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My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three months, but we've never really talked about our past relationships with each other. I feel that as his girlfriend, I have a right to know his past history, especially his sexual history. For me, it is a big deal if one of my boyfriend's isn't a virgin. I want to find out who he's been with, how far he's gone, etc. How do I do this without feeling like I'm prying into his personal life?
Sorry, if and when you have sex, you should use safety as if he has. But no you don't have a right to know his sexual history, no right at all to know who he has bee with, and how far he has gone.
Perhaps in years to come he may wish to tell you about some of the past, but no, you have a right to know if he has any STD but beyond that, sorry, no.
You can't since this is prying.
You either accept and love him as he is, or honestly you will never have a good long lasting relationship
I don't want to have sex with him... I just want to know where he's coming from. That's all. He knows about some of my exes...
Unknown, how old are the two of you? It's a pretty new relationship to be getting into all that and it sounds like (from what I can gather here) that you are under aged anyway. It especially sounds like that because you expect your boyfriend to be a virgin. Above the age of 18 there are not many who are (with me having been an exception until the ripe age of 23... :()
But I have to agree that you really do not have business knowing any of that information. All you can do is ask him once and if she says he won't tell you or other wise puts the subject off, then that means it is time for you to step off it. Its really not hard to ask those questions, but here is where I think you are coming from. I believe that you may feel insecure about your experience or something to that nature. Are you yourself a virgin? That was soemthing I couldn't figure out from this post. If he said he has been with 50 different women, what would you do? What if he said he doesn't know how to? Or how about if he said, I have been with someone with an STD but my last test said I was negative for it?
I mean you got to know how you react and you got to expect a certain answer from him. So what do you expect him to say? I know you've played through the conversation a thousand times in your head... I do it too. So I'm curious, what does he tell you when you imagine the conversation?
What's wrong with asking him straight up? If he can't answer these types of questions, then you're going to have a tough time having a serious relationship with him.
How old are you?
I'd like to know the ages involved here please.
And I would like to see the statistical data that Larken used when he said that there are not many virgins over the age of 18.
Because I have seen and heard of groups who are committed to abstainance until marriage.
I'm quite sure that there hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of virgins in this age group. I'd like to see that data, surely you are not just speculating especially because you were one yourself.
I think that he'll tell you about himself when he's ready. It's only been 3 months.
You actually don't have 'a right' to know anything about him, unless he's willing to tell you. His sexual past is his business and his alone.
All you can do is tell him about yourself and see how he responds.
Jm, it was a speculation. It is how I have always felt. I always thought that I got an extremely late start compaired to the other men I know. And in most cases they would tell me so, confirming that I was a late starter. Sure there are groups out there such as christians (and others) that hold out for marriage, however I do not believe that outside these bonds that there are many virgins passed the age of 18.
I could be completely wrong, I have no proof of this, I just had always felt left behind. Sorry if I am wrong, but my opinion is that if you have not had sex by 18 you are late. I am not held by such bonds as christians are.
He is 19, I will be 19 in August, and I am a virgin myself still.
When I play it over in my head, I imagine that he'd tell me as much as he wants to.
And now that I've heard your replies, I do see now that it's not a right, it's a priveledge that he will give me if he wants me to know.
We have had a few conversations about this topic, and he didn't say much but we had a conversation. It was grown up and mature, and I don't understand why there aren't more of them?
In time you will open up to each other. It'll seem like you know far too much about him sooner or later lol. But just remember to be patient with him, and he will come around. Eventually you will know every detail of his life.
I work with a 39 year old virgin.Quote:
Originally Posted by Larken85
I play disc golf with a group of younger guys that wear shirts like " "Virginity Rocks!" and " I am saving myself for my wife, and I haven't even meet her yet".
Guys lie about sexual conquests. Always have, always will.
Me, personally, I lost mine on my 16th birthday. I got my driver's license, and took my girlfriend to the drive-in movie.
I practiced safe sex. I had condoms and I locked the doors.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larken85
I don't know where this is coming from. Why do you think OP will eventually know every detail of his life?
I'm married; I've been married before. I didn't expect to know (and don't know) every detail of my husbands' lives.
EDIT: I'm also of the opinion that unless you are VERY prepared for whatever the answer might be, don't ask the question.
That makes sense. Thanks!!
Judy, personally I believe that once married nothing should ever be hidden. No matter how far in the past it was, because your partner should know you better than anyone else has the right to know you. He/She is the one you confide in and trust. Telling your significant other everything about you shows that you trust that person more than anyone.
I believe in a totally open and honest relationship where nothing is hidden. If there is a question it NEEDS to be answered truthfully. That's all there is to it. I don't see the issue with telling your lover your past. Matter of fact I don't see any exclusions to this rule, even rape. Now if she wasn't ready to talk about it that is one thing, but eventually your partner needs to know where you come from and your past defines you so in that I am saying that your partner (expecially your husband) should know exactly who you are.
Of course everyone's relationship is different, you choose to hold things from your husband that you don't deem important enough for him to know, that's just how you like it. That is fine and I wouldn't ever say you should do this or that. In my relationships, I will know everything about a person a long time before I marry them. That's all there is to it. I do not want to marry someone and find out two great years later that she adopted a son out and boom here he is on our door step. Regardless of why he was adopted out, the fact that he was is vital information to know. Reason, it can come back to bite you in the butt. Especially the guy that thinks there are no kids in the relationship. Heck, for some people that would be a definite deal breaker right there.
But that's why I form that opinion. Your past can come back to haunt you and any one of you loved ones, and I personally think that the one you are marrying and spending the rest of your life with should know and be prepared for whatever happens. I can give a much more serious example if you'd like.
Do you understand where I'm coming from?
To unknown, you will get different opinions and different stand points here. That is what this site is for. You ask for advice and you take what is given to heart and mold it into your own opinon, your own coarse of action. It rocks to be able to see what everyone else would do in certain situations, however the fact of that matter is that this is you. Not me, not Judy, nor JM or Gemini, or anyone else for that matter. We are just here to give you totally non-bias judgment on what we would do in a sound mind in the given situation.
Larken,Larken,Larken, If you think that you are going to know EVERYTHING about someone, you're just fooling yourself. If that person choose to share that information, then that's OK. But you are not BUYING that mate, and there is no "Carfacts"-like site for humans.Quote:
Originally Posted by Larken85
And why do you say "especially the husband" and "especially the guy" like we are any different than women in that aspect? You will be attacked by the ladies here for that one. You are on your own.
I agree that all past information that might one day effect the relationship, or might cause harm or grief to your loved one, like past criminal history, or diseases, should be shared. But, I don't want to know the things about my wife that she is uncomfortable with sharing with me. I think that we have openly shared some of the most important things.
Like for instance, my wife knows that I was... well... a little "loose" in my single days. Looking back, I now see that I was a sex addict. She has no desire to know the exact number of partners I have had. Good thing because I never kept "score". She doesn't need to know that I have had carnal knowledge of some of the women that we see at church, the grocery store, the hardware store, etc... She chooses not to know, and I choose not to hurt her feelings that way. All she needs to know is that I am faithful now, and I love her with all my heart. That I would die for her, and our children are first in both of our lives. My family is my life.
Maybe one day you will see what I mean. Or you will make your life miserable with knowledge of things that you cannot go back and change.
To the Op. We never have a "right" to know our mate's past . If they choose to share that information, then that's fine. But if you have a guy that is being secretive, then all you can do is try to earn his trust enough as to know his inner most wants and needs.
The windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror, for a reason.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larken85
No, quite frankly I don't. I've read your other threads and don't know where you are coming from on those threads, either.
You sound like someone with a lot of theories and but no actual life experience.
I had no need to know anything about my husbands' (plural because I was widowed) "past lives." If they wanted to share, fine. If they didn't, fine, too. If there was something serious enough to throw a shadow on the relationship, either from my side or theirs, I knew about it. Otherwise, why would I care how many women they had sex with and why would they care how many men I had sex with? That had nothing to do with our relationship(s).
If they were convicted felons, of course, that I knew because THAT info would throw a shadow on the relationship.
I have nothing in my past that could come back to haunt me but if I did, well, that's a question of telling info that could affect a relationship. I also believe people change, people evolve, different situations cause different actions and reactions. I am not the person I was 20 years ago; my husband is not the person he was 20 years ago. Past lives do NOT define who a person is today.
You sound very idealistic and inexperienced - just my opinion, of course, but I am basing it on what you have posted, not just guessing. How many relationships (that you've been in) are you using to form your theory of open relationships?
They say "what you don't know won't hurt you". Well, if you are walking down a railroad track, and don't know that a train is coming...
THAT is something that you SHOULD know. But short of the train, and things like the train, then just enjoy yourself and move forward.
Just me, until I know someone well enough to let them in my world, I don't tell them a darn thing, because they have to prove that they deserve to know, and a few months doesn't cut it.
I have been married more than 30 years, and still have to make adjustment so we are both comfortable with each other, as we both keep changing and growing.
Relax, and have fun getting to know each other and build a day at a time, as short term personal demands are often the cause of many failed relationships.
He will open up when he is ready so why push?? Rushing to get what you think you want, is often a disaster waiting to happen. I think it much better see how things go. What's the hurry?
I understand now. Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the comments!
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