Ask Me Help Desk - How to keep my mind off my ex

I am a 37 year old lesbian who broke up with her partner last September since then I have been plagued with a deep depression. I cannot get thoughts of ending life off my mind. I have alienated everyone around me. I have sought counseling and medication but nothing works. Any suggestions?

What do you do to keep your mind off your ex when you have no life of your own

Well, no-one can do anything to help you except you. But you know that. Why hasn't counselling worked? Surely these are the things that you should have been discussing with your counselor?

Gradually you have to build up your resilience so that your mind does not keep obsessing about your ex. Even though you want to hide under the doona it's about getting out and interacting with the world. Depression CAN be an excuse to avoid facing things and obsessing can become addictive.

Changing your thinking means developing a positive interest in yourself and in life once more... I know, easier said than done.

Depression also tends to put us in a black hole of self involvement - all you can hear is that horrible voice inside your head telling you all those awful things about yourself.

I'd suggest you make a real effort to get involved with activities outside yourself. I have no idea what you like or what interests you - but the list is endless. From doing courses, gardening, cooking, the arts, joining a choir, to traveling, helping the needy and less fortunate. Just DO something - get out of the house, force yourself to get involved and talk to people, even if you absolutely hate it initially.

Yea, it all sounds really basic and even corny, but it's about the PROCESS of making an effort to focus on something outside of yourself.

There is a really great book, it's ages old now, but I found it excellent when I have been depressed - "Feeling Good - The New Mood Therapy" by David D. Burns. It essentially asks you to question the thoughts that create the depression, in a really simple way. If you can combine this will getting involved in other things, you might make a good start.

Just remember, it will take a while, and please be patient with yourself. Life is really worth living, even if it feels awful at times. Life is frequently unfair, but it's not worth ending!

The time spent with the counseling, the time you allowed medications to become effective(therapeutic),these are 2 of the biggest factors I look for when a question like yours arises.

It takes much of my time to stay compliant to my doctors orders and medications, miss one or the other and I could,potentially,go 2 steps back real quick.

It has taken me many years to fully understand my illness and the 'red flags' which set it off.I still miss some indicators and have setbacks.I am not defective,weak,less than etc.I am who I am.

I suggest returning to therapy,if the first therapist and/or doctor weren't to your liking, get another.Don't stop trying to find the help you already know you need.

You are not second rate for having feelings, you are a worthy person who deserves to have peace and serenity,accepting who you are and living a productive life.

You have to do for you what the others can't do for you, take that first step and get the help you know you need.

You can always write back on these boards and have conversations, that's what this site is all about!

Hope to hear more from you soon,

Ken

Forget the clichés. I've done this many times: try thinking about those things that turns you off about your ex (I'm sure there's any). Try to concentrate on that and in one week, you'll eventually loose interest.

Quote:

Originally Posted by invoker

forget the cliches. i've done this many times: try thinking about those things that turns you off about your ex (i'm sure there's any). try to concentrate on that and in one week, you'll eventually loose interest.

I agree with this person.
Even if your ex wasn't abusive or something too extreme, if you make a list of all the turns off and the 'horrible' things, you'll start to loose interest. Even if the person was the nicest, if you talk badly about them or make them seem sad, you'll soon be over that person.

Plus, meeting new people helps as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lanichu

I agree with this person.
Even if your ex wasn't abusive or something too extreme, if you make a list of all the turns off and the 'horrible' things, you'll start to loose interest. Even if the person was the nicest, if you talk badly about them or make them seem sad, you'll soon be over that person.

Plus, meeting new people helps as well.

I'm sorry I don't agree that thinking BAD things or, worse still, saying bad things about your ex will help you get over them! This is a really immature approach.

Making them responsible for your bad feelings is simply shifting the blame on to them - and, in the end will make you look like the bad guy.

Thinking GOOD things about yourself and telling yourself that there IS life after this relationship is the only thing will help you let go of the obsessive thinking.