Hi everyone, I need some advice to help me stick with no contact.

Long story short, I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago, we had been together a little over a year. He's your typical emotionally unavailable guy. He loves me one day and he's cold the next. He plays games and either doesn't know what he wants, or he simply doesn't want me but doesn't want to let me go either. I also suspect he was seeing other women during our time together. There was no communication, any attempt on my part to talk things over and he runs.

I have been unsuccessfully trying no contact for a few weeks. The problem is that after a while, I forget the bad times and start thinking that maybe he's not such a bad guy and that maybe I'm the one who overreacts to things. If I don't break down and contact him, he contacts me, says he misses me, acts very sweet, and I feel guilty and start talking to him again. And of course, not long after that, things go back to being bad between us and I go back to feeling devastated.

My question is, what are some tips to keep remembering the bad times without actually reliving them each time? He will most likely eventually contact me again and I'm afraid I will once again forget why I ended it.

Any advice?

As hard as going NC, I know it works. Proof of that, just remember that things will never be the way you want them to be... romantically with this guy, and how hurt you are every time this happens. That should be enough

Any links to stories of people who have had to 'learn the hard way' that no contact is the only way would be appreciated as well. I've read a couple and they help tremendously!

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Originally Posted by Girl-with-Story

Any links to stories of people who have had to 'learn the hard way' that no contact is the only way would be appreciated as well. I've read a couple and they help tremendously!

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Just from my own personal experience. I went No contact towards the end of Jan. Broke contact a few times this past month. Every time, it felt like I was reliving the breakup from day 1!

I felt like an idiot because it was my own fault too!

Hey girlstory. Sorry for your lost, but you need to move on. Take it from me, my ex broke up with me and I know she did many hateful things, and same as you, the only thing I can remember is the good times we shared and laugh, never I had any memories that had to do with her being a bad girlfriend. Just remember when your hurt and missing the person you were with, your emotions will feed what your mind want to see. And right now you want to see the good times you two had, the more you think about that the more pain you will have to endure and relive and the more you want to break the nc. You will have that feeling day by day,but just be strong and remember what he did and how he hurt you. People here also said to write down 10 bad things about him, and when you start re thinking about the good times you had go look at the list you wrote and hope that will be you reinforcement.

Keep reading the threads on this site that relate to your own-there are a great number of them.

Make lists of all the bad stuff and keep them where you can read and reread them.

Don't contact him and don't respond to his contacting you.

Keeping NC is about willpower and dedication to healing and moving on.

Good luck.

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tips to keep remembering the bad times without actually reliving them each time?

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I think reliving them will eventually hurt you enough to make you stay away from him in every way possible.

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, they will help. There is a link in my signature.

Thank you. And yes I have been reading the stickies, they help a lot.

Just a quick update. I was doing pretty good until yesterday, I just felt that maybe there was a chance to salvage the relationship. We did talk things over decided to give it another try. However (yes, there's a however), I'm getting the feeling that he's somewhat bitter about my ignoring him (we've broken up before but it was the first time that I just didn't answer his calls/texts), and I think he feels that I treated him badly these past couple of weeks, and he probably senses that I feel guilty as well, which is not helping.

I thought I'd give an update in case I'm back here in a few weeks with the same problem as the first time I posted... If I'm writing this, I obviously fear that it's a possibility.

If he's going to hold against you the fact that you two broke up... then this relationship is going to be taking an nose dive real quick.

If he cannot put whatever the issues were in the past, then you have no business being with him... Same goes for you. If you can't "forgive and forget", then you need to move on.

Yep I'm not too sure where this will go but it wasn't working before and not much has changed, which is why I'm not convinced it will work this time either. I just really missed him and he missed me and I just gave in. There's a good chance I will be attempting to end it again in a few weeks. Like Tal said, maybe after a few tries, I will eventually get it right.

A few trials of ending it I take it?

Remember,this is the guy who plays games and who you suspect goes with other girls.

Why get back on the rollercoaster?

Because I can't be sure Amicon... I can't explain how one day I think he's using me and playing games and the next I think he's really trying. I wish I could make sense of it... All I know is that I'm never in it 100%, it's like I'm always on my guard and holding back because I'm afraid he'll break my heart. One time he said to me 'I'm afraid I'll hurt you' and that really stuck with me. And I can't read him at all. Like I said initially, communication between is not very good at times and he holds back too even more than I do.

I'm always the one who wants to end it. Every few months I start wondering about the things he says and does and I start not trusting him and thinking to myself that there's not much point to the relationship. And each time, he calls and texts until I change my mind. I just miss him so much afterwards.

I'm not an insecure person but it's like there are red flags with him that I just can't ignore. It's hard to explain, like I said in the beginning, it's hard to remember the bad things he does, they seem somewhat insignificant after the fact. But I will try to keep posting as things happen, I really need to figure out from people who have a different perspective if I'm right or if I'm just crazy lol.

How about you tell us some of the red flags you are seeing?

He has a few female friends which he is very secretive about, I find this iffy but have nothing to accuse him of really. Actually, he's secretive about a lot of things. Other iffy things are that he rarely tells me how he feels about me (I love you etc.) but asks me constantly to validate how I feel about him. Sometimes I can't reach him for days, when I finally do, he just says something like his phone wasn't working, but it seems like it only doesn't work when it's convenient for him. He can be cold at times. He expects a lot from me but doesn't really seem like he would make the same effort if I expected the same things from him. If I do want something however, I'm often told 'not possible', when it really is possible in my opinion. Often he doesn't really show much interest in my life and he never really opens up about antyhing, which makes me feel like I'm only really good for one thing. If I try talking to him, he either has what seems to be a valid excuse for everything or he just shuts out. That's what I can remember for now but I'm sure there's more...

That said, despite the above, I do feel he is a sweet guy. He has lots of good qualities, which makes it difficult to let go of him. He's very down to earth, he never says anything mean even when he's mad. He's incredibly charming and has an amazing sense of humour. He just seems so out of reach all the time and it's like the only thing that ever affects him is if I say it's over, it's the only time he'll react. Does this make sense at all?


Another thing is that even when I end it with him and he's trying to convince me to reconsider, he never aknowledges that there any issues, never says we'll work on things or I'm sorry for that or wants to talk things over. He just talks about missing me and wanting me back and keeps at it until I change my mind, even if it takes weeks. But again, doesn't try to convince me to work it out, just tells me he doesn't want me changing anything. That to me is another red flag...

Well some of what you are saying would be definite red flags to myself.

He said it himself, he doesn't want to change anything or work it out, it sounds like he almost has a dependency on having you (almost like a safety blanket).

You have to think about your happiness and long-term sustainability of this relationship. If he is unwilling to address some of the things that are making you uncomfortable, he will definitely not change them. Especially if he simply has an excuse or shuts out when you have a problem.

A relationship should not be where you put 75% of the effort in, and he puts 25% in.

Just my opinion, but you might want to consider breaking it off for good, since he doesn't want to acknowledge any of the issues.

I think I agree. It's just the getting there...

But the more people give me a similar response, I'm hoping it might drill in eventually. Which is why I thought I would post, so thank you.

You are right, you have many red flags that say he doesn't deserve a second chance.

Thanks for the replies. Just a quick question, anyone feel that maybe there's a possibility that that's just his personality, and maybe I'm overanalysing? Sometimes I wonder if maybe I stopped trying to solve things that perhaps don't need solving to begin with, that I might actually be able to enjoy the relationship more. But yes, the red flags are there, I guess it's just that these red flags are far from proof of anything, they're more like iffy assumptions... I trust my gut feeling but even my gut feeling is confused most of the time with this guy, he's a tricky one that's for sure lol. But seriously, does anyone feel that maybe that's jut the way this guy is programmed, take it or leave it type of a thing?

It very well could be ingrained as part of his personality, or he could have a number of various personality disorders.

If you want to look at it that way, would you want to be stuck with that forever?