Ask Me Help Desk - Thoughtless Gift from Best Man

My husband and I were honored to have his brother as best man in our wedding. The brother was married several years ago, and my husband was his best man. He flew halfway (literally!) around the world to be there, took 2 weeks off from work, paid for his own hotel expenses and a rental car for a week for extended family members, and gave a generous monetary gift of $1,000 as their wedding gift (he was advised they needed cash more than anything else). We realize it is not about the money or the gifts, but we were really hurt by the little thought the brother and wife put into our wedding. Initially the wife told (not asked) us her 2 year old son would be the ring bearer. She later backed him out of the wedding because he embarrassed her as a ring bearer in another person's wedding. One of my family members hosted a wedding shower for us and we received a small picture frame from them which we later discovered it was a re-gift. At the rehearsal dinner and reception, the wife bragged how she loves coming to these types of events because everyone loves her kids and she does not have to bother watching them. As a result, the 2 year old almost took our cake down before we cut it. We received their wedding gift in the mail after we got home from our honeymoon and the wife insisted she wanted to get us something that was not on our registry. Here's what we got... 3 small kitchen items/gadgets that we already own... hence, that is why they were not on our registry. Seeing how this gift was from the best man and his wife, my husband felt comfortable explaining to his brother that we already have these items and though we appreciate the gift, we would like to return them and get something we can use and be reminded of them. His brother had absolutely NO IDEA what his wife got for us or where she purchased them from. He later told us two of the items were from Walmart and the other one she could not remember (but she supposedly brought these items all after the wedding - I don't understand how she cannot remember where she brought something in the last week.) It appears it is a re-gift as the box is heavily damaged and the other two items' packaging are in good condition. We are constantly reminded how the brother is in financial woes. It's hard to take it seriously though when the wife (who is a stay-at-home mom who has never had or wanted to work) and brother travel frequently for pleasure. The wife had the nerve to brag at our wedding how she paid thousands of dollars of her husband's money for her husband's birthday gift that was in the same month as our wedding. We were never looking for an expensive gift from them... just a gift that had some thought and effort put into it. Sorry for the long post, but has anyone had a similar situation? We want to have a good relationship with the brother and wife, but it's difficult to know how much of a low priority we are to them. Thanks in advance for the advice and opinions! :)

I believe you may be suffering from what I call mid-judgement syndrome here which is a bit like mid-management crisis. Either you need less judgement or more even... and I know that sounds a little crazy but hear me out, okay?

Less judgement would basically mean less information. So maybe you can try to block out incoming knowledge. It sometimes takes drastic measures like some invisible form of "la la la la la I can't hear you" and looking the other way. It works on the "what you don't know can't hurt you" basis. I rarely am able to pull it off however so that's why I know about the second path.

More judgement means you really see who they are and suddenly Eureka! The light goes on that you have been holding them to standards that just don't apply. I mean you don't ask the man with the broken legs to run the 100 yard dash, do you? Well if you look close, really close, you will see two people with broken whatevers and then you'll know not only what to expect of them but how you can manage to keep your distance too.

And the really cool part to this is IF you keep your distance long enough, you'll be back the first path where you have very little info to judge them on at all. Presto! Isn't that cool?

In any regard, that good relation you want is not possible because of who they are so be sure to chuck that desire out the window as its not helping anyone. At best, I think you'll find it will be limited and superficial. Sorry.

There's always fights at weddings and funerals I've no idea why but when families get together its always the same! I personally would just appreciate what you got and don't let it cloud over one of the happiest days of your life.

The gift was thoughtless, it seems.

Best you can do is not expect a lot from them and then you won't be disappointed, kind of the tract val said.

Next time don't be so generous... you'll never get it in return.

First this is not about them, its about you! You seem to think there is supposed to be a quid pro quo in gift giving. So you are upset because your contribution to their wedding was so much greater than theirs. Let me ask you this. Did you or your husband enjoy making the contribution to his brother's wedding?

Sure your sister-in-law sounds like a piece of work. Yes they are thoughtless and rude people. But do you think you will change them? They will probably be like that for the rest of their lives. But they are family. So what do you do? You treat then cordially if you can't treat them warmly. You throttle back what you spend on gifts. You do what feels comfortable to you.

What you don't do is expect anything more from them they they have shown they want to give.

Let me see, for some reason you believe that your husbands brother is suppose to act the way your husband does,

Get over it, he won't, and you getting upset at his brother will only cause harm latter between you and your hubby.

So they are cheap and bossy, get over it, that is the way they are.
You got three gifts more from his brother than I got at my brother or mother at my wedding.

And you let him be ring bearer, since only you and your hubby can make that choice, saying no works at weddings like it does for drugs.
Just Say NO works for all sorts of things.

You can let his drain on you for years, and it can not change what has happened, you can go off and tellt hem off which will only come back when your hubby and his brother decide to do something together.

It appears she controls the money in that household and your hubbys brother does not force anything with her, that is how they are.

You are also comparing gifts, sorry but a re-gift is still a gift and can be nice, get over that also.

And so you don't expect nothing from them in the future,

You can not change what happen, and getting upset about it, will not change what is happening.

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

I believe you may be suffering from what I call mid-judgement syndrome here which is a bit like mid-management crisis. Either you need less judgement or more even .... and I know that sounds a little crazy but hear me out, okay?

Less judgement would basically mean less information. So maybe you can try to block out incoming knowledge. It sometimes takes drastic measures like some invisible form of "la la la la la I can't hear you" and looking the other way. It works on the "what you don't know can't hurt you" basis. I rarely am able to pull it off however so that's why I know about the second path.

More judgement means you really see who they are and suddenly Eureka! the light goes on that you have been holding them to standards that just don't apply. I mean you don't ask the man with the broken legs to run the 100 yard dash, do you? Well if you look close, really close, you will see two people with broken whatevers and then you'll know not only what to expect of them but how you can manage to keep your distance too.

And the really cool part to this is IF you keep your distance long enough, you'll be back the the first path where you have very little info to judge them on at all. Presto! Isn't that cool?

In any regard, that good relation you want is not possible because of who they are so be sure to chuck that desire out the window as its not helping anyone. At best, I think you'll find it will be limited and superficial. Sorry.

Thank you for the advice. Sometimes the less you know, the better off you are. I guess I am just still in a bit of disbelief and I need to acknowledge that is just the way it is with them. It is just disappointing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

First this is not about them, its about you! You seem to think there is supposed to be a quid pro quo in gift giving. So you are upset because your contribution to their wedding was so much greater than theirs. Let me ask you this. Did you or your husband enjoy making the contribution to his brother's wedding?

Sure your sister-in-law sounds like a piece of work. Yes they are thoughtless and rude people. But do you think you will change them? They will probably be like that for the rest of their lives. But they are family. So what do you do? You treat then cordially if you can't treat them warmly. You throttle back what you spend on gifts. You do what feels comfortable to you.

What you don't do is expect anything more from them they they have shown they want to give.

ScottGem, please allow myself to clarify my post. I do not feel there should be something for something in gift-giving. No, I am not upset they did not give us $1000... we were never expecting it from them. What we did expect was some kind of thoughtfulness from them as a couple, such as the wife keeping an eye on the 2 year old or the brother knowing what his wife purchased for us last minute at Walmart. My husband was HAPPY that he was in a position at the time of their wedding to be generous because he was advised they were in need of financial help. Unfortunately, as time goes on, it seems a lot of financial issues stem from materialistic items for them (mainly for the wife). It aggravates me when they tell us directly they can't do much for our wedding because of their financial issues, and then they go on to tell you about their upcoming traveling plans and lavish birthday presents. I don't expect to change them, but I do intend to lower my expectations from them going forward. ;)