Ask Me Help Desk - Why am I not allowed to date who I want?

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Ok so, I have a man that I really like. We have known each other a little more then a year. My mom has always told me that she would let me group date at 17, well 17 came around and I wasn't allowed to group date, then she said at 18 I could date, 18 came around and I still wasn't allowed to date. At 19 I wanted to date but I was in the process of moving, so I moved and met someone in my new hometown. We have known each other for a year. I care very deeply for him and him for me. My mom has met him and he has come over for dinner about 4 times. My mom was cool with him until she found out his age, he was 29 turning 30. I am now 20 and still not allowed to date (he is 30 now). My mom slowly went from letting me hang out with him and talking to him to I am not allowed to talk or see him. Her reasons of not liking him is: age, eyes are to blue and pupils are to small (she thinks he does drugs, he doesn't and he has said that he is willing to take a drug test to prove it), tattoo (he has a Nor Cal tattoo on his arm because he was born in northern CA, not because he is in a gang). When we first met he told me straight off everything, he didn't want to hide anything because he wants someone to love him for who he is, flaws and all. He has a daughter who is 12 years old, this does not bother me because I am use to kids, my parents and all my relatives have big families. I didn't think age would be a factor because my mom is 6 years older then my dad and my grandparents are 11 years apart, now I do believe that 30 is still pushing it a bit but I am happy. But I would rather be dating someone who is mature and has said that he has been through all the crud of drugs and alcohol and has decided that both are a waste of time and is on his way to greatness. He has a job, and is in the process of purchasing a house of his own. I love him but I also love my mom, my mom will never like him. So, do I try to find out if he is truly the one for me and love him and possibly get married someday to him and disappoint my mom? Or, Do I leave him for good like my mom wants and make her happy and find someone else?

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so I moved

We parents can find a million excuses, and reasons, to get in our children's lives, in the way of guidance, and unwanted advice, but since you're living on your own, you are responsible for yourself now.

Just don't flaunt your independence in her face, and be respectful, because when your out of her sight, or home, or whatever, you do as you wish.

Why argue, and think you will ever change their minds?

When you were 17 living at home, your mom set the rules.

However, you're now an adult, living on your own, this is your decision alone to make.

If you really do care for this guy, and he treats you right, I wouldn't dump him because your mom doesn't approve. What if she just doesn't approve of any guys?

If all your mom wants is for you to be happy, Im sure she'll come around when she sees how happy this guy makes you.

You are in the US, right? Are you, or your parents, from a culture where the parents choose who their children marry? Do you still live with your mother?

You are an adult, and, if you so choose, your parents do not have to have control over this part of your life. A similar thing happened to me. I was in a relationship for 2 years with the man I wanted to marry. I met him when I was 15, and at 18, still wasn't allowed to "date" him, (even though we were considered an 'item') the day of my 18th birthday, I moved out of home, and had my first date, and my first kiss. I'm now engaged to him. As an adult, your parents no longer have say over you and your relationships.

Sometimes we can't have our cake and eat it too. You can't expect to change your mom's feelings. What you can do is accept her opinion and figure out what your priority is.

Your happiness?

Your mom's concern?

You're an adult now [I am also 20] and you're allowed to date whoever you want.
However, if you're living with your mom, you should respect her rules.

Maybe it's me, but the 10 years thing... doesn't seem so right to me.
I know a lot of people have 5-10 years gap, but you're just a young adult.
It's the fact that he's already an adult and you're still becoming one.

Threads merged

I do still live with my mom because I am not allowed to get a job just yet. I am hoping to get a job very soon after my extern, I will then continue my education but save money to buy my own car and place to live. Me and mom mom have made a deal that she will help me prepare myself for life and I will be able to move out at 23. I respect her and take her advice, I do listen to her advice for dating but I don't like it when she tries to say what kind of man I should date. She always hints on someone rich, which is not exactly what I'm looking for, yes that would be nice but not realistic. I am not a settler, I am just trying to have a life and have perhaps many trials and errors on my own, and learn myself, the best and worst of people. I am an american as is my mom (my moms a complete white girl, Hehe) so there is no religious family tradition or anything like that.

Please don't start new threads on the same subject. Just add to the one you already have going. It keeps things neater and easier to find. The mods will merge this one with your original one.

Now, honestly, it sounds like she's just refusing to let you grow up. She's controlling your life, and you're letting her. What are you going to do if you hit 23 and your mother decides that you're not ready to live on your own yet, and maybe you should JUST until you're 26 and have your career in place? Then you turn 26 and she thinks that you should wait until you're 30 and finally get that big promotion? Then you're 30 and she thinks it would be better for you to wait just a few more years, until you can afford to buy a new car and a house? Then you're 35 and you decide that maybe you should keep living at home to care for your aging mother because she's never lived on her own and you already know live there and know what to do, anyway? The entire time, she's controlling your life and telling you who you can and cannot date. When you finally DO 'get' to move out, you'll be middle aged, too old to have kids of your own, and missed out on most of life.

I'm not saying that WILL happen, but there is the potential. If she's telling you you're not ALLOWED to date at 20, then what's to stop her from saying you're not ALLOWED to move out at 23, or date at 30? She's controlling your life. Eventually you're going to have to take charge for yourself. If you don't, then you'll be 35, unmarried, no kids, still living at home, having no idea how to really function in the adult world because your mother still tells you what to do.

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At 19 I wanted to date but I was in the process of moving, so I moved and met someone in my new hometown.

So it seems you had to move back, which has to be hard since after a taste of freedom, its not easy to adjust back to someone else's rules.

Good for you to be respectful though, as she only wants the best for you, though it conflicts with your own wants, and needs.

Seems this is more about your own relationship with your mom, more than about a guy.

At your age though, date who you want, as you build a future for yourself.

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Originally Posted by Nicole_L_Jonas

I do still live with my mom because I am not allowed to get a job just yet. . .

You got to be kidding, you're not allowed to work at 18? So you've never had a job before?

I'm certain you know that you won't be moving out at 23, just like you weren't allowed to date at 17 and 18 when you were told you could.

I advise moving into a cheap apartment with a friend of yours and then you can date the 30-year old and truly find out if he's for you or not.