Hi All, Bit complicated... I have been married 2 yrs (2nd marriage) and feel like I want to run away! He has ex wife and 2 kids and an ex girlfriend with 1kid. Sees 2 kids from ex wife after court battle to get access since he remarried me but doesn't see kid from girlfriend as it would be difficult, though supports also kids as per CSA and spousal maintenance for ex wife. He is MD of his company and met his GF when she worked there. I then worked there so probably heard too much! I left, he split with GF(it had never been an easy relationship and she got pregnant without agreement, said was on pill etc (I know this as she told me at the time) and then we got together. I now work back at his company through his need with various staff changes, but I am retraining to get out of the industry so that I can work in a different industry and have my work separation again. Still going through court battle with ex wife for contact (only temp agreement until court finalises soon) and ex GF has taken him to sml claims court re a car that he was paying HP for and so had to take bk. It has been an unpleasant start to our married life and I have struggled to keep my 2 kids away from this. Thing is... he is way too friendly at work (for an MD) and, as a very private person, I have taught him a lot about keeping our life separate from his staff, this has worked. However there have been times where he has lied (once about a meeting with a recruitment girl where he said his other manager was seeing her and I rang the office about work and he was seeing her) and more recently at an exhibition, we were at a table with staff and customers. I was sat next to him and he lent over me to pass some food to one of the staff to try (young girl) and she was a bit too friendly for my liking. I got very angry and said I wasn't happy with him leaning over me and passing her his food on his fork to try. There was a plateful on the table shecould of tried! He says he didn't think of it... just a staff member trying lobster and I say what message does this give staff after he has had one girlfriend from the company and now married me, an ex employee, though I am sure they all think we were having an affair for years which we weren't (his ex girlfriend has said this in court papers). I do think I am paranoid as I know he isn't doing anything wrong but why doesn't he realise how it looks, especially after the past! Am I paranoid or should he take lessons in what is and isn't appropriate behaviour for a husband and MD!? HELP!

While it does sound like he has a friendly and out-going personality, it also sounds like he crosses some lines without even thinking about them.

Without knowing all of the circumstances, I won't say anything about the meeting. Plans can and do get changed. IF he changed them or there is proof that he out-right lied and was the one scheduled to hold the meeting, then it is another matter. IF he is doing his job, he should not lie about it or be made to feel like he has to lie about it (the paranoia would be thinking that every time he has a meeting with a female that he is crossing personal/professional lines.)

The exhibition is a different matter. Leaning across you to give her food on his fork is crossing all kinds of boundary lines and your personal space.

Is he this personal and friendly with his male employees? If not, then he needs to realize how close to opening himself up to a sexual harassment suit he is treading. He needs to understand that if he wouldn't treat a male employee the way he is a female employee then he needs to change how he treats the female employee.

I think you might want to look into marriage counseling. You both need to learn how to communicate and work together to set marital boundaries for the work place and home. He needs to learn to think before he acts and to understand that his actions may not be taken the way they were meant. You need to realize that he was like this before you met and married him. He wouldn't be the same man you fell in love with if he did completely change his personality.

Thank you, that was really helpful. In terms of the meeting he had lied... he was always the one having the meeting so I was really cross to find that out. Lying is something I hate... I am a very open person and he knows that. He says no one ever said before that how he is is perhaps a little over friendly to employees and he will adjust his behaviour. Trouble is that I have heard it before... and with all the other stuff I have to deal with... his court cases etc. it knocks the love I feel for him. Ah marriage is not easy...

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Originally Posted by dasher

He says no one ever said before that how he is is perhaps a little over friendly to employees and he will adjust his behaviour. Trouble is that I have heard it before....and with all the other stuff I have to deal with...his court cases etc., it knocks the love I feel for him. Ah marriage is not easy.............

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Counseling might help work through the tensions from the court cases, too. It should give you both a bit more outside support so that you can help each other get through this.

It isn't easy but it can be worth the work. Good luck.

I agree with Cat, I think that you need to work on how you communicate with him. Most men just get defensive when you get angry with them and this stops them hearing what you're saying.

As someone that's been head of an organization, I agree with you that his behavior is inappropriate. It sends the wrong message, it's not professional and it's sleazy. I don't care if it's a family type company, someone that is an MD needs to set an example for the rest of the employees.

I suspect that your husband can't help himself and that he finds the attention of these young girls flattering - sadly they probably just gossip about him behind his back. (Offering an employee food off his own fork is just adding to it!)

Talking to him about this when you're calm is a good idea. Talking to him in the presence of a counsellor is an even better idea.

In the end your husband needs to understand that his behavior is bad not only for your marriage, but also for business - that's the bottom line!

When you get married, you establish boundaries of good behavior between you, and talk when the lines are crossed.

Geez but do you really think he would change his whole personality and way of doing things because of your being uncomfortable? You knew how he was so accept some and work on the rest.

Dang, you are the third in a long line of employees, that he has gotten quite serious with, and I would have been too paranoid to get into his drama, but you did, so work with it.

For sure things won't change over night, no matter how paranoid his behavior makes you feel.

Hi All, Tx for the replies. Just a correction I am only the second not the third at company and I had already left before starting a relationship.
We have been to relate counselling but, in all honesty, I have opted to stop, so much of the counselling was about him, his past and how he deals with things that I felt it no use for me. It did allow me to understand how my closing down behaviour made him feel but it hasn't exactly helped him change his behaviour has it?Talaniman you are right... did I think I could change him... well truth was he was different before. I am thinking that I got into his drama without looking at the consequences and now don't want to deal with the drama at all... the court cases with ex wife and girlfriend... his company takes up so much time... the occasional too friendly behaviour with staff (male and female.. I have taught him to keep our business private though and treat them as employees not mates. Where do I go from here, I have no idea. :-)

I think you make adjustments that work for you, and recognize what you can control(YOU), and what you can't(HIM).

For all you see in his changing, its really nothing more than you seeing him more realistically, and learning more about him. The same goes for the way he sees you. So be please express yourself honestly, and openly. So he can learn what you expect, want, and will accept.

I have been MD's wife, (he passed away) I understand the popularity of MD stuff. :)

You married to a flattering MD who has divorced, and has a court battle with ex girlfriend over child custody. He is still flattering to young girls. Your worry is understandable. However, if he was careful man, he would not make his ex girlfriend pregnant from first place. Come on. He is MD, he knows the risk of unprotected sex (from his side). He is care free man, and (I am sorry to say it) but he is well aware of hi s popularity in the company, and trying to enjoy every bit of it. His passing food over you was actually pushing you to edge, but he did not think it would be a big deal.

You have options to change your marriage.

Option 1 is keep being pissed off, paranoid, and nagging him to change himself for you. I do not think it will work very well. We cannot change others for our convenience. Also you can easily make yourself argumentic, turn him off and make both of you unhappy.

Option 2 is only your option. You need to open your mind, separate his court battle from your mind. I know it is easy to say but difficult to do it. He is suffering from his past mistake now, the good news, it is not actually threatening you marriage. He is suffering of the consequences of his past mistake long before he was serious about you. Be happy, He married you not the ex girlfriend with the baby. Yes, the court battle is ugly and stressful , but the person who has to suffer THE MOST is your husband not you. He has to deal with for his rest of life. He is a poor man even though he is smiling MD!

Have full sympathy for him, team up with him, and be a good, wise and supportive wife. That's what the marriage about. It is not worth to be resentful over his past. You knew it, and you accepted it. Didn't you feel lucky when the popular MD proposed you? Now you are his wife, and you pass the GF stage, and his wife. Act like wife. Were you upset when he fed a young girl with his fork? You were there next him, so you should ask him you fed you too playfully. Or you could fed him with your fork while nobody could dare to do it. No sweat. No damage is done in your marriage, he did not cheat on you. Tell him playfully, he should act more formally at work. He is there for work, not for making friends.

Happy wife makes happy marriage. You are his trophy now. Be positive, and brighten up your spirit by focusing on your happiness with your husband. He is all yours. Think who he is sleeping with every night. Allow him to flatter with young girl over food in the staff meeting. Not a big deal.

If I am you, I rather use full of my energy to fight for husband, and protect your asset from this court battle. I hope his ex girlfriend does not rip off your husband too much.