Ask Me Help Desk - My husband has a son with another woman. Can we make this work?

I met my husband when I was 18. He later told me he found out he was having a son with another woman who he didn't want to build a relationship with. He cried to me and said he wanted to know if WE can get through it and if we can still start a strong relationship. I agreed not knowing what I was in for. Few months before she had her baby I found out I was pregnant. To make a long story short, Our kids are 6 months apart. We were all young but my husband and I now 6yrs later are still together and have a strong marriage. We recently ran into her, with her new partner and my husbands son. We weren't able to talk then and there because well we just couldn't. I NEVER met her. My husband never had joint custody or any visitation privilages. NOt because they hate each other or anything but because well it just was never settled. He DOES and has always paid child support but now that we recently ran into them. I told him maybe we should arrange something. I told him that We are older now and that I am willing to support him with moving forward on seeing his son. I have so many questions and I wish there was someone who can talk to me. But for now these are my questions.

*Is it hard for my husband to start a relationship now that his son is 5 1/2 ?

*What will my ROLE be when my husband goes to court or fights to see his son?

*My son and her son are only 6mos apart, When is a good time to tell my son about his step brother?

*I don't hate her because well my husband is to blame for having 2 kids in a year but will her and I EVER be able to get along for the children?

*Will she trust me around her son?

*Should I just stay quiet and let my husband deal with the legal issues or should I be involved?

*Is anyone in the same situation and how is is coming along?

*What are a few pointers on starting to build a relationship with my husbands son and His mom. . I want this to be smooth. I am a strong and patient woman, I want to start this off the "RIGHT WAY"

THank u for your answers, ahead of time.. . :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Need4nswers

*Is it hard for my husband to start a relationship now that his son is 5 1/2 ? :)

I think it'll be easier than you think, especially since you have a 5 yr. old (his brother) in the house. The important thing is to not put this off any longer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Need4nswers

*What will my ROLE be when my husband goes to court or fights to see his son?

You are this child’s step-mother, so it would be your role to support your husband through the process, then to treat the child as your own. Since you have a 5 year old you already know how to treat a boy his age.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Need4nswers

*My son and her son are only 6mos apart, When is a good time to tell my son about his step brother?

This little fellow will not be a step-brother, but will be a half-brother. I think I’d tell your son immediately. I don’t think he’ll be upset, I actually think he’ll love the idea of having a brother.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Need4nswers

*I don't hate her because well my husband is to blame for having 2 kids in a year but will her and I EVER be able to get along for the children?

Unless she’s still wanting a romantic relationship with your husband, I can see no reason why you can’t be adult and civil with one another. A lot depends on the type of person she is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Need4nswers

*Will she trust me around her son?

I don’t think she’s going to trust you immediately, but I think it won’t take long to build the trust. When she sees that you are treating her son well and she sees that he likes you, her fears will fade.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Need4nswers

*Should I just stay quiet and let my husband deal with the legal issues or should I be involved?

I wouldn't push and nag your husband, but I would strongly encourage him to seek visitation. He's an adult now and since you two have a son he should realize how important it is to have a relationship with his child. Also remind him that the boys are brothers and need to form some bonds.

I think if you approach this situation with the same caring attitude that you display in your post, things will go just fine!:)

Devorameira laid that out beautifully, and I can only add that if the adults can get together on a good plan, then I think it will work well.

Your attitude is so right on, so talking to the others, your husband first of all, would be the way to go. Just don't push him, and see what his thoughts are. If he is happy with the way things are, and doesn't want any changes, back away.

I want to ask you why question now after you have already agreed to accept this lifestyle? Now to answer you questions: It would not be for the child because the child does not fully understand the situation at all. However, for the mom and new dad, it would be a difficult situation to swallow being that they are in a relationship. Your role, if your husband fights for his son, is to be a compassionate wife and let him fight this battle because he created it. You have to remember that this is an intense situation and if anything said that is out of place out of anger or is disrespectful towards the child or the child's family your husband and you could lose your chances, if this is the case. So many things can be said out of anger during this part of your situation by either party and you do not want to be a part of this. This is a moment for you to learn more about your husband. So stay behind him and just support, but do not talk unless you are ask to do so. I am sure your husband will appreciate this later.

Your husband and you need to decided when and if your son will learn of his half brother/sister not the world. If there is a situation where the two of you have to get involve (emergencies only: accidents, hospital visits or other family deaths) then take that chance and get right back to your relationship with the husband because other than that is not necessary. Your relationship is not with her but with the family your husband and you produced. Do not worry about her. The question is do you trust her around yours? After all, she cheated with your husband. Again do not worry about just take care of you son. Again, leave the legal issues with him. You have already agreed that you will support the issue but you do not have to fight his battles. He was there during the making of the child, leave this part up to she and him and accept the outcome. Why put yourself through anymore hurt than you have already received? I have been in this situation to an extent. Things fell into place. I stayed out of the way and my significant other decided that he wanted to work out our relationship. The other woman hated the idea that we were going to stay together so she chose to keep his son away from him. Now she is remarried and is repeatingly seeing someone else behind her new hubbies back. Sad!! To create a positive relationship, as I said early, only get involve when it becomes convenient: when your son is not being taken care of, when he needs protection, and even when you son learns of his other sibling and goes around him or her make sure you are present for all the right reasons, for your son. Do not think about the other lady or your husband because they have obviously moved on. It is not about them anymore but your son. You have already accepted the situation it comes with a price. So make it work but for you son's sake. He needs you and take care of him.

Also, remember to take care of your husband in the process. Do not forgot about being his wife, he needs you too. Remember to let him fight his battles.