My father committed suicide
I'm not really writing this because I want specific advice, but to share and I hope someone will share with me if the have lost someone to suicide!
My dad turned 45 on march 16th and on the 17th he was found hanging on a door in the hall way of his house. He was found by his girlfriend of 20 years... it took 2 weeks before we could hold a funeral and I'm really relieved that its over to be quite honest with you... that we don't have to sit around talking about which casket we're going to choose or what type of flowers we want.
My siblings and I we got to see him though, once he was in his best suit and in the casket and I am really happy that I got to see him one last time
But how on earth am I going to deal with this?
Personally I'm at a place where I'm not mad at him for killing himself, because he worked really hard to make it happen... and I'm figuring that if he was in that much pain that it is better that he got to let go of life.
My siblings and my dad's sisters they have issues with it though, which is understandable!
My problem is that my dad is gone forever... I'm never going to see him again and all I'm let with are pictures and memories...
Those of you here at AMHD who know a bit about me know that I haven't have the easiest life and this didn't make it any better. For sure. And I've worked so hard to get where I am in life... I'm a successful student and my advisors and teachers see me as someone who is full of promise
But right now I can't really see passed this blinding pain! I wake up every morning with this intense sorrow and I don't really know what to do with it.
I guess that's really why I'm writing this, because I needed to put this into words and to talk to someone about it who doesn't know me and who isn't feeling the same pain as I am... someone who is not touched by my fathers passing basically.
I'm sorry this is a bit long...
And if you read this... thank you for listening!
Roxy