I'm having a hard time getting over my ex-girlfriend. It was a mutual break-up a few months ago, but ever since I found out she has moved on with someone else, I've been pining for her majorly. The thing is that I know we weren't right for each other, and I think that with time, we could become good friends, but right now I'm doing NC because I can't take talking to her and seeing her etc.
She's recently broken up with her boyfriend, and phoned me recently to talk about her troubles, I did it even though it was hard for me because I care about her and I want her to be OK. It didn't help me to break NC but whatever, I'm dealing with it... slowly!
Anyway my question has to do with the $1000 I lent her during our relationship. I took it from my savings to help with her rent, happy to do it. She's paid some of it back but still owes me $400, and obviously we aren't together anymore.
Should I ask for it back or not?
My mind has been going back and forth about it, part of me wants to let her keep the money and just move on - but if I'm honest that is partly down to the fantasy I have that she will then see how generous and kind I am and will want to get back together with me. My heart is telling me that but my mind is telling me the truth - she's moved on already, get over it!
The real issue is that if I do ask for the money back then I know it will take ages for her to repay me because she is a student and she's not earning. I feel as though I can't get over her fully with the issue of the money hanging over me, I just want to move on, but its quite a lot of money!
I don't REALLY need the money, it was from my savings, but obviously it is a lot, and would be nice to have. And if I don't get it back then it will be as if I am paying for her to have had fun with her new boyfriend when they were together.
I know we're not right for each other, and I know I have to move on, but this money thing is really stopping me from doing that.
What do you guys think?

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Originally Posted by jitterbug23

I don't REALLY need the money, it was from my savings, but obviously it is a lot, and would be nice to have. And if i don't get it back then it will be as if i am paying for her to have had fun with her new boyfriend when they were together.
I know we're not right for each other, and i know i have to move on, but this money thing is really stopping me from doing that.
What do you guys think?

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Your situation is similar to mine. My ex owes me over 1000 as well but I gave her some and want the 1000 even. My head is telling me be a gentleman and give her all the money but I'll be kicking myself for not getting that money back when I am over her. I don't need the money neither. My suggestion is get it back if you can. You'll thanks yourself down the road.

You seem to have the right take on the breakup and that you should stick to no contact,so keep letting your mind rule your heart.

As for the money,I take it she hasn't mentioned anything about repayments?

I think she should have,as that's the decent thing to do.

The way I see it,it boils down to how important the money is to you.

Is it worth the constant reminder of the broken relationship if she were to make small repayments over a long period?

I don't know, how bad do you want the money?

You could take her to civil court if you wanted then the state would force her to pay it back all at once.

Is $400 dollars really worth having to keep talking to her?

If she was going to pay it back and if you expected to get it back before you broke up, then you should still expect it back now.

If you really did not expect it back then, you should not now either

It's the principle. Lending comes with the expectation that a repayment will follow in the future, unless terms change afterwards - otherwise, it's a gift. Plus, you claim that you can't get over her fully with that issue still outstanding. I would try to settle it.

I would absolutely want the money back. You helped her out for a specific purpose- her rent- and she has repaid all but $400.00 of it, and she owes you this balance.

Just keep it polite. I would send her a registered letter, or an email that you can copy, and keep to the facts. Something like, "Hi, I don't want to have to do this, but I could really use the $400 left owing on the $1,000 I lent you for rent. The last time you paid on it was ______. Hope all is well with you, John Doe."

Then wait a month, send another letter, same request, only, you expect to receive the money by such and such a date. If it doesn't come, then you'll have to take her to small claims court and have them enforce collection.

I get the impression that once you and her were no longer an item, then that cancelled the debt in her mind. But it is no different than you leaving a Micky Mantle baseball card at her place, or a coin collection, or expensive jewellery. She knows she owes you the money. I'd go after it.

I would have asked her what she was going to do about the cash, as soon as we had "mutually" broken up.

You have a right to collect what your owed, but when you ask her for it, have proof your collecting a debt. And her response to it. Emails, certified mail, something tangible to back up your word, in case she tells you to fvck off.

That's what Judge Judy would be interested in seeing, if this ends up in small claims court. Or a signed contract, but of course it was "sure honey, here's the dough!"

Love is dumb like that.

I did expect the money back when we were together, but I know that she's going through some tough financial stuff at the moment and although we're not together, I don't want to cause her any more stress than she already has.
Thanks for the advice guys, I don't think I'll go as far as take it to court, because then all the good memories that I and she have of our relationship will be replaced by court details etc. I don't want her to hate me, but in the same way I don't want to look like a pu$$y by just letting her keep the money.
My biggest fear would be that I let her keep the money, and then she just forgets about it later on down the line.
FYI she had forgotten about the money, I reminded her by email a month ago and she apologised for having forgotten. I kind of thought she had forgotten anyway. She said it would take months for her to pay back the money because she's not earning. I don't want to have to keep talking to her for months while she's paying me back. I want to get on with my life.
If I let her keep the money, I would just say to her that I don't want to cause her any trouble and I'm going to call off her debt. But does that make me a pu$$y? Other people have said that she's manipulating me, but I don't think she's like that, she's too nice for that.

Oh see also called me petty for asking for the money back. She said sorry later on for calling me that, but she still said it.

Calling you petty doesn't seem very nice to me.

Nor does not repaying a debt.

I suppose it hasn't occurred to her that she could borrow the money from somebody else and repay you the entire amount she owes you?

That's what I would do.

Nice people don't borrow $1,000 and figure they owe you nothing after they've paid some of it off. Nice people don't 'forget' they owe somebody money. Try that with the power company and see if the lights are still on.

I'll say it again, this has nothing to do with the relationship. Replace the money for your cell phone, your car keys, a few rings, and a couple of credit cards, and the reality is, this belongs to you, and why wouldn't you expect your assets back?

If you can truly afford to let the money go, which I personally cannot imagine, so you don't upset her, then let it go and forget about it. But, if this is important enough to get it back for all the right reasons, then insist upon knowing when she is going to pay it back.

You aren't making her feel bad- she should feel bad- it is her debt!

Up to you.

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Originally Posted by jitterbug23

. . . other people have said that she's manipulating me, but i don't think she's like that, she's too nice for that. . . Oh see also called me petty for asking for the money back. She said sorry later on for calling me that, but she still said it.

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After calling you petty, and then in hopes you'll forget about the balance by telling you it'll take months for her to repay what is rightfully yours; I agree with said other people. She is manipulating you. $400 isn't chump change.

She could at least borrow it from her mom and then pay her back so you don't have to deal with her anymore and both of you move on.

To me, this falls under principle and all the good times of the relationship would be set aside to make things right. There's a lesson to be learned here by her: TANSTAAFL.

I've mixed feelings on this one... the cost of mental stress with continued contact and fighting was never worth the crap I lost by walking away, including money. I'm not afraid of confrontation by any means... there were just times when I had to cut my losses for my own sake.

So... decide what is worth the fight and stress and run with it.

You are NOT being petty for expecting her to pay you for the money she was loaned.

What... if a commercial creditor extends her credit and then she decides to walk away she isn't obligated to repay her debt?

It's a risk you took when you loaned the money... you might need to write it off, chalk it up on the bad decision board. Or fight it to the end, if that's important... she shouldn't neglect her debts.

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Originally Posted by jitterbug23

I don't want to have to keep talking to her for months while she's paying me back. I want to get on with my life.

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I have to agree with KP on this one. Sometimes you have to cut your lossed and it seems like this may be one of those times. You said you don't need the money. Just let it go. Maybe one day when she is in a better position, she might pay you back. In my opinion I don't think its worth the mental anguish you will have to go through over the next couple of months as you stated.

I have mixed feelings on this one.

On the one hand I understand the wisdom of just letting it go, walking away, sticking to no contact and getting on with your life.

On the other hand, this is your money and you have a right to be paid back. I hate it when people expect you to just forget their debts when you did them a huge favor.

What you do is up to you, it depends on how well you're able to handle having to contact her for the money. It sounds like you're not over her, have some hope to rekindle the romance, that's not good.

Let us know what you decide.

At the moment she's been contacting me via email, which is really hurting my chances of ever getting over her. You're right Altenweg, I do have hopes of rekindling the romance, even if I'm telling myself not to. I can't help it.
I think I should just cut my losses and forget about the money, its not worth the pain I'm going through right now, but I know that sooner or later I'm going to have to tell her to stop contacting me, and to forget about the money. I'm not sure I can do that yet, because even though I know it will never work between us, I don't want to let her go.
At least I've learned a lesson for next time: don't lend a girlfriend money! Although to be honest, if I'm going out with someone new, and I have a chance to help them, then I don't think I would turn them down. I'll never know until it happens I suppose!

I would block her email, if you think getting your money back is too much hassle.

Peace of mind is priceless.

Just an update, last night she phoned me and started on about how she's depressed about her new boyfriend (or ex, after me anyway). I had to listen to her because it would have been rude to stop her dead and just hang up.
The thing is that yesterday I was feeling really good, and felt really over her. I still thought about her, but things had changed, I didn't want to get back together with her, I wanted to be single for a while, because its so liberating. But then she phoned me and now I'm struggling to tell myself to revert back to the feelings I had yesterday. I don't want to get sucked in to falling in love with her again.
It really sucked when she would talk about her ex-boyfriend to me as if I were just another friend of hers, she's so self-centred if she can't see how wrong it is to talk to me about that stuff. It really hurts.
I know I should keep NC, but she's always phoning me! I can't just tell her to stop phoning me, or should I do that?
The thing is, at the end of the phone call, she whispered that she really loves me. I think its just because she's feeling lonely and I was there for her and making her laugh all the time. God I love her laugh, but I can't go through this again. Tell me what to do, anyone?