Ask Me Help Desk - Ex messing with my head..

lol k so this might be long but ill try and cram everything in.

I'm a young guy, 18. About 7 months ago I met my now, ex.. At first I thought she was just really attractive but after talking to her I really fell for her and I think she fell for me. I hadn't really been in serious relationship before her... So a lot of my firsts as far as love and relationships go, they were with her.

The first 4 months were great.. Really passionate, spontaneity filled relationship. We spent all our time together almost. I don't think I was ever so happy.. Through this time I noticed she was kind of a jealous girl. So had to distance myself from my friends and certainly any female friends I had. At the time it didn't matter because all day every day I wanted to be with her. Picnics in the park.. Traveling all over the place. Or just chilling at her house. I guess what I'm getting at is.. She was my first love so she was everything to me...

Umm so right around Christmas, 4 an a half months into our relationship. All of a sudden she's never home.. She won't take my calls. Doesn't respond to my emails. So naturally I go.. She needs some space so I step back. But then she freaks out on me about not caring about her and hurting her feelings an I don't love her and stuff.. So she wanted me to chase her around while she ignored me. I was still in love and I didn't see it as the vindictive mean thing that it was. So I kept chasing her while she ignored me again.

Things were falling apart. We saw each other like 1 time a week now and she would tell me lie after lie about why she can't spend time with me. I tried breaking up like a dozen times but she would just start to cry an tell me how much she loved me. So eventually I said no more lies. Where are you going, why are you ignoring me.. I want the truth or I'm leaving. So she told me that she was spending time with her sick aunt, helping her do stuff etc... I believed her.

Things got worse and worse. Then one day I ran into her sister at the mall. I mentioned what she had told me to her sister. And with the expression on her sisters face I knew it was another lie. She wouldn't tell me right away but after a little harassment her sister told me the truth. My ex was cheating on me with the guy she had dated before me. I was crushed. I felt like I couldn't breathe for days. Finally I called her. She didn't answer of coarse. But I left a message on her machine saying "I talked to ****, had a real interesting conversation" in a mean tone. Not a minute later she calls me back and I confronted her. She tried to lie again. But when I didn't budge she got angry with me and told me that she was at his house right now, then she told me what they had just gotten done doing sexually. I thought I was going to explode... I said some really mean things to her. She did the same to me. It was over.

So over the next 2 weeks or so I'm still furious and the anger is holding my life together. After that everything fell apart. I was devastated, couldn't believe someone I loved so much would hurt me like that and not even blink an eyelash. Quit my job. Slept in my room all day, every day. I admit I'm a pretty emotional guy.. But that feeling I had for a month after I stopped being angry at her... I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Anyway I started to feel better in late February. Kind of said I got along before without her. I might as well try doing it again. I needed to apologize for saying the things I did to her. Because that wasn't me. She woke up something in me that really scared me actually. So I called her and said sorry. She said sorry as well. Then she started sniffing about if I was seeing anyone or not. I just made an excuse on why I had to go. All the garbage she put me through and when she did that I still wanted her back.

Ever since, a few times a week she will send me an email or a text saying she's thinking about me and talks about the good times we had an stuff.. An that's been going on for months now. Because of this I still think about her every day. I know she's seeing other guys. I know what she is now. I found out later on that she was talking to 2-3 other guys at the same time she was juggling me and her ex. So I know talking to her is a mistake.. But it still hurts so bad.

It's not just that. The lifestyle we had together wasn't the best. Its hard to me to live the life I want to live. She made me loose a lot of my friends. And after the breakup it only got worse. I don't have a lot of confidence right now. I'm doing my best to get a job and try and salvage what's left of my social life. But everything feels awkward an just out of sinc.. Idk Sucks though...

Anyway anyone been through anything like this? Advice?

STOP TALKING TO HER! That's the advice you need to follow. She can't screw with your mind if you don't let her talk to you. Break ups are hard, why make it worse by continuing to talk to the person who broke it

It you leave her alone, and stop all contact with her whatsoever, you will eventually get over this experience, and get your confidence, and your life back!

Have nothing more to do with the ex.

Concentrate on getting a job and getting your life back on track.

Take care.

You need to get your life back without her.

* Get a new job

* Start running around with your friends again.

* Change your phone number and e-mail address so she can't contactl you.

It'll be tough, but whenever you start to think about her, focus on the reasons you aren't with her (her lies, deception).

Yeah you guys are right for sure. Its tough lol. I guess it was kind of nice hearing from her, made me feel good that she still wanted me around. But I just have to remind myself that the love feeling will come around again. Never felt it with anyone else yet an I think that's is the reason I even take her bait when she talks to me. But for sure it stops now I'm going to go block her from my email and my phone and just try and put my focus somewhere else.

Thanks for the advice everyone :).

Blooooper7 - I really think that you would benefit reading my post - he lies about everything. I was in a very similar position to yours and received so much help and support from everyone on here. The best bit of advice was... that he was messing with my head because I let him mess with my head. I would, like I have done after many failed attempts may I add, just walk away and re build your life. The other person seems like they just want to play mind games with you and that is childish and unfair xxx

She only wants you around for when she has no one else around. This girl is poison.
Block her from anything she could use to contact you. The longer you don't have contact, the sooner you will feel better.

Thanks for the posts :).

Umm yah louise it was a really similar situation you were in. They are head games and I knew that as soon as she started playing them. I left out some things like she would deliberately flirt with other guys in front of me just to see what I would do. I just didn't react like a dog because I knew that's what she wanted... Well until I found out she cheated that is.. I know it doesn't matter.. But she started acting like that all of a sudden out of no where.. As far as I know I didn't do anything to change how she felt about me. It was night an day right out of the blue. And I do wonder why.. But I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

The info on this site helps so much its unreal.. lol This is kind of my first hard breakup so it helps a lot.

I'm glad my post helped you, it's a long thread but worth reading it all, I fell off the band wagon so many time and just ended up back at square one and regretted contacting him every time!! No doubt he will contact me again but I won't answer as I'm moving on and that is what you need to do and stop giving her your precious time. Remember that you only get one shot at life - good luck and be strong xxx

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

im glad my post helped you, its a long thread but worth reading it all, i fell off the band wagon so many time and just ended up back at square one and regretted contacting him everytime !!!!! no doubt he will contact me again but I wont answer as im moving on and that is what you need to do and stop giving her your precious time. Remember that you only get one shot at life - good luck and be strong xxx

For sure that's what I have to do. I read your whole thread and it blew me away how similar things were with what I'm going through now. Crazy lol..

Anyway I guess there's something else I can ask people here. I've been going through this for like a month and a half now.. Like a vicious circle over and over. I keep doing the same thing to try and get her out of my head.. I've been in sports my entire life up until last year so I made a goal of really increasing my fitness level even higher then it already is. I lift weights for 3 hours every other day and take my dog for a long walk through the neighborhood every night. Gained 3 pounds of muscle and the long walks really help.

But I feel kind of trapped. Since the breakup half our friends sided with her and the other half with me. Its basically guys with me, girls with her with the exception of a few. But I'm only really friends with a few. I try to hang out with them but they either have to work/school all the time or they have their girlfriends with them. And me sitting there alone it really bugs me. It makes me want to just hook up with any girl but I know that's unfair to whoever she might be because I'm still hung up on my ex. So some way I have to find a happy medium..

So naturally I figured I'd go get a new job.. Meet some new people etc.. Build my confidence.. But the job hunt isn't going so well for whatever reason. And I'm taking school classes online there so that doesn't really keep me busy. And without money it really limits me. So I feel really trapped..

Anyone felt like that after breaking up? Cause that's exactly where I am right now..

It's probably not as bleak as I'm making it out to be but yah..

I'm glad my post helped you hun. Im still raw but like me you will get through this and come out stronger. I too am in the same situation as you, I have a degree and a Masters degree and now too qualified too get a job I'm told. This didn't help me as it left me with a lot of time on my hands dwelling. So I took another course in Marketing and am going back to uni in Sept for a change of direction. You need to keep busy, taking your dog is a good way and what I do as well.

Please don't break the NC what ever you do, you will regret it in the end and will end up at square one. Keep your dignity and self respect and keep busy and away from the ex xxx

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

im glad my post helped you hun. Im still raw but like me you will get through this and come out stronger. I too am in the same situation as you, i have a degree and a Masters degree and now too qualified too get a job im told. This didnt help me as it left me with alot of time on my hands dwelling. So I took another course in Marketing and am going back to uni in Sept for a change of direction. You need to keep busy, taking your dog is a good way and what I do as well.

Please dont break the NC what ever you do, you will regret it in the end and will end up at square one. Keep your dignity and self respect and keep busy and away from the ex xxx

Change of direction. I like that. I guess that's how I can look at this positively. It forces me to work on the person I want to be rather then the safe (scared of change) guy that has the same friends with the same things and the same girl in the same place. I never wanted to be like that... Maybe now this forces me to work on being someone with a more fulfilling life.

But on the other hand there's the rotten feeling of wondering where she is and what she's doing and with who..

But NC has been I guess 3 days if you don't count the time I checked her Facebook... What a foolish thing to do that was.. Won't do that again.

Try finding a new hobby-do something you have never done before.

Try volunteering,helping others is a great thing.

And of course stay off Fb and stick to NC.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

Try finding a new hobby-do something you have never done before.

Try volunteering,helping others is a great thing.

And of course stay off Fb and stick to NC.

Thanks for the post amicon.

Yeah I'm going to try shaking things up a little bit tonight.. Maybe it will help me some.

I blocked her from my cell and email.. But this morning she called my home phone.. I told my family that if she calls I'm not here.. So I hope it holds.. Doing my best not to react to it.

I know I shouldn't be sitting here thinking.. But I am.. Is it normal to feel like its my fault she cheated? I know she kept me along for like 2 months while doing it behind my back. But I don't know what I did. I was nothing but nice and caring.. yet I still made a real effort to keep everything exciting. Just don't know..

Normal to feel like that?

Oh and no one was home at the time so I dodged her call.. So still going good with NC.

Cheating is never a proper behavior for anything, when all she had to do was end it with you and done whatever she wanted, with whom ever she wanted.

Cheaters are selfish liars, who care only for themselves, so don't feel you pushed her into anything. She did so because she wanted to, and felt entitled to.

End of story, be glad she is gone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Cheating is never a proper behavior for anything, when all she had to do was end it with you and done whatever she wanted, with whom ever she wanted.

Cheaters are selfish liars, who care only for themselves, so don't feel you pushed her into anything. She did so because she wanted to, and felt entitled to.

End of story, be glad she is gone.

Yeah I know its selfish for sure.. But It's a rejecting feeling that she would feel that way towards me.. I know there was a time when she respected me and wouldn't do things to hurt me. It just kind of feels like I wasn't good enough or whatever? Crappy crappy feeling.

I know she's selfish and manipulative and vindictive.. I didn't see that for a long time. But what made it OK for her to all of a sudden treat me that way? Keep blaming myself..

And sorry to double post again.. But a little more info.

She used to tell me about an a hole she dated who treated her like crap. She had an abortion with him when she was 17. Wouldn't tell me who he was because "it didn't matter hes out of her life". Turns out the ex she went back to was the same guy. And I met him a number of times when I was dating her at parties we went to. He was in her "group of friends". He was a prick for sure. But she managed to hide the fact that she was never out of contact with him. And she goes back to him over and over again for over 5 years now..

You were not rejected, you were betrayed, and lied to. Big difference. You gave your heart to someone that didn't deserve it. Learn the lesson and move on, beyond this situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You were not rejected, you were betrayed, and lied to. Big difference. You gave your heart to someone that didn't deserve it. Learn the lesson and move on, beyond this situation.

Thanks talaniman you're right.

She found out I blocked her today and she's lying and talking s**t about me apparently... I told my friend I don't care and I don't want to hear anything about her anymore. So I'm sure that will get around to her. It will take time but she will leave me alone soon. Even though it doesn't feel like what I want. It's the right thing to do right?

So first things first, get my life back on track.. But then what. How do I trust the next girl in my life? Cause I tell you right now the last thing I want to do is let myself be vulnerable to anyone.. The sad thing I think is because of this experience my outlook on relationships has matured kind of. I don't get anything from one night stands or 2 week flings like I used to.

Dude why worry about how someone else is? You always have a choice as long as you are honest, and keep your dignity, and self respect, which is when you are confident enough to stand up for yourself and do whatever it takes to protect yourself. Confident happy people don't accept bad or poor behavior and have no problem letting someone know when they have crossed the line, or taking the appropriate actions for themselves, that include walking away from an unrepentant NOG HEAD, or a DISLOYAL partner.