Hi all, Im a new user and could definitely use some insight, preferably from males. Here's a little background. I'm 28, he's 32 and we have been together (monogamously?) for exactly a year. I'm thin and attractive, he's slightly overweight and average looks. He's always been very sexual, at times too much for me to handle. He definitely has his "needs" and NEEDS them to be met whatever the circumstance. I've caught him IM-ing escorts off craigslist, he's cheated on ex gf's, he jerks off daily to porn, and once I owed him money and he let me 'pay it off' by having sex with him. (<-- really made me lose self esteem and think less of him). But in the end, I think he's a sex-addict and doesn't actually mean any harm by his impaired judgment.
So what does it mean when he suddenly never wants to have sex with me? We've done it 3 times in 3 weeks. Very sudden drastic change. He just got a new job working very long hours, and I understand the new pressures and lack of sleep can affect one's libido... but this is the man who jerks off to porn literally 10 minutes after we have sex. It used to make me feel so insecure that he feels he need to watch porn all the time, but now this is more insulting. He's not "too tired" to have sex with a bimbo off the screen, but too tired to make love to his girlfriend? I practically live with him, and wait around for him in sexy lingerie and lit candles.
The big topper was this Sunday. It was our 1 year anniversary and after a day which I planned for a month and spent all my vacaiton $ on, he just fell asleep. We had to cancel dinner due to a work call, which I totally understood. But I thought we might pick up where we left off after the meeting, but he just simply passed out. I just want him to want me. Am I asking for too much now that a year has passed? Now that he knows he as me for sure, am I not appealing to him? Please help me understand...
Sad and lonely

Okay. I will give you a male perspective. A little about sexual me. I masturbate every morning before work and whenever I can on the weekend. My GF and I are working through some physical issue with regards to sex that is really frustrating the both of us. That being said, given normalacy in the sexual department of the relationship, I would make love to her every night if I could.

Being tired will kill the libido. I know when I was working and in university I would decline sex because I was tired. If my GF approached me at midnight on a work night... the chances are 50/50 I would perform and not decline because I am tired. If I am fighting to stay awake, I am not going to be very good in bed.

A couple things worry me:
1). He has cheated on GFs in the past. It is very hard to break learned behaviour. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Be careful here. I am not saying that he will cheat on you, but that there is a higher probability that he will.

2). He's surfing for escorts. Danger Will Robinson! Danger! This is something I would be concerned about.

3) Respect. He has none for you. Even the idea of you paying off debts with sex shows that he has no respect for you. The fact that his needs are paramount to yours as well.

4). You ain't his because you have been there for a year. You aren't his if you stay for 10 years, 20 years, 70 years. You are free to leave whenever you want. Don't think you need to stay because you have already invested a year.

From what you have said. You're emotionally invested in the relationship and he isn't. It sounds like he is there because you will wax his winky.

Have you talked to him? Sat down with him, clothes on, and asked him these questions? It will give you a better perspective.

It also sounds like there are some underlying differences in what each of you are expecting out of the relationship.

I would personally be really upset if I planned a big day for the anniversary, just to have my partner call a day early.

I think this guy might not be worth your time for a relationship.

First question: Have you asked HIM about this? What did he say?

If you can't talk to your partner about sex, you probably shouldn't be having sex with that person anyway.

Lots of red flags about this guy.

Tell me again why you're staying?

I don't know. This guys sounds as if HE does what HE wants to do.

Not much room for anyone else here, that I can see, apart from him and his needs.

Not a good basis for a committed, on-going relationship I would suggest.

But, as other posters have said - talk to him. See if you can work through it. You need more that sex as the basis for your relationship.

Thank you all for your responses. He says he wants me and ONLY me and he's been chasing me incessantly for 1yr despite my trying to break it off with him multiple times.
When I asked him about not wanting to be with me, his only defense was "obviously u don't understand my situation. I work mad hrs and blah blah blah..."
I honestly don't think he's cheating on me, I just can't understand. I'm really good looking and guts approach me all the time. In the end, my security lies/lied in knowing that he was crazy about me... that I was the object of his affection. I just can't understand what's changed.

How about that he's working mad hours and is tired?

It's a LOT less work to just get yourself off than it is to worry about a partner in the mix.

Also--please do not use chat speak. If you are an adult, you know how to type in proper English. Any further chat speak will be deleted.

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Originally Posted by blueberry_82

Thank you all for ur responses. He says he wants me and ONLY me and he's been chasing me incessantly for 1yr despite my trying to break it off with him multiple times.

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Re-read that and tell me what you think. Despite your trying to end things. He doesn't take no for an answer. Consider you have wanted to break it of multiple times, why are you still with him? Is it because he says no? Or because you want to be with him?

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Originally Posted by blueberry_82

When I asked him about not wanting to be with me, his only defense was "obviously u don't understand my situation. I work mad hrs and blah blah blah..."

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Okay. I am not sure he understands your situation. That is just conjecture though.

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Originally Posted by blueberry_82

I honestly don't think he's cheating on me, I just can't understand. I'm really good looking and guts approach me all the time. In the end, my security lies/lied in knowing that he was crazy about me.... that I was the object of his affection. I just can't understand what's changed.

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To be honest, being good looking is entirely in the eye of the beholder. What attracts one man might not attract another. The reason he is not going to on you isn't that you're beautiful, but that he is physically, emotionally, and sexually satisfied in the relationship. If he isn't satisfied, that is when men tend to wander, whether it is down to the pub or into the arms of another woman.

I think he has told you what has changed. He works long hours and is tired. It isn't you. I think though that you need to re-evaluate the relationship. Something is sounds hinky to me.

I hope that helps.

Just noticing something here:

Your security lies/lied in knowing he was crazy about you?

How unhealthy is THAT?

Your self-confidence should NEVER be wrapped up in what ONE person thinks--unless that person is YOU. Sounds to me like you have some self-esteem and insecurity issues you need to work on as well.

Let me start with an apology for using "chat speak." Will try to be proper here forth. But I am also an immigrant so forgive bad grammar.

And yes Synnen, I DO have a very unhealthily low self-esteem. I also have a sickness where I push men away after a few weeks, generally with little reason. I think I do it gauge their commitment to me– will they fight for it? And if they leave, oh well, I was right. It's a bad bad way to live, am working on change, but I suppose this is my way of protecting myself.

This explains my multiple break-up attempts (generally every 6 wks), and his fighting to stay simply reinforces the my awful testing method and gives me a [false?] sense of being wanted. Of course his issue lies in not being able to take "no" as CravenMorhead mentioned. I am still with him because,. (you will cringe) he feeds my esteem, or at least used to. Is that so wrong? What's so wrong w being told you're sexy and beautiful, inspiring, smart? It's nice to be liked. I'm guilty in admitting those things make me feel good.

So, while I see that we've come this far based on a rather questionable foundation, I am just starting to feel good about us now over this last month, and have semi moved into his place. Ironically it's about when the issue started. I don't trust myself often, and am easily persuaded, but maybe MAYBE I stuck around this time for a reason. Maybe something inside me saw something in him that reason cannot justify.

I'm simply afraid that his lack of physical attraction is an indication of my worst fear realized: I'm no longer worth it. Now that he knows he has me, unconditionally, he doesn't want me. This is a long-winded way of asking "or is it just a phase?" For now, I think I will believe him and other posters– he's just really tired.

Again, thanks again SO much for your words, all great sincere food for thought.

Porn is one thing... its private and personal.

BUT IM'ing escorts and other people is most certainly not.

If he's IM'ing escorts he might be visiting escorts (I'd guess very few people have friends who happen to be escorts, that they know of anyway). Its for that part I see flags waving. Maybe he caught something and is getting treated and trying to avoid infecting you and thus you finding out? Hard to know for sure without him admitting to something...

But with some of the other things you mentioned... I'd seriously think about moving out... and moving on.

I mean really... having you work of money you owe him by YOU having sex with HIM... jeesus Key-rist. That is just plain ignorant.

STAGES OF PORN ADDICTION

By Gene McConnell and Keith Campbell
Not everyone who sees porn will become addicted to it. Some will just come away with toxic ideas about women, sex, marriage and children. That kind of damage is bad enough. And porn isn't the only ingredient in addiction. Usually, those who become addicted have some kind of emotional opening that allows the addiction to really take root.

Some of you reading this will become addicted, like I was. The porn companies don't mind at all if you become completely addicted to their product. It's great for business. An addicted customer keeps coming back for more. And so they fill their porn with images that will excite you, arouse you and get the hormones flowing. You don't have to shoot up any drug with a needle to get addicted to porn — your body will make its own drugs just by looking at the pictures. Dr. Victor Cline says that sex and pornography can be a more difficult addiction to break than cocaine.

Five stages of addiction

Early exposure. Most guys who get addicted to porn start early. They see the stuff when they are very young, and it gets its foot in the door.
Addiction. Later comes addiction. You keep coming back to porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You're hooked. You can't quit.
Escalation. After a while, escalation begins. You start to look for more and more graphic porn. You start using porn that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.
Desensitization. Eventually, you start to become numb. Even the most graphic, degrading porn doesn't excite you anymore. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again but can't find it.
Acting out sexually. At this point, many men make a dangerous jump and start acting out sexually. They move from the paper and plastic images of porn to the real world.
When I personally got to the "acting out phase," I started fantasizing about what it would be like to actually rape a woman. I finally tried it one night when I saw a woman who "fit" the scenario that porn had taught me to look for. I was lucky. Very lucky. I didn't go through with it. After being reported, arrested and spending some time in jail, I finally was able to begin the process of weeding out the lies in my life that porn had put there.

Other men aren't so lucky. I realize now that with just a little push, I could have gone over the edge. I could have raped that woman and then killed her to cover my tracks. That's how Ted Bundy got started. When the porn he was addicted to wasn't enough anymore, he tried the real thing — rape, and then murder. When he succeeded, he did it again. And again. Pornography addiction is very serious.

Are you addicted?

Some of you reading this may have already developed an addiction to porn. If you see any of the patterns I've described above in your life, you need to put the brakes on right now. Is porn beginning to control your life? You can't put it down — you keep going back for more? Perhaps you find yourself needing to see increasingly graphic pornography. You're masturbating more and more often. You're starting to take risks or act out physically for sexual thrills. If you see yourself at any point on this progression, you are in serious trouble, and you need to realize it — and get help.

To find out how to take steps toward change by talking with a professional counselor, please visit our "Consider Counseling" page.

Excerpted from the Dare to Dig Deeper booklet "Toxic Porn", by Gene McConnell and Keith Campbell. Copyright ©1996 Focus on the Family.

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Originally Posted by jillian2563

Excerpted from the Dare to Dig Deeper booklet "Toxic Porn", by Gene McConnell and Keith Campbell. Copyright ©1996 Focus on the Family.

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Hello j:

Jesus freaks don't ordinarily know much about sex. I certainly wouldn't listen to ANYTHING they had to say about a sexual problem. Hell, they think they can cure homosexuality with prayer... Bwa, ha ha ha.

excon

I would like to say that this is a credible article. It isn't. It is published by a Christian not-for profit group founded by Dr. James Dobson. Google him and read his Wiki.

I do not think this is unbiased. I do not believe that this provides an accurate description of the problem at hand.

You've not read through the thread. You're using this as a spring board to launch this propaganda. I wouldn't be surprise to see this all delete. If it hasn't been already.

This is tame to the several response I *didn't* post.

Hello again,

OMG! I read the damn thing. They say porn will lead you to RAPE and MURDER:

"When I personally got to the "acting out phase," I started fantasizing about what it would be like to actually rape a woman. I finally tried it one night when I saw a woman who "fit" the scenario that porn had taught me to look for. I was lucky. Very lucky. I didn't go through with it. After being reported, arrested and spending some time in jail, I finally was able to begin the process of weeding out the lies in my life that porn had put there.

Other men aren't so lucky. I realize now that with just a little push, I could have gone over the edge. I could have raped that woman and then killed her to cover my tracks. That's how Ted Bundy got started. When the porn he was addicted to wasn't enough anymore, he tried the real thing — rape, and then murder. When he succeeded, he did it again. And again. Pornography addiction is very serious."

These people are NUTS! They should be banned from ever speaking again...

excon

At least it isn't WBC. That would be worse.

I just wanted to tell you, Blueberry that your writing is beautiful. You express yourself really well.

To bolster yourself esteem without his participation, go out, meet up with those who have similar interests. Your life may include him, but must revolve around you first. Life is too short to be spent waiting for one man to be in the right mood.

Sure, maybe he is worn out by his new job responsibilities. Let him rest. While you're waiting, hang with girlfriends, talk, laugh and forget about him for a while. Worrying about him is his job anyway.

I wonder how much has changed for blueberry since March. I have hope that she is working on her problems and that maybe she will return one day to give us an update.

Thread closed