Hey Everyone, I am 22 years old nearly 23 and my fiancée is 20 years old and we have been together for over 2 years. We have been engaged for about 7 months and living together for about 9 months. Recently we had a big fight over a very stupid issue. For about the past two years we have been golden, rarely fought, rarely had issues, we were madly in love. So in love that she would always be close and cuddly to me which I love and she begged me to ask her to marry her. I asked her because I really wanted to I thought she was the one and still hope she is. She said yes and we were doing great until about a month ago. I noticed her attitude changed toward me when I got very mad at her for a very dumb reason, the reason was sending about 50-100 texts a day to her cousin who was sending her strange love messages. She insists to this day that there is nothing going on between her and him. They have had a very close past when they were teens and I just didn't understand the loving type of relationship that they have, it just seemed very odd and off the norm. she seemed closer to him than me ever since she started talking to him again. Causing her to shun me which now I understand was because she thought I didn't trust her for not believing her. I checked her text messages and that was what made her very upset, but I also found some of the things she told me were lies which made me wonder further and I guess it did damage my trust towards her but not much. The fact that she kept talking to him texting non stop made me very upset and wonder what they were talking about. After a few weeks we solved that issue, I apologized and I was trying to deal with it on my end. She has not given me much help at all in assisting but I guess it is because she is so mad at me for thinking I don't trust her. I do trust her it just annoys me that she talks to other guys that much. Fine a few texts a day I wouldn't care but the sheer numbers 50-100 no exaggerating makes me worried. After the first issue with her cousin she was very mad at me because I kept bugging her about the texting and even kicked her cousin out one night because he was staring at her chest and butt non stop.

The real heart breaker for me happened about 2 weeks ago when she told me that she was scared to get married and she didn't think she nor I were ready to get married (a year from now) which I took pretty well and accepted it because I want to make sure she is fully ready as well as I. ( I still think I am ready). The next week went pretty good until the next problem popped up. This time it was very similar, texting with another male friend non stop( but not a family member this time) it is some friend of hers from a while ago. They text each other at least 50 times a day and it really annoys the hell out of me even after what happened with her cousin. I don't want her texting other guys because that will lead to her hanging out with them which will just bug me in the back of my head. I want to accept it but I just can't get over it. She has plenty of girlfriends to hang out wwith which makes me wonder why all the sudden influx of male contact other than me. We were perfect for two years, she never texted or hung out with these guys before. It just seems like everything flipped upside down. This sent me into an emotional slide down to a very angry and sad at times. . fighting over the issue for about a month I have been trying to deal with it but I can't get over the fact and she refuses to drop contact with them. She even took her rings off including the engagement ring I gave her saying she wants to take a brake from wearing them and she would put them back on when she is ready. She says that she is still in love with me and wants to be with me forever and nothing is going on between her and her male friend. But I have a strange gut feeling I am being tooled around. I have never encountered a situation like this where we were so good and planning our future ready to get married to her saying she's not ready and taking her rings off. I even thought about moving out to give her space. She said she didn't want me to but she is trying to be the person sh was before she met me. Outgoing and that she didn't want to miss fun in her younger years. She said when she met me for the past 2 years she has been trying to be the person that I want her to be I never forced her into anything I don't know why she would do this... but basically I miss the person I was with for the past two years and don't know if she will be like that again. I have no problem with waiting or giving her space but she has done nothing on her end to stop talking to these guys that I don't like. And it bugs me. What should I do? I do still love her but I am afraid that I love her for who she was the 2 years we were together without the recent confession/attitude change that she's put on. But at times I see she is very similar but more independent and I want her to be more committed and be close to me still. I don't know what to do any advice/input will help.

From what I got out of this is:

She thinks that I don't trust her still
She has cold feet (maybe?)
She doesn't want to miss her youth years partying and hanging out with friends but she wants to be with me still forever.

My main problems:
She thinks I don't trust her which I guess I deserve for the dumb texting thing but it still bugs me she still texts her guy friend 50 times a day at least.

She gets annoyed when I ask her what they are talking about (related to trust thing)

I am having trouble personally accepting the ridiculous amounts of text messages. And she seems to hang out with these people when I am at work which also bugs me.

This is what we have come to so far for patching the wound:
She still says she loves me and wants to be with me just not get married yet
I am trying to accept the fact that she has male friends (but can't get past it)
She constantly has been saying she needs space that I am smothering her
Which bugs me because the past 2 years she was all over me all the time as far as being close and affectionate.
I am currently lost in feelings and trying to stay here with her but she won't cut down the texting. The guy texts her back a lot asking when they can hang out as well. This is what bugs me most. I know it is my problem I probably ruined a great relationship or at least that's how I feel after all of the painful arguments we tossed back and forth.

Any advice/comments would help asap please

My thoughts are she has had two blasts from the past in the recient past. She is missing the way she used to be around these other people.
What she doesn't seem to realize is that everyone changes to suit their significant other. And that once you've changed for them it is hard to change back.
My other theory is that she wants to be free to go out and hang with these guys, which I don't know if I even trust. It may be the way you said it but it sounds like she is getting guilted by these guys into doing something she would have never done had she not talked to him. And I am sure someone is going to disagree with me here but I feel like she is heading off the path you were on.
If she is not willing to get back on that path, then I am sorry but it sounds like things will begin to fall apart. My fiancé and I just started to have drifting problems too, I just talked to her about it and told her I was going to do anything in my power to spice it up a little bit and rekindle the flame a bit. Basically I need to bring back the full amount of passion in our relationship by finding new ways to connect to her.
Maybe your fiancé is starting to feel like you are going to be a really controlling husband and maybe that scares her a bit. Some guys tend to believe that they are entitled to certain things when they are in a relationship (and certain things they are) but there are certain things that can only be given and not expected. (personally I think trust both ways is expected and time is given.)

Best I could do, hope it helps bro

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2 weeks ago when she told me that she was scared to get married and she didn't think she nor i were ready to get married

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dude red flag #1

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She even took her rings off including the engagement ring i gave her saying she wants to take a brake from wearing them and she would put them back on when she is ready

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red flag #2 once she started talking to this guys again then she doesn't want to walk around with a ring around her finger. She's the one that beg for you to get her that ring now she doesn't want it.

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she says that she is still in love with me and wants to be with me forever and nothing is going on between her and her male friend. But i have a strange gut feeling i am being tooled around.

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red flag #3 for 2 years she was loving, cuddling with you, and begging for you to marry her. What she is saying is I want to see if the grass is really greener on the other side but if its not i know you will always be here.

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She said when she met me for the past 2 years she has been trying to be the person that i want her to be

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That's the best excuse she can give you. Come on man you guys didn't date for 7 month you 2 dated for 2 years that's 730 days total, so your saying all that time all she was doing is faking it. And you 2 lived together for 9 months so that really gave you a lot of time to know her so don't be fool with her BS.

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she has done nothing on her end to stop talking to these guys that i don't like.

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dude if she has a guy friend yea once in awhile they hang out, but you didn't even met them or seen them, you said she hangs out with them while your at work, dude i don't know but i think she's doing more then felling up a cream on that coffee.

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the guy texts her back a lot asking when they can hang out as well.

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txting 50x a day hanging out every time your at work, dude you should see what's going on, smells like your being played right in front of your door step.
wake up and look at the action she is doing. I don't know if she is really playing you but the sound of it, she is. Just open your eyes and i hope she's not i really do hope she's not, but she gets defensive when you bring it up and she turns things around on you and that its your fault. That sound to me like she is feeling guilty.
don't let her run your life, and let walk all over you. I know its hard cause your really in love with her, but she's not doing anything to help this relationship and sounds to me she's giving thus guys more attention then you.

Aw to bad the cute high school girl you dated and want to marry grew up to be a typical 20 year old curious about herself and the world.

Forget marriage. It seems the honeymoon phase of this relationship is over, and you either come to some compromises, and make adjustments, or fight, and argue until one of you leaves. That's how it goes and your about to see if you can work together.

Just for you though, straight up, you need to find a better way to communicate your fears, and wishes to her, and drop the control thing. You may try to minimize it in your own mind, and that's frustrating enough, but your trust issues, are fueled by jealousy and insecurity, and taking control of her actions are the fruit of getting carried away by those feelings.

Your approach should be, telling her to invite her text buddies over so you can meet them, and then you can form a better opinion based on known facts. And it means you have to act better as this kind of behavior, is totally unacceptable,

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After the first issue with her cousin she was very mad at me because I kept bugging her about the texting and even kicked her cousin out one night because he was staring at her chest and butt non stop.

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That's the ultimate insecurity, and you better pay attention to it as your already to distracted to see what you should be doing which is not always reacting impulsively to your feelings. Think about that.

That's my advice regarding your situation, cope with your own feelings better, and communicate with your woman in a more honest non-confrontational way. Honey gets you more than orders, and demands ever will. Hey she is young, and learning too, just like you are. Teach each other.

I've been engaged before. It didn't work out. I was MUCH better off than if it had.

Not to sound judgmental, but it does not sound like either one of you two are ready to get married.

Why the rush? You are both VERY young.

Not saying that anything is actually going on with her and her male "friend" but I imagine there might be.

My ex had issues with Instant messenger and Facebook. She was on that crap all the time. I confronted her about it one day in a casual way. Told her I wanted to spend time with her but that time was limited because she was on the computer all the time. She slowed down for a little but then it picked up again and more than before. I had my suspicions but let it go.

Long story short, she was talking to someone else. And I had proof.

I agree with the others is that you should invite them over and meet them. If there is hesitation or they will not meet you or she won't allow it then there is mostlikely something going on and you can have your closure. If they do agree, you can see how they act around you and your girl at the same time, just be vigilant.

Thanks everyone, I'm not sure what's going to happen we are both confused and angry at different issues at the moment. I keep trying to accept that it will take time for her to heal and get over the things I said to her about the whole texting thing but then I lose control every couple of days and bring something up now it is mainly about the whole delaying the marriage/no ring issue. And space. I am trying my hardest to give her space but I loo into the other room and she is still texting non stop. Its like some sort of strange addiction or something.

Any tips of how I can give her space while living together? Or controlling these outbursts that I regret after? She gets mad at me because I try to act normal after we argue about something, I try to talk but she keeps getting super mad and saying she doesn't know and she's confused. But she insists that I am the guy she eventually wants to marry and loves me so much. Im just perplexed by the whole issue. I know I messed up I said some things to her over the past few weeks that hurt her about her cousin and her and her guy friend. She said he was a friend since middle school and she's trying to reconnect to him, and her cousin. Earlier we got on to talking about why she didn't want to get married or what happened to it and she said she woke up that it all seemed like a dream. I'm just blown away and hurt from this and I am having trouble dealing with it, she is having trouble dealing with the texting thing because I got mad and said spome dumb things that I shouldn't have in my anger towards her confession about not wanting to get married/ be engaged anymore. Yesterday went great, today sucks. The day before went great... it seems like if I let her be for a day or two she starts to act better and we can goof around a little like we are on the right track but I am having trouble still dealing with this whole thing and I keep bringing it up then regretting it. Because I don't understand.

I'm with everyone here, marrying at 23? I'm 24, I am just starting to live my life after college. I don't want to get married anytime soon, I sure as hell didn't want to get married at 20.

She's 20, probably has money for the first time in her life, or none if she's in college, she's got a bunch of stuff to look forward too like bars and casinos. How would you deal with that?

Really man, it sounds like you only proposed to her because she was forcing it, you don't sound too confident in your decision to marry her.

Do you always get mad when you don't understand something? Not a mature way to deal with it, if you act impulsively, instead of think before you act or speak. How long before you get a handle on this type of behavior.

Don't worry, it won't be long before she tires of this behavior, who wouldn't. Its never about the problems you face, but in the way you deal with them.

Thanks, you I've been acting a lot better lately and we are starting to be better, a lot better..

Is it OK for her to have a male friend like that though? She said she's known him since they were in middle school and nothing is going on other than her helping him out with his girl issues and catching up

I think it is weird that she had sexually expressive texts, up to 100 a day, with her cousin. Are we talking first cousins here? Then she adds more men to the roster.

Her anger is her way of pushing you away, while she has her cake and eats it too.

She can't be emotionally committed to you 100% and have other men behind the curtain.

This to me is not about her, it is about why do you take this. Whatever her reasons are, you are not only trying to make sense of her, but you've taken on the impossible task of dealing with all the invisible foes as well.

I can only say that while you beat yourself up trying to be a better person, think about the fact that you were fine and she had no major issues with you- until she decided she wasn't ready to get married. Then suddenly, you are looking for answers to her behaviour by examining your own? Why were you good enough until she decided that you weren't.

While she figures out what she wants and needs out of a partner, she should be on her own, and you should be on your own and not dealing with her.

Sometimes love is just not enough. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour, particularly the cousin thing going on.

Why not separate and give yourself some time and distance to really think about what you want out of this life.

That's what I was thinking about a week ago I really was ready to move out until I started looking at it as a problem that originated further back. She had purposely lost contact with her old friends well most of them before she met me and was fine without friends and just having me for the 2 years that were golden, until the past few months she started making new girl friends, her cousin that she used to hang out with before she was with me came back into town and she reconnected with him. The messages were I love you's mainly like "good night i love you too" type thing. Then what happened was I got really worried/jealous of him I gave her a hard time trying to figure out why she wanted to hang out with him so much and why she was texting him so much I made her show me her text messages. So she thought that I didn't trust her which then about a week later she told me she thought we both weren't ready to get married mainly because she thinks I have no trust in her. Then the next couple weeks after we both were arguing about the issue a lot she told me multiple times that there was nothing going on and I didn't believe her so I think that's what made her reconsider because she thought I was controlling or something. During all of this she was texting a little with an old friend of hers that just came back from the military and the same situation popped up, now they text back and forth a lot but she has been telling me more of what they are talking about, I guess he's having trouble with his girlfriend so she's trying to help them out. I was bothered and still am a little about it. She insists that she will tell me when they hang out and if they do one of her girlfriends will be with them. The good news is she has the rings back on today and we are both happy and goofing around because I apologized last night and I am trying to get through this problem with her. She says that she wants to be with me forever still and wants to marry me just not on the date we had picked. I think what happened was when she reconnected to her cousin she realized what she was about to do and got cold feet sending her mind back to thinking about how she used to hang out with a lot of people/ be in contact with them. And she misses it she said she realized that she was living in a fantasy and it didn't feel healthy that she needed to hang out with her friends again. Im thinking maybe its just something that will pass I'm not sure but I am going to try to stick it out for a while and see what happens. If worst comes to worst ill leave but I may as well try to understand her side of the problem at the moment, I'm just having trouble dealing with my jealousy/ concern about these old friends of hers. What do you think?

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I noticed her attitude changed toward me when I got very mad at her for a very dumb reason, the reason was sending about 50-100 texts a day to her cousin who was sending her strange love messages. She insists to this day that there is nothing going on between her and him. They have had a very close past when they were teens and I just didn't understand the loving type of relationship that they have, it just seemed very odd and off the norm

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Personally, I'd still have a problem with this cousin, as you originally thought.

But, all things considered, it seems like this has all turned into fluffy stuff, and nothing significant really happened.

She has wishy washy excuses for her behaviour, and will continue with the excessive texting because it didn't, and hasn't meant a thing after all.

Is she still planning to hang out with people when you are at work, or does that all seem okay now too.

I guess kicking the cousin out one night because he was fixated on her chest and derrierre was what, over reacting? Knock that off the list too.

I am being purposely sarcastic because you are still considering marrying this girl, and there are some serious issues here that need to be addressed. The talking and communicating is at such a superficial level that she could feed you Dr. Ballard's Beef Chunks, and you'd say it was delicious, even as you were growing a tail and beginning to bark.

Marriage is very serious business is all I'm trying to point out. When issues of trust and betrayal surface, the foundation for your relationship has cracks in it that need to be repaired. Brushing it all off isn't going to repair the damage.

I hope you'll post again in another few weeks (or sooner) and let us know how this is all turning out for you. Maybe you're right entirely, and I'm out in left field with both my left feet in my mouth, but one way or the other, I'd like to know how you're doing.

Emotional reactions and impulsive behavior are surely going to keep you from seeing facts and undermine the foundations of your relationship. Trust, honesty, and communications.

You better get a grip on your own emotions.