I fell in love with her about 2 years ago. She & I play in a very good band. I am married. She is single, divorced. I ended the relationship about a year ago because I wasn't ready yet to leave and I didn't want to hurt my daughters. We have continued to play in the band together. She and I write beautiful music and love singing together. My decision really hurt her. Fast forward to today, I realized I still love her and am ready to make a comittment but she says she has moved on. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. I am devastated. I know this story has a familiar ring to it. My best friend also plays in the band and is scared that I am going to quit. I'm not angry with her, just numb. I realize I let go of the love of my life because I did the right thing and now I'm paying for it. I want her to be happy, even if it is not with me. What I'm struggling with is being around her. It's so painful and I fight back the tears. Every thing I've learned about breakups tell me to avoid and get away from the other person. She does not want me to quit the band. I told her the other day that I loved her and she sounded sort of angry and said it was my decision to end things. She told my best friend (he called her trying to orchestrate a happy ending) that she wants to pursue her new relationship. She said she is overdue for happiness and she is. I understand that but what is really hurting me is she said she is not want to open the door to me even if she was free. She's been married before and has been hurt numerous times and is good at hiding behind an emotional wall. Should I stay in the band, bear the pain, play it cool, and hope that one day she'll love me again? I realize I can't make her love me.

Wow. Option one, be a good husband, isn't even on the list.

Good for her, you can't play with peoples emotions, not hers and not your wife's, or doesn't she figure in any of this?

Let me see, where in your post did it mention, quiting the band since you need to spend time and work on the relatioship with your wife. And get marriage counseling to work out the issues that you and her have.

Guess that was just assumed the number one and best choice so you did not put it down.

My first boss I ever had, told me a very important story and lesson, "don't go fishing in the company pond" it is an example that no matter what happenes, it will end up bad for someone at some point.

You have a wife and family and a commitment there. That is where all your time and energy is suppose to be focused.

If SHE had posted here, said a married guy shed dated then not was still telling her he loved her, etc... basically the story from her side, I'm guessing wed likely all tell her to run away from a married man who cheats and breaks his vows. Its likely what her friends are telling her. Good for her.

You need to move on. If that means leave the band, fine. Whatever it takes you to have more respect for her than to make her your home wrecker.

If your marriage is in trouble, and it is, you need to solve that. Either get help or get out. Your wife, even if she's just as bad about honoring her vows, deserves to know the truth. Maybe you can't move on, but maybe she can.

Either way, time to step up and be a man. Have enough respect for the old love to let her go and be happy. Have enough respect for yourself and your marriage to either fix it or end it... but none of this in between crap.

It's nothing personal, most of us on this site know what it is like to lose the love of our lives. Mine was my husband, I didn't have someone waiting in the wings to make everything better, it took a long time to face that loss.

As you have not commented on the state of your marriage it's hard to give constructive advice except for what kp just posted. Concentrate on the relationship that is still there, if it's worth saving, if it's not cut your losses and let both ladies move on.

I appreciate everyone's answers. You are all correct and it is what I've needed to hear. And your answers, rightfully so, make me feel like a heel. If life could only be so simple that we all avoid temptation and live our lives just as the experts tell us to.

So... what about your marriage. What is going on there? You came here for help, it might not be the help you want, but why not start somewhere...

Explain what's wrong in your marriage, outside the fact that your wife isn't the girl in the band.

Thanks. I sort of felt like I stepped into a boxing ring with my hands tied. We've been to counciling several times over the past 10 years. Contrary to what others who have answered so far may think, I have worked on my marriage. My family (wife, daughters, mother, sisters, friends, etc.) and church can all attest to that. I haven't done anything to break my vows which is why I ended the relationship and never took it any farther than telling the person in the band I loved her. I realize that was wrong but shoot me, I told her. I've seen what infideilty can do to a home. I've been married 24 years. My wife has absolutely no interest in music, and it is a major part of my life. I've tried to get her interested in it but she refuses. I respect that, so I have tried to develop other interests that she and I can do together. I'm not looking to jump in the sack with someone because they seem to be a better fit for me. I consider myself a Christian even though it sounds like from the first couple of answers some will jump on that and criticize me for not being a good Christian. I am human, and I fail frequently. Our band is a Christian band which makes it all the more painful. That also had a major role in why I ended things. Our band meets once a week so that is the only time I see her. My wife is not interested in movies, music, TV... We have difficulty just talking and we have stayed together primarily because of our girls who are now 19 and older. I realize I took a chance asking for advice from this site and I appreciate you continuing to help.

Well that helps.

I'm probably jaded... most of the time when someone posts here about a relationship outside a marriage it means a lot more than what you described.

Glad to know you have worked on your marriage. Sorry to hear it is where it is.

I believe, as you obviously do and was absent from your original posting, that people should honor their vows and do the hard work it takes to keep them.

I can't tell you when enough is enough. In light of all you've said now, I still say you need to let your friend go... or you need to let your wife go... but you know in between doesn't work.

Thanks for posting the follow-up. Sorry to assume the worst out of the gate. Your situation isn't good, but not as bad as id expected in terms of your "behavior"... you still let someone outside the marriage distract you from the work of the marriage, and until the marriage is over or fixed, you know that's where your energy need to be... one way or the other.

You need a good divorce. I feel bad for your WIFE!! Who you made a COMMITMENT TO!!

I am really glad she moved on. Really glad.

Doesn't sound like you worked very hard at your marriage.

Get a divorce THEN pursue other women.

This gal doesn't want a married guy - and she shouldn't.

You're still a jerk. Good christens don't do this.

You cheated on your wife - HELLO?? Anybody home??

QUIT sugar coating this.

Thank you for understanding. I know from the first couple of answers that everyone's position is colored by their experiences or opinions. The world is not black and white. You are absolutely right about what I need to do and my sister echoes your words almost verbatim. I'm just a person that has been miserable for a long time and made myself a little more miserable by thinking I found a way to make it better. Just writing this out helps tremendously. I am letting her go. I'm just not sure what to do about the band as we are a very good band musically and have a lot of comittments playing churches, youth rallies, etc. Unfortunately the core of the band's sound and music is centered on her voice and my guitar.

Hi Sam,

I can sense your turmoil in all of this. The negative reactions to your post are understandable, I am sure you would agree. Typically, when a situation like this occurs those whose hearts,minds and worse bodies stray, are only thinking of their own selfish needs. I could be wrong, but it does not seem to be the case with you. I do feel for your wife regardless of your turmoil. I also so feel for you for exposing your vulnerabilities.

24 Years is a long time and a heck of an emotional investment. Additionally, there are children involved, and the age of those children doesn't really matter. I will tell you this, there is not another women on this earth, who has made the sacrifices or contributed to your life as your wife has. I say that because there are children. The changes alone that her body endured to bare these children, is one of the most incredible and selfless acts a women, in my opinion, so graciously does, and results in the most precious of gifts. Gifts that I am sure are so near and dear to your heart.

As far as the band, and the girl in the band, I think it's time the music ended. Your recovery from this situation will be slow, or not at all if you continue to stay in the band. It's time to make music with your wife. I am not trying to be cute here, just doing my best to give you insight.

For you to continue with the band, will only keep those illusions that you have that the girl in the band possess all the qualities you think you are in need of. When your wife demonstrates a disinterest in the music and then you leave your front door and meet with the band members and see the enthusiasm that you wish your wife would show, will only keep this unhealthy situation alive.

Put the instruments down, even just for a little while. Once you have removed yourself from the band situation, you will feel all of those unhealthy feelings dull. The time you now have, that was previously spent with the band, you can slowly begin to work on your marriage. I say slowly, as it will take time, effort and 100% focus.

One step at a time. First, my advice would be to take a break from the band and do not look back. Then direct all of your attention to your wife and children. Do this without expecting a quick fix at home or a miracle cure. Time will be your healer.

One last suggestion, is to pray. May sound cliché, but you hadn't mentioned it and stated you are Christian. Get some quiet time and do some serious soul searching and ask God to guide you in doing what is best for your family. To open your heart once again, to those, who I am sure, are waiting for your full attention to be returned.

I truly and sincerely wish you the best.

P.S. And the title to your thread "Losing the love of your Life", get to the place of understanding, the one you are in danger of loosing is your wife, who should have been the one who came to mind for you, when you typed the subject matter.

To Allheart,

Thank you for the best answer I've heard and it was conveyed in a manner that is really helpful to me. You are absolutely right. I do party every day, though some times I haven't prayed for the right thing. I talked with my best friend last night and he agrees that if it this painful (and it is) he doesn't want to see me that way. I have decided I am going to quit the band. You're right about the contrast and I guess that has been part of the problem. The girl in the band definitely has her own problems as well (as I do) but the music made me overlook those things. Those things would be definite obstacles in a real life relationship. Thank you again. God bless

You have some good support here and you made a wise decision, hard but wise. Music can manifest in your life in some new and different way down the road, perhaps. I would like to make a pitch for more counseling for you and your wife. If you don't get somewhere with the first one, try another. It really is a shame in my mind when I see longtime married folks settling for so much less than what they could have or more so deserve. Or even try a marriage refresher course through a church -- I have known those to be effective in jump starting some great stuff. Its just that I think I hear you kind of giving up on the hope of having anything like fulfillment with your wife. You compared what has turned into the mundane there to essentially a spark that, in a very limited non-adulterating way (good for you too), lit you up and you might be mistaken in attributing that to just the girl in the band. So please, consider at some point doing whatever it takes to find that sparkling eyed bride you married long ago again so you can take her by the hand and say to her... the best is yet to come. You both deserve that!

To valinors_sorrow
Thank you. I discussed this at length with my friend last night and he says he doesn't want to see me quit but he understands. It will hard for me and the rest of the band but I will find another outlet, this time just for music. I don't know what will happen with me and my wife. I know she is miserable as well. We both feel desperate to find a common ground. We continued to sick it out through very hards times. I've never left home and she hasn't either. We do share some good times but they seem to center around our girls, a common theme. We have been blessed that both of our girls turned out wonderful Christian girls. SO we have done something right. I dread hurting my friends but I know it's what I have to do. He asked me if it would work if she wasn't in the band. I said yes but she loves it as much as I do so I told him I can't force her to leave. I think it will be better if I go.

Sam, don't dread hurting your friends, everything else should be secondary, your wife and children need to come first here. Although you may think that you didn't break your vows, you really did by allowing yourself to become so involved with this other woman and giving all of your thoughts and emotions to her. I am proud of the decision you made to quit the band, it is truly the most unselfish thing you can do. I know that music is a major part of your life, but maybe its time to prioritize. This will at least give you time back with your family. Marriage is about commitment, not just feelings.

You gave a little background on your situation at home, but can I ask you, what it is that drew you to your wife in the first place?

Mom,

Couldn't give the rep... but GREAT question!!

Hi Sam,

I have read through all the messages and I would agree that leaving the band is firstly the right thing to do. Your children are grown up now, do you think that you could concentrate on you and your wife and find that common ground you menioned. One thing I have have realised as I have gotten older is that life is so precious and short. Give yourself and your wife a sincere effort to make things better. If things work out that's brilliant. If things don't and you both feel that this honest effort has been tried but that it keeps making you miserable then call it a day and find some happines but not unless you both can look back and yes we did try and mean it with all your heart.

I do wish you well.

You have been to counseling, tried finding ways for you and your wife to have common ground and still are not successful. Is that it in a nutshell?

If so, you can choose to be like that until the day you or your wife die. I would not doubt she is as miserable as you are. If so, neither one of you is doing one iota of good for your children. Staying together "for the children" is the weakest, poorest excuse known to mankind. You are not doing your children any favors, believe me.

So you can quit playing the violin about this and do something constructive. Do not use anyone else as a reason, excuse, or justification. Do it for yourself. If you do get a divorce, please do yourself a favor and wait to get involved with another woman. The 'Beginning Experiences' group might be something you could take advatnage of.