I'm about to propose to my girlfriend of nearly 6 years. It's obviously a huge step, that I've thought about carefully. I've known for some time that I want to be married to her and have her be the mother of my children etc. I love her deeply, and can't imagine not being with her. However, thinking of getting engaged has been a source of anxiety for me. I believe that I've worked through my "cold feet" issues and am now ready to move forward. There's another however... About 2 years ago I cheated on my girlfriend, and she does not know. I became quite attracted to a colleague of mine. For a few months we texted back and forth, spoke on the phone late at night, and met for drinks a couple of times. One time I ended up driving her home, and we had sex. Soon after that we stopped communicating with one another and she is history. But it is now on the forefront of my mind again, because it is a secret that I've kept from my girlfriend, and it is a secret that I have planned to keep from her forever. But now I'm moving toward getting engaged, and the guilt is starting to return. I vowed to myself that I would never cheat on her again. I learned my lesson, it was a huge mistake, and I have a lot of regrets. Makes me nauseous just to think about it. Any feedback on the drawbacks of NOT telling her or of actually TELLING her. I'm not sure what the noble thing is, since I'm taking serious steps with her and making important decisions. Thanks.

This is a tough one.

I believe in honesty in a relationship, it's very important if your marriage is going to survive. Also, most times the truth has a way of coming out and telling her now will definitely spare her more pain if she were to find out later. It's never good to start a marriage with a secret like this.

Here's where I'm conflicted. You made a mistake, we all do at times, and you learned from it. You walked away from the affair and you've been faithful ever since. The affair is history, will telling her really change anything or will it only hurt her?

I really don't know what to tell you. I don't envy your position.

Maybe someone else has more solid advice.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

The affair is history, will telling her really change anything or will it only hurt her?

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I know that it would break her heart to know...

I will go with personal history. My dad did it. My mom found out 20 years later. We talk a lot and she told me she felt like she lost 20 years of her life, that it was all a lie. My dad told her it was a one time thing but she never recovered.
I would tell her. It would hurt her more if she finds out later. You can get over it by working together, but she can't do anything by herself if you wait longer... just my 2 cents.

I would also tell her. You really shouldn't start the marriage with this on your conscience, nor do I think you want to.

If she were to find out later think about how much worse it would be. This is the woman that love and want spend the rest of your life with, I really think you owe it to her to be completely honest and you'll just have to deal with the consequences of your actions.

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Originally Posted by pandead

My dad did it. My mom found out 20 years later. We talk a lot and she told me she felt like she lost 20 years of her life, that it was all a lie. My dad told her it was a one time thing but she never recovered.

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That is definitely food for thought... :confused:

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Originally Posted by jaxwalkerjax

I know that it would break her heart to know...

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I think that you need to look at why you cheated on her. You knew that this would really hurt her, and did it anyway - as a matter of fact, you had plenty of time to think about it since the flirting back and forth, late night talks had been happening for a few months already. I think, to be fair to the both of you, you need to really examine what's going on in your head and try to figure out what it is you really want.

The way I always approach these things is to reverse the roles: how would I feel if I had been cheated on in these circumstances? If I had not been told and found out months or years later, I would be just as devastated, though for different reasons, as when it originally happened. It would be an unhealable rift. So you also have to decide if you're the kind of person who can withhold a piece of information that would completely affect how your girlfriend perceives you.


No matter what happens, I wish you luck. I hope things work out for you both.

Here are some factors to consider:

If you don't tell her

1) You will have to keep it a secret and you will have to live with these demons, until it comes out on purpose or accidentally.

2) She will live in the dark. Entering a marriage based on a lie. The day she finds out, she will feel that the entire marriage was a sham and that you tricked her into the marriage.

3) There's no guarantee that this secret can stay hidden forever, are you prepared for the consequences if it comes out, whether by you or by someone else?

4) Are you ready to face all the above consequences?

5) There's always a possibility that the secret may never come out.

If you tell her now

1) You are owning up to your mistakes and facing the consequences of your actions.

2) She will be able to make a fair decision going into your marriage.

3) She will almost certainly loose trust in you and you might loose her instantly (i.e. break up).

4) If she's willing to give you a chance, it can take a long time to rebuild the trust. It will depend on how sincere you are and how much effort you are willing to put in to repair the damage.

Food for thought, but in the end, choices...

In my opinion,
If you tell her the truth, you will feel the heavy weigh is lifted from your chest, but the heavy weight will be moved to her chest, and she will suffer very deeply.
In the case, she will be a victim again (she was the victim, when you cheated on her first time.)

But, you should not hide it in your chest either.

My suggestion is you should see priest and confess your sin sincerely.
You can do volunteer work for church or complete any church program to pay off your sin with your heart.
It will make you feel relived and forgiven before you get married.
She will not have to suffer for your sin either.
I think it is a perfect way to start marriage without sin since you cannot undo the cheating.
I am catholic, and it seems very reasonable for me.

What do you think, guys?

The decision to get married is built on mutual trust, communication & forgiveness.

The last thing you want is for her to find out after that ring is on her finger. Like pandead said, repercussions even after 20 years.

I got to say, tell her. There's mistakes, and there's larger ones.

The last thing you want to do is start a potentially beautiful thing off on the wrong foot and impact others, like your family & maybe your kids.

This is going to take some serious communication. You may want to consult a marriage therapist about this.

I always think honesty is best. That way, at least you have removed the guilt. Which is exactly the issue.

Indeed, this is a tough call.

I have been married 34 years this July. I'm not sure that I would have wanted to know before we were engaged that he had been unfaithful.

Making a mistake, and knowing him as well as I do, and that it was only the one time, at this stage of the game, wouldn't make a difference.

Had he told me that he'd had an affair, I may very well have walked away, and missed out on the best years of my life with this man, had he told me before we were married.

My advice? You are the same person before and after, and there is a very loving bond between you and your soon to be fiancé. Think long term, and what you could lose by blurting it out, as opposed to accepting it happened, and that it will never, ever happen again, and saying nothing.

I think I'd go with keeping it to myself.

That's all hypothetical. Not sure how it would make a difference to you know if you found out after 34.

Although hear you, Jake.

There's also karma. I guess forgiving yourself first. Then deciding.

I guess I would have to ask how stable & cool things are now. What the communication level is.

Married or 6 years, well, in essence it's the same. Commitment, and hopefully growth with someone.

Sounds like this has already been on your mind. But, after 2 years. The proposing has brought it to the surface.

I would ask why are you proposing now?

Like I said, seeing a marriage pro may be a good start.

Where all honesty should be.

Look, I'm on the not telling her side of this discussion (in this particular situation).

You made a mistake - you know it was a mistake - you've thought long and hard about it and you say you won't repeat it. We all make mistakes because we're human. It's not wrong to be human. It's also not wrong to keep quiet about some things, under certain circumstances.

To tell your soon to be fiancée about what happened, because you feel you need to unburden yourself and be honest with her, will put HER in a difficult position. Yea, you will have done supposedly the right thing, but it will have consequences, you can be sure of that.

What are you going to say - "hey honey, marry me and by the way i had a one night stand 2 years ago..." er, I don't think so.

The way I see this is that it was your stupid mistake. You've paid the price and you know that how you're feeling NOW (guilty and uncomfortable) is part of the consequences. It's your responsibility to deal with this.

There is nothing that says we have to tell our partners everything about ourselves. There are times when for our partners well-being and happiness, some things are better kept quiet. It's in the past and it's your stuff - let it stay there.

Its all about how we live with our mistakes. The pros & cons spiritually, emotionally & consciously.

Everyone here is absolutely right. Its up to you.

Not us.

Your secret.

I have to say tell her.
What if 5 years down the line this secret for some reason crawls out of its cave?

Most likely it would break hearts.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Everyone here is absolutely right. Its up to you.

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Everyone's advice has been solid, and you've all provided great points/feedback. I guess I posted my question because I have been "on the fence" about this all for some time. I keep going back and forth, weighing the pros and cons, and get confused about it all. One day I think I "know" what the best thing to do would be, and the next, I'm not so sure... Thank you all. Wish me luck here!

Its your decision of course.

Fingers crossed for a happy outcome.

I mean have you ever heard of the saying "what they don't know won't hurt them?" I mean you have kept the secret for some time and like someone else said tell someone else about it to have complete forgiveness. You weigh the choice to tell her based on her love that she has for you and vice versa. I mean love is everything and people (that don't have personality disorders) can not function without relaitonships or love.

Tell her, and no matter what happens, you will know you did what's right, and she can judge for herself whether she can forgive you or not.

When you go with the truth, you have to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions, or get the blessings from doing the right thing.

It's a risk for sure, it can blow up in your face, and ruin everything, or it can be the best thing you have ever done.

I think your best course of action, the one I would take, is to tell her you want a life with her forever, but can't, because she has to decide for herself that you are worthy, and let her know your secret.

The rest is her decision, based on facts, and though it will hurt you both, it will either bring you together, or drive you apart, No one can predict her reaction, or if you have made the right decision or not. Only you can know if you can bear this guilt in silence or not. I think I would rather deal with the truth for the rest of my life, than know I have lied to my life partner.

I hope you have 6 years of good memories to back you up, because frankly, this is a life changing decision.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Tell her, and no matter what happens, you will know you did whats right, and she can judge for herself whether she can forgive you or not.

When you go with the truth, you have to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions, or get the blessings from doing the right thing.

Its a risk for sure, it can blow up in your face, and ruin everything, or it can be the best thing you have ever done.

I think your best course of action, the one I would take, is to tell her you want a life with her forever, but can't, because she has to decide for herself that you are worthy, and let her know your secret.

The rest is her decision, based on facts, and though it will hurt you both, it will either bring you together, or drive you apart, No one can predict her reaction, or if you have made the right decision or not. Only you can know if you can bear this guilt in silence or not. I think I would rather deal with the truth for the rest of my life, than know I have lied to my life partner.

I hope you have 6 years of good memories to back you up, because frankly, this is a life changing decision.

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I had to spread the rep Tal, but I can understand your logic as well!