Just a personal short intro, I am slightly over my 30s, have a good career, never been married and dying to get married.

3 years ago, I met a man 10 years my senior. Both proclaimed single and hence, a relationship evolved naturally. He knows I will never get involved with unavailable men. We don't live together, meets me thrice a week, works 365 days a year and leads a rather simple and down-to-earth lifestyle. I have never met his family because they live abroad. Despite feeling short-changed at times and the 3 months harassment from his ex-gf , this is the man I love very much and wanted to marry badly. My mum who cares a lot, helps me screened all my ex-partners and she is even approved of him.

3 years later, his wife called me and my world came crashing down. So, I confronted him and found out that this is his second marriage of 8 years. He never showed her to his friends and never admitted that he is married... It was only recently she appeared at his office with his relatives and a few closer friends found out. They are appalled and so am I. He told me she never cooks for him, has not been working but travels in and out of the country frequently (due to their personal complex issues), only met ~8 times a year, had many miscarriages and is still insistent to have a baby so they opt for test tube and is successful after 3 years. Now, they have a 1 yr old baby.

He kept it from both of us. His wife found out when she checked his mobile phone, deleted my SMSes (no wonder he never replied) and she calls me every alternate day since the day she found out. She wanted to meet me badly to discuss but we never met.

According to him, she never confronted him about the affair and it was 2 weeks later, he confronted her on checking his phone and they had a huge fight. After 2 months of her harassment calls which I completely ignored, I decided to end this with her once and for all. I picked up one of her calls and lied to her that her husband and I are no longer together. It works like magic! She stopped all her calls however he still calls me everyday and tells me that he loves me. He told me that he will leave her for me. Because of the baby and he wants him to get a little older and so he is putting our relationship on hold now and will get married when the time is right.

This is a man whom I am very certain I want to spend my lifetime with...
Would you advise to leave or stay?

In one word leave.

To elaborate-this guy lies,cheats on his wife and is,to put it in words permitted on this board,a firstclass jerk.

And you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Wake up and smell the coffee,why would you want that kind of lifesentence?

Please let me ask this.

Why are you so certain that you want to spend the rest of your days with someone that has hidden his real life from you, lied to and cheated on you?

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Because of the baby and he wants him to get a little older and so he is putting our relationship on hold now and will get married when the time is right.

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He has already told you a load of BS about his life and now he tells you this. My BS meter is screaming 'liar, liar, pants on fire!' - why isn't yours telling you the same thing?

I can only assume that the fact you're 'dying to get married' has incapacitated any ability you have to tell the truth from lies. This man is most assuredly lying to you, and to his wife, and to his family, and to his friends.

The best way to assess a person's future actions is by looking at what they've done in the past. Your partner has repeatedly deceived, lied and cheated.

Um, I don't think that this is good marriage or happily ever after material.

In all honesty, do you?

If he's done this to his current wife, do you think you would be treated differently?

He's already lied to you. A pretty big lie too. Why do you want to be with someone who based his relationship with you on a lie?

You need to get out of this while you still can. This type of situation is going to drag you down, put you through a lot of unnecessary stress.

He claims to want to wait for his kid to get older? That's just another lie. He doesn't plan on leaving his wife. If he was going to leave her for you, he would have done that 3 years ago. Its just another excuse to keep you holding onto something that will never happen... They make movies about this!

Save yourself, get out of this mess! Find someone who is COMPLETELY single.

I agree with previous posters that he is obviously lying to you.
"Then why does he call me and say that he loves me?" you might ask.

Let me tell you, he found a good hearted person like you, who can take care of him and his baby, and he is using you for that. He keeps making up excuses to confuse you. You're much better off by leaving him.

With this level of deception, you leave, and stay gone.

You may love him but can't you see how this man is using you?

For starters, he's a liar. That alone would have a sensible woman running for the hills. Only a naïve one would stay.

Hes not going to leave his wife. You're just the woman on the side he's sleeping with.

Please, get smart and get out. Plenty of single men out there, with none of this silly drama. You deserve so much better.

Leave.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

With this level of deception, you leave, and stay gone.

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Thanks everyone for your advice, it is better to have more heads thinking than one. I broke the truth to mom and she is utterly disappointed. She encourages me to have a new focus; find a new hobby, know more friends or help people who are less fortunate than I am.

In all moral and legal senses, I should leave. In matters of the heart and in all honesty, I couldn't do it because I have invested my heart and soul to this one stupid man for the past 3 years and I don't know when I could bring myself to do it...

If I leave now, I'm afriad I will suffer rebound and couldn't imagine what to do with the sudden emptiness. I had a few past relationships with single men but this one impacts me differently.

When asked him why didn't he admit it on the first day we met? He told me he was afraid I would leave him and he intended to keep it from me till the day comes. Right now, I don't even know if I would see the day come. Since the first day we met, he has been leading a lifestyle like a single person! He has been calling me everyday for the past 3 years, mentioned marriage twice and is still calling me everyday now but dare not mentioned marriage... I seriously do not know what he wants out of this relationship and I doubt he knows it too.

I just want it simple; a marriage with kids running around the house... Now, career seems more reliable than marriage to me. His wife seems to be stuck in a loveless marriage and I feel guilty for the kid each time he happily shows me his pictures... Marriage seems like a huge, uncalculated risk and yet, I am so willing to trade freedom for it. Whatever is it for?

This man,is not going to give you anything but continuous heartbreak.

Listen to your mother,her advice is sound.

Find the courage and the strength to leave him,heal and when you are ready,meet someone who is available,honest and a true partner.

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Originally Posted by duna_mis

Thanks everyone for your advice, it is better to have more heads thinking than one. I broke the truth to mom and she is utterly disappointed. She encourages me to have a new focus; find a new hobby, know more friends or help people who are less fortunate than i am.

In all moral and legal senses, I should leave. In matters of the heart and in all honesty, I couldn't do it because I have invested my heart and soul to this one stupid man for the past 3 years and I don't know when I could bring myself to do it...

If I leave now, I'm afriad I will suffer rebound and couldn't imagine what to do with the sudden emptiness. I had a few past relationships with single men but this one impacts me differently.

When asked him why didn't he admit it on the first day we met? He told me he was afraid I would leave him and he intended to keep it from me till the day comes. Right now, I don't even know if I would see the day come. Since the first day we met, he has been leading a lifestyle like a single person! He has been calling me everyday for the past 3 years, mentioned marriage twice and is still calling me everyday now but dare not mentioned marriage...I seriously do not know what he wants out of this relationship and I doubt he knows it too.

I just want it simple; a marriage with kids running around the house... Now, career seems more reliable than marriage to me. His wife seems to be stuck in a loveless marriage and I feel guilty for the kid each time he happily shows me his pictures... Marriage seems like a huge, uncalculated risk and yet, I am so willing to trade freedom for it. Whatever is it for?

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Don't be a fool.

He's a liar and a cheat - rebound sounds like heaven in comparison to what life with him will be like.

It's time to get some self respect and get a reality check - your heart and soul do NOT need a relationship like this. No one's does!

At least be honest with yourself. It's fear that makes you stay, not love.

If you love YOURSELF you'll leave - you condone his dishonest behavior by staying and add to the deceit that involves his wife and children.

Do you really want to continue to live a life that is a lie?