Hi - my man and I have been dating exclusively, seeing each other when not at work-sleeping together almost every possible night - for a little over 2 years. I am 51 - he is 57. Since we began dating all hell broke loose with my youngest child who is now 19. She was living with me at the start but no longer. She got into meth, went to jail over shoplifting, got pregnant and had a daughter, moved out of here to her Dad's, ended up getting arrested and the baby taken by social services and she just got out of rehab. My man has been patient with this, I just got diagnosed with BPD and am seeing a counselor over this. He and I have begun to have problems. He says he doesn't understand my life situation and wants no part of my daughter and those troubles. I have no family other than my kids and my other two older sons have had their share of trouble, too. I don't see any of the kids often. My man has put us on our 2nd "break" in a month and we've not had any before. He wants me to get my life together and is tired of arguing. About a year into our relationship one of his former long time girlfriends began telling me things about his past and she along another of his ex's planted some ideas in my head that have not gone away. This maddens him. I can't seem to let them go and this was the last straw in our last argument that precipitated our current "break". He has told me he loves me for a long time now - yet we never talk about our future together or marriage. I've told him I feel like I'm good enough to sleep with all the time but not good enough to marry. I am realizing a week into this break that I need to make huge changes in the way I deal with people. I must admit I am enjoying my free time to think, read, and reflect. But I don't want to lose him yet. I've called him and gone over once and it was cool - he and I just talked about daily stuff and no relationship topics. I'm missing him. He has stood by me for 2 years now. But I also feel a bit cheated by his proclaimations of loving me and not going any further with living together or marriage. Does anyone have any advice for this situation? Just wait it out and keep trying to sort my stuff out? Any and all advice is appreciated! Thank you

I think you have enough to do without worrying about him, and should back off, and let him be while you do.

Don't chase him at all. Stand on your own and deal with your own life.

Let him deal with his without you. Trust me, your about to see where you really stand as when people want a break, you give it to them, and do your own thing.

Sounds like you could use other things to do that you enjoy without him anyway.

My opinion, you should let him be. Get your own life strait and if she isn't beyond help, help that daughter of yours. Sounds like she got into a rough patch and if she wants it she needs some help. "Your Man" has been with you for two years and should respect that you have to help your own blood. If he cannot hack it then he doesn't need to be there. Sounds like he is just wanting a relationship, not a marriage anyway. (or maybe marriage scares him due to a previous one?) If he hasn't been married before and is as old as you say he is then perhaps marriage is something that he just does not want.

I think your biggest focus should be dealing with your BPD and working with your counselor.

A break might be needed here, and that includes sex.

You aren't wrong for wanting more, perhaps... but as a person who has struggled in the past with hard depression, I know I wasn't much good to anyone, including myself, until that was firmly addressed.

A partner that can't support you when times are tough, is not a partner to have at all.

Tal's right, if you can't lean on your partner, they aren't a partner worth having. You should always be able to count on your S/O

In a healthy relationship, you should both be there for each other. I'd say since he isn't, that it's a huge strike against him.

If he's not emotionally supportive and wants "breaks" whenever things don't go his way, I'd advise you to change the "break" to a permanent "break-up". You really have enough turmoil in your life right now to deal with.

Thanks for the input Talaniman. I know there are heaping helpfuls on my plate - there have been for 10 long years now. And really, the vast majority of it has not been my doing! It's brought out the symptoms of BPD - I initially went to the counselor over my daughter. You see, she has kept the baby from me, has not wanted to see me for 9 months or more... The baby is safe - she's in the custody of her father who's grandfather (where the boy lives) does everything and loves that little girl. My ex and his new wife help, too. As usual, no one needs me unless they need money or have been arrested. All of the kids have been this way and it's taken it's toll. I don't enjoy being with them anymore. That leaves me incredibly alone. Incredibly alone. Anyway - at my first session over my grief with the daughter, he asked me some questions, a little about my childhood and past, and Voilà - I met most of the criteria for BPD. I know, I know, be strong. That's all I have been for 10 years, alone. Doing all the work for my parents, sister, kids, ex... alone. I have no one to give me any comfort and it's getting old. One can only be strong for so long before they start giving up. I miss him and his attention and the way he held me at night and his company. He's been pretty noncommital all his life. His one marriage was only because his ex got pregnant TWICE before he'd marry her. They lasted 17 years and he walked. All this lack of commitment has played seriously on my feelings and doubts with him. I've asked him point blank if this "break" is his way of cutting it off with me to which I get "it's going to be all right, honey". He initially said he had to go to his cave and process stuff. Tell me though, if a man really loves a woman can he just go off and not call or see how she's doing? Am I being a fool to let him tell me that? How long do you wait? I know my life's a mess. It stresses me out sometimes. But to totally be without anyone who cares for me? What now? Please help me and give my your candid answer. That is definitely what I need right now. My counselor tells me he's been married 45 years and cannot really give a good judgement of what is going on in my relationship with a single man of this age. He's not been single in forever! Please.

Its not about him, its about you, and expecting him to meet your needs, and he doesn't know how, or is unable, or doesn't understand. So of course your disappointed. He can't make you happy, and never will, that's your responsibility.

You have to make yourself happy, by building a life that you enjoy, so you can be happy with yourself. Then you will put others in there place when they try to take that happiness from you. You will say NO, and mean it, and let them sink, or swim, in there own SH1T!!

Your right, you have a lot on your plate, and need to chuck it all, and start putting what you want on it. That means hobbies, and activities, and some cool positive people, who do interesting things. In short, a happy life, and a busy one. Leave the rest of the crap on someone else's plate, to choke on.

Happy people have much to share, and attracts more happy people. Now that's a great way to live, and not that hard to do, because you will enjoy your options, and opportunities.

Remember , "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger". You can always talk to us. I've never had to deal with what you are going through, so I'll just say , take this time away from this man to find yourself. Happiness starts when we start liking ourselves. You deserve a happy life. Blessings and Gods grace be with you.