Ask Me Help Desk - On a break, what now?

Okay, this may take a while.. .

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for six years now, a large part of which have been spent living together (firstly at my parents house, then hers folks and finally our own place). Things have been "off" for a while as she seemed very withdrawn and distant.

We eventually sat down and things came to a head and she told me she loves me, but is no longer "in love" with me, that she feels emotionally numb (towards every aspect of her life, not just the relationship, her job is getting her down etc). As is understandable this devastated me. I'll be honest and say I didn't react well, becoming very emotional and upset.

So to cut to the chase we have both agreed we are "on a break" (what does that even mean anyway?). She says that there is a chance we will reconcile and carry on the relationship in the future. No deadlines or targets have been set (i.e NC for a week, live apart for a month and see what happens, etc).

Since that time she has been out with a friends a number of times and I mine. Initially she was quite optimistic about the ordeal sending me messages telling me she loves me and even pointing out that the relationship isn't "over" per se. Since then though it's like a switch has been clicked and she has gone very much the other way being less communicative or even talking about "us". It's been just over a week now and I'm out of the house again to give her space as I'm off work for a week (the situation isn't helped by the fact that we have a house together and given the current economic climate cohabitation is really the only option for the foreseeable future).

I'll also be honest and say that, as expected, I've been the overtly emotional one with the usual flurry of texts and phone-calls. I've calmed down a lot since the initial few days but still find myself looking at my phone every so often in the hopes of a message (and answering her messages straight away truth be told, if and when she sends them).

I realize that there is a long (and uncertain) road ahead of me and that I have to try and reconnect with myself and my friends and to live separately from her as best I can given the situation. She has been very understanding and patient with me so far, we are best friends as well as partners which makes the situation even more chaotic. The one person you want to confide in, and, well you can't.. .

It if helps as well I will also say a lot of the situation has not been helped by us both slowly losing ourselves in each other over the course of the relationship to the detriment of other personal relationships (friends, family, etc.). Another disclaimer is that I have also been quite stifling in the relationship at some points making her feel bad about going out due to my own insecurities (yes, I am getting what I deserve now, I know).

I guess I'm just looking for some general guidance. I know there is no magical set of guidelines to make all of this go away. Has anyone been in a similar situation (the length of the relationship, the cohabitation, etc) ?

I think its good to do your own thing and it sure can't hurt to take a break. It may be to late to ask why you agreed to something you don't understand, but for now get through the week and go home with the lessons you have learned and see what happens.

Its telling you can't make it a while without being around her. Hope she misses you as much. (if you have let her).

Thanks for the reply. We are still talking, but not too much allowing for space. I've been seeing friends and organising other stuff for when I go back home that will give me something to focus on. I've also learned a lot about myself the last few days, especially where the relationship is concerned.

From what she had said she has no clear idea why this numbness has occurred. She gets quite upset and frustrated when she chooses to talk about it. It sounds like burnout or depression, I don't know.

The hardest thing right now is missing her and not knowing if (not when, I'm a patient person most of the time) the relationship will continue.

I think she will end it soon.

Any particular reason you would think or say that?

I think Talaniman is right,sadly this has most of the signs of'the feelings have changed and the commitment to working on the relationship is lacking' scenario.

Step back,get on with your life and treat this as a likely breakup.

From a woman's point of view, six years is a long time for a gal to wait for a commitment. Have you proposed? Is there a ring and a date?

You see, after this long she may be left wondering if this is all she is going to get from you. You know the old saying, "why buy the cow if you get the milk for free."

Not only is she under stress from her job, but she's probably left wondering if this relationship is ever going to go the final step... marriage.

For now, the best thing to do is go complete NC. Give her time to miss you. Give her time to sort out her feelings without having any input from you. Not your voice, not your texts... nothing.

Take this time to reflect on what is not only right, but what is wrong with this relationship. Are you willing to take the final step with her?

She did actually mention the getting married situation when the break wa@ first mentioned. I was waiting for a perfect scenario.

Quote:

Originally Posted by donutz

I was waiting for a perfect scenario.

You'll be waiting forever. There's never a "perfect" scenario.

Quote:

Any particular reason you would think or say that?

Because if you have fiddle fu'kd around this long (6 years) why should she have the confidence that you will get serious, and work for the future with her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by donutz
I was waiting for a perfect scenario.

You could have made the "perfect scenario" years ago, if you were serious. Even now I bet your still just chit chatting about nonsense to return to your status quo, that anyone can plainly see she was running from.

Your lucky she is even talking to you, as your obviously not doing anything important enough to restore CONFIDENCE, that you can deliver more than lip service.