My children's father is emotionally and mentally abusing me and has been for nearly 4years now... I did try to leave him last September but I ended up coming back to him, because even though I didn't admit then, he had, and still thinks he has, total Control over me.
About a month ago he back-handed my daughter and she fell to the floor, then he said sorry straight-away and cuddled her and he always gets stressed with her because she's 17months old and doing what they do at that age... pushing their luck... but he doesn't seem to know how to control his stress levels and just talk to her normally in firm voice without upsetting her or scaring her and my daughter can obviously sense that, plus he KEEPS swearing in front of her and just ignores me when I tell him to stop swearing.

I need to get away from him ASAP for my own sanity and of course my TWO babies. My children are on a Child Protection Plan now and that's basically because I came back to him. I left all my family and friends and moved 160miles away from them, just to be with him.

How can I get out without having to go in one of those Refuge's? My family have no space for us 3 and I've already been in one of those Refuge's and it was hard enough with one child, never-mind a toddler and a 5week old and it makes me feel like a victim and I don't want to feel like that.

Please Help, I just don't know what to do... How do I get me, my children and my possessions out of here?

What do you mean by Child Protection Plan. What is the reason for that, and is it still an open case with regular visits?

I would speak to your social worker, or a social worker, or a women's shelter, or any other resources in your community for women in crisis.

You may not wish to go where you will likely end up, but only you can make that choice.

I know and understand that you don't want to feel like a victim as you said, but by staying you continue the cycle, and by leaving, you put yourself back in charge.

I don't know if the two of you have been through counselling or what has transpired to address the parenting issues and the anger problems, and the emotional abuse. When you went back to him, why did you think things would change, without some major effort on both your parts.

I can't tell you to stay, and I can't tell you to leave. What I can say is that given the circumstances, and what I suspect of your history with this man, I would be making phone calls, and preparing to take my children to a shelter.

Just get out... Shelters may save the lives of your children and you.

It isn't what you want but there don't seem to be many choices and a shelter is not a refugee camp. You may not like it but until you get those kids away.. they are in danger and so are you. He should be arrested for beating your child.

Think about your kids, not about what you want! How could you even think about turning down a shelter after he beat a 17 month old child. He's a monster and you enable him by staying and finding excuses.

If I were in your place I would sleep in a homeless shelter or in a cave to keep my kids safe. Wake up... Did you call the police when he beat your child? You should have!
Next time it could be you or your kids we see on TV who have been murdered.

Here you are with two children living with an abusive man, at risk for losing your children to the system because of the abusive man and you are not willing to go to a shelter because it makes you feel uncomfortable? This is not about you - it's about protecting your children from abuse. Like Kat, I would live in a cave, tent, my grandmother's basement - anywhere that would have me - if it made my children save from an abusive person.

You were ridiculous to return to this guy and risk custody of your children and staying with him is even worse. Nobody wants to live in a shelter but some people need to do the work that they can help you do such as figuring out why you ended up in an abusive relationship, why you returned yourself and your children to an environment that is dangerous for them, and why you are completely dependent on someone who cannot treat you properly.

YOu also need help obtaining job skills and placement assistance and finding out what is normal for you and your children. Go to a shelter and make it your mission to use all their resources so you can move back nearer to your family as soon as possible, find a job and become self-reliant.

You are not in a position to be picky and you owe your children immediate and lasting safety away from this dirtbag jerk you're living with. Who would backhand a baby? Are you kidding me? Don't be the kind of mother who would put up with that.

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Originally Posted by ;

You are not in a position to be picky and you owe your children immediate and lasting safety away from this dirtbag jerk you're living with. Who would backhand a baby? Are you kidding me? Don't be the kind of mother who would put up with that.

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Life isn't always what we want it to be. You had a choice, your children didn't. If you're waiting for someone to come and rescue you, it's not going to happen. You can call the police and have him thrown in jail. You are the mother of these kids and they depend on you.

I don't understand how you can live with someone who abuses you and your children. Go to a shelter because if this happens again your child could end up dead. Their already emotionally scarred . Get out!

Thanks for all your answers and I will be speaking to my social worker about my options next week when she comes round to my house... The only reason I haven't told her about what he did and why I didn't call the police is because I am terrified of them taking me babies off me, so I just kept it to myself. And I know it is ridiculas that I came back to him, but I was weak... which is one thing I defo say now... I have learnt my lesson and I am not weak anymore and I want to get out!!

Thanks agen people! X

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Originally Posted by Mommycakes

Thanx for all ur answers and i will be speaking to my social worker about my options next week wen she comes round to my house......The only reason i havent told her about wot he did and why i didnt call the police is because i am terrified of them taking me babies off me, so i just kept it to myself. And i know it is ridiculas that i came back to him, but i was weak.....which is one thing i defo say now......i have learnt my lesson and i am not weak anymore and i jus want to get out!!!

Thanx agen people! x

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Why can't your family take you in?

Because they have no room atall, plus I've only told my dad about it, as I'm don't want people knowing wots really going on in my life beacause its degrading and embarrassing, but I am dealing with it now, fingers crossed, we will be out of her within 2weeks! X

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Originally Posted by Mommycakes

Because they have no room atall, plus ive only told my dad about it, as im dont want people knowing wots really going on in my life beacause its degrading and embarrassing, but i am dealing with it now, fingers crossed, we will be out of her within 2weeks!! x

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I hope you get a police escort to be there. Let us know how you're doing. Keep talking to us we don't know you and you can tell us.:) has he always been like this or what set him off?

I know our feedback can sound harsh but we're just trying to get you to see the situation how other people are. For some reason, sometimes people are just seduced by being around the wrong person - this guy is a world of pain for you, and you'll get over him but you need to act on behalf of your children for now.

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Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

I know our feedback can sound harsh but we're just trying to get you to see the situation how other people are. For some reason, sometimes people are just seduced by being around the wrong person - this guy is a world of pain for you, and you'll get over him but you need to act on behalf of your children for now.

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Be safe and let us know how you are!

Yes, kitkat22, he has always been like it, I've even been told by his own dad that he has really bad paranoir and even he told me to get out of the relationship before he drags me down with him. But surprise-surprise I didn't listen to him... Ijus kept thinking that if I stay with him and prove that I don't cheat on people then his paranoir would stop, but it has just seems to have gotten worse. I think its his paranoir that makes him angry in himself and that's why he lashes out, not at me though because he's knows that he will get it back off me ten-fold, but at our daughter and that's why I do know now that we desparately need to get out of here ASAP.
I wish I could get some propa help because the social worker is making me stay here another week because she can't be bothered to do her job properly!!

I will keep intouch on here though, its good for me to have someone to talk to from totally outside this horrible situation!

Thanks. Xxx

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Originally Posted by Mommycakes

Yes, kitkat22, he has always been like it, ive even been told by his own dad that he has really bad paranoir and even he told me to get out of the relationship before he drags me down with him. But surprise-surprise i didnt listen to him......Ijus kept thinking that if i stay with him and prove that i dont cheat on people then his paranoir would stop, but it has just seems to have gotten worse. I think its his paranoir that makes him angry in himself and thats why he lashes out, not at me though coz hes knows that he will get it back off me ten-fold, but at our daughter and thats why i do know now that we desparately need to get out of here ASAP.
I jus wish i could get some propa help coz the social worker is making me stay here another week coz she can't be bothered to do her job properly!!!

I will keep intouch on here though, its good for me to have someone to talk to from totally outside this horrible situation!

Thanx. xxx

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You know paranoia is not the only thing that's wrong. He is viloent toward a seventeen month old child. Have either one of you been married before? The reason I ask is , was he violent towards his girlfriend or ex wife if he's been in other relationships?

Please get help and don't let him EVER slap your children again! Keep us posted... :)

Something to consider - sometimes people stay in a bad situation because they are afraid of the unknown. And sometimes they are afraid to take difficult steps because they haven't given thought to where those steps will eventually take them.

Instead of thinking how uncomfortable it might be to have two children in a shelter, consider these things:
- They can provide you safety and a comfortable place to eat and sleep and get all your basic needs met for right now.
- It will be viewed as a positive step for helping protective services recognize that you are taking care of your kids, and get them off your back.
- They can help you to separate for good from a bad relationship and learn to open yourself up to only good men who will be good to you and your children - they can help you figure out why you are drawn to a destructive man.
- They can help you connect with job training and work and free child care so that you can be totally independent of your family and men.
- They can help you file for child support from the children's father and have it direct deposited in your bank account so you never have to talk to him to get it.
- They can help you find affordable housing and connect with short term government money if you need it to take care of yourself until you are ready to meet your own financial needs.
- They can help you obtain a subsidized cell phone (one of Obamas programs) so that you have a free means of communication and a new phone number that your ex cannot get.

The shelter isn't a destination - it's more like the plane that will take you to the destination. If I were you, I'd get on the plane and take it one step at a time.

You might want to think about just how lucky you are that you have options.

Consider this.

Only 50 years ago, a mother of three, in a relationship with a physically abusive husband who was also a gambler, had nowhere to go. Calling the police never resulted in any charges of domestic violence, church officials told you to put up and shut up.

There was no government assistance programs whatsoever. No medical, dental, subsidies, retraining, emergency shelters, free legal aid. There were no self-esteem workshops, no group therapy, no subsidies to gain a better education. You truly had to 'qualify' as poor to get second hand clothing from (usually) church sponsored stores.

Local town welfare was doled out, but you practically had to beg for it, and each time you received a cheque you had to prove that you needed it. And it barely covered food.

Child support and spousal support was not enforceable. You could take a deadbeat dad to court (if you could afford it) 100 times, and still not see a penny.

It was jam sandwiches for lunch for the kids, and macaroni mixed with ketchup for dinner, washed down with mixed powdered milk.

There was no money for camp, summer vacations, dance lessons, or a dinner out.

Gender ruled the day back then for any good job, or trade. Retail and secretarial work paid very poorly. If you worked part time under the table to support your welfare cheque, you ran when you saw the Welfare Officer coming toward the shoe store you worked in. If you moved a boyfriend in (which was not acceptable by any stretch at that time), you were immediately investigated. In your home, unnanouced, by authorities looking for proof that a man was there. If he was, you were expected to live off him.

You could not get credit, or qualify for a loan. There were no grants to assist you if there was a school for you to take courses in. Your children had to fight for loans/grants to attend college because 'technically' their father made too much money and you didn't qualify. Even though, he left and had no contact for the past 15 years.

You were considered to be a leech, a blight on your community, and taxpayers were scornful of their dollars going to put food on your plate.

I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

If all you do is have to make a decision to leave, there are more resources available to you than was even fathomable only a generation ago.

Pack your stuff, consider yourself lucky you have so much available to you, and get out.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

You might want to think about just how lucky you are that you have options.

Consider this.

Only 50 years ago, a mother of three, in a relationship with a physically abusive husband who was also a gambler, had nowhere to go. Calling the police never resulted in any charges of domestic violence, church officials told you to put up and shut up.

There was no government assistance programs whatsoever. No medical, dental, subsidies, retraining, emergency shelters, free legal aid. There were no self-esteem workshops, no group therapy, no subsidies to gain a better education. You truly had to 'qualify' as poor to get second hand clothing from (usually) church sponsored stores.

Local town welfare was doled out, but you practically had to beg for it, and each time you received a cheque you had to prove that you needed it. And it barely covered food.

Child support and spousal support was not enforceable. You could take a deadbeat dad to court (if you could afford it) 100 times, and still not see a penny.

It was jam sandwiches for lunch for the kids, and macaroni mixed with ketchup for dinner, washed down with mixed powdered milk.

There was no money for camp, summer vacations, dance lessons, or a dinner out.

Gender ruled the day back then for any good job, or trade. Retail and secretarial work paid very poorly. If you worked part time under the table to support your welfare cheque, you ran when you saw the Welfare Officer coming toward the shoe store you worked in. If you moved a boyfriend in (which was not acceptable by any stretch at that time), you were immediately investigated. In your home, unnanouced, by authorities looking for proof that a man was there. If he was, you were expected to live off him.

You could not get credit, or qualify for a loan. There were no grants to assist you if there was a school for you to take courses in. Your children had to fight for loans/grants to attend college because 'technically' their father made too much money and you didn't qualify. Even though, he left and had no contact for the past 15 years.

You were considered to be a leech, a blight on your community, and taxpayers were scornful of their dollars going to put food on your plate.

I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

If all you do is have to make a decision to leave, there are more resources available to you than was even fathomable only a generation ago.

Pack your stuff, consider yourself lucky you have so much available to you, and get out.

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Please take this advice! I have thought about that little girl a lot! He could have hurt her badly...

Can you please tell me how you managed to move where did you get help from I am in the same position and want out but also don't want to go to a refuge or shelter

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Originally Posted by Helpreqd

Can you please tell me how you managed to move where did you get help from I am in the same position and want out but also dont want to go to a refuge or shelter

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You posted in an old thread.
It is best to start your own thread by Putting your question in the box marked "ask your question or search".

This will allow many more people to see it.