Ask Me Help Desk - Am I making a mistake?

I have been with my man for over 20 years. We have had our share of ups and downs but I have always thought I could trust him. A few days ago however, I found evidence that maybe I am wrong. I discovered that he had answered a personal ad to another female. He had sent this person a very graphic message, and included pics of himself and a pic of his privates. I confronted him about it, and at first he tried every tactic in the book to play it off like it was no big deal. It is a very big deal to me. I feel like he doesn't care about us or our relationship. Eventually he did confess that he sent it because he feels very poorly about himself, that he thinks he is not attractive to anyone and wanted to see if he could get any kind of response. Is this a valid excuse? I have felt so many different things through this. I will admit that things seem to have definitely changed between us through the years and a lot of the time I feel that he is no longer attracted to me and therefore I question why he wants to be with me which he has said he still does. Our love life is pretty much non-existent, and we seem to argue more than we ever get along. I just don't know if it's even worth the effort to try to make things work if there is no reason to. We do have a child together.

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Originally Posted by ClassySassy

Our love life is pretty much non-existent, and we seem to argue more than we ever get along. I just don't know if it's even worth the effort to try to make things work if there is no reason to.

Does he have any interest to work out things? It really doesn't seem like it.

If he does, I would try counseling.

Their seems to be a lot of issue's hidden throughout the years.

Him saying he felt unattractive and wanted to see if he got a response?

So maybe - MAYBE - you could buy it if he sent pictures of himself, but of his privates! As a guy, if you are having issues of confidence, the last thing you are going to be doing is flashing your wanger around...

I don't buy it. I believe he is treating you badly and is scared of losing you because he doesn't want to be alone but at the same time, doesn't want to be with you.

That's the way it comes across to me. You totally don't deserve to be treated like that, nobody does. How would he like it if you did the same thing ?

I can't imagine very many girlfriends would be suited with this.

Even if he was just looking for validation from another woman, this is very wrong. I wouldn't be able to trust somebody like this because who is to say they'd stop at sending pictures.

If he isn't happy with you or even himself, allow him to discuss it openly.

I doubt it's a valid excuse. I tried that exuse myself. Saying he misses attention might be more right. And if that be the case and you two are willing to make the effort you have to work together to fix this. However 20 yrs is hard to walk away from, if neither of you are willing to make it work and or work on this then maybe it's time to find another lover. You do not need a lover to be happy though. You do not need to go out and find another person right away. And by the way I am suggestion not to walk away. I think 20 yrs is far far too long to throw away. There has to be something that has kept you together that long and I suggest finding it again. And I also suggest creating the love again, even if you have to start over from the beginning.

Let the emotional dust have time to settle, and talk to each other, and listen to each other.

What ever is up, get the facts, and work together to resolve it. You know the routine, as in 20 years you have had to have done this before. Maybe not with the same issue, but with everything else you have been through. This is no different.

Thank you all for your advice. We have discussed things quite a bit these last couple weeks and are attempting to work at making things better between us. We both have work to do for sure. I have come to a point where I am not altogether sure that this is completely his fault, but if he were feeling that unhappy I just wish we could have talked sooner. I'm not saying that I am at fault either, but I know there are things I need to improve in myself to be an overall better person anyway. I will do my best and if it doesn't work out for us, then I will be a better person for it just the same.