There is a woman that I like very much who works in my local pub. We have got quite close in the last couple of months. She always looks pleased to see me and smiles and her eyes sparkle. She laughs at my jokes and says I make her laugh. For my birthday recently she sent me a phone text, message on Facebook and a card and bought me 2 drinks on the till roll at work, besides the ones she buys me when she is not working. I don't think she buys many other"customers" drinks. I am gay, but I don't know if she knows I am, although I wear rainbow jewellery, I don't know if she is, I know she had relationships with men, but not seeing any one now, but then I was married! I don't think she is homophobic as I did some work for her at her house and we were watching a programme about a couple who were both wanting sex changes to change to the other sex and she said what if they had the sex changes and then they regretted it. It didn't seem to gross her out. One night she was working and I was the last one at the bar and she told me I didn't need to hurry my drink as she still had a lot to do and she would give me a lift home. After she finished we had a drink together and she drove me home. She has gone away on holiday and asked me to feed her cat, even though there are two friends of hers who live in the same street who could feed her cat. a) Do you think she could be in the closet B) Could she fancy or like me? A lesbian friend of mine who is "out" thinks if a woman fancies another woman she will let her know but not everyone is "out". Please help. Other people have said "just ask her" but to me its not that simple

She might just like you as a friend... without it meaning more.

I'd take it as that unless she presents more. That way in case that's all there is you don't "lose face" or push her away. And if in fact there might be... let her take that first step.

I'm a straight guy so I don't have to work around the "how out" issue that you might be dealing with... but I'm pretty certain if a person did all the things you said she was doing... at the very least she's seeming to try to make you more than a casual acquaintance. She's not keeping you are arms length and seems to be giving you opportunities to maybe take a leap of faith...

But, of course, all the above could be nothing more than that... a friendship... like smoothy said.

You know you aren't going to know without stepping into her world more and giving her opportunities to engage you... I'm not one for pretense... I just don't have the patience for it. I like reality... or at least to know whatever it is, even if its not my wish. Its probably why I've tended to date women who were assertive and direct.

So... define the risks here... she maybe doesn't know... do others in your circle at the bar? I guess what I'm wondering is how out are you? Are you concerned about any issue with others finding out? Because if there isn't, then id step a little closer if you are willing to do that no matter what her position is... just a friend or more... no expectations or conditions.

Any chance to invite her to meet with you or join you outside the bar circle? Find something going on and toss it out there? She seems to be offering some openings for you... have you extended her any?

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Originally Posted by kp2171

im a straight guy so i dont have to work around the "how out" issue that you might be dealing with... but im pretty certain if a person did all the things you said she was doing... at the very least she's seeming to try to make you more than a casual acquaintance. shes not keeping you are arms length and seems to be giving you opportunities to maybe take a leap of faith...

but, of course, all the above could be nothing more than that... a friendship... like smoothy said.

you know you arent going to know without stepping into her world more and giving her opportunities to engage you... im not one for pretense... i just dont have the patience for it. i like reality... or at least to know whatever it is, even if its not my wish. its probably why ive tended to date women who were assertive and direct.

so... define the risks here... she maybe doesnt know... do others in your circle at the bar? i guess what im wondering is how out are you? are you concerned about any issue with others finding out? because if there isnt, then id step a little closer if you are willing to do that no matter what her position is... just a friend or more... no expectations or conditions.

any chance to invite her to meet with you or join you outside the bar circle? find something going on and toss it out there? she seems to be offering some openings for you... have you extended her any?

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Other people in the bar know I am gay and one in particular says things to me, not nastily and sometimes when she is nearby, but I don't know if she has heard any of these comments, I think she has.

When was the last time you were in a real relationship with anyone?

I was reading your question from last year (July and repeated in November) about an older woman you were 'in love with' and whether you should approach her or not because you didn't know how she would take it. I am concerned that you are falling into a pattern of over-thinking the meaning behind certain people's actions.

By over-thinking and analyzing her actions and what she means, you are giving yourself a chance to fantasize and dream about what-ifs. I think you may be attracted to 'possibility' to the point where the knowing either way is a let down. 'Possibilities' are also about protecting yourself. If you don't put yourself out, you can't be hurt.

The only way you will ever know what she thinks or feels is to ask her. Talk to her, bring up the subject of same sex dating, and go from there.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

When was the last time you were in a real relationship with anyone?

I was reading your question from last year (July and repeated in November) about an older woman you were 'in love with' and whether you should approach her or not because you didn't know how she would take it. I am concerned that you are falling into a pattern of over-thinking the meaning behind certain people's actions.

By over-thinking and analyzing her actions and what she means, you are giving yourself a chance to fantasize and dream about what-ifs. I think you may be attracted to 'possibility' to the point where the knowing either way is a let down. 'Possibilities' are also about protecting yourself. If you don't put yourself out, you can't be hurt.


The only way you will ever know what she thinks or feels is to ask her. Talk to her, bring up the subject of same sex dating, and go from there.

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Are you American? It seems like you guys come straight out and ask people if they are gay at the nod of a hat, on some of the websites I have visited. Some Brits are not like that, I have not even told my oldest (ie friends I have known the longest) that I am gay and I don't know if my parents even know. I think if I DO put myself out, I WILL be hurt. I am in a real quandry (british for mess). On one hand I want certain people to know I am gay, because then I may stand a better chance of being with someone, but I don't want people to know if they are going to be bigoted.

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Originally Posted by Lizziejill

Are you American? It seems like you guys come straight out and ask people if they are gay at the nod of a hat, on some of the websites I have visited. Some Brits are not like that, I have not even told my oldest (ie friends I have known the longest) that I am gay and I dont know if my parents even know. I think if I DO put myself out, I WILL be hurt. I am in a real quandry (british for mess). On one hand I want certain people to know I am gay, cos then I may stand a better chance of being with someone, but I dont want people to know if they are going to be bigoted.

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Last time I was in a relationship was when I was married (big mistake). 8 years ago we separated. Do you think I read too much into what a "friend" is doing or saying. I don't analyse evertyhing with every female friend.

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Originally Posted by Lizziejill

Are you American? It seems like you guys come straight out and ask people if they are gay at the nod of a hat, on some of the websites I have visited. Some Brits are not like that, I have not even told my oldest (ie friends I have known the longest) that I am gay and I dont know if my parents even know. I think if I DO put myself out, I WILL be hurt. I am in a real quandry (british for mess). On one hand I want certain people to know I am gay, cos then I may stand a better chance of being with someone, but I dont want people to know if they are going to be bigoted.

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It isn't so much that we will ask directly, but in a situations on this board it is helpful to know everything when giving opinions and advice with respect to sexuality. Being homosexual has a severe impact on your sexuality and the advice give for some facets of a person's sexuality and the situation that is asked about.

One fun thing about the internet, you can be as honest as you want to be with the anonymity. You can tell us things that you wouldn't dream of telling anyone you know.

It is hard to know what message she is intending to send to you. Should could be sending unintentional attraction signals, or they could be fully intentional. As Cat suggested. Talk to her. It is the only way to know for certain.

Also Quandary is a word used all across the Americas. Surprisingly enough, quandary also means mess over here. :)

Here's the thing: You cannot control how other people act or think. You can ONLY control how you act (react) and think.

If you're not "out"---well, then, no one can be bigoted toward you. No one can set you up with their friends, either, to see if it would work out.

No one will be cruel to you because you're gay if they don't know--just cruel to you for being single, or short, or having purple hair (or whatever--not judging you as a type, just giving random examplse).

How can someone possibly get to know you if you're not honest about who you are? You don't have to shout it from the rooftops, but you shouldn't have to hide it, either.

I'm the direct type, myself. If I am interested in someone, I ask them out--something simple, one-on-one, perhaps a cup of coffee or tea, perhaps a walk in a sculpture garden or museum or whatever. An outing where you can talk and get to know each other in a one-on-one setting. If it goes well, you ask that person out again. At some point, you let the person know you fancy them, and ask how they feel about it.

If they really ARE a good friend, they won't drop you even if they aren't interested. If they aren't a good friend, well--what's the loss?

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Originally Posted by Synnen

If they really ARE a good friend, they won't drop you even if they aren't interested. If they aren't a good friend, well--what's the loss?

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Absolutely! We find few enough true friends in this life, with or without benefits. This lady wants to be friends, at least. If something more develops later, wonderful. If not, you have a friend.

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Originally Posted by Catsmine

Absolutely! We find few enough true friends in this life, with or without benefits. This lady wants to be friends, at least. If something more develops later, wonderful. If not, you have a friend.

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I have a new development with this lady. I posted on Facebook that nobody sent me messages, so nobody loves me. Some of my cousins, neices etc replied that they do, and so did she and she said she absolutely loves my company, I have a great personality and a wicked sense of humour and make her laugh. I wrote back how much wine had she been drinking and she said none.