I am in a mature relationship. I am 53, he is 56. We have been dating for 4 years. I was married before with 3 children. He has never been married. We are both attractive people, neither look our age and we work hard to maintain our youth. Problem, the past year he has started planning and doing activities without mentioning them to me either before or he mentions them after the fact. I have approached this topic a couple of times. I even wrote a heart-felt email explaining how this makes me feel. He has been doing this more and more lately and pretty much says, too bad, although he assures me that he is not seeing any one else. It might be better it he was, at lease I could move on knowing that I cannot control his desire for another and lack of desire for me. But can control my own destiny. We both have very demanding jobs but he has more flexibility in his work day. He does not have a problem rearranging his day for his activities, (that do not include me), but has to work whenever I am available. We do not make love but about every 2 months now, and that is because I initate the contact or conversation. I love him and always will but I am falling out of passionate love because of his behavior. I think he is so arrogant that he believes I am afraid of losing him to someone else, not true. I am sorry that I am losing him to his behavior... maybe it is just time to let it go? I need someone to tell me what I am sure I already know... OR please tell me what I don't know and offer suggestions and insight to what is happening.

Relationships can go stale without a loss of love or affection; doesn't necessarily mean that he is growing away from you. Although from what you say (and you certainly appear to have your head on straight!) he is doing just that with his lack of interest. A vibrant woman as you certainly 'sound' like would have no trouble at all picking up a new relationship but I can see why you don't want to do that after spending quite a while in this one. Relationships have to be worked at to maintain interest and viability.

Why don't you suggest a quiet get away at say a B&B where everything is taken care of and talk it out to make sure you are not giving up entirely on this long term relationship that could be going further or not.

Ms tick

I can't tell you what is happening,but going by what you have written,it seems his feelings have changed.

If you can't have an adult discussion about your worries
-he seems to just shrug it off,then I don't think you have much of a relationship.

Your concern is understandable after spent 4 years with him.
4 year is long time. Love can stale after initial freshness is gone in years. By the time partners have to make some decision where they want to proceed or withdraw.

Relationship only works when two partners are willing to give and take. You try to keep him close to you, but he is not listening, and chose to stay in his world without intention to include you. He needs to open up if he wants this relationship work. It is difficult to be with withdrawing man, and it is never been a good sign. Does he have any major issues, something like job related stresses or health related matters so on? If that is the case, his withdrawal can be temporary, and he may come back to you. But now, you even do not know what is in his mind.

How does he withdraw? Is he avoiding seeing you? Is he reducing the time spending with you? Is he closing up and does not talk about his mind to you anymore? Is he still good lover? Is the conversation getting superficial?

You said he was never been married. I hope he plans to be with you for the rest of life, but he can also run away from you. What is his relationship pattern? What are you picturing in this relationship?

You should not accuse or press him, but should not sit, wait and hope. You need to make time, and talk to him eye to eye as lover. Make it clear that you love him, you want to be close to him, but not trying to control his life. Let's see how he reacts.

Maybe this relationship has run its course and has no where else to go, and that's understandable after 4 years of just dating. I think the time for talk is pretty much over and requires actions on your part.

So end it already, and review better options for yourself.

After four years a relationship needs to normally move ( and will in one direction or another) If you are not living together and both have your own "lives" *** which is common in relationships of older people.

First it is often a healthy thing for each to have their own life, interest and activities, Is he doing things you want to be part of ?

Has there been discussion of the relationship moving closer ?

It’s really impossible to know what he’s thinking. There’s a lot of possibilities.

It’s possible that he’s interested in someone else. I know he said he isn’t seeing someone else, but I doubt if he’d be honest about it.

Maybe he resents having to answer to you. It’s possible that he feels like he should have a life without you sometimes - like he doesn’t think he should have to tell you everything.

Maybe he wants out of the relationship entirely. It’s possible that the excitement is gone and he thinks he should be gone too.

It’s just impossible to know. All I can say is - He’s obviously not investing any effort or time in you, so if you aren’t feeling happy, secure, and loved, you need to move on.

Sounds like he has zero interest in communicating with you, but enjoys whatever benefits you bring.

Sounds like a guy that's just coasting & does whatever he likes at the expense of others.

Wants a woman, but doesn't know how even now.

I would hope at 56, he has an inkling as to what he wants and is able to communicate it.

I wouldn't stand for the fact he's doing things w/o you & then becoming irritated about it. Especially when you've made efforts to ask why.

Some people never grow up.