Ask Me Help Desk - My ex fianc? Now gilfriend is becoming distant please help?

Im am 30 she is 33. She has a 16 year old dughter, and lives at home with her family. She loves me and wanted to get married really bad. We have been together 4 almost 2 years. She has not had a relationship with her daughter until recently. Her parents whitch lied to her half her life about her mom real mom and dad (uncle) being mom and dad. They hate my guts. I have encouraged her to be around for her daughter and be in her daughters life but now she is unsure of our relationship and says I fall back on importance. I truly truly love her so I know I need to let her do what she wants. I want to communicate where were heading and the wants and needs of each of us. She can't communicate and says only she doesn't want to lose me. It hurts so bad inside I want to be with her but can't take the pain of letting go but I am not happy about our relationship please help

I guess I am not following. Can you break it down a little clearer and less details, just giving the general concern?

From what I get, it sounds like you both love each other, just not seeing what problem you're referring to.

You are not happy because she is consumed with her own issues, and has no time to give you the care free attention, you want. Selfish, as she deals with her dysfunctional family problems, but telling also as, you can't seem to be a priority for each other.

Nope, unless you can back off and give her plenty of room to solve her own problems, neither of you will have the empathy to work together, as its very clear that neither of you can help each other.

Not a good thing for a healthy relationship. You both have to be healthy as individuals for that to happen. You don't seem supportive enough for each other, so maybe its time to work on yourselves apart.

Update.. well I forgot to mension her old boyfriend has been contacting her. I am willing to do whatever I can to help our relationship. I want to add that its not that I'm unhappy its wonderful and feels great to be around one another. I just have felt she's not as interested in spending time with me. We talked and after many tears she said she can't live without me but I know she is still talking to this old boyfriend whitch is giving her mixed emotions. What should I do?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jamesmike001

update.. well i forgot to mension her old boyfriend has been contacting her.

Some how I don't think you forgot to mention it. I think you didn't want to mention it because it says a lot about her and your situation. It says what I think you already know but are trying to deny.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jamesmike001

i am willing to do whatever i can to help our relationship. I want to add that its not that im unhappy its wonderful and feels great to be around one another.

It's clear you are the happy one. It's also clear she's not as into you, as you are her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jamesmike001

I just have felt shes not as interested in spending time with me. we talked and after many tears she said she can't live without me

Yes she can. She lived without you before she met you. If you die tonight, she's going to live on. That is a stupid line designed to confuse you and entrap you emotionally, and it's working. You are more emotionally invested in her, then she in you and as a result she can say things like that and mess with your head.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jamesmike001

but i know she is still talking to this old boyfriend whitch is giving her mixed emotions. what should i do?

The ex is not giving her anything but attention. He is in no way giving her mixed emotions. I've got ex's and if they started talking to me after 4 years, I can tell you I'd either be polite to the ones that we left on good terms, or ignore the ones I don't like. But either way, they sure wouldn't give me mixed emotions because 4 years creates a lot of clarity.

The reality is she is stringing you along. She's keeping you emotionally enslaved in case the other ex screws her over again. If he does, she runs back to you. She knows you'll wait forever, so she has no desire to make any quick decsions.

You will think I'm nuts, but what you need to do is tell her, "You know what, I think you should continue talking to the ex." She will be floored and wonder why, and you can say something like, "Well I've been approached by someone and she seems interested and if after 4 years you still have to talk to an ex, YOU (as in her) have made me rethink my options and I'd like to pursue some other things."

Whoa. That's claiming your own identity, it's standing up for yourself, it's making your decision on your time, and it's letting her go. Compare that to crying with her and which one do you really think will get her attention.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jamesmike001

update.. well i forgot to mension her old boyfriend has been contacting her. i am willing to do whatever i can to help our relationship. I want to add that its not that im unhappy its wonderful and feels great to be around one another. I just have felt shes not as interested in spending time with me. we talked and after many tears she said she can't live without me but i know she is still talking to this old boyfriend whitch is giving her mixed emotions. what should i do?

No one can give you mixed anything when you're sincere about something. I am a woman, and I love my husband... no one in a million years can convince me otherwise because no one owns my heart but me. Your heart only leads you, not them.

If she had any kind of respect, she wouldn't be communicating with her ex, unless you mean, her baby's father.

Disclaimer: Usually when a woman ats funny, it's because she's losing interest. Nothing will bring her back if her hearts already gone. You being extra nice and going the whole nine yards will just make her feel bad and she'll be nice awhile, but won't fully come back. That's if she's fully gone.

Also, don't try holding on to things once said in a relationship for ammo against your conscious during a hard time, because it'll block you from doing what's right.

I'm sure she said she couldn't live without you at one time, I'm sure all divorced couples and people who split up- at one time said heartfull things... means nothing when it's all gone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

Some how I don't think you forgot to mention it. I think you didn't want to mention it because it says a lot about her and your situation. It says what I think you already know but are trying to deny.

It's clear you are the happy one. It's also clear she's not as into you, as you are her.

Yes she can. She lived without you before she met you. If you die tonight, she's going to live on. That is a stupid line designed to confuse you and entrap you emotionally, and it's working. You are more emotionally invested in her, then she in you and as a result she can say things like that and mess with your head.

The ex is not giving her anything but attention. He is in no way giving her mixed emotions. I've got ex's and if they started talking to me after 4 years, I can tell you I'd either be polite to the ones that we left on good terms, or ignore the ones I don't like. But either way, they sure wouldn't give me mixed emotions because 4 years creates a lot of clarity.

The reality is she is stringing you along. She's keeping you emotionally enslaved in case the other ex screws her over again. If he does, she runs back to you. She knows you'll wait forever, so she has no desire to make any quick decsions.

You will think I'm nuts, but what you need to do is tell her, "You know what, I think you should continue talking to the ex." She will be floored and wonder why, and you can say something like, "Well I've been approached by someone and she seems interested and if after 4 years you still have to talk to an ex, YOU (as in her) have made me rethink my options and I'd like to pursue some other things."

Whoa. That's claiming your own identity, it's standing up for yourself, it's making your decision on your time, and it's letting her go. Compare that to crying with her and which one do you really think will get her attention.

Thanks for all the advice to everyone I am still together with her. In fact its sort of like the tides have changed so funny how that works now she wants my attention all the time but I have been exstreemly busy but thanks and all is well