My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years. I am 29 and he is 42 and he has just recently (in the last year) accepted the age difference. The first half of our relationship was spent trying to prove to him that I am not a cheater (he caught his wife of 17 years cheating on him) and listening to him tell me that as long as I didn't gain any more weight we would be fine (at the time I was literally 135lbs and I'm not quite 5'2-a far cry from fat especially with my body type-I'm a curvy girl, shaped like an hourglass where his ex wife was 80 lbs and shaped like a 12 year old boy). Then there were the times where he would just disappear, out of nowhere, wouldn't return my calls, nothing. This would go on for about a week at a time and then he would be back as if nothing were wrong. His reasonings were that he 'needed to think.' He broke up me several times, then would call me as if everything were fine. My 2 kiddos and I moved in with him and his 12 year old daughter (who was awesome) in Oct of '07 and it was awful and very stupid on my part, for thinking that if we lived together maybe things would be different. He would complain that I never cooked (he wouldn't know, he was always out drinking). He would get mad about the dumbest things (the kids dropping the phone, not dusting the house, etc) and would give us the silent treatment for days at a time. I eventually moved back to my home in Aug of '08 and that's when things really became bad. He would tell me he didn't want to be with me, to go find someone my own age, that he was going to date other people and 2 days later it was a total switch. He wanted to be with me, just wanted it to be me and him, la la la, and then 'bam,' right back to the whole 'go find someone else' thing. So in November of '08 I did 'go find someone my age.' It didn't last long and as much as I wanted to have feelings for this guy all I could think about was Tim :( In May of '09 after 6 months of not hearing anything from Tim, he unexpectedly text me. I was very excited and nervous because this time around he seemed so different. He apologized for the way that he had treated me, told me how wrong he had been, told me he loved me (which was huge because he had never told me that he loved me before). So we are still together and things have kind of fallen back into what they were. The only differences are that now there are no more weight comments (he's gained 50 lbs) and he actually tells me he loves me. I went out with my sister for her Birthday this last weekend and now he has started to ask me if my ex was there, if anyone hit on me, and when I tell him no he acts as though he doesn't believe me. This is about enough to give me a complex and I obviously already have plenty. I really couldn't tell you why I stay with this guy. I know when we were broken up I literally felt as though I were going to die with out him. It's a horrible, scary feeling. I'm sure another part of me is afraid to be alone but the biggest, scariest part for me is 'What if I make the wrong decision?' He is so self-righteous, judgemental, rude... Yes, there is a sweet side, but it doesn't come out much. Yes, we can talk about anything and everything except when I want to talk to him about issues in our relationship, then he doesn't want to talk... What is wrong with me?? Why can't I let go?

There is nothing wrong with you except that you are putting up with behaviour which is disrespectful, insulting and just plain unacceptable.

Someone who loves you loves you as you are, not conditional on your weight or cooking ability.

To be honest, it's clear you don't love him either. You've described him as rude, self-righteous, judgemental, drinks too much, disappears for weeks on end, randomly angry etc. Really, you don't even like him, even if he has a sweet side.

If you are seriously planning to spend a significant part of your life with a man, he'd better be your best friend as well as the man you love. He isn't.

I think your boyfriend is insecure and has definite control issues. Age aside for a minute NO one should be in a relationship if they have to control the other person.

I think you need to end it, as he is acting like a very overprotective FATHER rather than a boyfriend. How does your parents view this relationship and has your own father ever controlled you in this way at all in your life?

We have one life and so I think he would be much better off with someone nearer his own age, however he knows for sure he wouldn't get away with controlling an older woman so he obviously feels that a younger woman is much easier to manipulate and do things his way.

There's nothing wrong with you except that you need to move on with your life and cut the ties. It will only get worse if you leave it to carry on the way it is right now.

Eileen, you are actually very correct in your assumption that I don't really like him. There are times that I honestly think that I hate him. He refuses to come to my house, to have anything to do with my family, separates his family from mine, says he wants to spend time with me (Ha, on the condition that I go to the bar with him) and yet can't manage to find the time, refuses to seriously commit, makes comments about his life that do not include me at all. If we see each other or spend time with each other it's because I go to where he is, never does he come to where I am.
I see all of this and yet I also see the side of him that can hold me when I'm sad, talks to me for hours on the phone about anything and everything (just like my best friend), makes plans for the future with me regarding retirement, is completely faithful, helps me fix things around my house when they go awry...
You know... I know deep down inside what I need to do. I have based my life and happiness on him, which is so incredibly unhealthy and I don't know how to break away from it. Yes, people say, just do it but it's so much easier said than done.
Devorameira, my father was not controlling but he was physically abusive and that was about all he had to do with me in my childhood. To the point that my horrible stepmother (who was abusive as well) would have to lay strips of gauze across my bleeding back, legs, and bottom before they could send me to school because heaven forbid someone see that. I grew up with her 4 kids who never bore the brunt of the abuse because she would never let me father touch them, but when she felt that I needed punishment... You get my drift, I'm sure.
There was also molestation in my childhood. I'm sure that may have a few things to do with what I have gone through as an adult. It was not my father, it was a stepbrother and it was ignored until I was about 14 and told a counsellor at one of the many high schools that I went to about it. Of course, thanks to the stepmother I was blamed for that as well because her son is perfect... And still continues to be a child predator I might add.
I think I have too many issues here... How does one person fix themselves when they are so broken?
It's strange, I don't think about all these things in general. Usually they are all tucked away into my subconcious, which is where I prefer it to stay...
I'd like to think that I have dealt with all of those issues and that what I am going through now is a completely different set of issues but I'm really not sure.
I'm that the fact that myself esteem and confidence are shot probably have something to do with it as well... Ugh, the more that I type, the more of a mess I seem to myself.

I don't think you have too many issues to fix. It sounds like you're a great girl with a ton of potential!
I think deep down you know exactly what you want and deserve.

Are you currently seeing a counselor to work through some of these problems you are facing?

Thank you Carrot. It's nice to hear that I might have potential :). Unfortunately, I have had several bad encounters with councelor's. I suppose it's something I should think about again. Things sure become a lot clearer when it is written down. It's hard to really decipher the whole picture when it's running rampant through my head. Guess I'll need to make some phone calls tomorrow...

You're with the wrong guy.

You already know what you need to do. And you've just had a lot of strangers telling you that you are right, you should not continue to accept this situation.

You've had a bad start in life which left you feeling that being treated badly was acceptable. Deep down, you know it's not. If you saw your best friend in a situation like this, you'd be urging her to get out of it as fast as possible.

In the end, no-one can make you happy. You have to do that yourself. The good news is that if you are happy, you naturally attract other happy sane people, the type who can support without controlling, and cheer you on to climb the hills without telling you it's impossible.

One of my favourite phrases is "Fake it till you make it." You might know that you have lots of issues, but if you ACT as if you have resolved them, people will accept that, and treat you like a person without issues. Behave like a confident woman who deserves respect, and you'll get it.

You really have to start taking care of yourself. You need to seek some counseling to come to grips with everything that went on in your childhood.

Counseling will give you the strength to put yourself first and value yourself as a person. I think once you realize your own value that he'll be a thing of the past.

You deserve so much better. You deserve love and respect when you don't seem to be getting from him.

This man has controlled you for six years. It is time to get control of your own life and the first step is to be away from him.
Get some counseling to help you work through the other things that have happened to you and when you are out of his control, you will get much better.

This guy is a poison apple. Throw it away!

Yup, he hasn't changed.

Don't wait around for him to figure out his insecurities.

You're cool, he's not.

I have been through this a couple times, I thought at first I could do it on my own because I knew what the problem was.:rolleyes:

I'm a very intelligent person and I could NOT do it on my own. I'm also a very stubborn person and have not asked for help.

Please get some help. There is nothing wrong with you:)

Just know that your life will be WAY better w/o him.

That's the truth.

Concentrate on the REAL loving things you have around you. Hope you didn't forget those for him.

Aside from age.

We get into relationships for a reason. Our decisions.

Sometimes wrong ones, other times right ones.

All depending on how together & aware we are at the time.

And the past lessons learned.