Ask Me Help Desk - Should I stay or should I go?

Right I've got a really complicated one here-

I live in the UK, and I have a wonderful girlfriend. We've been together for nearly three years, and in that time, living about 150 miles apart is the closest we've come (I've lived in France and the other side of the UK before that). Long distance isn't really the problem. I think we both forget why we stay together during long stints apart, but we're aware of it and we're pretty much inseparable during the holidays. We talk to each other every day on the phone, and things are generally OK. To be honest, the long distance has only made us stronger for the summer when we move in together.

But here's the problem. I don't know how, and I don't know why, but I hate living here in the UK. It's rainy, I hate the politics, I hate the British attitude and everything about England. Being a linguist I've been abroad a lot to lots of places in the world, and (although I know the grass is always greener) I've never been anywhere in my life that has so little going for it as England. I can't - I WON'T live here all my life. In fact, if it wasn't for having met my girlfriend I think I would have already left. I'm 22 and I want to explore the world without my hands tied. But at the same time I know I'll never find anybody as wonderful as her ever again. I'm not a perfect person and I have lots of faults, but I've poured a lot into being with her and she deserves every ounce of effort. Best of all I know she loves me, she needs me, and she cares very deeply for me. She's my everything. But despite all this I can still feel the minutes ticking away in this place, and I'm not living the life I could be living. If I asked her to leave with me, I'm not sure she'd come. Not right now. She has strong family loyalty, and a strong apprehension of change. Today is the first day she's living away from her family home, and she's still uncomfortable with the change. I'm not sure she'd cope with a change of country, and I'm not sure I could do that to her...

So I suppose my question is what do I do? I feel completely trapped in a country and a job I don't like, but with a girlfriend that I will love until the day I die who probably can't come with me. Do I break it off and go and 'live the dream'? Or would I find that I'm just giving up the one thing that means the most to me? Do I stay with her, but be miserable in this country? Or do I wait it out for a while and see what develops, safe in the knowledge that I've wasted years of my one and only life, when it could break down later anyway? I've never posted on internet sites before, but I really don't know what to do - I can feel the wanderlust starting to win, but I don't know if I could live without her.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. You sound like someone who is in a deep depression. A change of scenery isn't going to take that away. Have you talked with a Doctor!

If you do relocate and she doesn't come with you how will you handle that? A lot of people go through what you are going through now. I hope you can find what you need!:)

The two of you are not on the same page-and I don't think you are ready for a committed relationship.

Have you discussed these problems with your girlfriend?

She needs to know how you feel.

I don't think it has a lot to do with your hating England and most things English,I think England has come to symbolize everything that you feel is holding you back.

I don't know if you are in a depression but I know you will be if you don't at least try. Yes, you may be disappointed and regret leaving England in the first place, but what you will regret more is being there in 20 years wondering what would have happened if you left.

I will sound tacky, but I think you should talk to her and tell her about your feelings. She might break up with you but you know what they say, if she really is the one, it won't be the first time 2 people get back together after a few months/years. I think you need to live what you want to live before you settle for what you know you don't really want. (On the other hand, never underestimate your girlfriend, women do unusual things for the one they love!)

Quote:

Originally Posted by pandead

I don't know if you are in a depression but I know you will be if you don't at least try. Yes, you may be disappointed and regret leaving England in the first place, but what you will regret more is being there in 20 years wondering what would have happened if you left.

I will sound tacky, but I think you should talk to her and tell her about your feelings. She might break up with you but you know what they say, if she really is the one, it won't be the first time 2 people get back together after a few months/years. I think you need to live what you want to live before you settle for what you know you don't really want. (On the other hand, never underestimate your girlfriend, women do unusual things for the one they love!)

Talk to her and then figure out the choices you need to make.
Bless you!

"I dont think it has a lot to do with your hating England and most things English,I think England has come to symbolize everything that you feel is holding you back"

Thanks amicon, I think that's a really profound and possibly very true statement. I have oodles of confidence in my own abilities normally - it is possible that I feel that I'm being held back, and perhaps England isn't entirely to blame. I still don't like England though! :P

In terms of our relationship, my girlfriend DOES know (in no uncertain terms) how I feel about England, and recognises that it might be a problem in the future. I think perhaps what I need to do now is simply see how things go, if only until we have settled down and lived together here for a while. Maybe that'll make this decision a bit easier, and until then I'm happy to (if nothing else) build up my CV and cross my fingers. She does show glimpses now and then of wanting to leave - she hasn't been away much, but is a linguist like me, and seems to see at least some value in moving in the future. I think maybe we just need stability first.

Does this sound anything like sensible?

p.s. I'm not sure about depressed, although I appreciate your comments. I'm not sad about anything, and I'm not losing sleep over it - I'm just extremely ambitious, and I want to have the best life I can. That may well include having her in my life, it may not. Voilà the problem! :P

Quote:

Originally Posted by simt33

"I dont think it has a lot to do with your hating England and most things English,I think England has come to symbolize everything that you feel is holding you back"

Thanks amicon, I think that's a really profound and possibly very true statement. I have oodles of confidence in my own abilities normally - it is possible that I feel that I'm being held back, and perhaps England isn't entirely to blame. I still don't like England though! :P

In terms of our relationship, my girlfriend DOES know (in no uncertain terms) how I feel about England, and recognises that it might be a problem in the future. I think perhaps what I need to do now is simply see how things go, if only until we have settled down and lived together here for a while. Maybe that'll make this decision a bit easier, and until then I'm happy to (if nothing else) build up my CV and cross my fingers. She does show glimpses now and then of wanting to leave - she hasn't been away much, but is a linguist like me, and seems to see at least some value in moving in the future. I think maybe we just need stability first.

Does this sound anything like sensible?

p.s. I'm not sure about depressed, although I appreciate your comments. I'm not sad about anything, and I'm not losing sleep over it - I'm just extremely ambitious, and I want to have the best life I can. That may well include having her in my life, it may not. Voila the problem! :P

Nothing wrong with that! I wish you the best in whatever decision you make:)

Yes,finding some stability and a platform would make sense-just keep the communication between you going and be honest with each other.

If you are not happy with your current job,is this something you could change?

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

Yes,finding some stability and a platform would make sense-just keep the communication between you going and be honest with each other.

If you are not happy with your current job,is this something you could change?

I agree with amicon... if you're not happy you need to find stability and some happiness.

You better talk to your girl and make a plan together where you both can be happy. Doesn't matter where that will be, but it does matter it's a decision you make together.

After 3 years of long distance, being in the same place will tell you a lot about what you have together.

Its all about communications, and plenty of it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You better talk to your girl and make a plan together where you both can be happy. Doesn't matter where that will be, but it does matter its a decision you make together.

After 3 years of long distance, being in the same place will tell you a lot about what you have together.

Its all about communications, and plenty of it.

Talking things out will put both of you on the same page. I do hope you find happiness !:)

I fell in love, and married a man who's employment required several moves. Because I loved him, I made that sacrifice, and along the way, had two children. The moves totalled somewhere around a dozen, across the country and back again.

The point I'm making is, your girlfriend may think that that sort of sacrifice is one she too is willing to make. Not that you would move as many times as I have, but that she would leave her home, family, friends, community etc. and start over in a new place.

There is always an emptiness in my opinion, when you start over. Regardless of how much you love each other, setting up roots in another place, or country, is not something you can anticipate to be something you can easily cope with.

When I look back now, yes it worked, we all survived, but I can't count the number of times I wished my family were around to help with new babies, and difficult times. Just to drive to their homes and sit in their kitchens over coffee- I would have so loved those simple things.

If this is her home, and her culture, it is something that can't be replaced, by living somewhere else. That wealth of living history that you have every day, when gone, is the emptiest feeling in the world.

While she may love you enough to leave it all behind, as I did, she may too, have the same regrets down the road.

If it is at all possible for you to adapt, and feel comfortable and happy in England, for her sake, I hope you consider staying. Try to realize just what she would be giving up and understand that her life is where it is right now, and another life somewhere else, will never be the same as what she left.

Of course, you are both young, and what might seem like a good move, to move to another country, both agreeing to same, may not seem like such a big deal, but, I'm only saying what I know, from having done it myself.

Time and patience for now is my best advice to you, and consideration on both your parts along with a lot of understanding and listening. Be prepared for a lot of compromising so that one doesn't lose everything, to the benefit of the other.

Have you considered she wants a career, and all that entails before she is ready for the family life? Her idea of the future may not be yours. That's the sort of thing that's talked about before couples actually take the plunge.

Most men want a house and children, and their partners at home, but as Jake has said, while your off making money they are isolated from everyone.

I think she likes things the way they are, but if you don't, that should be talked about.

Communications is what tells if your on the same page, and can get you there if you both are willing. You will never know unless you discuss it.

I agree with Talaniman and Jake. You need to consider this very carefully.

Thanks for your advice all :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by simt33

Thanks for your advice all :)

We're here anytime you need to talk. Blessings:)