Multiple threads merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread

Hi,


I was nearly sure that I have found my Mr. Right. I met this guy online and even if we are oceans apart, he came to meet me in my home country and is currently staying for several months to wait on the processing of my fiancé visa. Things were going on so well until one morning when I came home from work, I was greeted by him at the door and him pushing me out saying we should talk outside. That was when I suspected that he was hiding something. I asked him what was wrong and he admitted that he brought home a girl he found drunk while he was playing billiards. He said he was bloodguilty about just leaving the drunk girl in the company of drunk guys who might take advantage of her. I got mad at him and said hurtful words but now he's mad that Im not trusting him. We had been staying under the same roof for a while until he realized we should be apart because we are not married yet. I respected that and went home in my hometown. It was so painful that after all his promises, he would cheat on me this way (he still denies this though). Should I believe him? He's a very spiritual person and says he did not have a one-night stand with the girl he took home. I find it so unbelievable. Please help.

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Originally Posted by mred

I asked him what was wrong and he admitted that he brought home a girl he found drunk while he was playing billiards. He said he was bloodguilty about just leaving the drunk girl in the company of drunk guys who might take advantage of her

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Quite frankly, I wouldn't trust him either. This is a poor excuse. If she was that drunk and he cared so much "about just leaving the drunk girl in the company of drunk guys who might take advantage of her" he should have called her a cab. I would leave him. He sounds like a sleazeball

People like to put on façades, and play up their good qualities in the early stages of a relationship. Situations with alcohol are really touchy. First of all, no one is immune from the temptation to cheat, and in those situations, you should be together as a couple to protect each other from that temptation. These are some boundaries you need to set in a relationship (no drinking individually in settings with both men and women, no riding alone in a car with someone of the opposite sex, etc.)

Why not sit down and talk to him more about this. If he is telling the truth, he should have no problem giving you this girl's number and allowing you to send her a text or a call asking about what happened that night. It's his job to earn your trust, not your job to pry the truth out of him.

You weren't there so you don't know for sure that they did anything but I know if my GF ever caught me with another woman at my house, Id be done for. Especially if it was a night out drinking.

The only person that can help you with this one is him. You really need to sit down and have a good chat with him and really find out whether you can trust him. Because if you can't, there's no reason to continue with the relationship

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Originally Posted by jaime90

People like to put on facades, and play up their good qualities in the early stages of a relationship. Situations with alcohol are really touchy. First of all, no one is immune from the temptation to cheat, and in those situations, you should be together as a couple to protect each other from that temptation. These are some boundaries you need to set in a relationship (no drinking individually in settings with both men and women, no riding alone in a car with someone of the opposite sex, etc.)

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I don't agree with this at all. I'm sorry. I agree that relationships have boundaries, but this sounds ridiculous to me. I've never felt the need to have to protect my boyfriend from the tempation of cheating. Yes, I agree that no one is immune from the tempation, but I shouldn't have to babysit the person I am with, or stick to them like glue wherever they go to prevent them from cheating on me. This is where the whole trust thing comes into play.

My boyfriend would laugh in my face if I ever told him he couldn't go out drinking without me if there were other girls around, or drive in another car with another woman. And quite honestly, I wouldn't put up with someone wanting that sort of control over my life. It sounds absolutely ridiculous to me. I go out to a lot of parties, where there are a lot of men, and no, my boyfriend isn't always there and I've never cheated because I love my boyfriend, I respect him, and I respect myself.

If your boyfriend is going to cheat, he will find a way to do it. You can't police a partner 100% of the time and it would be exhausting to try! What ever happened to go old trust?

I never said anything about babysitting, but this is common sense. It's not just about protecting your partner, it's more about protecting yourself. All the time, guys come up to me and give me compliments or hit on me. All the time, I tell them not to flirt with me. Why? Because those comments tend to flatter me, and the last thing I want is to be smitten by those compliments. I don't cheat on my fiancé because I love and respect him. But to think that I will never be tempted to cheat, is completely naiive. It's about avoiding those situations where I could be tempted to cheat. If I drink, I want my fiancé to be there. Why? Because when I'm under the influence of alcohol, I'm a tease, and he can be there to set things straight.

Why more or less chuck you out if he was the innocent protector of this female?

No,I smell a rat.

I wouldn't believe him,nor trust him.

Actions speak for themselves,something is not right here.

If you believe what he is saying, you are too naïve.

If he is Jesus or gay, I will believe what he said. Otherwise, who know what he has done behind of your back until you saw the incidence.

Men do not take strange drunken girl home to protect them when they are drunk ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT. Please do some research about him if you can. Something is very fishy.

Jamie90: Guys come up and flatter me compliment me all the time too, they also do it when my boyfriend is around. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with someone complimenting you or flattering you, and as long as they keep it respectful, I don't have a problem with it and neither does my boyfriend. He can appreciate that other people find me attractive, knowing very well that I'm with him.

He isn't worried that I might become smitten with their comments then jump their bones! And neither am I. Temptation to cheat will always be there, we're humans, and no amount of rules, control or boundaries can eliminate that temptation, but I believe if you love someone and pledge yourself to them, you should trust that both of you will maintain that faithfulness and ignore all temptations.

Trust is a major ingredient of a solid partnership.

I agree in the trust. I agree that we can't get rid of the temptation. But sometimes, you can't just ignore it, you should avoid it. Why? Because you really can't ignore it. Certain situations can cause distrust. Like the maker of this poll's situation: The guy took the woman home drunk, and he was drunk too. Maybe nothing happened, but they were setting themselves up for something to happen. Not only that, but he's caused distrust in the relationship, and it doesn't look good for him. If he had AVOIDED the situation by not being in the situation in the first place, it wouldn't have happened. Are you saying that this girl just needs to trust that nothing happened that night? Trust is important in a relationship yes. Do you suggest this girl just trusts this guy, or should she check it out, and set up a boundary like: "Hey guy, if you're drunk, and I'm not around, don't hangout with
drunk chicks. And if I'm drunk, and you're not around, i won't hangout with drunk guys." Seems like a good plan to me. To you, maybe it seems like an inconvienience, but then I would ask you why you would defend the idea of you being drunk with drunk guys... I would question if there was something going on. You can't just ignore these situations, and neither can your partner.

I defend the idea of me drinking with other guys when my boyfriend isn't around because I have a lot of very close guy friends and my partner is 100% okay with me drinking with them (or casually with other guys) because I have never done anything to make him ever question that trust. Yes, I agree that by trusting someone to go out and drink without you there, you're running the risk of getting into situations like this, but you know what? That's what makes trusting someone so special. Because I can go out with my girlfriends, while my boyfriend goes out drinking, and I am happy to say I don't worry about what he is up to.

While your theory of always being there when alcohol is involved would eliminate any chance of something fishy going on, in my opinion that's not trust and I would never be with someone if I felt like I had to always be there with them. This is just how I feel though, obviously.

I have a lot of guyfriends too. Actually, all of my friends are guys, to the point where I have guys as my "bridesmaids" in my wedding, and I've never had a 'girl night' in my life. So, if I'm going to drink, I have no choice but to drink exclusively with guys. My fiancé is okay with me drinking with them because he is there. I wouldn't drink with them by myself, that's just setting myself up for something bad to happen, plus why would I want to drink without my fiancé? It's too much fun to drink together. We've never done anything to break trust because we've always been careful of the situations we are put in, and we have no reason to lose each other's trust, and we don't put ourselves in situations where we might make each other suspicious, or might open ourselves to temptation.

Time to get back on topic-which was giving advice to the OP.

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Originally Posted by jaime90

I have a lot of guyfriends too. Actually, all of my friends are guys, to the point where I have guys as my "bridesmaids" in my wedding, and I've never had a 'girl night' in my life. So, if I'm going to drink, I have no choice but to drink exclusively with guys. My fiance is okay with me drinking with them because he is there. I wouldn't drink with them by myself, that's just setting myself up for something bad to happen, plus why would I want to drink without my fiance? It's too much fun to drink together. We've never done anything to break trust because we've always been carefull of the situations we are put in, and we have no reason to lose each other's trust, and we don't put ourselves in situations where we might make each other suspicious, or might open ourselves to temptation.

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I think that's really great about having the guys as bridesmaids! I will probably have the same thing if I ever get married! ;)

I suppose the only thing I don't understand is why you think drinking without your fiancé with your guy friends is setting yourself up for something bad to happen? I've never experienced this worry before so I suppose that's why I don't understand it... I've never worried about cheating on my boyfriend when I'm out drinking or thought I was setting myself up for something bad to happen.

My boyfriend has never cheated on me, and I've never cheated on him. In fact, he tells me all the time how much it means to him that I trust him like I do, and likewise. Whatever works and makes everyone happy! :)

Back to the OP, I really do believe you should sit down and talk with him... While I think you should be able to trust your boyfriend when you're not around, once that trust is broken you really need to re evaluate and decide whether it can be built back. I don't think it acceptable at all that he brought a girl home and you shouldn't accept any excuses he has for this.

@ americangirl-thats understandable!
@mred- how are you feeling and is this helping?

I don't worry about cheating on my boyfriend, I'm worried about that temptation. And yeah, being a 5' 110 lb woman, drunk with a bunch of drunk guys isn't such a great idea... whether you are taken or not. Alcohol does weird stuff to people, and it's just not a good idea.

Yeah back to the op. I'm sticking with my first advice.

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I was greeted by him at the door and him pushing me out saying we should talk outside. That was when I suspected that he was hiding something. I asked him what was wrong and he admitted that he brought home a girl he found drunk while he was playing billiards.

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Did he do that when he was in his hometown or when you 2 were together?

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Originally Posted by AmericanGirl01

The only person that can help you with this one is him. You really need to sit down and have a good chat with him and really find out whether or not you can trust him. Because if you can't, there's no reason to continue with the relationship

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This is really very helpful. I try to sit him down so many times but he evades me. Now we have cooled off and he says we can't be normal couples until 28 days of cool off. I thought it was his gentle way of breaking up with me

[QUOTE=AmericanGirl01;2280441]I
If your boyfriend is going to cheat, he will find a way to do it. You can't police a partner 100% of the time and it would be exhausting to try!

Does it follow that if you love a person, you should trust him completely. He gave me a reason to distrust him and I really feel betrayed. We have cooled off but still maintain our communication lines. He is now paranoid that I'm always checking up on him when I text or visit him