Hello,

Please help. I can't believe I have actually turned to online chat but I need help. Here's the deal. I had an affair hen I was married. I am now divorced and still seeing this man. We have been together for over a year but he's not divorced yet. He has been separated from his wife for over a year and we both moved out at the time. He has two young children. I have only met them a total of four times but can no longer see the chidren because of his wife. She does not think it's right and due to the money situation he is following her demands. I am young I don't have any kids. Is this right? He has the kids every other weekend and twice a week and I am getting more and more upset each time. Is this normal? We are very much in love but always fighting over the same subject, when can't I see the kids and when is the divorce final? The days he does not have the kids, I am at his house each time... It's just not working... or what should I do?

Thanks!

How old are his kids? If they are younf you have to understand how confusing it must be to them, they can comprehend what's going on.

They are his kids after all, your are this mans lover / girlfriend - not his wife or step-mom to his kids, you have to understand that.
I can understand it upsets you, and showing your upset is a sign that you want to be a part of their life. But everything takes times.
SLOWLY SLOWLY.

You don't have children so you probably don't understand how it feels for a mother to let her young children stay over at another house, even if it is their father's house. She needs time to adjust, time to trust, and so do the children. A year is nothing. You really must try to stop pushing for this - this is not to do with you. If you really love him, give him his time with his children. Let this new kind of relationship and situation settle down until the mother can see that the kids are fine and happy about visiting dad's house.

Back off and try to relax or you are going to lose him. Because the children will ALWAYS come first.

This all is so unhealthy. I am not going here. You ladies handle it.

You should realise that married men with kids have obligations. He probably is under strict orders from his wife to keep you away from her kids or it will be hell to pay. Another draw back of messing with married men.

His kids come first! Not you. Get used to it or ship out.

You shouldn't be with him in the first place. If I was his wife I wouldn't let you see them either.

I wouldn't want my kids hanging around a couple of rotten liars!

What kind of response does he give you when you question him about when his divorce is going to be final? What exactly is the "money situation" that compels him to "follow her demands"? If they are separated then I don't understand why you don't see his kids when he has them. Something's not adding up here. I think there may be some red flags that you need to address.

Wherever you go, this will always be with you everywhere... THE EX

First he is still married, there is no custody agreement in place, there is no child support settled yet, and any day him and her could make up and he move back in with her.

So the divorce after a year is not done, no child custody agreement, I wonder why?

But he is putting his children first, which he most likely always will, and he is doing what his wife wants over what his girlfriend wants. Since he is still trying to settle money with her, most likely his wallet is talking over his his love for you. IF not, he would just do what he wanted and tell his wife tough,

So this is the situation,a and most likely will always be that away even after the divorce, if he is willing to give in to his wife still.

Hello Dear Gwen24,
I am a Family Law attorney in California, but all states are different, so what I offer here is general advice, and empathetic suggestions. If your love's divorce is important to you, he should be willing to hear that. If he says that he understands, but takes no action, only you can decide what the healthy and sane answer is for you, i.e. whether to stay in the relationship with him. You are loveable and valuable as a partner, and you deserve to get back what you are willing to give.

As to the issue of his wife deciding not to let you see the kids... sometimes this is a power-play, and sometimes it is the parent trying to protect the children from getting attached and disappointed if the relationship does not work. I have seen the court restrict introductions to new "dating relationships" for a finite period - like the kids will not be introduced to the new boy/girlfriend until the relationship has lasted 8 months to a year. It really depends on the ages of the children. When asked, some children (pre-adolescents and teenagers mostly) will say that they don't want to meet the new friend. They tend to be pretty angry and judgmental. In those cases, smart parents let their children set those boundaries and obey them.

It sounds like these kids in your love's life are younger. But the bottom line is: whether the mother's motivation is kind-hearted or cold-hearted, you have no control over her decisions. Whether it is "right" for her to act that way, you have no control over that, and it is a matter of judgment. For the sake of your relationship with your love, and the sake of your own sanity, try to let go of the need to be involved in this particular area for the moment. Perhaps you could make an agreement with him that you will try to let it go for a period of three months, at which time, you and he will have a discussion about your feelings and some action will be taken. If you can do that, make a time-line and stick to it. Then sit back and enjoy the gift of being in love! I am here if you have further questions, and I wish you the best of luck.