My b/f of 3 years sent me a couple of goodbye emails this year. The latest was received 8 days ago. The only contact I got was an email where he remembered my mothers birthday and attached a prayer to it. I graciously thanked him for it and he responded with a big red smiley face. That was 5 days ago. Bottom line is I want him back. How can I get him back? I should mention that we do live a distance apart so there is no way we will see each other.

He did say good bye, so let it be. Was his moving the reason for the break up? Or was this a distance relationship from the start?

It was a friendship at the start for about 2 years. The last year we took it to another level. We both committed to each other and I was moving to his area. Job interview set up, and other necessary things. Just before he went to sleep one night, he was on such a high and awoke the next morning and sent me an email. Then what confused me is getting another email from him 5 days later acknowledging my mom's birthday which is on Easter. I thought it strange to wish her a happy birthday 6 days early. Not sure if that was a way for him to see if I was still there in a way yet approaching it with a safe subject. I was cordial and replied to him with a thank you for remembering mom... So I am confused. Keeping up with the hard no contact at this point and not sure if he will again reach out to me ever.

Hello shy,

Let me ask you this, even if you two were to get back together, would you be OK with a long distance relationship?

No, I do not want a long distance relationship. I told my ex clearly that I want us to be together just as he wanted as well. I realized it would be me moving because he needs to care for his elderly dad. I was OK with that and he was happy yet his goodbye email said he didn't see how we could merge our worlds. I'm not taking what he said in that email as face value. Just wish we could talk on the phone but I know him and he doesn't like confrontation.

Well we haven't stopped talking "for a while". It's just been 8 days. If you see what I wrote above, I was in the process of moving so that really wasn't the issue. I still feel the need to talk to him on the phone to discuss this but I don't feel I am the one to initiate it. He needs to come to me.

Shygirl I know how you feel of needing to come back to someone that you love. But he already sent you his goodbyes. You have many obstacles to face, 1) long distance, can you actually handle being with someone everyday that you can't kiss, hold, show your physical emotion towards him and vis versa. I was in a long distance relationship for 2 and a half years, everyday I hated it cause of the distance. After that I left her for someone else, my feelings just faded over the course of time. YOu said you want him back, why? Why do you want him back, a person here told me that missing is not a good enough reason get back together. He said to you that he doesn't think that two of your worlds can ever emerge together that tills you a lot.

Please answer this question: WHY DO YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER?

Hello again Shy,

If you know deep in your heart that you don't want to have a long distance relationship, then I wouldn't try to rekindle anyhting with him. That would only give him mixed signals. I would let him go.

Thanks Showme. Yes, long distance is hard and we were friends only for 2 years and took it to the next level only the last year in which time we were working on being together. First he was to move to where I was because as he said, home is where the heart is and he needed to be with me here. Then he realized he really needed to be there for his dad. I then put things into action to transfer there and I have a couple of interviews set up and not sure if now I really need to cancel this. Why do I want to get him back? Because of love.. not missing him. I have an email from him the day before the goodbye email about all of our plans and that he has never had this love before in this life. That he had my hand in his and it's forever. Do you see how this is just spinning in my head? Distance wasn't an issue already.


Enigma, I do know in my heart that I want to be with him and will move in a heartbeat to be with him.

Shygirl. I can understand that you are in love. But the question what's the problem then? You want to be with him so bad and you are willing to do anything to make your relationship work seeing pass the long distance. But LOve is not a one way road, You need to make sure he feels the same or more about the future with you. If you're the only one that has this feelings then your only sitting yourself for a huge heart break down the road. Trust me, my ex, ex was willing to fight for us, she was loyal, Never went out, and on myside I didn't have the emotion of doing thus things any longer. I couldn't give her the love that she wanted and needed, so I broke up with her for a girl that was living in the same town. Don't get me wrong for the past 6 months I did my best to feel the love that I felt in the beginning but it was dead. That's why I say Really make sure that he feels the same as you, cause if not one person can't fight and make a relationship go the way it should and be healthy. WHY DO YOU LOVE HIM? And what actions does he do to prove to you that he also feels the same.

PS. Don't say he says this to me and that he talks about our future. I want hard fact actions, what does he do for you that backs up his words. "words are cheap without any actions behind it"

Hard facts? Ok, he set up a bank account and deposited monies in there regularly for US and the move together. He visited me very often and on only his dime. Sacrified getting things in order to buy me a computer to keep in touch with him in the meantime. He helped me when my mom passed away with duties that went with that. He was very much like a husband as a distance. There's also more that no one else would or had done in the short 1 year fulltime relationship that he did. I agree that words are cheap and actions are needed. Honestly, I am just amazed at what he did for me as no one else had done them. He said it was never a chore because with love, one does everything for the other.

Hello again Shy,

I see that you are so adamant about being with him. If that's the case, then tell him how you feel! Tell him exactly what you told us, that you love him and don't want to lose him, that you would move to be with him... The only way you will get your answers is by telling HIM.

I hope the very best for you!:)

Thanks Enigma, I did do just that last week after the breakup email I received from him. I replied to it that I acknowledged receipt of the email and clarified some things for him on there. It was a very nice message with no confrontation and we will see. I won't wait forever but just allowing a bit of time for him I guess. In the meantime, Im keeping busy.

Shygirl he did all that in the past and it sounds really sweet. But Don't be to stuck on what he did and what he said. You love him, but the main question is does he feel the same now the way he did before.what is he doing NOW. YOU love him and you want to be with him, but sounds like his on the other page, I can be wrong and I hope I'm wrong. If you want to get things settled with him, why don't you call him instead of emailing each other back and forth. The sooner you can get your answer the sooner you can stop wondering the what ifs.

Please answer this questions.
WHY DID YOU GUYS BROKE UP?
WHO INITIATE THE BREAK UP?
WHO INITATED THE NO CONTACT?

Well Showme, you asked what he DID for me in the way of actions. Whatever I tell you is indeed going to be in the PAST or I wouldn't be here now. So yes, I can only answer what he just recently did. But you do have to wonder from one day to the next why something changed. It's not the same as being stuck in the past. I agree that the real question is whether he is still in love with me. I won't know until I ever speak to him. I do know that it is not possible to change overnight on this. In your case it was dwindling down. Not in ours. The time before this that we broke up was because he was guilty of helping out a woman financially and didn't know how to come clean with it to me. He admitted that he nearly destroyed us. Clearly he has communications problems. I did try leave a voicemail last week for him but knowing how he is and not wanting to address things head on until he is good and ready, I really didn't expect a call back. Maybe in time. I agree that this is childish on his part and unfair to me. He initiated the breakup and the no contact. The why part is not clear as his message is amiguous according to all I tell about it. Questions to be answered is what I hope to get. I think I need to be prepared if I never get them.

Did he have to move in with his dad, or was that where he was staying? Maybe that was reason enough not to continue on those plans, because it may have been a complicated living arrangement.

Just guessing of course, as only he knows, but a last minute email, after all that preparation to move, can be confusing to say the least, and hard to accept because of the sudden change, so I can understand the need for explanations by him, for some sort of closure. I would feel the same way you do were I in your shoes.

Honestly, I would be pi$$ed. But we are helpless when a partner has a change of heart, and we are helpless to really do anything about it.

Well, it's a new day. After writing this yesterday, my ex posted something on my Facebook page regarding how he was feeling as a Christian on Good Friday. I responded in kind. Later on I posted a video on my page which all my friends can see. He responded about how the video was "emotional". So, no direct communicatiion between us still. Just him now feeling like he can post bits and pieces on my page. Now knowing him, if he really doesn't want to communicate with someone, he won't. This tells me he is loosening up with me YET not addressing the issue.

Yes, this is very frustrating but this is his personality.

I'm still trying to figure this out but while doing so have digested the saying above "never make a person a priority in you life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs."

Should we ever communicate again, it is something I will truly hold on to.

In the meantime, if anyone knows why he is now slowly communicating through Facebook on my page, fill me in please.

He seems to have put you in the friend zone.

Cutting all contact would at least allow you to heal, and accept your situation, and can't be any harder than being in limbo, hoping he gives you a sign of his feelings for you, or the closure you need to move on.

Simply put, you are allowing him to live rent free in your head, and he is doing it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

He seems to have put you in the friend zone.

Cutting all contact would at least allow you to heal, and accept your situation, and can't be any harder than being in limbo, hoping he gives you a sign of his feelings for you, or the closure you need to move on.

Simply put, you are allowing him to live rent free in your head, and he is doing it.

---

I had to spread the rep but boy did you hit it on the mark.

Shy, he's trying to remain friends but you're not there yet. You have to think of yourself and what's best for you. Delete him from you Facebook, from your phone, from everything.

If you feel you must then send him a final email explaining that at this time the only way for you to move on from the break up is to have absolutely no contact with him. Let him know that you are not ready to be friends and you may never be. Also tell him that being in contact with him in any way is giving you false hope and that's not fair. No contact is your only option. He doesn't have the right to keep playing with your emotions, tossing you a bone.

I have to say that I don't agree. Oh and besides that Facebook comment, he also sent a "hug" and within it said "you are in my heart". (hmmm)

Knowing him very well, I know his style is to send a break up note, go quiet for a period, then sloooowly place notes here and there (like I got the text with the prayer for my mom on her birthday, the Facebook expression, etc.) then come back with a huge apology. His style is also, while on this break, to go onto dating sites, browse, send a couple of interest emails out, then turn it off and contact me.

While I still love him, and agree that these are like tossing me a bone or I say, leaving crumbs, I don't think I will send any final emails. I need to work on getting on with life on my own and do something different than I usually do. He will, knowing him, wonder what happened to me and that is pleasure enough.

Limbo is a natural phase for a breakup. It's not wrong in any way. Time helps us move on naturally. I know I won't be in limbo forever and have set an internal timeline for myself. Him on the other hand, has some serious internal struggles that only he can get help for. The only person I can change is myself. He needs to work on him.