Hi... I just recently caught my boyfriend looking at porn... I feel really betrayed... at first he lied and then I finally got it out of him when I saw it was on everyday history on the computer I kept asking him... he finally admitted to it... but I can't get the thought out of my head that most of the sites were "adult" dating sites where you can look at porn and people naked... I don't know what to think and he just really does not get how bad it actually hurt me to find that stuff... he constantly jokes about it now... how do I get him to realize that it does hurt me..? Anything will help thank you

I'm sorry that you feel betrayed, but the fact is, for most guys porn is a fantasy. It's a bit like science fiction - you really get into the idea of it and it's got all the special effects, but it's not real.

You didn't say how often your BF looks at porn - if you just caught him 'looking' then I honestly think that you need to reevaluate your feelings of distress and betrayal.

Betrayed by what? A pneumatic surgically enhanced 20-something that performs sexual acts on demand with a buffed hugely endowed stud?

You must be aware that some guys get their stimulation from various visual sources - it's just one of those facts of life in our society, and most of the time it has no real bearing on the flesh and blood women they have relationships with.

Your BF is joking about it because he's probably trying to make light of your intense reaction. And, in reality, you may need to lighten up about it!

However, if your BF is on dating sites - then that's VERY different.

Being in adult dating sites looking at porn and naked people, goes beyond anything remotely acceptable in a committed relationship in my opinion.

Think about what he is doing. If we consider sexting as an inappropriate relationship when it is with another person, not your significant other, then what does it say when he communicates with real people in real time, naked, while at the same time viewing porn, on a dating site.

This sounds like a frequent activity from your post, and his denial shows he would have rather kept it all a secret from you. Seems like an alternate life for this guy. He sure needs something outside the relationship, any idea why?

I would be trying to find out if it were me. How far has this gone- has he actually met up with any of the naked people he's met? Does he participate in sex talk and chat with these people? When did it start, and why did it take getting caught to stop- if he's stopped.

It is my opinion that this is not normal, not acceptable, and a totally selfish hobby, for a man to do while he is in a relationship. If he's single, I sure wouldn't date somebody like that, but to each his own. At least it wouldn't be electronic cheating if he were single.

I'd be questioning his character, motivations, and honesty to name a few. I would be very upset, and if the behaviour didn't stop pronto, I'd be gone.

Looking at porn is NOT a betrayal.

Trolling a free to view dating site looking at naked pics... might be a slightly gray area... but not a betrayal.

If he registered at one of these sites... then its not so much grey, the lights are on.. but you really can't do much with a free account.

If he paid to register at any of those sites... then the alarms are going off.

There is no reason to be paying for a dating site with all the free porn that's out there unless more is going on.

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Originally Posted by velvettulip22

Hi....I just recently caught my boyfriend looking at porn...i feel really betrayed....at first he lied and then i finally got it out of him when i saw it was on everyday history on the computer i kept asking him...he finally admitted to it....but i can't get the thought out of my head that most of the sites were "adult" dating sites where you can look at porn and people naked....i dont know what to think and he just really does not get how bad it actually hurt me to find that stuff....he constantly jokes about it now...how do i get him to realize that it does hurt me....?? anything will help thank you

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First, is this the same boyfriend from last year: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...me-333456.html

Second, do you live together? Why were you looking at the history on his computer? I ask this because if you were 'snooping' due to a 'feeling' that something was wrong, you may want to think about that instinct.

Third, why do you feel betrayed? Is it the dating sites and what he might have done? Is it just that he was looking at other women?

I don't agree with lying, however, did he feel like he could discuss his viewing habits with you without being attacked?

Are you willing to sit down and have an open and honest discussion with him and not turn it into a confrontation? You should both be able to discuss your thoughts and concerns without feeling like you are being attacked by the other person. You should be able to work together find compromises. In this case it might be, you understanding that his looking at 'porn' is along the lines of you reading a romance novel and him finding sites that do not have dating attached to them.

If his joking about it makes you feel uncomfortable, then you need to sit down and talk with him. Explain to him that the jokes are crossing a personal line with you. If he doesn't try to understand why you are upset, then there maybe other problems in the relationship than just him looking at porn.

Bottom line is this: if you don't like a man who looks at porn at ALL, then you'd better dump this guy and start looking for men at a church or something (though--that's not saying much. My husband worked at a store that sold pornography before the internet was so huge, and he said Sunday mornings after church were some of the busiest times of the week).

Either way, the problem is this: YOU think porn is something more than visual candy, and HE thinks porn is nothing more than visual candy. Incompatible views there.

Work on your self-esteem and realize that porn has NOTHING to do with you at ALL. Think of it this way: chick flicks and romance novels are fantasy versions of LOVE. Many of the women I know love one or both of these things. That doesn't mean they go home and expect their husbands and boyfriends to act like the guys in the movies/stories.

Same thing with porn--it's a fantasy, nothing more. Just like you're not picturing Johnny Depp and your boyfriend switching places, neither is he picturing you and that chick switching places.

If he's TEXTING or communicating in other ways with these women, then walk away. If he's just looking--then you need to either leave the relationship and find a guy that never looks at other women, or you need to get over it and realize it has nothing to do with you.

I don't think you should feel 'betray' for him looking at porn. Just because he's looking at porn, doesn't mean he's thinking about those women. He could be thinking of you and him in those porn... In a strange sense.

If he's chatting with other women, then you should feel hurt. But if he's looking at porn, there's nothing to worry about. If you are worried... Maybe you could do something a little sexy for him?

I think the main issue is the way your boyfriend looking at porn has made you feel, this really is an issue that you need to sit down and have a proper open talk together about.

There is a massive difference between just looking and touching. It maybe that he gets some kind of kick out of porn sites like he has a kind of fetish to them. The alarm bells should ring if he is joining and meeting people off them then that would be a different story.

I think as adults in a relationship it takes both partys working and pulling together as well as having very open and clear communication.

You need to sit down and have a talk with your boyfriend and explain why and how this upset you and made you feel, you also need to listen to what he has to say also about the reason why he visits these sites etc. Also explain to him that the jokes etc are pushing you away from him as well as the porn, then the ball is in his court to change or risk losing you.

I think once you realize that him looking at porn has nothing to do with you being inadequate or lacking in any area then you will understand.