My husband has told me a month ago that he doesn't love me anymore & wants to move out. He continues to ignore me, work late hours, goes out w/ friends & focus only on the children. Every time I ask him "what's going on?" " we should talk about this, when are you moving out?" he just continually responds "I don't know & I don't want to talk about it" He wants no part of therapy, he said therapy will just make him more angry at me. How long does he think I can live like this? I am having trouble functioning through my day & my children are asking questions. Help!

You know, Karyn, it sounds to me like your husband is having an affair. If so, then I don't know what to tell you. His reluctance may be because he isn't sure aobut "her". She may be too young, or also married or a millioon other things.

While it isn't going to fix your marriage, if you still want him, I think your best bet is to tell him how much you love him (if you do ) and realize that you are (maybe) now in the position of wooing him. Recriminations won't work, but if he admits it to you, then at least you are on a more honest footing. And you will have a lot of work to do if you are going to patch up.

Then again, maybe you have just had it. In that case just go and file the divorce and get it over with.

Get yourself to an Attorney and find out what your rights are in your State before your husband walks out and you are in an emergency situation.

On a personal note, why are you putting up with this behavior?

When did this behavior start. Your husband sounds like he is threatening something that he might not even do. He keeps talking about leaving but then when asked why and what's going on he will not say anything. Sounds like a major control issue and I agree with the others most likely having an affair.

Like the above advice, get an attorney. Do not put up with this abuse, its called EMOTIONAL abuse and you need to be the one to end it. Do not give him the satisfaction of not talking about anything when he is threatening to leave but will not tell you when..

What a jerk off.

I would tell him to either fish or cut bait. If he wants to leave then he should get on with it and leave because you're in limbo. This situation isn't fair to you or you children.

It doesn't sound like this is fixable, he wants out, isn't willing to consider therapy or even talk to you. It's time to look out for you and the kids. Get a lawyer, get him out of the house, look out for yourself and your kids, that's the only thing you can do right now.

Good luck and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

All the best to you.

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Originally Posted by rockygirl

You know, Karyn, it sounds to me like your husband is having an affair. If so, then I don't know what to tell you. His reluctance may be because he isn't sure aobut "her". She may be too young, or also married or a millioon other things.

While it isn't going to fix your mariage, if you still want him, I think your best bet is to tell him how much you love him (if you do ) and realize that you are (maybe) now in the position of wooing him. Recriminations won't work, but if he admits it to you, then at least you are on a more honest footing. And you will have alot of work to do if you are going to patch up.

Then again, maybe you have just had it. In that case just go and file the divorce and get it over with.

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What? He's treating her like this and you are recommending that SHE "woo" HIM?

A swift foot in the backside is more like it.

Unless there is something you are not telling us, the whole thing sounds ridiculous.
He wants out but is too lazy to leave? Sounds like he is trying to control the situation. Has this happened before?

At least he is close to the children. You didn't mention how old they were or how long you've been married.

If you haven't left anything out, tell him to leave, so you are not in limbo waiting.:rolleyes:

Well all of your responses have been EXTREMELY Helpful. To answer some of your questions... Just Dahlia - we have been married 11 years & had our 1st daughter 3 years into it.. my oldest is almost 8 & my youngest is 4. My oldest has special needs & has put a HUGE strain on our marriage. In many ways I think he may be in denial about the whole "special needs thing" he sometimes thinks she will "out grow it & catch up" For YEARS I have done all of the therapy, school visits & special doctors because I was the stay at home mom ( AND working nights) but since I am now working again( during the day) , he does have to do some of the appointments. In response to JesusHelper the "not speaking" treatment has been on & off for nearly a year now & I just couldn't TAKE IT anymore so FINALLY asked him the question a month ago when all of this happened. And as far as the control is concerned you NAILED it... He controls EVERYTHING. There is NOTHING I do right, from loading the dishwasher (he will re-arrange the dishes), he mocks me about the way I clean " did you clean around the toilet bowl? it doesn't look like you did?" & even when it comes to parenting, he will say things like, why didn't you do it this way etc? And finally in response to Judy Kay I am putting up w/this behavior because I cannot afford an apartment on my own for me & the girls, but I also cannot afford the house by myself... so I am STUCK until it legally is stated what his child support would be so I can move out w/the girls...

When a husband and father shuts down and closes all the doors in your face when you ask him why, that is a dangerous sign.

Because you don't have a reason for his behaviour that is obvious, although I agree it sounds like an affair to me as already said, you can not assume anything.

Stop guessing, and start planning. Go to a lawyer and get information on a separation agreement, and be informed and educated on what you can and cannot expect to happen as far as the assets etc. go.

Tell your husband that you have seen a lawyer, and you expect him to do the same. Time for him to put his money where his mouth is.

Explain that with shared custody, he will have the special needs child on his own, for visitation, and hand him a list of a typical routine that you do now with that child. Be practical and forthcoming about what will happen in the near future, and suggest he get a lawyer himself. Take no prisoners in other words.

It would be a good idea if you turned your thinking around and didn't rely on him at all. Allow yourself to seek out options such as subsidized housing, temporary shelters, moving in with family temporarily. There are many resources available to you but you have to do the leg work. If you are not prepared, and he walks out and takes all the money out of the bank, or a loan on the house or rings up the credit cards, that is only adding more grief to the process of divorce.

Tell him that you need to talk to him about provisions for supporting yourself and your children after he moves out. (I presume he wouldn't put you and the kids out on the street, but you need to be prepared if you have to move). You need to know, or negotiate when that will happen so you can have a legal separation and custody order in place.

This may not go the way you want it to, and too many are left 'surprised' and behind the 8 ball because they didn't do their homework. Please do yours for your sake and the sake of your children.

He is finding fault with you, to justify his own behaviour, no matter how petty and immature those 'faults' are.

My opinion here is you need to step up, and take care of business. He has put this on your plate, and you have to deal with it now, rather than after. Whatever his reasons are for doing what he is doing, that comes second now, because you and your children's future depend upon your practical and necessary steps to forge your own way.

You are not going to know what you can and can't afford (and I've been there. I know how frightening it can be.) until you speak with an Attorney.

I am not supporting him in any way but is he simply on emotional overload right now? Some people rant and rave and storm around; others sit and cry; others simply turn it all inside.

Is that the problem?

He is certainly controlling and hypercritical and may continue to make you and the children unhappy for the rest of your life if you both stay, which is not out of the question. Whether he's having an affair is almost irrelevant at this point.

If you divorce, you will likely have to deal with a drop in your standard of living, but you will have peace of mind and you will not starve. You will be amazed at how nice it is not to have someone second guessing your every act! I know because I lived with someone who criticized everything I did for 15 years. I was ecstatic (not depressed) when he finally moved out.

You may be entitled to child support and alimony. Consult a lawyer or, at least, get a divorce self help book from a place like Nolo Press. Do something for yourself and your kids. You all deserve better.