Ask Me Help Desk - Musicians and Relationships.

Hello.

Music is my passion. I've been in a band for 7 years now. I'm 22 years old and I'm going to school for Graphic Design right now.

To the point... The band I'm playing with right now has many opportunities to become quite successful, and the future looks promising. But with these promising outlooks on the future, comes problems with my girlfriend.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years now, and we could not be happier together. The problem is that she wants to know that if I make a living off from music, I won't have to be gone more than a few months out of the year to tour, or be away from her for any other reason.

We had a serious talk the other day, and I have to make it clear, that she is 100% supportive of me. She just made it clear that she doesn't want a husband who won't be there to raise the kids with her. And of course... I can't blame her.

I was wondering if anyone here would be willing to offer me some advice, because I've felt a lot of hurt and anxiety since we talked about it.

Some of the things I'm worrying about are: Am I supposed to give up my passion so I don't lose her? Am I supposed to not make any decisions until I find out whether I have to often or not? Does anyone here know how successful musicians manage their families? Because I know most of the famous musicians I know of have successful marriages as well.

If anyone has any advice whatsoever, it would be MUCH appreciated. My girlfriend means the world to me, and I feel like I'm supposed to pursue my passion as well.

Thank you.

Good for you! Try to follow your dream! If you don't you will always wonder what if or why didn't didn't I? There are a lot of detriments to that life style. Groupies who will do anything to be with a member of the band. The travel and being away from home A LOT!

If you genuinly love the music, you have to try it or you will never know!
Once you stand on a stage singing with people clapping and yelling , it's like a drug. The music is in your blood and if your girlfriend trust you and you are trustworthy then she should understand.

Drugs, alcohol, other woman? Can you be strong?:):)
Stevie Ray Vaughn once said at a concert after he got himself clean.
"Music and playing guitar is my life,it's what keeps me breathing
The drugs , the booze , the woman it's not because I'm a musician that I done those things. I done them because I was weak and I thought that was what all musicians did." From the lips of the greatest Blues guitarist in our time.:):)

Hey friend,
I am in a similar situation. 24, Been in a band 5 years, been in a relationship for 5 years. The band is on the road quite a bit and will be more so in the future as success is coming at a good rate right now. I'll tell you right off the bat, its really hard to balance these two parts of life. Hell that's why a lot of other guys our age who are also musicians just say "F**k it" and shy away from commitment. I've been through a lot of tough arguments and fights and self doubt and I'm still no expert. But here's what I can say.
1) Make sure you have mutual trust with your partner. Don't be doing anything you shouldn't be while your out there rockin. Don't do anything that you feel you need to hide from your partner. Don't do anything that goes against your personal beliefs, and your personal truths.
2) Know your schedule. We have a lot of gigs coming in all the time. So we have a Google calendar that the band can see and constantly be aware of offers coming in. Always try to keep your partner updated and know what important events and dates she wants you around for. And recognize what the really big gigs are and what the less important ones are.
3) Along with that, set your boundaries. Learn when to take breaks. If you've been touring for the past month, take a few weeks off. Or maybe try to keep a consistent schedule, for example, 3 weeks on, one week off with some longer breaks in there as well. As things get more professional and your planning with a booking agent and/or manager, share with them what your desired schedule would be and if its practical they'll do their best to make it happen. Set a practice schedule as well and don't be afraid of switching things up if need be. For example, if you want to take your girl out to dinner one night on the fly don't be afraid to say "Hey dudes, lets see if we can make this work another night".

Overall, its not easy. Hell, that's why I'm here seeking out other people in the same situation. Its funny, there's not a lot written about this, huh? Lots of glorified sex, drugs, and rock n'roll stories but not enough of the real life nitty gritty to help out aspiring musicians. But anyway if you love each other and are loyal and best friends and all that good stuff you can make it work. Just stay on top of your schedule and communicate, communicate, communicate with everyone around you. Evaluate your priorities. And remind her that she's just as important as your music. That you will choose her over music sometimes too.

Wow, it does feel a lot better knowing someone is in a similar experience. Thank you for taking that time to respond. You're very correct by saying there's not a lot to read up on in this category. Maybe it's strange to think that there are a few people who want to play music, and be in a healthy relationship. What a crazy world.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Green Elephant

wow, it does feel a lot better knowing someone is in a similar experience. Thank you for taking that time to respond. You're very correct by saying there's not a lot to read up on in this category. Maybe it's strange to think that there are a few people who want to play music, and be in a healthy relationship. What a crazy world.

Hey Green Elephant... Follow your dream. Music is additive and you won't need all the other things that sometimes derail a great peformer. My grandson is thirteen and already plays guitar. My daughter just graduated from college and is pursuing music only she want to work behind the scenes as a producer or writer.

Music is in her blood. She was playing a guitar when she was very young and now she plays, mandolin and fiddle. My dad was a great singer and he played any instrument you could name. Follow your dream and you can still be a good husband and father. I hope I see you on TV someday. God Bless You

Green Elephant-
Glad that I've been helpful for you. I've always needed mentors in this area of life as well.
I don't think its unusual to find musicians who also want or are in healthy relationships. Its just that you're not going to hear about it as much. Most interviews you get are about the music itself or the hype surrounding one's career. Keeping a healthy relationship lies in the humdrum details of daily life, not in the hype surrounding the music. People look to musicians, actors, public figures, etc as somewhat mythical figures, as noble folks pursuing a dream, living on a prayer (no pun intended bon jovi). You hashing out the detailed schedule of your life with your partner and making time to be a good husband/etc. doesn't always fit into that narrative.
Also, relationships are personal, not a lot of people who live life in the public spotlight in some shape or form want people to know the details of their personal relationships.
But along the lines of what Kit Kat is saying, most importantly believe in yourself and your music. Form a vision of everything working out. What does it look like? Then pursue that and constantly evaluate where you are at in regards to your vision/your dream. Just start doing it mang. If you believe in yourself as a musician/individual/husband/good person all around and trust the universe, things will always work out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by eman22

Green Elephant-
Glad that I've been helpful for you. I've always needed mentors in this area of life as well.
I don't think its unusual to find musicians who also want or are in healthy relationships. Its just that you're not going to hear about it as much. Most interviews you get are about the music itself or the hype surrounding one's career. Keeping a healthy relationship lies in the humdrum details of daily life, not in the hype surrounding the music. People look to musicians, actors, public figures, etc as somewhat mythical figures, as noble folks pursuing a dream, living on a prayer (no pun intended bon jovi). You hashing out the detailed schedule of your life with your partner and making time to be a good husband/etc. doesn't always fit into that narrative.
Also, relationships are personal, not a lot of people who live life in the public spotlight in some shape or form want people to know the details of their personal relationships.
But along the lines of what Kit Kat is saying, most importantly believe in yourself and your music. Form a vision of everything working out. What does it look like? Then pursue that and constantly evaluate where you are at in regards to your vision/your dream. Just start doing it mang. If you believe in yourself as a musician/individual/husband/good person all around and trust the universe, things will always work out.

You are a very perceptive young man and you said exactly what I was trying to convey. I hope you make it to the top and judging from your love of music and your tirelessness.. you can do it! I can remember taking my kids to see "Journey", when they were in High School and I also remember being absolutely mesmerized by Steve Perry's voice. You could tell how he loved what he was doing.

My husband and I had the pleasure of seeing the Eagles in 2009.. I watched Joe Walsh play that guitar and the way he looked at that guitar was the way some men look at a woman.. that's a musician. I believe you have that same burning desire in your heart and the love for the music.
You pursue that dream and don't let anything deter you... I expect you to post here when you have a number one. Good Luck.

Hi Guys,

Hopefully you still have a little interest in this conversation- as usual I'm a little late.

Like KitKat, I am also impressed by the passion and love of music that both of you seem to have. If there is one thing we can see from music history or any kind of history-, it's that balance is the most important. You both sound like really decent guys, and so I am assuming that you've chosen very loving, supportive and probably pretty cool girls. Especially since you've been with them so long.

I had a similar story at one point, and I ended up making why living through music. I did the tours for no money, saw and tried lots of fun drugs for free and moved up that ladder. It's totally possible. The regrets I have are all about relationships. Music can happen- it's tough but part of what makes it so tough is that everyone is always on edge- we got to do this, we got to do that. You get used to playing all the time and staying up every night. Every gig could have that one ear in the audience that will get you paid, get some face time and get everyone to chill out. To an extent it does work like that, but with my 20/20 as an older and maybe at least a little wiser is that love is the most important thing. If someone had said that to me when I was 25 I would have laughed, but if you can understand that now, you'll be that much more ahead of the game later. For me and my guys it got easier when we were forced to chill out and not take ourselves too seriously. Our lead guitar got involved with a serious chick. I hated her for awhile but then I saw it for what it was, balance! He told me and all of us label and agent to f-off. Not all the time but sometimes. It worked. We did it we got happier once we got used to it. Sharing isn't easy. Chilling out was hard to do at first and I was one of the resistant crazy ones- I'm a drummer so my hands and feet, something's always achin to move.

I'm an old fart now and Ihate these damn machines. I wrote this down cause its important and like one of you said its not something anybody talks about. I met my wife pretty soon after all that went down and believe it it or not, at almost 60 Im with the same woman, never cheated and I been playing music since. She complains and we work it out I complain we work it out. Been together over 30 years. Looking back on it everything our guitar player did was fne. He knew what he needed to do.

KitKat talked mostly about the love of music and the dream which is all great but climb down from that tree a little bit. These ladies love you and god bless them. You been with them for 3 and 5 years? They love you but they need love back. Take gigs, play music and do all those other things you said- being honest will get you far believe it or not, and knowing the schedule is important too. Taking the breaks is the hard part. The most important part. Chances are the rest of the dudes in the band won't get it, they'll call you some femmy names but that will wear off and they probably can't go too far without you. But you probably can't go too far without her either.

Thanks for listening. Good luck.

I'm a little too old to start it again.. but when I was your age... there was nothing like the music... You sleep,eat,dream.. music.Two of my daughters are going that route . One of my daughters is working full time so she's given up on it for a while.

My youngest just graduated from College and she wants to work in the music field as a producer or a an agent. She plays many instruments. My grandson is thirteen and he is a great fan of Stevie Ray. Steve Winwood, Joe Walsh, BB King... and Jeff Beck.

I think my dad left all us kids a great legacy.. the love of music.
He sang everywhere after he came home from the war and then he met my mom and a couple years later the kids started coming.

He was saved and joined the Church and we all started singing n church. He still played the blues and the old country songs, but gospel became his first love.

Follow your dream and remember when you're famous.. I WANT A T-Shirt. You can do it... Kit

Wow, Very inspiring Kit, thank you!

They should write a movie about your life.

I'd watch it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Green Elephant

Wow, Very inspiring Kit, thank you!

They should write a movie about your life.

I'd watch it.

You're so sweet... Thanks