I have been in a relationship with my wife for 7 years and we have a 3 year old daughter together. In Jan 2010 after her pushing and pushing for marriage, I finally decided it was time. A few weeks after the marriage she left with our daughter to visit her family for a vacation. I couldn't get the time off to go with her. We talked daily on the phone at first. Then the second week in she was acting different. I kept asking what was up with her attitude change and she would say nothing. 3 weeks in, I call and call and she finally answers and says she thinks we need a break. I ask her is there someone else? She says no but can't give me a reason for the break. We argue and the phone call ends with, "In May I'm coming to get my daughter." I hadn't heard from her in 10 days and in that time I decided on getting an annullment. I called her father and let him know. About 1 hour later she calls. She tells me "No, please don't get the annullment." I ask her why and she hesitates. I tell her how she is the cause and she's the one who wanted to basically end everything. Then she says. "I cheated on you." It hit me hard and for the first time in my adult life I cried. (I grew up in a family where emotions are a sign of weakness) She cried and kept repeating "I'm ed up." "I'm ed up." I have never in 7 years cheated on her and I've always told her every advance any girls have made towards me. This is also not the first time she cheated. In our first year together, she cheated on me with a person I knew. He came to me and confessed crying. I called her on it the following morning. I forgave her and we moved on.

She said she couldn't face me afterwards and just wanted to be alone and figured I wouldn't want her back. Btw I'm 28 and she is 25. She told me it was "unemotional" and she couldn't give me a reason for why she did it. The guy is in love with her now I should say boy as he is only 18 years old. She had told me she told him. It was a one time thing, a mistake and she didn't want any kind of relationship with him. Apparently he had been threatening he will kill himself if she went back with me. She also started confesing much more after I had calmed down. She said since the infidelity she was binge drinking daily and smoked pot once during that time. I asked where our daughter was during all this and she said with her mother doing the nights but with her during the day. I told her to come home. I do love her and I have forgiven her a second time for this. Now I'm having a really hard time getting this out of my mind. I can have sex with her, I've gone from a man with a high libido to uninterested. All forms of sex(tv shows, movies, etc) remind me of the infidelity. I feel so betrayed and I really want to get past it. I'm always thinking in the back of my head is she going to do this again. Will my sex drive return? Is this normal? I really am trying to get past it and I haven't been throwing it in her face. Is it really once a cheater, always a cheater? Can she really change. ANy experience and help would be appreciated on your feelings towards this whole mess.

I think you both need to consider some counselling on this.

Your wife doesn't seem to have any idea why she is acting the way she is, infidelity, drink, and pot. Since she can't explain any of this to you it's no wonder you are seriously questioning how many more times this will happen, particularly since it has happened before.

If she wants to change and you want to feel confident that she has then I think she needs help to understand her own behaviour and you need somewhere safe to vent your feelings.

Your lack of libido is a signal to you that you are not coping with this fully and have some feelings that you are probably not dealing with.

I really do think you need a professional to help you both work through this.

She needs to step up, go home, and face you. Then the work begins, and only then, when she's not hiding out at her parent's place, binge drinking with a teenager and sleeping around.

She is a wife and mother first, and whether she likes it or not, she has to face the music of what she has done, without support and comfort from her family home, out of town.

If she can't do that, at the very least, then what can you expect of her.

She doesn't seem to understand her own behaviour, and my opinion of her is not printable, and doesn't matter anyway. What bothers me is that you are stuck holding this relationship together, and that is a very unfair situation to put you in.

I don't think it was a good idea to call her father and say you were going to annul the marriage. He should not be involved in your problems with your wife. They can do nothing (obviously) as she is an adult and has to take care of her own business. Why they allowed her to stay so long as to party hearty and sleep with a teenager and binge drink is beyond me. I'd have sent her packing the first night she came in drunk.

I have a problem with people who cannot accept responsibility for their actions. Unless she was unconscious and being dragged against her will tied to a horse along a dirt road and force fed alcohol, she had choices. She could have stayed at home taking care of her child. She could have gone for dinner with some girlfriends, or taken her parents out for dinner. She could have gone home and told you she was unhappy and that she was on the verge of leaving. Anything, except what she did, would have shown she had at least some remorse, and some communication with you to help her through whatever she was feeling.

But, this is far, far beyond feelings. Her actions speak so much louder now without anyremorse that could possibly be genuine in my book. She had many opportunities to talk to you on the phone even, but instead, you noticed her seemingly at a distance, and different in attitude. She was even then, after you asked, preparing for a night out.

I hope that you are able to get the truth on the table, and counselling going. You are a much stronger person than I am to even consider working this out. For your sake, I hope she doesn't turn this into your fault, and that the two of you can work out some sort of a plan.

Thank you QLP and Jake2008. Things have gone from bad to worse. She's suffering from alcoholism now. Using it as an scapegoat. It's such a small amount of time but she's become such a different person. I asked her to try and stop and to think about everything it will cost her. She is trying and now she's irritable. Scared she will slip and asked if she could have just one. I explained she thinks it will be just one, but that will turn to two and then three and before she knows what happened the bottle will be empty. Before all this she hardly ever drank. How can such a short time completely mess a person up like this. I feel overwhelmed. It's so much to take in. I feel like this whole situation is going to take years to overcome. I told her to think of quitting as a small sacrifice to rebuild what's important. She told me when was I going to make a sacrifice and I wanted to shout, "Don't you see how much I am sacrificing!" I didn't say anything though. I don't want to aggravate to situation and give her a reason to drink. It feels hopeless sometimes. I just keep teeling myself I have to stay strong. Be a father to my child and be a husband to my wife. I think of the Army corps values. Loyalty- to my wife and family. Duty-accept responsibility for my actions, my wife and child's wellbeing. Respect-How we consider others reflects upon all of us. Selfless service- Put the welfare of my child and wife before my own. Honor- live up to what a husband and father are supposed to be. Integrity- Do what is right by them. Personal Courage- I'm not living up to this one but I am trying to. I just hope it all works out in the end. If it doesn't I know I gave it everything I had. They teach us how to deal with a lot of things, but they don't teach you how to deal with this. Thanks again.

You sound like a wonderful person and I'm really sorry for what you're going through.

You two HAVE to get some counseling in order for you to work this out. She's feeling guilty and doesn't know how to handle the guilt and you're just plain suffering from the consequences of her actions. Make an appointment today!

I agree that IF you (both of you) choose to continue the marriage that counseling is a must. However, I don't think this 'meltdown' happened as quickly as it seems. I think you will find there have been a lot warning signs that have been missed or ignored.

She cheated on you once before and you 'forgave' her. Did she give a reason then? How was your relationship then? How did you work together to move past the hurt and heal? Did you decide as a couple to have a child or was it an accident? How has the relationship been since the pregnancy and birth? Fast forward to today, she was 'pushing' for marriage. You 'decided' it was time. Why did you decide it was 'time'? Does alcoholism or addiction run in her family?

The only way forward will be both of you working together to rebuild the relationship and trust. IF you can't rebuild the marriage, remember that you do need to be able to be civil to each other for the sake of your daughter.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I agree that IF you (both of you) choose to continue the marriage that counseling is a must. However, I don't think this 'meltdown' happened as quickly as it seems. I think you will find there have been a lot warning signs that have been missed or ignored.

She cheated on you once before and you 'forgave' her. Did she give a reason then? How was your relationship then? How did you work together to move past the hurt and heal? Did you decide as a couple to have a child or was it an accident? How has the relationship been since the pregnancy and birth? Fast forward to today, she was 'pushing' for marriage. You 'decided' it was time. Why did you decide it was 'time'? Does alcoholism or addiction run in her family?

The only way forward will be both of you working together to rebuild the relationship and trust. IF you can't rebuild the marriage, remember that you do need to be able to be civil to each other for the sake of your daughter.

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[She cheated on you once before and you 'forgave' her. Did she give a reason then?] The first time she cheated, she gave me a few reasons. She was drinking and upset I didn't go out with her that night. She felt lonely. She wasn't thinking right. She knew it was wrong and stop him in the middle but still knew the damage was done. These are the reasons she gave me.

[How was your relationship then?] She was young and fresh out of high school. Our relationship ship was semi-new. We were happy.

[How did you work together to move past the hurt and heal?] We took a separation from each other to reassess our relationship and she was determined to prove she wouldn't cheat again. When we were both ready to start fresh, we saw a therapist. We did 5 sessions and put the past behind us.

[Did you decide as a couple to have a child or was it an accident?] We both decided to have a child and were planning on a second. I wanted to be a father for awhile and her a mother, we talked about children often. There wasn't and has never been any resentment over having a child between either of us. She was a good mother.

[How has the relationship been since the pregnancy and birth?] I did not find her less attractive while she was pregnant or after. The whole tummy getting bigger, the baby moving etc was one of the most amazing experiences we shared. Our relationship after our daughter was born seemed great. We argued few and far between and they never lasted long. They were trivial and never over anything big. We could talk to each other about everything and she was like my best friend as well as my girlfriend. We both shared the responsibilities. Obviously she did more as I was working. I never left it up to her.

[Fast forward to today, she was 'pushing' for marriage. You 'decided' it was time. Why did you decide it was 'time'?] I decided it was time, because I felt she had proven her fidelity to me and I trusted her fully enough to make such a big commitment.

[Does alcoholism or addiction run in her family?] Yes alcoholism does run in her family. Her mother went through a stage of that when my wife was young.

While you were in counselling was there any discussion about alcohol, or was it mainly geared to the infidelity issue.

I don't know how successful, or long lasting the counselling was, but to marry a woman with the final reason that you could trust her again, probably doesn't cover all of it.

I don't see a lot of communication, or see you write about that. I'm always cautious when I hear couples say that they 'never' argue, or they always get along, or issues are dissolved fast.

I'm wondering if the truth is yet to be out on the table. I would love to hear her side of the story.

Jake2008.

Yes, we did discuss alcohol during counselling but we both felt she didn't have an addiction or wasn't constantly abusing it. She rarely drank.

Trust, we had a child together, a family...

In the beginning my wife wasn't great with communication, but we built on that. I can admit she communicates everything now, with her feelings, etc more so then she ever did before this happened. I never said we "never" argued. We weren't arguing constantly and we didn't argue about major things. We talked them through after the argument would be over.

She said she couldn't deal with the pain she caused me, because she promised it would never happen again.

I've already asked her if it was something I did.
She said I was not the cause of her actions. It was her and a lapse of judgement and she doesn't give me more than that. When I try for more I get "I'm f'ed up" and then she no longer wants to talk about the subject. She can talk about all the details of the whole mess but not the reasoning behind her infidelity.



In our last talk, she didn't believe she was even alcoholic. After I said my side. She said "Okay maybe I am." but she agree's to stop.

I hope I'm not being too negative and implying that there is no hope.

People can, and do change. Sometimes it takes a scare to realize just what is important and what the behaviour has nearly cost. A wakeup call can sort of re-ground a person, and what has been tossed aside, like common sense, honesty, integrity, communication etc. can be regained.

If she is sincerely wishing to change, and work through, not coverup, the past, there is great hope that things can mend.

The bad behaviour has stopped, but what assurance do either of you have, to know that whatever cause it to happen recently, won't happen again in another six months. If a person has an addiction to alcohol, it also can sometimes go along with a lifestyle- being with people who also drink excessively. So there is a lifestyle change, and also some soul searching to know why that need was there in the first place.

It is never enough to just 'quit' drinking. That is usually only a part of the problem that is visible. Maybe time to dig a little deeper in therapy around that issue if she's willing. Living a sober life without hanging onto the guilt of damage done in the relationship, may be part of her being confused about what to do, or what to say.

Your expectations of her as a wife and mother, probably pale in comparison to her own. Not achieving what is expected, or perceived to be expected, causes a lot of self doubt, lack of confidence, guilt, and disappointment. I've been down that road myself, and as a woman and a mom I think it's safe to say that most mothers are very hard on themselves.

Keep at it, but be clear in your expectations, and cognizant of her changes. Recognize when she just needs a shoulder to lean on, and when it's time to talk turkey. If you can talk, and really listen, she will trust that you won't judge her when she says what's on her mind. If you can communicate on a deeper level with each other, without fear of reprisal it will go a long way in building a much stronger bond.

It isn't enough to just think, or say, that you are going to change, and stop doing what you're doing, and suddenly be happy, faithful and true. Communication is probably one of the most overworked words in the English dictionary, but, as far as relationships go, it is a word right at the top of the list.

It was not only once she cheated on you. It is a repeated problem. As far as alcohol being an issue. Uhm, it is just an excuse to condone her behavior but whether she was alcoholic or not she would still be cheating.

Series counseling is needed individually and as couples.

Best of luck with everything you need it.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

It was not only once she cheated on you. It is a repeated problem. As far as alcohol being an issue. Uhm, it is just an excuse to condone her behavior but whether she was alcoholic or not she would still be cheating.

Series counseling is needed individually and as couples.

Best of luck with everything you need it.

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I know it was twice, but there is a 6 year gap in between there, where she was faithful.

[As far as alcohol being an issue. Uhm, it is just an excuse to condone her behavior but whether she was alcoholic or not she would still be cheating.] I don't agree with this. Why would she bother with the relationship at all then. This makes her sound like she is heartless, she is not like that. I believe if she was sober and rationality thinking things wouldn't have turned out the same.

Your wrong in my own opinion. Believe what you want to believe. Whether there is a gab in it or not. How do you really know she was faithful in between you do not. More then once, there is a pattern sorry to say.

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Originally Posted by HowDoUMend

I know it was twice, but there is a 6 year gap in between there, where she was faithful.

[As far as alcohol being an issue. Uhm, it is just an excuse to condone her behavior but whether she was alcoholic or not she would still be cheating.] I don't agree with this. Why would she bother with the relationship at all then. This makes her sound like she is heartless, she is not like that. I believe if she was sober and rationality thinking things wouldn't have turned out the same.

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I'm sorry, and I don't want this to sound harsh, but I think you are so desperate to forgive your wife that you are making excuses for her.

Really forgiving someone means really accepting that their behaviour was wrong but still being able to get past that.

The fact is she cheats, she drinks, she runs off when she is unable to deal with things, and she is unable or unwilling to explain why she does these things. This doesn't make her heartless but it does need facing head on. It doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with, but it does mean that as things stand she cannot give everything to the relationship that you deserve.

Your desire to fix things and your love and commitment are clear, and nobody can knock you for that. However, no matter how much love you bring to the table she has to do her bit. It's never too late if she really wants to mend things, but she has to want this as much as you do. If she does, get that counselling scheduled. No matter how much you want to you cannot fix someone else, but you can be there with love and support while they work on it themselves. Be there for her, but make sure she faces her demoms. Counselling can take time, but with your obvious desire to make things work, you can get there if real willingness is there from BOTH of you.

I sincerely wish you both the very best.

I'm really twisted in this whole situation now. I can't stay with her and I'm unsure I can take her back and work through this. I asked her if she had ever cheated during the 6 year gap. She swore up and down she didn't, then paused and said "I have to tell you something else and I'm not sure how your going to take it. She told me while we were talking and trying to work this out on the phone and were working it out. She was staying at his place. She cheated with him more then once and up to three times. She had my daughter around this guy. The name she gave wasn't true. My daughter says his name and she had told me that was just a cousin of her's from her uncle's side. Now tells me it was the guys name. I told her I couldn't be with her right now. She screamed at me "But I'm being honest , I'm telling you everything now." I can't deal with this. The betrayal feels ten times worse. Her family loves the guy and tried to make her stay. They would tell her they didn't want to see him hurt himself over her leaving to come back to me. I'm so messed up right now. I have all this anger and hate, and hurt. Everything feels so surreal. She said she had talked to this guy while drinking with her family and they were getting along like good friends. Her uncle had made a pass at her and it bothered her a lot. He was there to talk her through it and I wasn't. She said she felt like I wouldn't understand their friendship and I wasn't there. She said I would jump the gun and tell her she shouldn't be around her family. Which I probably would have said. She felt alone in it and he was her there to console her. I don't care. It doesn't justify any of it to me. How can she even say she loves me. I just don't understand. I was good to her , I was faithful, I thought I was doing everything a boyfriend/husband should do. How do you forgive someone when they smash your heart into pieces over and over. I feel like I would be weak if I just give up on the marriage. I also feel I have to, because there is so much broken in it and it just feels like she doesn't have any respect for me or love. If she could do that, why does she even want to stay with me.

She is a broken person. I think counseling will help her for awhile and then she will go back to doing it in the future. I think this could be to her being molested by her step father when she was 12 but I honestly don't know I'm not a psychiatrist. Can a person like this really change? Possible but not likely?

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Originally Posted by HowDoUMend

She is a broken person. I think counseling will help her for awhile and then she will go back to doing it in the future. I think this could be to her being molested by her step father when she was 12 but I honestly don't know I'm not a psychiatrist. Can a person like this really change? Possible but not likely?

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I think you need someone outside the marriage and family to talk to face-to-face. It can be a trusted friend, clergy, or counselor. Just someone you trust to listen and stay calm as you pour out all of these thoughts and feelings. Someone who can respond in real-time.

She needs professional help. She needs to recognize her problems and want to fix them. No one can change if he/she doesn't want to change or just because someone else thinks she/he needs to.

You both need a good marriage counselor to help you work out where the marriage is going.

As I try to stress in these situations, don't get so caught up in the hurt and anger that you forget your daughter. Sometimes, people forget that even three year olds can tell when something is wrong even if the parents think the child can't hear or understand what is going on. Keep her world as stable as you can while you and your wife work together to determine what the best course of action is for both of you.