Ask Me Help Desk - Joining the game late in life...

This is a hard question for me to ask as it is rather embarrassing for me, but **deep breath** here goes:

I am soon to be 43 years old; the last time I was on a date was when I was 17. I will try to make a long story short. I was raised in a rather strict religion by an uber-strict mother. My father, who was not a member of this religion, passed away when I was 14. I knew I was totally screwed - he was my best friend and my hero, the only one that could get my mother to back off and let me breathe. I started dating a young man in our church when I was 16; we were the same age but he was two years ahead of me in school. We were very serious about our relationship and discussed marriage, and our parents were all for it. Four months before my 18th birthday, my boyfriend told me he "didn't want to do this anymore"... "it's not you, it's me...", etc. I was completely devistated. By this time, all of our friends were all dating each other and I didn't know any single guys my age. At 19 I had moved out of state to live with my sister and her three children. Years passed spent raising children and working two jobs and I drifted away from our church; a few times I thought that a friendship with a guy had progressed to a point that I could express my feelings of wanting to be more than a friend, only to be turned down or run away from.

Cut to now... still single and have never had more than a co-worker type friendship with any guy (or woman, for that matter). I am so very lonely and have a lot of love in my heart that I want so badly to share with someone, but I am at a total loss as to how to go about it. I am not a member of any kind of organized religion (nor do I have any desire to join one), so there are no options of finding someone at church; all the guys I work with are married, so that is out. I live in Montana, and I don't do the bar scene, so unless I bump into the man of my dreams in the toilet paper aisle at Wal Mart, I am at a loss.

I will be moving to another state this summer to live with my sister (kids are all grown, married and have kids of their own now) to be closer to family, etc. I will be nearer big cities, but will still be living in rural, farming territory. Everyone in my family, except my sister, is very religious - so I don't think they will be trying to fix me up with anyone they know (that plus the fact that I am at least 10 years older than them). I am very shy but open up quite a bit once I kind of get to know someone, and I am also extremely over weight which I allow to hold me back. My mother feels that I am too afraid of being hurt again which is why I am still alone, and there is probably some truth in that, but not as much as there used to be. I know you have to kiss a lot of frogs, etc. but I just really don't have any clue how to date, or flirt, or anything. I have a great sense of humor, I like sports and actually can have a good conversation with a guy about football and baseball and hold my own and actually know what I am talking about (guys seem to like this). I have been told I have a pretty face, and look much younger than I am. I like guys that are younger than me for some reason.

Sorry, I feel like I have been rambling on, but I guess I just want to know how to put myself out there and start living. I am not experienced (in anything - if you catch my drift;)) but I am not stupid or naïve either. Is there a book or website anyone can recommend? Any tips? I am currently in therapy to help me learn to be comfortable in my own skin, but I am also working on the weight loss. Anything anyone can recommend would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.

Have you tried joining a social website? Maybe dealing with people Online first will get your feet wet make you more comfortable talking to men.
Maybe when you move you will meet someone on your new job.

I'm sorry this has been your life and I wish you the best. I would even venture to say there is a man out there in a similar situation as yourself. I pray you two find each other.

43 is still young, and you can make yourself into anything you want to be, if you know what you want.

Start from there, and develop hobbies, and make friends through activities you enjoy. Build a life that makes you happy, is always the goal of young singles, and making time for what you like. Get the notebook out for a list of things you really like, or have never done, and would like to do.

What is your profession any way?

Tal is on to something here. Get that notebook out and list the things you have never done that you want to do. I took it this way...
Go places you have never been, go to a game, go out and take risks and have adventures. Sometimes the key to happiness (a partner) is in your own desires. If that isn't clear enough I say go out and do the things you like and if you meet someone there then at least you know you have the same interests. Gives you something to chat about for a while and talking is the first step in every relationship.

I will admit that at your age it would be hard to find a single partner but I do not think that it is in any way impossible in this day and age.

I know people are going to jump all over me for saying this (and to the reader I say give me reds if you wish) But fact is being over weight is a problem. Not just for your dating game but also for your health. So for yourself alone you should really really try hard to drop some weight. Cardio is what you need to be doing, walking, power walking, jogging. Eating VERY low to no fat foods.

In consideration to weight and dating, to some people it is a major turn off, and some it's a turn on. I personally won't date someone who is really over weight (I know its shallow) but my step father is completely different, he likes girls with meat on their bones (so to speak.) So whether you lose weight does not count you out either way. I believe that there is a perfect person for everyone.

But here is my own opinion and advice. I would lose weight until I am at least healthy. I would go out and do things that I have always wanted to do and quit working myself into the ground. I would get out there and meet someone and be as brave as possible. Go hiking, go travel, do something to make you happy. But most of all I hope you find what you're looking for. Good luck and happy hunting

Larken85 - I don't take offense to your advise to lose weight. Trust me - it is something I think about 90% of sleep time and 100% of awake time. Because of my weight, I am now a type 2 diabetic and nothing would make me happier than to lose the weight and be a strong healthy person. I am working on it, but I do have some other issues that make it difficult; but that is another long post under a different category! I already do a lot of things that I enjoy - hobbies, etc. - but not a lot of men enjoy cross stitch embroidery or making greeting cards. I am not able to afford a gym membership so meeting people while working out isn't really an option; I do try to walk a lot for exercise but in Montana there is a lot of snow on the ground so it's not a great option for about 7 months out of the year. Yes, it's a lame excuse, but it's true; I can't afford to slip and fall and break a hip! I wish my landlord would allow me to have a pet; if I had a dog I could take it for walks, etc. and it would help with exercise as well as being a potential ice breaker in starting conversations with guys.

I also agree that weight can be a major turn off. I do feel that people should love you for who you are, not what you look like; however, I am not attracted to men that are obese (like me), so it makes me feel like a hypocrite to state the former.

Talaniman - I am an administrative assistant, sit behind a desk all day.

I did do something that for me was brave, and that my family thought was brave: 10 years ago I left everyone behind in Oregon and moved to Montana. I thought it would be great for me to truly be all on my own, and that it might help me discover who I really am. I hoped that living out in the great outdoors would help me get outside more, exercise more, and grow. Well, I did grow, unfortunately it was mostly physically! I thought that I would branch out and make new friends, but it didn't work out that way. I suppressed myself for a long time, and I guess social skills are a lot like knowing a foreign language: if you don't use it, you lose it.

Volunteering is a great place for some social interacting. And you don't have to attend church to be active in them. Hospitals always have a need for extra hands,

As far as a diet, and exercise goes your living room, and good eating habits are a great start, and this is something you can Google, and get info about. Be patient, as it takes time to get a routine you are comfortable with, and 20 minutes a day may not see like a lot, but over time, it works.

Most things we want from life simply requires a reasonable plan, and some stick to it-ness.

Now as far as men go, just make friends, and don't get carried away, as you never know who your friends know, so group activities are not only good practice for social skills, but people networking. I bet its not that easy in rural areas where the whole social setting is either a church, or bar, but we make do with what we have. Focus on having fun around people and not look for someone, as better they find you, and for that, you have to be out and about.

How far are you from a major city?

Volunteering is something I have considered several times, but often use my weight as an excuse why I'm not doing it (being on my feet for more than 5-10 minutes causes a lot of physical pain). I live in Montana's largest city but we are only 100,000 people. We have two large hospitals here, and I have inquired about volunteering at both but the waiting lists are pretty long. I really want to hold and rock the babies in the NICU (yes, that is a real volunteer job at major hospitals!) but you can probably imagine how long the waiting list on that job! I still keeping checking back, just in case there are any volunteer positions opening up.

This part was also good, "Focus on having fun around people and not look for someone, as better they find you, and for that, you have to be out and about." When I am in a social situation, I try really hard not to come across as desperate or "seeking". I know that is a super major turn off, and I am not sure that I need someone in my life that would be attracted to someone that is desperate. And I don't want to seem welcoming to pity or "sympathy attention", you know what I mean? I want someone to talk to me because they want to, not because they feel sorry for me. That is worse than no attention at all, at least to me.

I have an idea. Are you able to get to a public library?

Yes - it's pretty small but I do go there quite often.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Auntie

Yes - it's pretty small but I do go there quite often.

Do they have a writers' group? If not, would they be open to starting one? (I've worked in libraries for 30+ years, and often hear "There's a book inside me just waiting to get out" or "I want to be a writer," etc. so I'm guessing even Montana has frustrated writers lurking around.)

If you are a reader, you can also join a reading group at the library. Those groups often have both men and women.

I am suggesting a writers' group simply because your writing is amazing! I weep with joy when I read your posts -- so rarely does someone post something that is so nicely composed and coherent, plus perfect in grammar, spelling, and punctuation. You would be a terrific writers' group leader.

Wow Wondergirl - that is kind of bizarre. **insert Twilight Zone theme music here**

I don't know if they have a writer's group, but I am going to find out! I am actually writing a book (well, two, actually). I didn't start writing much until a few years ago; I find that I can express myself much better in writing than I can in... uh... thingy. I mean in person. I wasn't sure if I really had a talent for it, but when my sister and a couple of people I knew that I could trust to be blatently honest read what I had, they were all very enthusiastic about it and have continued to encourage me to write. I really don't know anything about writing a novel, and it would be great to get some input; and it would be a great way to meet people that I would have something in common with. Great idea!!

Homegirl50 - that is another great idea. I LOVE to read, so that is something else I will check into. Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Auntie

I really don't know anything about writing a novel, and it would be great to get some input; and it would be a great way to meet people that I would have something in common with. Great idea!!!

I started such a group in Dec. 2008 after a local cozy mystery writer (who is nationally known) spoke at our library as the kickoff event for the group. The group started with 25 people in attendance (far too big for a writers' group, but we wanted to spark some interest in the community). A year and a half later, the group has about eight or ten people left from that first meeting, giving the group a stable core. We meet twice a month (we tried once a month, but twice is better), and have a variety of people who show up once, maybe twice, and often just off and on, depending on their other life and work responsibilities.

We met last night with six of the core in attendance (two had to miss because of family obligations -- Easter is Sunday) and several newbies. Newer members are Joel who is autistic (Asperger's), two published authors, Andrew as our youngest at 15, and a variety of ages and personalities. The writers in attendance last night are writing novels, articles for magazines, short stories, blogs, journals, and poetry.

I would be more than glad to help you get a group started.

Our writing group primarily is social. A second purpose is to meet with like-minded individuals who cheer and support each other -- and tell each other when necessary what parts of our writing might need fixing or changing. It's a validation of who we are as writers and of our writing.

That is awesome - thanks Wondergirl! Perhaps we could trade email addresses to discuss further?

Something else to know (something I learned as our group waxed and waned) -- a smaller group is better. Our group of eight last night was perfect. We meet from 7:00-8:30; I arrange the tables in a big square so we can all sit facing each other and have room so we aren't elbow-to-elbow. And we want to be at tables so we can write stuff. We often have an in-class assignment (plus we serve refreshments of tea and coffee and cookies, so we need the tables for our food!).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Auntie

That is awesome - thanks Wondergirl! Perhaps we could trade email addresses to discuss further?

The site moderators like us to keep our discussion on the board simply because others can learn from it. Could we try that for a while?

Absolutely - just wanted to be sure that they didn't see this as a discussion just between the two of us. :)

I checked out our library's website and it doesn't appear that they have anything like that - or the reading group either - but they do have a feedback form where I can suggest it.

How did you find the local published author for your initial meeting?