OK first time poster,

To give you a little background , we have been together just over 5 years now I'm 25 she's 23, things had been great in that time no real issues lots of fun and happy times, we rented a house together for 2 years then finally came to the conclusion we should build a house together,and we did 2 years ago now, everything was going great, about 6 months ago my job did get cut down to 4 days a week so we talked and well we both thought it was a good idea for me to work up north ( live in western Australia Perth ) in one of the mines, so 6 months ago now I go a job up north on a 2week on 1 week off roster, all seemed good, we talked heaps emailed lots, every time I was home for a week we would spend time together and was crazy to see me. Until a few weeks ago when she stopped emailing never answered phone calls things just weren't the same I could tell something was up but she has never been a talker never wanted to talk about her feelings , well this last week Ive been back things have not been good, she's really ignoring me she's always working late and then if she does get off early she will go to friends houses, seems she just wants to avoid me, well I finally sat down and talked a bit last night, and well she says she's not in a good space right now, and that her feelings are never black or white, she says she still loves me she says it a lot but then she says she just wish she could pack up and go away for a while get away from everyone , try clear her head, she saying that maybe we should take a break for a while and that she needs some space not just from me but everyone her friends and all , and that scares me a lot because we talked of plans of marriage only not long ago. And I'm worried if she might realize she doesn't want to be with me and that hurts so much thinking that, I leave tomorrow only for a week and intend on not calling or emailing her trying to give her that space, but then I'm back for 2 weeks, I want to give her the space but being in the same house together will be hard I have no where else to go, so don't know what to do, I wanted to show her that I love her and asked her out to dinner at a top restaurant but that got canned last night , she said book it for tonight but now she said that its not a good idea that we go, I just feel lost with what to do, worried that she's not telling me the whole story and yeah, hurting very much. I love this woman so much its hard feeling like you can't be there for her and that she doesn't want your help.

Ive read a lot on here and seen what you guys can do, would love to hear your comments and support,

Hazza


I'm guessing the plan of action is the NC rule, its just going to make it hard when I fly back in, yeah she will be at work a lot of the time so I guess ill just try and make myself gone in the evenings go to mates or a run,. but really with me being back its not really following the NC rule, so don't know what to do

When people start talking about wanting space-give it to them and go no contact-thats always been my opinion.

As for your two weeks off, are there no friends or relatives you could go see?

Or tell her,that since she is the one wanting space,she moves out.

I can't tell you what's going on in her head,but if you have read any of the similar threads here, you probably know by now that needing space can be a way of saying,
I want to break up.

So be prepared,and make sure you keep busy doing your own thing.

When people start talking about wanting space and time to clear their heads, they are really trying to let you down lightly.

If she wants space, then give it to her - respect her desire to clear her head and leave her alone while you're away.

However, when you return, I think that you both need to go somewhere quiet and have a long talk. You've shared a good portion of your lives, and you've talked about marriage, so it's important that she is honest with you. She owes you that at least - No wishy washy stuff. It's your life as well as hers. Be strong and be clear that you'd rather hear the truth and deal with it, than vague excuses.

I suspect that she doesn't want to be in the relationship any more. This is hard and painful for you, but be prepared.

OK well I just wrote an email not to her work address but to her one here at home , basically saying I'm sorry for the way I reacted over this that I took it all to heart instead of seeing the problem for what it is and for that I'm sorry, I hear tha you need space and I want to give that to you, etc etc etc, went on saying how when I'm away I won't try to contact her or bug her, because all I know its pushing her away more, told her that I will be hear when she is ready, and justlet her know tha I love her deeply and can't wait to move on ad do all the things we talked about, and all I can wish is that she wants it too when she's ready,

She hasn't got the email yet I know she finishes work in 5 minutes and hopefully will be home soon so she will hopefully read it in a few hours, it seemed a lot easier to write this all down then to say it to her as I know it wouldn't come out the same. I fly out tomorrow so hopefuly this will leave her with an undersatanding that I'm here for her when she's ready, Do you think I've done the right thing?

Well,now you've left the ball in her court.

Stick to the no contact,she knows how you feel if she wants to get in touch.

You need to give her the space and time she needs. This means you can't contact her at all during that time and you shouldn't try and do anything that will persuade her to change her mind. The reason this step is so crucial is that it shows your girlfriend that you respect what she needs and that your needs don't overshadow hers.

Don’t let your emotions take control of the situation... don’t send flowers, write long, heartfelt emails or do anything to try and win her back. If you do this, she won't find it charming or endearing at all. Instead she'll feel that you don't understand or really love her. Make a promise to yourself that you'll give her the distance she wants and stick to it.

I’d say if she hasn’t decided what she wants in two months, then I’d break the NC and have a serious discussion on what you’re going to do with the house and move on without her.

I will address this as I would a married couple since basically that's what you are without the piece of paper. Buying a house together is a commitment to the future.

As you live together, then NC is a very hard thing to do, and somewhat unrealistic, but with your work schedule, I mean geeez, what more space can a person hope for?

What I think is happening is an emotional disconnect that has to be addressed, as clearly the communications have broken down, and the gap is getting wider. I think you did well to send an email to her, and can only wait for her reply, and only then can you make the call to change the living arrangements, and handle your business together (the house).

But her decision to stay or go, must be based on her own feelings, right, or wrong, without influence from YOU! You have told her how you feel, and its up to her to tell you how she feels. Give her the space to do that but waiting for months is off the table. Even without a decision, you should know how she feels soon, weeks maybe, so you can make your own decision, as your finances and living arrangements need to be reconciled in a responsible way.

Well that just hit the nail on the head I think,

Well I'm still at this mine site for another 4days haven't brocken nc at all, I told her what's up and left it at that, but is so hard to keep it off my mind, yeah while at work I'm trying to focus so much but the job I'm doing even though pays well is such brain dead work tis hard to not let your mind run, then when I'm off I either find myself sitting in my donga alone thas not helping or at the wetmess(pub) drinking with mates , but tend to feel like I want more to forget so try to stay away from there atm,

Arhhh tis hard I must say, as you say I'm away for 36 weeks of the year how much more can I give, yeah we do talk on the phone when I get reception up here every few nights for 15 minutes or so, and the odd email but that is it, her last message to me before I left was that she is really sorry its just her being messed up she prommises.

Just hope I hear something soon because its hurting so much,

I'm sorry you're hurting,it's a tough situation.

Can you find something to distract your mind,maybe an online course or interest,rather than just sitting on your own thinking or spending time in the pub?

Something stinks and it doesn't sound like it has anything to do with you. Usually when there's a sudden change in behavior, SOMETHING had to have happened with her. The fact that she isn't opening up and communicating that with you is where I see the problem. You seem to leave everything open and you're pretty much doing everything right... just something is up with her and she's wanting space all of a sudden.

Regardless, keep your distance. You let her know how much you love and care about her. She's the one that needs to do some "soul searching" or whatever you want to call it. There pretty much isn't anything you can do to help her, besides let her be. In time it will all unravel and you'll have your clarity.

OK well things have got worst, got back from work the other day and well I never talked to her once while away and as soon as I walked in the door, she wanted to talk and tell me its over, she basically said that things haven't been great for a long time and she tried to talk to me along time about it but I never change, to be honest I thought I had changed, trying to spend as much time with her taking her out doing things, etc, but apprently I hadn't, and she's had enough of trying and faking, this hurt muchly, basically wanted me out the house, I asked her to tell me the truth that I deserv that and well I asked her if there was anyone else but she denied it, but I still had that gut feeling so I did something bad but glad I did too, I looked at her msn log to the person I suspected and well I was right on she has been cheating and basically he's the one who's telling her to break up with me, this hurts so so much I ended up putting my fist threw a door, wich she saw when she got home and now she doesn't want to be around me at all, she still doesn't know that I know, I emaild her asking for the truth but nothing, as for the house and living I have no idea what to do, can't move in with my dad because my brother is actually having probs with his wife and living with my dad and my mums fiancé is having cancer probs and dsont have long left apprently so I don't want to get in the way, as for mates none have room, I'm so so low right now that I can't even get motivated to get out the house, and just random times ill break down thinking about what's happened, what do I do, I'm so lost

Sorry for your pain.

You start by sorting out the practicalities-do you co-own the house?

See a solicitor and get legal advice.

Why should you have to move out,unless she owns the house?

House is in both our names, so yeah,

Either we sell it and split the profit or I buy her out I don't know, its too hard to think about that now specialy when I still love this woman, it doesn't feel real like it hasn't hit fully yet, like it comes in waves,

Yes,that's understandable-it takes time to sink in.

Which is why it's a good thing to start keeping busy with the things you can influence,i.e. the house.

Its going to have to be done,so sooner,rather than later would be good.