Ask Me Help Desk - 17 and having a lot of complications

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, I am 17 and he is 23. He gets along well with all of my family as well as I do his. Something that I have always wanted to do was get pregnant and start an early family. Although it has always been a very difficult task for me to accomplish, With my current boyfriend as well as my ex in the past. My current boyfriend despite all of my failures decided to cheat on me 6 months ago which resulted in an unexpected pregnancy. Though I did forgive him for that now I am beginning to have jealosy feelings towards the other woman and the unborn child. I feel as if she took something away from our reationship,That will be his first child. Yet I can't even get pregnant,not to mention the fact that I was the strong hold of the urge to have a child in the first place. I feel like Our relationship is falling apart and I don't want to lose my Love, Although he assures me that he has no intentions of going anywhere Im still self conscious about the baby thing. He even used a condom with me the other night anfd we never do that I felt betrayed and insuted because he and I haven't used condoms in quite someyime now. I know its a lot and very confusing but I feel like Im going crazy whenever he's not around and if he leaves I don't know what ill do but I think I'm driving him away!

Tisha, I moved your thread to the Relationships board since you are not the one pregnant with pregnancy complications. I believe you will get very good advice here as we have some fantastic relationship experts.

For one, you're way too young to have a child of your own. Although you may be physically capable of conceiving at your age, a 17-year-old doesn't have the maturity necessary to be a parent. And when the time does come, you certainly don't want it to be with this man who didn't remain faithful to you. I think you've displaced some of your anger and hurt feelings onto this other woman and her baby, when the one you're really angry at is him.

Children should be conceived in a loving, respectful, and stable relationship.

This relationship is none of those.

1. He did not love you or he would not have cheated.
2. He did not respect you or he would not have cheated.
3. This relationship is not stable, if it were he would not have cheated.

I agree with S in that you are WAY too young to have a child. Physically yes, but mentally and emotionally no.

He is already going to have to pay child support for the next 18 years. He is already going to have a baby who does not live in a stable two parent household. Is this what you want for your child also?

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, I am 17 and he is 23.

Tisha, I’m sorry to assume this but I’m guessing your family life is horrible. I’m assuming this based on the fact that you want a child so young which is a condition that many young women feel when they feel like by having the child it will result in attention for them and offer them someone to love unconditionally. I’m also assuming this because if a 22 year old man showed up at my doorstep looking for my 16 year old daughter I would remove him from my property, the easy way or the hard way. The fact that either or father or mother or both support this boggles my mind. I’m all for dating younger women but when it’s illegal I think there’s a problem. I guess your parents didn’t see it like that.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but that is where the first problem is here.

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

He gets along well with all of my family as well as I do his.

See above.

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

Something that I have always wanted to do was get pregnant and start an early family.

Just out of curiosity, am I going to be paying for that baby? Do you have a job. Have you even graduated high school? Does your boyfriend have a job? What does he do?

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

Although it has always been a very difficult task for me to accomplish, With my current boyfriend as well as my ex in the past.

Thank God. I mean you ought to be on your knees praying and thanking God that you haven’t got pregnant. You can’t handle this.

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

My current boyfriend despite all of my failures decided to cheat on me 6 months ago which resulted in an unexpected pregnancy.

Big clue here. Do you see it like everyone else does. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He just sees you a young toy to play with. Your parents still like him though huh?

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

Though I did forgive him for that now I am beginning to have jealosy feelings towards the other woman and the unborn child.

Well you should. First the fact that you “forgave” him and continued to see him and have sex with him tells me you need a lot more experience being an adult before you try your hand and raising a child.

Second, your jealous is natural. It’s an emotion that’s trying to tell you something's not right here. You’ve got to listen to you emotions when they commuinicate with you. Since your not let me help, your boyfriends, a two timing loser who you should kick to the curb.

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

I feel as if she took something away from our reationship,

Two things. She didn’t take anything from you. He gave it to her.

Second, you should be back on your knees praying and thanking God that it was her that just got stuck raising that child. Speaking of which. Will I be paying for that child too?

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

That will be his first child.

Just think if he really loved you, the money he could have used to help raise your child will now be going to to raise this one. But he doesn’t love you, as you already know and hopefully you will quit lying to yourself about it.

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

Yet I can't even get pregnant,not to mention the fact that I was the strong hold of the urge to have a child in the first place.

Why? You haven’t even thought about that have you. Start. Seriously, write it down if you have to and figure out why. Let me tell you, I’m 29 years old and if I meet someone that a 14 year old child at my age I pretty much don’t give them the time of day. I’m not alone. You can’t even begin to imagine how your life will turn out and the kinds of people you’ll meet. Why give it up now before you start?

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

I feel like Our relationship is falling apart

It’s over.

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

and I dont want to lose my Love,

He doesn’t love you.

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

Although he assures me that he has no intentions of going anywhere

He already did.

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

Im still self conscious about the baby thing.

Yep this is where he went.

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

He even used a condom with me the other night anfd we never do that I felt betrayed and insuted because he and I havent used condoms in quite someyime now.

You felt betrayed because he used a condom but not because he stuck his Johnson in another woman? Do I seriously have that right?

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

I know its alot and very confusing but I feel like Im going crazy whenever hes not around and if he leaves I dont know what ill do but i think im driving him away!!

You should only be so lucky.

We say this a lot with older people here on this board but I’ve got to tell you, that you have seriously got a lot of emotional issues that need to be dealt with. You have a severe need to be loved and accepted. You should have got it from your parents (and by the way I’ve got some daddy issues as well, so this is not a knock on you) you should have got it from your boyfriend (emphasis’s on the word boy) and you desire it so much that your willing to through your future away for a baby that will (I’m guessing) grow up on welfare and without a dad. Yeah he’s going to leave. Everyone can see that coming.

Tisha, please finish school and learn a trade or just get some life experience even so that you have something to offer a child. Right now you have nothing. If your really loved your child you would offer it that along with a real man to be the father.

First of all: He got another women pregnant. That is not your problem, that is not your fault. This was his decision to make.

Second of all: There was no protection with this other person, they got pregnant. So you know what. Maybe you better let him wear that condem because you do not know what kind of disease or illness he is going to bring back to you, because he already slept with somebody else and got them pregnant. Who knows who else he has knocked up or had sex with.

Thirdly: Why are you still with this person. Obvously it is a good thing your not pregnant or did not get pregnant yet. You know why because you are with the wrong person.

Fourth: Get tested for HIV, Hepititis and all other sexually transmitted diseases to rule out any doubt. Get tested make sure you are clean, because say if you did have something this could also be another factor in the reason why your not able to get pregnant.

Fifth:
Sixth:
And more: Get tested, Move on, When and in the future sometime when you do plan on getting pregnant with somebody you can actually trust. The best thing is to learn a lot about each other first. Get this other person tested for everything and you show proof of your test and maybe then you will be able to have children. Just be happy and thankful your not the one pregnant. Honestly it is not your time and your not with the right person. I do believe when you are with the right person and it is true love things will work out for the long run.

Joe

OK I got pregnant at 17 now I'm 18 with a 3 month old baby boy and let me tell you its not easy 1 box of diapers to last a month is $35, then there's a increasing cost every month for every thing the baby is going to need, and don't get me wrong I would never take it back or change thing's. There's so much more to it then starting a family early, and if this guy has gone out and cheated on you the he is defiantly not the one to start a family with he is either going to do one or two things, one going to be there for his child with this other woman which is going to end up breaking you and him up, or two he's not going to be there for his child which show's right there what kind of father his going to be. So really you should wait a couple years to have a kid and when you do make sure it's with a guy who is going to be there for you and your child and who will not cheated on you... well I hope this helps

I ditto a lot of the other posts previous to this one. I think you are far too young to think about having a child. Having a child is a huge responsibility and it takes a lot of care and attention. I am certainly not questioning your ability to do that, I'm sure you probably have good motherly qualities. The thing is though, you are so young, you have not given yourself the chance to find out who you are, what else there is in life to offer. There is plenty of time for a family later on and you will probably be at a better place, emotionally and financially to support a family.

The other point I want to make is that this so called boyfriend of yours cheated on you with another woman and you somehow want to have a baby with him. The fact that he used protection shows that he is probably worried about having a second child in his life. I don't know, I am not in his mind so can't give you definite answers, what I can say is that he is a Cheater and would not be surprised if he followed a continuous pattern like this throughout his life.

Do you really want this to be your life?

I know you care for this person but ask yourself... 'do I deserve better?'

It's up to you, it's your life but think carefully before making impulsive decisions that could end up affecting the rest of your life.

Wake up kid, Nothing wrong with wanting a child, but there are things you need to do before you just jump into this. First get an education so you can get a job. Second find a man who will be there to help raise this kid and be a role model. This guy is none of these things, and if you weren't obsessed with motherhood, you could see that for yourself. Sorry, but you are not ready for the task of raising a baby, and if you put as much effort into improving your life, as you do obsessing about a baby, you would be on a better path for yourself and any future children. I can't believe your parents allow you to see a man that old!! And beware that your dude is tied to another female for the raising of his child, and what makes you think in your wildest dreams that he wants another baby by another woman. This baby thing is your fantasy, so wake up and don't put your future child through this crap because you haven't a clue what your doing!

Tisha I am very sorry for your pain and I won't try to minimise what you are going through. I agree with a lot of what has been said but I think it is important that you speak to a counsellor or someone else that can help you with your feelings. Yes, you are very young and he is still young but he is an adult in this situation. Try and talk to someone and spend some more time with people your own age. A child at this point is not really something that you should be wanting to achieve in your life. Please seek counselling or advice from an adult who you can trust.

Hey I'm a 17 year old male and one of my best friends just had a kid with a girl who is also a friend of mine, they both thought it was really cool there at first but what they didn't see was all the extra stuff that comes with it. You asked for advise so I am going to advise you to abandon your dream of having a kid until you finish your education and have a permanent job which can support a kid.

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Originally Posted by Tisha1

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, I am 17 and he is 23. He gets along well with all of my family as well as I do his. Something that I have always wanted to do was get pregnant and start an early family. Although it has always been a very difficult task for me to accomplish, With my current boyfriend as well as my ex in the past. My current boyfriend despite all of my failures decided to cheat on me 6 months ago which resulted in an unexpected pregnancy. Though I did forgive him for that now I am beginning to have jealosy feelings towards the other woman and the unborn child. I feel as if she took something away from our reationship,That will be his first child. Yet I can't even get pregnant,not to mention the fact that I was the strong hold of the urge to have a child in the first place. I feel like Our relationship is falling apart and I dont want to lose my Love, Although he assures me that he has no intentions of going anywhere Im still self conscious about the baby thing. He even used a condom with me the other night anfd we never do that I felt betrayed and insuted because he and I havent used condoms in quite someyime now. I know its alot and very confusing but I feel like Im going crazy whenever hes not around and if he leaves I dont know what ill do but i think im driving him away!!

I personally think you're brave taking him back after he did cheat on you, and like you say, 'took away' what you wanted. To be honest, you're same age as me, 17 and maybe now isn't the right time to have a baby? Think about what having a baby would entail, find out about speaking to other young mums, speak to a counsellor about how you feel about the situation. You need to live your life for YOU right now, you're still young and you need to make sure you're happy, that you have grounds for a baby i.e. financial support, home, emotional support etc. Without all of that and more, then having a baby right now wouldn't work. You're still young and you need to enjoy what time you have without a baby. I understand you wanting a baby, believe me, I really do understand, but make sure you do it for the right reasons, because if you do decide that this is what you want without having your life first, you may live wondering what it would've been like having peace.

Man, I hope you read this entire thread several times over Tisha and that it results in you doing some serious growing.
What gold mine of life wisdom and pain prevention you have here --- really really impressive!

Please listen and heed everyone's advice.