared our first kiss and boy did I see fireworks. I felt as if I were on cloud 9 from that moment on! I resisted temptation and gave him one peck because I knew in the back of my mind that he still had a girlfriend and I just wasn't the kind of person to do that to someone, esp a girl I had known since daycare. After our date, I didn't expect to hear from him for awhile but he called me as soon as he got home that night as usual. To speed things up, a few weeks go by and the girlfriend somehow finds out about our date while she was out of town, we share words, it gets ugly. I'm so in love by this point that I'm blinded by everything and all I know is that I want this boy all to myself, forever. A few friends and I took part in some cyber bullying to the girlfriend that lead to us getting suspended from school. Anyhow, months go by, the boy and I continue talking hours on end every night and try to hang out as much as possible while the girlfriend isn't around. I find out that they've started having sex and am devastated. I feel as if I have to make this move in order to step up my game. A few months later, We had sex and it was anything less than magical. I became slightly depressed because of my actions but it seemed as though he became more infatuated with me. Anyway, a few months later the girlfriend finds out and soon afterwords they are no more for good. Over the next 3 years, we grow inseparable. You have to realize that I have spent my whole entire high school career with the same boy, talking every single day, hours on end. He was a star football player so he always had girls after him but I was the one that stayed around that he always came back to if he was ever drawn their way. We used to talk about marriage and plan our lives together as if it was a fairytale I was living. My senior year comes along and half-way through the semester, I hear about a sophomore girl that is striking her interest in my love. I'm instantly protective and very prone to 'bully' the younger girl into trying to stray her away but she is persistent in her goal to get him, much like I was at her age. I knew that they were getting closer and that something was going on behind my back but I had no way to control it and if I asked about her, he'd tell me she was just a friend. Come Fall, I go off to college an hour away and I know things between us aren't going to be the same but I keep trying to salvage what we had. He tells me things will be fine and we'll see each other and blah blah blah. Of course, not even a month after I've been at college, he's already dating the now junior girl. I was heartbroken at the thought of another girl taking my place. (sounds like history repeating itself). I joined a lot of activities at school to keep my mind off him and her and it seemed to work for awhile. We stopped talking gradually, once a day, once a week, once every month, once every few months, etc. I knew that they were official and the thought of them together was just too much to bear. I am now a senior in college. It has been almost 3 years since me and him have really been close or anything. We still talked every once in awhile over the years but not on that level so it was easy for me not to worry about him or care. I almost thought I was completely over him up until recently, something has triggered me back into that web. Over the passed 2 years, I've only saw him four times and when we do speak now it's a cut and dry friendly conversation, nothing in depth. He is currently still with the younger girl from high school but from what I hear, history is repeating itself with her as well, she just puts up with him. I know this guy isn't worth a damn and I'm almost embarrassed to tell my pathetic story about my love sick obsession with him because in all reality he's a dog but it's just something I feel like that's been haunting me. I haven't liked anyone or dated anyone since him because somehow, he's holding me back even though we never speak now. I think us as kids get so caught up in emotions and how we feel at the time want to carry that feeling with us as we grow older. The sad realization though is that people change. I know that he has moved on and so should I but I just can't seem to get far enough away to completely not caring. Maybe you never really stop caring...
