Is my husband abusive or am I imagining it.
I am 34 years old and have been married for 17 years. My husband and I married when I was 17 and he had two children from a previous marriage. We also have three boys between us.
I love my family and I love my husband, but there are a lot of issues that I am trying to deal with. The main issue being that I feel like I am trapped and that he is controlling me – but I don’t know if it’s him or just me.
Up until four years ago we had some seriously physical altercations. Though they weren’t all the time, there were a few bad situations. When I almost left him (four years ago) that put a halt on a lot of issues. We worked things out and have been doing well. However there are still issues and some seem to be getting worse again.
When he comes home from work he gets ready for the gym and off we go. He is very strict about working out and he doesn’t like it if I miss the gym for any reason. He then comes home and goes right to our room to his computer. This is where he stays the rest of the night until it is time to go to bed.
He is a very loving and affectionate man. He likes to make me smile and give me things, but he is also high maintenance. He controls many aspects of my time and life. He has to talk to me as much as possible through the day and see me whenever possible. At home he wants me by his side and where he is at all times. He gets jealous if I spend too much time with our boys or doing anything else that takes time away from him. I don’t mind spending time with him or talking on the phone, but sometimes I can’t when I am at work and he becomes upset about it.
He is a very load and straight forward individual and this has been hard to deal with. He embarrasses me in public with his view on some issues and his comments that are inappropriate. I find myself apologizing form him, making excuses and lying at times.
If I have an opposing view about anything, I am wrong and there is no other way around it. He will argue with me on how wrong I am and become verbally abusive if I don’t agree with him. Basically he tries to force me to see things his way. This is a big problem!
Our children don’t go on field trips out of town, they don’t get to go to family members during breaks, and they don’t do things that we did as kids. They are not allowed to do anything unless it is with us. I disagree with this and it is starting to get worse. I hate the way they are always stuck at home and so I let them go to their friends houses and even to the pool with their cousins. He is not happy about this.
I try so hard to avoid confrontation. It is so bad that I have to think about what I say before I say it, just to make sure that I am saying it in a way that won’t cause problems. I worry that what I say will come back at me – and will cause a fight. No matter who is right or wrong in a fight, I am wrong. If I refuse to admit I am wrong, then he will pout, make me feel guilty or continue the fight until I cry and give in.
He has become increasingly harsh and snappy. He refuses to go to counseling because he believes they are brainwashers and we shouldn’t air our dirty laundry. He is very judgmental and critical of other people. So much that he will call a perfect stranger names. He has a short fuse and I don’t like to tempt it. When I try to talk to him about things he throws it right back at me. He says I am hormonal and that I imaging things or that I never listen to him and his feelings. I try to but his feelings always seem to blame me for everything, because I don’t see things the way he does. Everything is good as long as I agree with him.
Please understand he is not like this all of the time. He can also be one of the sweetest and most loving people I know. He is funny and encouraging in a lot of ways. He tells people what a wonderful wife I am and how much he loves me. He tells them so many good things about me that it embarrasses me. He provides well for our family. Everyone who knows us thinks we have a perfect marriage. I can’t talk to anyone and I don’t want anyone to think bad about him. Even our boys love him, but they get very upset with him too. They don’t like when he gets mad at me for stupid things.
Perfect example: My brother and his family were here for a week. I visited with them as much as possible, because I only see them once a year. He would come out of the room some, but mostly he just stayed in there. He became very angry with me over a popsicle carried into the living room by a baby. I wasn’t happy about it either, but he yelled at me that I had better start handling my guests. He also became upset because dinner wasn’t done on time one night and my some commented “let me guess, dinner wasn’t done on time right”. He only gets angry if it has been a while since he last ate. He has to eat every 2-3 hours in order to gain wait (bodybuilder). Never the less it hurt when my son said that. Then he became very angry with me because he doesn’t like something my doctor said and he threatened me if I didn’t find another doctor. I refused to agree with him this time and he is still fuming over it. He thinks my doctor is a moron and government led. He kept making comments about me not spending time with him and ordering me to bed at certain times.
He has a way of making me feel guilty about things so I stop or change what I am doing in order to avoid a fight. He kept making comments about me eating lunch with coworkers and how I didn’t have time to talk to him. So now I eat alone, unless he comes to have lunch with me.
I know that he loves me very much, but I am tired of making excuses and giving up things I want to accommodate him. At the same time I feel like I am being selfish and cruel to think like this. I wonder if I am just making it more than what it is or am I imaging it.
The worst part is, lately all I can think about or imagine is what life would be like if had died. How life would be for my kids and I. I have to be some kind of crazy person to think this way!
How could I even imagine throwing away 17 years of marriage, and doing that to my kids? What would people think?
Please tell me what you think, I am utterly confused, and scared.
Thank you,
