Ask Me Help Desk - How do I ask my best friend if we had sex, I don't remember.

I recently broke up with a wonderful girl, because she was not ready for a committed relationship yet. Naturally this made me rather sad, so I went to hang out with my best friend (who is female) and get drunk. We've been friends for 10 years, since we were at college, and although I've always fancied her a bit nothing has ever come of it. We've shared beds before with no problem.

After getting drunk I don't remember getting back to her place, or anyhting really after leaving the pub. It was a really good night, it always is when we hang out, that's why we have been so close for so long.

I remember waking up with blonde hair in my face and not being sure where I was (she has a new apartment so I've not been to it before), we still had some clothes on, but less than we would normally of had when sharing a bed, and they could easily have been put back on before passing out. We were also cuddling, not a normal thing to wake up doing as we normally leave a big gap when sharing a bed.

She just got up, was normal, got dressed and made tea. I don't know if anything happened or not, and I don't know whether I should ask her. If I ask her, she might remember and if something happened it might screw up my oldest friendship.

How do I go about asking?

If she's as good a friend as you say, you tell her what YOUR last memory was, and ask her if you have anything to apologize for--like not REMEMBERING something.

She is a very good friend, and for her I am one of a very very small number of people she trusts. She has rahter big trust issues and I'm scared that if something did happen and neither of us remember, when I ask her she might and then things will screw up.

Better to ask now, in early days, than have to wonder forever--or find out in a month or two that you're going to be a daddy.

She's on contraception, has been since she was 20 so she won't have got pregnant. Still you're probably right. I really hope nothing happened, she is so important to me, I'm not sure how I'd cope with losing her friendship.

Start with an apology--that will help.

And contraception sometimes fails.

Apologising without knowing what for will piss her off. I'll have to think of a good way to phrase it. Yes contraception does sometimes fail, but very rarely, especially the type she uses, so that's really not a concern.

Honestly I feel like a moronic teenager. This is the kind of crap I expect to get from my students, not myself.

Hmm I think I'll go with:

How far is your place from the pub? I can't remember anything between leaving and waking up in the morning.

If something happened she'll know that's what I'm asking, if nothing happened she'll answer the question. That should work.

I would leave it alone and not mention it. Chances are she was more sober than you and walking upright if she found her way home with you in tow, and had anything happened while you were in that extreme state of intoxication- managing buttons and zippers etc. it was most likely a sad attempt that didn't go anywhere.

That she got up in the morning and made tea and never mentioned it, means that she too didn't remember anything sexual happening, or she fell asleep trying to coordinate her fingers to undo your shirt, or the clothing that was removed was just some root behaviour that you would have done in your own bedroom out of habit, not design.

Who knows. People that soaked in alcohol with a blackout such as you've had, are only guessing at what their behaviour was, because they will never know. Especially if their partner was as thouroughly sauced and likely also passed out, which is the body's way of saving you from yourself. Ever hear of alcohol poisoning?

I don't know what an apology would do. It was not an accident; the whole night was a blank to you, you have absolutely no excuse for your behaviour, and what you may or may not have attempted to do is probably the least of your problems.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I would leave it alone and not mention it. Chances are she was more sober than you and walking upright if she found her way home with you in tow, and had anything happened while you were in that extreme state of intoxication- managing buttons and zippers etc., it was most likely a sad attempt that didn't go anywhere.

Whatever sort of attempt it was wouldn't really matter. It's that making such an attempt could hurt her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

That she got up in the morning and made tea and never mentioned it, means that she too didn't remember anything sexual happening, or she fell asleep trying to coordinate her fingers to undo your shirt, or the clothing that was removed was just some root behaviour that you would have done in your own bedroom out of habit, not design.

That's possible. It's also possible that if something did happen she would keep quiet about it at first, to give her time to process it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Who knows. People that soaked in alcohol with a blackout such as you've had, are only guessing at what their behaviour was, because they will never know. Especially if their partner was as thouroughly sauced and likely also passed out, which is the body's way of saving you from yourself. Ever hear of alcohol poisoning?

She was probably less drunk than me, at least a bit as I remember her topping my glass up more than her own. Indeed I don't know what happened after leaving the pub, which is the point. I have indeed heard of alcohol poisoning, in fact I am a biologist by proffession, with a shiny doctorate and everything, and my friend is a medical doctor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I don't know what an apology would do. It was not an accident; the whole night was a blank to you, you have absolutely no excuse for your behaviour,

An apology, if I did something, would allow her to know I was sorry. Apologies aren't about accidents apologies are about recognising you did something wrong and taking responsibility, so an apology would demonstrate that. I don't know if I did anything wrong, however so I will wait until I do to find out if an apology is necessary.

Only the portion of the night after leaving the pub was a blank, the rest is a pleasant memory.

When you say there is no excuse for my behaviour do you mean getting drunk with my best friend whilst feeling horribly low after a break up with a woman I seriously thought I was going to marry? Or do you mean something else?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

and what you may or may not have attempted to do is probably the least of your problems.

What do you mean by that? I have very few problems, in fact at the moment they amount to really missing my girlfriend, sorry ex-girlfriend and wondering if I have done something inappropriate with my best friend.

The best apology you can do is not good enough. You made choices to drink enough alcohol that you were most likely rendered unconscious from, you had a long period where you were blacked out, and I don't hear you saying that this was the first time. Correct me if I'm wrong, but my experience as an Addiction Counsellor tells me that the obvious signs of a problem, that are denied or suppressed, or dressed down to thinking an apology to somebody else for the resulting bad behaviour, is the least of your troubles.

Do you think that you have a problem with alcohol? While your friend may be a Doctor, and you may be a Biologist, both of you sounded to be too drunk to put toothpaste on a toothbrush. Alcohol does not discriminate between those with doctorates, and those without. Booze is booze.

Not withstanding the fact that I could be entirely wrong, and this could have been an isolated incident, the casual way you downplay the blackout and excessive drinking, compared to the desire to apologize for something you don't even know if you did or not seems to me, in my opinion, to be putting the cart before the horse.

What you do know is that you behaved badly with not being able to control your drinking, what you don't know, is if you have anything to apologize for to your friend. If she brings it up, then by all means talk about it. But from your original post my opinion is that an apolgogy is the least of your problems.

I do suspect that this was not your first blackout, and it won't be your last. I honestly hope I am wrong, and don't expect you to explain your drinking habits! But, IF you have experienced problems with alcohol and your resulting behviour in the past, I hope that you are able to see that what happened on that night, was a wakeup call.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

The best apology you can do is not good enough. You made choices to drink enough alcohol that you were most likely rendered unconscious from, you had a long period of time where you were blacked out, and I don't hear you saying that this was the first time. Correct me if I'm wrong, but my experience as an Addiction Counsellor tells me that the obvious signs of a problem, that are denied or supressed, or dressed down to thinking an apology to somebody else for the resulting bad behaviour, is the least of your troubles.

It was the first time, actually. I drink any alcohol at all maybe 3 times a month, on a month when I'm drinking a lot. Between September and now I can remember about 10 times I've drunk at all and 3 times I've been drunk. When I say I can remember I mean it in the sense that I don't keep track so I might have forgotten one or two, and I go back to septemeber as I work on Academic years so that's a anatural break point in my head.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Do you think that you have a problem with alcohol? While your friend may be a Doctor, and you may be a Biologist, both of you sounded to be too drunk to put toothpaste on a toothbrush. Alcohol does not discriminate between those with doctorates, and those without. Booze is booze.

We were very very drunk, but as I said above that is far from usual.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Not withstanding the fact that I could be entirely wrong, and this could have been an isolated incident, the casual way you downplay the blackout and excessive drinking, compared to the desire to apologize for something you don't even know if you did or not seems to me, in my opinion, to be putting the cart before the horse.

The excessive drinking on one night is hardly as big a thing as the potential of screwing up my longest standing and closest friendship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

What you do know is that you behaved badly with not being able to control your drinking, what you don't know, is if you have anything to apologize for to your friend. If she brings it up, then by all means talk about it. But from your original post my opinion is that an apolgogy is the least of your problems.

OK this is the bit of advice I was looking for, thank you for that. It's not that I couldn't control my drinking I was intending to get drunk. I was surprised to have memory loss due to having never had it happen before. As a result I now know how much alcohol will have that effect on me so I will simply not consume that much. I don't feel getting drunk is behaving badly and I don't think being drunk in and of itself is anything to apologise for.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I do suspect that this was not your first blackout, and it won't be your last. I honestly hope I am wrong, and don't expect you to explain your drinking habits! But, IF you have experienced problems with alcohol and your resulting behviour in the past, I hope that you are able to see that what happened on that night, was a wakeup call.

I've really never had problems with alcohol, nor done anyhting under the influence of alcohol that has later caused me problems as, whilst I've been drunk I've never experienced a loss of memory before and I have always maintained enough control to not do anyhting stupid. I figured the one may have been accompanied by the other, particularly given the circumstances, hence worrying about messing up my friendship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monkey42

She's on contraception, has been since she was 20 so she won't have got pregnant. Still you're probably right. I really hope nothing happened, she is so important to me, I'm not sure how I'd cope with losing her friendship.

Um... you can't assume that. Plenty of people here have still gotten pregnant using MORE THAN ONE form of contraceptive.

I personally wouldn't worry too much about pregnancy, first, she was on birth control, and second, given the state he was in, I doubt anything happened at all.

I'd like to insist on the second point. Jake2008 already mentioned it in his post. If you're so drunk you have a blackout, you're certainly in no state to conduct a sexual intercourse - and then get dressed again? What is it exactly that makes you think you had sex? That you woke up cuddling? If you say you never had blackouts before, it means this time you were in a really poor state and in no condition to do anything.

Which doesn't mean that you couldn't have been a jerk, or that she didn't have to drag you all the way to her place while you were singing stupid songs and falling down every two steps. What I mean is, you can certainly apologize for being a drunk and a burden - something along the lines of "I'm sorry I got so drunk that night I don't even remember getting back to your place, sorry if I was a pain in the a$$ and had you drag me all the way to your place.. did I do anything stupid? I probably shouldn't drink that much anymore".

As a side note, I don't have a phd in biology, so I fail to see why she shouldn't remember anything unless you ask her - or any indication that she even had the blackout at all.