Multiple threads merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

About a week ago, my boyfriend of close to seven months and I broke up. We got into an argument over how I wanted to be treated better, and he said he can't do that right now. He then suggested that we just spend some time apart so he can spend some time alone and with some friends because he doesn't know about anything right now and he is unhappy. Hurt and confused, I told him that I was hoping he wasn't considering this a break and that a break is not what I want. I told him that if he wanted a break, then I would be considered single. He did not seem to disagree with this and said we should still talk and be friends during our time apart. Our conversation eventually led to a complete break up with him saying he needs to think about things and that for now he wants to be single, mentioning that he doesn't know about the future. Well, I tried talking to him a few times, since he wanted to stay in contact. I asked him if his feelings for me have completely changed and his response was that he doesn't know, he doesn't know anything right now. And that he needs time. I am extremely hurt because I thought we were so in love and did not see anything like this coming. Our time together was most of the time amazing and he was the closest person to me in my life and he had mentioned this before as well. I've never felt this way with anyone before. What is the best thing to do and does it seem that this is over for good and he just doesn't want to say it? Breaking up wasn't even his idea, and I wish I would have gone with my first suggestion. I have already told him this and right now I'm basically being ignored by him, he won't answer any of my questions. Please help me because I can not stop thinking about it and I am deeply hurt. :confused:

I would immediate stop questioning the relationship. Lay low for awhile, and don't push him. It's only seven months which isn't that long. Maybe he thought he was getting too close and now he is backing off. I would kind of do my own thing right now, and the worst thing you can do to someone is drill them and try to find out why. He probably himself doesn't even know why. Cold feet perhaps, a relationship before that he hasn't gotten over and is still hurting from. Give him his space right now, that is what he needs. Maybe in time he will come around, if its meant to be.Good luck.

I think you are over for good. Here are my reasons:
1. You tell him to treat you better. You want him to change, and he doesn't want to.
2. He says he wants to spend time apart because he is now unhappy. (how would you feel if your loved one wanted to change you?) You tell him that if it's a break, then you are now "single."
3. When he says he wants to be single too (he's actually agreeing with you, because you suggested it... see #2) You are hurt by this.
4. You say you never felt this way with anyone before, yet you tell him to treat you better.

I think he's enjoying his time away from you. When you ask him a question and he tells you he doesn't know, you put words in his mouth and then answer your own questions and when he agrees, you are hurt by it. Can you blame him for not wanting to talk to you?

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Originally Posted by makapuu

I think you are over for good. Here are my reasons:
1. You tell him to treat you better. You want him to change, and he doesn't want to.
2. He says he wants to spend time apart because he is now unhappy. (how would you feel if your loved one wanted to change you?) You tell him that if it's a break, then you are now "single."
3. When he says he wants to be single too (he's actually agreeing with you, because you suggested it...see #2) You are hurt by this.
4. You say you never felt this way with anyone before, yet you tell him to treat you better.

I think he's enjoying his time away from you. When you ask him a question and he tells you he doesn't know, you put words in his mouth and then answer your own questions and when he agrees, you are hurt by it. Can you blame him for not wanting to talk to you?

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Well, it is difficult when someone will not tell you if you should move on for good or not. Why wouldn't he tell me he doesn't have feelings for me anymore if we're not maintaining any kind of relationship/friendship anyway? The reason is he unhappy is not because of our relationship, it is because of some events that have taken place in his life recently. Not sure if that changes anything.

The closure should be given to you by yourself. You shouldn't wait around and hope that it's going to be better. I think he made it pretty clear that it is over and that you are not going to go back together. You cannot see that because you are in shock and you have a lot of emotions running around. Now you need time to heal and take care of yourself.

I didn't even need to finish reading your question. Red flag #1: you wanted to be treated better and he told you he can't right now. I can't think of any excuse for not treating someone well. Not when its someone you're supposed to care about. And if you're dating someone you should care about them. You shouldn't even have to be asking this guy to treat you better.
Then, you guys go from a break to completely breaking up. It's over. And you can do better. You can find a guy who treats you right without you having to ask.

If there are events in his life that are making him unhappy then why doesn't he want you there for support? Why is he pushing you away? I think him saying its OK for you to act single is his way of saying move on and find someone else. He maybe doesn't want to hurt you saying straight out that its over. Maybe he is hoping you will find someone and just get over him so he isn't the bad guy.

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Originally Posted by jmp421075

.... Why wouldn't he tell me he doesn't have feelings for me anymore if we're not maintaining any kind of relationship/friendship anyways?...

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If you could just take a step back and put yourself in his position. You ask him a question and he doesn't know the answer. You then keep drilling him until he can't stand it anymore.

You suggested the break. You suggested that you are now single. You keep asking him questions that he can't answer, and you go off on some "he doesn't have feelings for me anymore" tangent. You sunk your own ship.

Yes, I think he has broken up with you. Sometimes people call it a "break" to spare the other's feelings - but everyone would be better off if the truth were spoken.

Break ups are hard and they hurt. However, he was not the right person for you. He was not treating you properly, which is why you asked him to treat you better. If he is unable to treat you better and you stay with him, then you are settling. No one should settle. There is someone out there who is better for you than he is. When you find him, you will not have to ask him to treat you better - he will treat you well because he wants to.

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Originally Posted by jmp421075

About a week ago, my boyfriend of close to seven months and I broke up. We got into an argument over how I wanted to be treated better, and he said he can't do that right now.

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What do you mean by "treat you better"? Is he abusing you, or do you want him to wait on you hand-and-foot and shower you with lavish gifts? I tend to think it's the latter because abusers will never initiate a break-up.

And if that's the case, then the relationship is done for good.

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Originally Posted by makapuu

If you could just take a step back and put yourself in his position. You ask him a question and he doesn't know the answer. You then keep drilling him until he can't stand it anymore.

You suggested the break. You suggested that you are now single. You keep asking him questions that he can't answer, and you go off on some "he doesn't have feelings for me anymore" tangent. You sunk your own ship.

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I actually only had asked him once. And haven't talked to him since. So you have the situation wrong.

Even if someone got a few details of the situation wrong, the bottom line seems to be that the relationship is over.

I know all too well what you're feeling. Its awful. I flat out challenge my ex girlfriend that this wasn't cutting it for me, you're not treating me well at all or like I deserve or remotely close to the way I was treating her. LOVE is supposed to go both ways naturally, without asking. She couldn't give me what I deserve so she broke up with me; it sucks, but I know I deserve better than that. I'm finding it easier to get over her knowing she wasn't up to the standard I was setting in our relationship

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Well, it is difficult when someone will not tell you if you should move on for good or not.

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Why can't you make your own decision to end this, and move beyond his confusion? Why are you stuck on him calling the shots of this relationship? Why are you waiting on him to make a move?

Thats the problem, your not making ANY decisions for yourself. Leave him, and his confusion alone, and love yourself enough to keep your dignity and self respect, by being responsible for your own happiness.

Then there will be no confusion, and you will know to heal, and move on. It's that simple, so stop making it so hard, and expect him to be working with you. He ain't!

He's ignoring you. I say its over for now. Keep moving on with your life.

Threads merged

I posted a few days ago wondering if me and my boyfriend were done for good. What happened was out of nowhere he told me he wanted to hang out with his friend for a few days, and I should do the same. Basically, suggesting a break. I said no because I don't believe in taking breaks, and told him I would be here if he needed me. He blamed it on being unhappy, needing time to think, and wanting to be alone. Well, two torturous weeks have gone by. All I could think about was how I lost someone I loved so much, hoping he would come back to me. We were close, eachother's best friends. Well, I discovered today, that this all happened because he is seeing his ex girlfriend. I am in shock, disbelief, and I am so hurt. He constantly talked about how his last relationship was doomed from the start, but he still left me to try and make things work with her. Please help me. I feel so betrayed and alone.

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I am in shock, disbelief, and I am so hurt.
I feel so betrayed and alone

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It is normal to feel this way under these circumstances. With time the feeling of betrayal will fade and you will be able to see things for what they really are. As for the alone part you need to turn to friends and relatives and be around people you feel comfortable with. What I learnt from my own experience is that no one is really alone. There are loads of people that are willing to help and this forum is a shining example of this. You can come here and vent whenever you feel down and people will help you see the real picture.

Life is a series of experiences, so I would suggest you accept this as another experience, learn from it but do not try to make sense out because it will only lead to more confusion and prolong the recovery.

I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm sure you must be hurting. At least you were smart enough to not fall into the "break" period and still think you were together, then it would hurt even more.

Try not to start questioning his motives, why he is back with her, why would he leave you, etc. You had your doubts about this relationship. It was only 7 months. Be happy this didn't drag on for longer and even more of your emotions were invested in this guy. He obviously doesn't care for you as deeply as you did him, so first remind yourself of that.

Start to think about your own life and what you deserve next time around. You know he didn't emotionally fulfill your needs, you questioned him about it previously. You want someone who is more open with their emotions and tells you what you need to hear. Notice how I keep saying YOU... remember you?

Realize that he is not coming back and be happy he isn't stringing you along. If you read other posts in here you will learn that these exes string people along the entire time and make things worse.

You need to heal, so let yourself do that. Do not contact him... he will not give you the answers you seek. Move on with your life, start NC, write a list out of things you want to do to self-improve. Seek out ways to make you happy without him in your life. And if you need to vent, we're always here :D

Sounds like you are in control. You realize that breaks is like taking a bunch of steps backwards in a relationship and that it almost never ends well.

You can view this is two ways:

1) He had the courtesy of asking for a break, so that there are no strings attached with you, so that he doesn't have to cheat on you while he's hanging out with his ex and trying to rekindle the relationship.

2) He's using you as a backup. While he's out there trying to fix things with his ex, he has you as his safety net. When all else fails, he can come crawling back to you. But who's to say he will stop with his ex. What if things don't work out for his ex? He can go back to you, or he can go try things out with another girl.

I'm highly leaning towards possibility 2). If he ever comes crawling back, you can demand whatever you want, because the trust is really shaken and he's going to have to earn it back. If you're not satisfied with his progress, then you can dump him. Or, you can forget him now and move on with your life. Either way, you're in control of the situation. So keep your head up. Things aren't so bad!

Have more self-esteem and self-respect. You don't need to put yourself through that type of torture.

Check out this thread on no contact, it might help you out: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-351302.html

I am sorry this happened to you . No one deserves that to happen . He should have been more of a man about it and just told you the truth he was man enough to do it ! Aught to be man enough to fess up!

Think about it I know you are hurting now , but it is better you found out now just what kind of character he was made of , before there were more serious connections made like marriage or children!

This man playing juvenile games with you is unacceptable and I hope you tell him exactly what he needs to be told .

Keep your head up and don't let him get you down. Remember save your energy , and emotions for someone who is worth them.