Ask Me Help Desk - I'm not sure if our relationship is falling apart or I'm just paranoid. Anyone?

My boyfriend used to love me so much but now, I guess things have changed. He broke up with me twice this year (2010, mid January and mid Feb) due to the following reasons. According to him,
* I'm always jealous
* I don't trust him
* I never listen to whatever he says (and that I'm bad for his ego)
* our relationship is not growing
* we usually fight over the same subject

In spite of everything, he said he still loves me but the love is no longer sufficient for us to go on. We talked and I promised to change and make up. He hesitated but in the end he agreed.

It's been two weeks and during this probationary period, I've realized a lot of things:
* He's very important to me
* Things won't be the same without him
* I'm still in love with him after 3.5 years
* I'll do everything to win him back and rekindle the flame (the past years, I took him for granted)

However, as much as I wanted to make up and try my best, I still think that we're falling apart. He no longer has time with me. He's got different priorities and I'm sure I'm not on his list. Right now, I'm a little confuse though. Sometimes he acts as if he's so into me, but sometimes he's too stiff. I don't understand. Am I just being paranoid? Please help.

Paranoid?
He broke up with you,twice and unless the issues that broke you up are solved-and it takes two to tango by the way-its not going to work.

Serious discussions about your problems and serious commitment to working things out,from the two of you,is what's needed.

It seems he has decided its all your fault,not a good sign.

Being in love with someone is different from loving someone.

You can love your friends, your dog and possibly some co-workers.

Being IN love is completely different. He says he loves you, but is he in love with you?

You've realized things that center around him. Not you. You need to take a step back and see why he said the things he did.

Are you jealous? Of coarse you're going to say no. You're not analyzing your own emotions and actions. Maybe you are? Maybe you aren't?

Take this time to reflect on yourself. If you think that you can re-boot yourself to make him happy, then go for it. Its not impossible. However; it takes A LOT of dedication on your end.

@ amicon

We had a long talk about our situation and we decided to work things out. I admit, it was my fault. I took him for granted for a very long time. He showered me with everything that I got used to it. So when he decided to focus on his work and his other activities (judo, boxing, etc), I started thinking that perhaps he's no longer in love with me. I became demanding and possessive and I think that was one of the reasons he wanted to bail out of the relationship. He felt suffocated I guess.

I'm willing to do everything just to save this relationship. Problem is, where should I start?

Ps. He is my first boyfriend and I'm not really good in handling situations like this.

Lucky098

I just read this article written by Janelle Coulton and I liked this part:

"When you think about it, the act of falling in love is somewhat exhausting and for some it may be a relief when the rush of love settles down. And in it's place comes a stronger love. Some relationships may end when the passion wears off, as one partner may misunderstand the other, and not feel loved anymore. In many situations this is not the case. Remember back to when you and your love first fell in love. Do you remember the excitement and the sleepless nights? It is true what they say; that man cannot live on love alone. For your relationship to go the distance, that euphoria of excitement and passion needs to be replaced with the act of growing in love together, learning about each other and building a solid foundation based on love, trust and commitment that will last forever."

I already asked him if he's still in love with me and he said yes. But I want more. I mean, I always feel so insecure and jealous and that reassuring me every single minute would alleviate my anxieties.

Take this time to reflect on yourself. If you think that you can re-boot yourself to make him happy, then go for it. Its not impossible. However; it takes A LOT of dedication on your end. - I'm currently doing this but I don't know where to start..

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

Paranoid?
He broke up with you,twice and unless the issues that broke you up are solved-and it takes two to tango by the way-its not going to work.

Serious discussions about your problems and serious commitment to working things out,from the two of you,is what's needed.

It seems he has decided its all your fault,not a good sign.

Hmm this is a good point.

You know when one partner turns and blames the other for everything. We're breaking up because you do this, this, this and this.

Shouldn't that person take some responsibility too?

Like for example the OP said her boyfriend gave her loads of attention and she got used to it. He withdrew his attention and she got possessive and needy. This became a problem to him. In that respect, isn't he part cause of the problem?

A good way to basically start over is take a break from the relationship. Take the pressure of being boyfriend/girlfriend away. Take time for yourself. Do things that you want to do without having to regret or feel bad about doing it.

First step to fixing yourself.. Ask yourself why he called you jealous? Did you get pissed when he went out with his friends? Did you feel left out anytime he did something that didn't include you? Its OK if you did. Because when you can realize that maybe you did make a mistake, then you can fix it. You need to be able to recognize your actions. He didn't call you jealous out of the blue. He didn't wake up one morning and decide to call his girlfriend jealous. He had a reason to. Eveything that you listed as to why he broke it off with you.. Just really sit back and think. This is going to take a lot of soul searching. Its not going to be easy.

And YES you have the RIGHT to be upset if he does something you don't agree with. It all comes down to how you handle the situation. You can tell him that whatever he is doing is making you upset. You can tell him that you feel left out whenever he does things with his friends. Try not to invite yourself though or fish for the invite. Just let him know how you feel. Even though he's going to do what he wants to do anyway, he's going to have you in the back of his mind.

But I think one of the healthiest things you can do for your relationship is to take a break. Give yourself a break from having to please him and yourself. Give him a break and let him miss you. Sometimes when the honeymoon is over and maybe you're not ready for the honeymoon to be over, you DO come off as clingy.

Am I saying break up and see other people? No. Take a break. Agree to not see other people and start that soul searching. You can still talk.. Maybe hang out every once in awhile... But break some of your habits of maybe calling him every 5 hours. Or spending the night at his house.. Just limit it to the baby steps again.

I hope that all made sense to you!

Quote:

Right now, I'm a little confuse though. Sometimes he acts as if he's so into me, but sometimes he's too stiff. I don't understand. Am I just being paranoid? Please help.

For now, relax, and give him space, since he agreed to try again, so for your part,

Don't be jealous
Don't be so needy of his attention or reassurance
Don't be insecure,

But do,

Have other outlets for your time, and attention
Be independent without him, so you can work on yourself and your issues
Think before you act or speak, as impulsive behavior bring regrets and mistakes, that lead to guilt.
Practice and plan a course of action for when you do have these feelings that build in you that make you afraid, anxious, or paranoid, so you don't get carried away by your own fears and insecurities and you have positive ways to build yourself esteem, through being independent, and accomplishing small goals for yourself.

Nothing works overnight, and there are no quick fixes, or magic potions to turn to, so be patient with yourself and your partner, even when you are confused, and want to scream.

It does take time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lucky098

A good way to basically start over is take a break from the relationship. Take the pressure of being boyfriend/girlfriend away. Take time for yourself. Do things that you want to do without having to regret or feel bad about doing it.

First step to fixing yourself.. Ask yourself why he called you jealous? Did you get pissed when he went out with his friends? Did you feel left out anytime he did something that didnt include you? Its ok if you did. Because when you can realize that maybe you did make a mistake, then you can fix it. You need to be able to recognize your actions. He didnt call you jealous out of the blue. He didnt wake up one morning and decide to call his girlfriend jealous. He had a reason to. Eveything that you listed as to why he broke it off with you.. Just really sit back and think. This is going to take a lot of soul searching. Its not going to be easy.

And YES you have the RIGHT to be upset if he does something you dont agree with. It all comes down to how you handle the situation. You can tell him that whatever he is doing is making you upset. You can tell him that you feel left out whenever he does things with his friends. Try not to invite yourself though or fish for the invite. Just let him know how you feel. Even though he's going to do what he wants to do anyways, he's going to have you in the back of his mind.

But I think one of the healthiest things you can do for your relationship is to take a break. Give yourself a break from having to please him and yourself. Give him a break and let him miss you. Sometimes when the honeymoon is over and maybe you're not ready for the honeymoon to be over, you DO come off as clingy.

Am I saying break up and see other people? No. Take a break. Agree to not see other people and start that soul searching. You can still talk.. Maybe hang out every once in awhile... But break some of your habits of maybe calling him every 5 hours. Or spending the night at his house.. Just limit it to the baby steps again.

I hope that all made sense to you!

You're right. I always feel left out every time he's with his friends or he does things by himself. Sometimes I feel paranoid and start to think that perhaps he's seeing someone else. I told my friends about this and what you mentioned here is same with their advice. I should focus on fixing myself and try to settle my own differences first. I should start doing things on my own and engage in activities where I could gain some confidence since I really need one. I won't be this jealous if I'm not insecure, right?

As a start, I enrolled in capoeira and I'll be starting my first session later.

I really appreciate your advice. Thanks a bunch! :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

For now, relax, and give him space, since he agreed to try again, so for your part,

Don't be jealous
Don't be so needy of his attention or reassurance
Don't be insecure,

But do,

Have other outlets for your time, and attention
Be independent without him, so you can work on yourself and your issues
Think before you act or speak, as impulsive behavior bring regrets and mistakes, that lead to guilt.
Practice and plan a course of action for when you do have these feelings that build in you that make you afraid, anxious, or paranoid, so you don"t get carried away by your own fears and insecurities and you have positive ways to build your self esteem, thru being independent, and accomplishing small goals for yourself.

Nothing works overnight, and there are no quick fixes, or magic potions to turn to, so be patient with yourself and your partner, even when you are confused, and want to scream.

It does take time.

I've been trying my best to do these since the second break-up. I tried not to get jealous and insecure but it's killing me. It seems like I'm not being true to myself. Is this normal? This will eventually fade right?

Evenyually if you keep working on it.

Good luck! I know you can do it! Your boyfriend will definitely notice you trying.. And that's all he can ask of is for you to try. I'm sure times will become hard and near impossible, but I'm sure when he sees you struggling, he'll be right there by your side!

Talk to your friend more! Its always easier to confide in someone. Your friend probably knows what's going on more than what you can explain on here. I'm sure she'll be there for you every step of the way :) And if you need help from a total stranger. Everyone on this site is here for you too.